While I was house hunting, I noticed the housing market is very similar to the dating market/online dating.
1. You learn about new prospects online which seem exciting and have potential.
2. Then you meet them/go to the open house, which makes you feel more excited because it may actually be "the one." Or you feel disappointed because the online pictures were deceiving.
3. Even when you see the person/house a few times and there seems to be potential when the other person seemingly likes you/when you make a bid, it may still not work because your prospect meets another person who seems more attractive/makes a higher bid.
4. Until you actually walk down the aisle/close on the house, anyone can break it off at any time.
5. But don't worry, another potential person/house will be available soon online.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Is it ok to have an innocent crush on someone else when in a relationship?
My colleague and I had a discussion as to whether it was ok to have an "innocent" crush on someone else when you are in a relationship. My simple answer is "no" because you cannot control the situation and many bad things can stem from having a crush, even if it is seemingly innocent. Here are my reasons:
Having a crush means that you are not completely faithful to your significant other.
You may not be physically cheating but you are mentally/emotionally cheating. It means you are not 100% dedicated to your significant other. Your diverted attention will likely take away from your partner and you may lose interest in your current relationship. In addition, you may not be lying outright, but you may hide things from your significant other (such as not telling them when you hang out with your crush, not wanting your partner see your flirtatious texts). Not being able to be completely open and honest will harm your relationship. Please see my post on cheating.
Your feelings for your crush can grow.
What you thought was an innocent crush can potentially grow into strong feelings. You cannot control if this happens, and it will make it harder for you to get over your crush. The stronger your feelings, the more it takes away from your current relationship.
You want to impress your crush.
Even if you do not have the intention of pursuing something or you don't even flirt with your crush, you are consciously or unconsciously trying to impress them by seeming more intelligent, funny, charismatic, etc. Or putting effort into looking more attractive, smelling better, being more visible to them, or contacting them more via text/email/calls. This may lead to your crush suspecting you have feelings for them, or your crush eventually having feelings for you.
A friend or colleague may find out about your crush.
Now you are threatened that they may accidentally or intentionally tell someone else in the group, your crush, or your significant other.
Your crush may find out.
If your crush finds out you have feelings for them, if they don't reciprocate the feelings, imagine how awkward it may be for them, especially knowing you are already in a relationship. Even if your crush does have mutual feelings for you, then the situation is worse because now you definitely would not want to get over your crush. Now you have more reason to want to be with them. This will only make it more difficult on your current relationship.
Your significant other may find out.
Imagine how devastated your partner would feel if they found out about your crush. It would permanently change your relationship even if they eventually forgive you. Once trust is lost, it is very difficult to fully regain. Your significant other may always be suspicious you are cheating again, even if you are not.
Would you want your significant other to have a crush on someone else?
Think how you would feel if your partner had a crush on someone else. You would not want your partner to experience that pain.
If your crush has feelings for you, then what would you do?
If your answer is you would prefer to stay in your current relationship, then having the crush can only be harmful to your relationship for the reasons above. If your answer is you would prefer to be with the crush, then just end your current relationship because it is obviously wrong for you.
Having a crush means that you are not completely faithful to your significant other.
You may not be physically cheating but you are mentally/emotionally cheating. It means you are not 100% dedicated to your significant other. Your diverted attention will likely take away from your partner and you may lose interest in your current relationship. In addition, you may not be lying outright, but you may hide things from your significant other (such as not telling them when you hang out with your crush, not wanting your partner see your flirtatious texts). Not being able to be completely open and honest will harm your relationship. Please see my post on cheating.
Your feelings for your crush can grow.
What you thought was an innocent crush can potentially grow into strong feelings. You cannot control if this happens, and it will make it harder for you to get over your crush. The stronger your feelings, the more it takes away from your current relationship.
Even if you do not have the intention of pursuing something or you don't even flirt with your crush, you are consciously or unconsciously trying to impress them by seeming more intelligent, funny, charismatic, etc. Or putting effort into looking more attractive, smelling better, being more visible to them, or contacting them more via text/email/calls. This may lead to your crush suspecting you have feelings for them, or your crush eventually having feelings for you.
A friend or colleague may find out about your crush.
Now you are threatened that they may accidentally or intentionally tell someone else in the group, your crush, or your significant other.
Your crush may find out.
If your crush finds out you have feelings for them, if they don't reciprocate the feelings, imagine how awkward it may be for them, especially knowing you are already in a relationship. Even if your crush does have mutual feelings for you, then the situation is worse because now you definitely would not want to get over your crush. Now you have more reason to want to be with them. This will only make it more difficult on your current relationship.
Your significant other may find out.
Imagine how devastated your partner would feel if they found out about your crush. It would permanently change your relationship even if they eventually forgive you. Once trust is lost, it is very difficult to fully regain. Your significant other may always be suspicious you are cheating again, even if you are not.
Would you want your significant other to have a crush on someone else?
Think how you would feel if your partner had a crush on someone else. You would not want your partner to experience that pain.
If your crush has feelings for you, then what would you do?
If your answer is you would prefer to stay in your current relationship, then having the crush can only be harmful to your relationship for the reasons above. If your answer is you would prefer to be with the crush, then just end your current relationship because it is obviously wrong for you.
Checklist for qualities in a lifetime partner
You find them attractive.
This doesn't have to mean they are attractive to everyone, at least just to you. But even the most attractive people eventually lose their good looks. You may get used to their face, no matter how attractive it is, and their beauty may no longer captivate you as it once did. Or they may get old and their beauty fades. Therefore, it is more important that they have the other qualities below.
Someone who treats you well and with whom you get along.
You will be living and spending a lot of time with this person so better make sure they respect you, are good to you, and you both get along well. Also great if they can make you laugh.
Someone you can talk to, is supportive, and willing to work things out.
It is important to be able to carry long conversations with your partner, but they should also be a good listener, able to talk you through problems, and help you when stressed. In addition, there will undoubtedly be problems in a relationship so make sure the person is willing to work things out. It helps if they are open minded and do not find it necessary to always to be right.
Someone you will still care for when someone goes wrong.
Will you still stay with, and care for, your partner if they have develop a chronic medical condition, cancer, or a psychiatric condition? Or if they become bald, disfigured, or disabled? Or if you guys become poor?
Someone whom you know well.
It is important to know the person you are with - for both who they are and who they are not. Many of us imagine the other person as someone we want them to be, or hope they will become that person we want. We may not accept them for who they truly are, and get upset that they do not meet our expectations.
Someone who complements you.
People seek those who encompass the same qualities they have that they consider as good. For example, an intelligent person would prefer to date another intelligent person rather than someone who is not. However, we seek the opposite when it comes to qualities we consider we have that are bad. For example, someone who is messy and thinks that is not a good trait would prefer someone who is neat. Otherwise, it may be difficult for two messy people to live together. However, if the messy person does not think their messiness is a problem, then they would not mind being with another messy person.
Someone who has similar values and interests.
Having similar values will play out in your everyday life in big ways, such as where you live, whether to have children (and how many, how to raise them), religion, and even dietary preferences (vegan/vegetarian). Having similar interests help form a bond through common activities. It is also good to have different interests so you are exposed to new things, but of course that requires the willingness to be open minded. If you don't share any common interests at all, then try to develop one you may both like.
A team player.
We often want a partner who is similar to us, a companion to
do the things we like, someone who has the same lifestyle, preferences, tastes, and routines, because we think that is what is better. This is because we project our thoughts and opinions onto the behavior of others. For example, we may think staying up late and waking up late is a bad habit. However, perhaps the person is a night owl and is very productive at night. And waking up late in the morning is fine because they work from home and run their own business.
We want an extension of ourselves and look for a companion who enhances our life. But we rarely find such a person
who is exactly like us, or what we envision or want. Instead, we are
in a relationship with someone who may have
different opinions, preferences, routines, habits, and values. But we may not think about enhancing their life. Being in a long term relationship means compromising and being open to the possibility of doing things that you are not used to. It means not just caring about ourselves but truly
caring about your partner as well. And that means thinking from their
perspective, trying to understand them, respecting their thoughts and values,
and making sacrifices to accommodate them. This does not mean you have to
do everything they ask, nor surrender everything to them. But it does mean
that the relationship is not all about you. You are no longer two individuals just living together. You are now a team.
If one of you does not do well, then it is up to the other to help or the
"team" will suffer. Even in an argument, if one person wins, both of you actually lose.
Someone who is committed to you.
Your partner may meet all the qualities above but it means nothing if they are not committed to you.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Be positive... no one likes a grumpy old man/woman
I am dedicating this post to my friend, Belinda. Belinda is my high school friend who was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer four years ago. This was shocking because she was only in her early 30's, never smoked, and lived a healthy lifestyle. She underwent radiation therapy and chemotherapy, even various experimental chemo treatments. However, nothing helped. Recently, her doctors told her that she has two weeks to live. She told me that she wished she could be anyone else in the world rather than herself right now. But because that cannot happen, she has accepted fate. I cannot fathom how she feels.
I asked myself what I would do if I knew I had two weeks to live. I would meet with family and friends on an individual basis to catch up, stroll down memory lane, and tell them how much I appreciate them. I would not tell them I was dying because I would not want the conversation to have a sad undertone. I would want their last experience with me to be happy. But why should I wait until I know I am dying to tell those I care about that I appreciate them?
We all have a finite amount of time to live. It seems like we will live forever when we are young, but no one is immune to death. We eventually use up our time. We could live for another day, a few years, or several decades more. Even if we are young and healthy, we could die the next day without warning (no one wakes up knowing they will get hit by a car later that day).
Therefore, we should be wise in how we use our precious (limited) time. Appreciate those you love. Appreciate yourself. Do things you enjoy. Enjoy each moment for what it is, as each one is unique. You may not have that exact moment again with the same combination of factors (the specific surroundings/environment/situation, same people around you doing what they were doing, emotions/thoughts you had, etc).
If you were on your deathbed, chances are that you would wish you had spent more time with family and friends, and had done things that you loved. No one wishes they had spent more time at work. I am not saying to quit work and just hang out with family and friends, or spend all your money on hobbies and vices in order to be happy. Rather, do not take loved ones for granted. Tell them you appreciate them from time to time. Take time for yourself. Do not work your life away. There will always be more work that needs to be done.
Do not waste time being unhappy or negative. I am not saying you cannot feel hurt or upset if something bad happens. That's human and will happen whether you want it or not. Rather, do not dwell on it. Instead, practice letting go of the upset that you might experience, especially trivial matters. Almost everything in life is a choice. You choose how to react to any situation. Do you want to spend your life being mostly upset... or mostly happy? Even if you were in an accident and lost your leg, it could be worse. Be thankful to be alive rather than mourning your leg the rest of your life. My friend, Belinda, would still rather be in that situation than hers.
Being positive does not just affect you. It has a ripple effect and affects those around you. I have been in relationships with those who are negative, and am now with someone who is always positive. What a difference! It sets the tone for the relationship. No one likes to be around a grumpy old man/woman, even if they are in a young body. Who likes being around a constant complainer or sourpuss? Being often negative makes the relationship toxic. Your partner needs to constantly comfort, or cater to you. It is consuming and draining for your partner, and eventually, for the relationship.
Being in a relationship with a positive person is like constantly being around sunshine. Who doesn't like being greeted by someone who is smiling and happy to see them? Who doesn't like a lot of laughter or lightness in their interactions? Whenever problems arise in life or in the relationship, they attempt to problem solve and offer emotional support without scowl or much complaining. It is very uplifting and makes everything seem like it will be okay.
So prioritize who or what is important to you, and use your (limited) time to pay attention to those people or things. You really do only live once. So live it well... and happily.
My primary goals/purposes in life are to:
1 - help/benefit others
2 - truly love someone and be loved
3 - be happy
Helpful links:
How to make your personality more attractive
Can people change?
I asked myself what I would do if I knew I had two weeks to live. I would meet with family and friends on an individual basis to catch up, stroll down memory lane, and tell them how much I appreciate them. I would not tell them I was dying because I would not want the conversation to have a sad undertone. I would want their last experience with me to be happy. But why should I wait until I know I am dying to tell those I care about that I appreciate them?
We all have a finite amount of time to live. It seems like we will live forever when we are young, but no one is immune to death. We eventually use up our time. We could live for another day, a few years, or several decades more. Even if we are young and healthy, we could die the next day without warning (no one wakes up knowing they will get hit by a car later that day).
Therefore, we should be wise in how we use our precious (limited) time. Appreciate those you love. Appreciate yourself. Do things you enjoy. Enjoy each moment for what it is, as each one is unique. You may not have that exact moment again with the same combination of factors (the specific surroundings/environment/situation, same people around you doing what they were doing, emotions/thoughts you had, etc).
If you were on your deathbed, chances are that you would wish you had spent more time with family and friends, and had done things that you loved. No one wishes they had spent more time at work. I am not saying to quit work and just hang out with family and friends, or spend all your money on hobbies and vices in order to be happy. Rather, do not take loved ones for granted. Tell them you appreciate them from time to time. Take time for yourself. Do not work your life away. There will always be more work that needs to be done.
Do not waste time being unhappy or negative. I am not saying you cannot feel hurt or upset if something bad happens. That's human and will happen whether you want it or not. Rather, do not dwell on it. Instead, practice letting go of the upset that you might experience, especially trivial matters. Almost everything in life is a choice. You choose how to react to any situation. Do you want to spend your life being mostly upset... or mostly happy? Even if you were in an accident and lost your leg, it could be worse. Be thankful to be alive rather than mourning your leg the rest of your life. My friend, Belinda, would still rather be in that situation than hers.
Being positive does not just affect you. It has a ripple effect and affects those around you. I have been in relationships with those who are negative, and am now with someone who is always positive. What a difference! It sets the tone for the relationship. No one likes to be around a grumpy old man/woman, even if they are in a young body. Who likes being around a constant complainer or sourpuss? Being often negative makes the relationship toxic. Your partner needs to constantly comfort, or cater to you. It is consuming and draining for your partner, and eventually, for the relationship.
Being in a relationship with a positive person is like constantly being around sunshine. Who doesn't like being greeted by someone who is smiling and happy to see them? Who doesn't like a lot of laughter or lightness in their interactions? Whenever problems arise in life or in the relationship, they attempt to problem solve and offer emotional support without scowl or much complaining. It is very uplifting and makes everything seem like it will be okay.
So prioritize who or what is important to you, and use your (limited) time to pay attention to those people or things. You really do only live once. So live it well... and happily.
My primary goals/purposes in life are to:
1 - help/benefit others
2 - truly love someone and be loved
3 - be happy
Helpful links:
How to make your personality more attractive
Can people change?
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Types of love
There are various types of love. There is love for family, friends and companion animals. Then there is romantic love. Within the realm of romance, what we call "love" can be further subdivided into infatuation, eroticism, being in love (and more).
Infatuation/eroticism
It is important to distinguish between infatuation and love. Infatuation is a "superficial love." It is an extreme lust or passion for someone, or an obsession. It typically occurs after you just met the person or the relationship is new. You do not know the person well yet - their values, background, personality, habits, routines, preferences, opinions on various topics, goals for the future, or flaws. The person and relationship seem exciting and perfect. The intense joy you feel thinking about, and being around, this person can easily be mistaken for love. While such feelings might ripen into a lasting love, these feelings are in the early stages and mostly based on a fantasy about a connection we yearn for, and that feels extremely fulfilling in the moment. Eroticism is similar to infatuation, but eroticism is more focused on the sexual or physical connection.
Caring for someone
You can care for someone, but not love them. However, if you love them, you care for them. Once you are settled in a relationship, it is important to distinguish love from merely caring for your partner. A substantial portion of long-term relationships consist of two people who become good friends that are comfortable with, and care about, each other... but not to the point that they love the other person. And this lack of love can lead to problems in the relationship.
Each love you have for a different person can be a different experience or feeling. For me, love is such a powerful emotional phenomenon that no single word can adequately nor appropriately capture all that it encompasses, so I have to settle for the word love to merely represent it.
Infatuation/eroticism
It is important to distinguish between infatuation and love. Infatuation is a "superficial love." It is an extreme lust or passion for someone, or an obsession. It typically occurs after you just met the person or the relationship is new. You do not know the person well yet - their values, background, personality, habits, routines, preferences, opinions on various topics, goals for the future, or flaws. The person and relationship seem exciting and perfect. The intense joy you feel thinking about, and being around, this person can easily be mistaken for love. While such feelings might ripen into a lasting love, these feelings are in the early stages and mostly based on a fantasy about a connection we yearn for, and that feels extremely fulfilling in the moment. Eroticism is similar to infatuation, but eroticism is more focused on the sexual or physical connection.
Caring for someone
You can care for someone, but not love them. However, if you love them, you care for them. Once you are settled in a relationship, it is important to distinguish love from merely caring for your partner. A substantial portion of long-term relationships consist of two people who become good friends that are comfortable with, and care about, each other... but not to the point that they love the other person. And this lack of love can lead to problems in the relationship.
What is love?
Everyone has their own definition of love. In general, love is a deep connection to someone after knowing them well. You respect them. You love them for who they are, and accept them for who they are not. You accept their flaws (although this does not mean you do not want to them to better themselves). You care for them deeply. You are happy when they are happy. You hurt when they hurt. Their well-being is important to you such that you will make sacrifices for their happiness without regret or resentment.
Everyone has their own definition of love. In general, love is a deep connection to someone after knowing them well. You respect them. You love them for who they are, and accept them for who they are not. You accept their flaws (although this does not mean you do not want to them to better themselves). You care for them deeply. You are happy when they are happy. You hurt when they hurt. Their well-being is important to you such that you will make sacrifices for their happiness without regret or resentment.
Being in love
Personally, I think loving someone and being in love are different entities, although they share many commonalities. There is a degree of infatuation and eroticism when one is in love. One tends to be in love earlier in a relationship when the partner and things appear fresh and exciting. As the relationship further matures, being in love progresses to (a deeper) love. Of course, one can both be in love and love someone simultaneously.
For me, signs I love/am in love include the following:
- I would do something drastic for him (such as giving up an organ, assuming I have two of this organ).
- I would still care for him if something bad happened to him (he acquires a chronic illness or he later has a psychiatric condition).
- His happiness and welfare supersede mine.
- I gladly make sacrifices for him.
- I would do something drastic for him (such as giving up an organ, assuming I have two of this organ).
- I would still care for him if something bad happened to him (he acquires a chronic illness or he later has a psychiatric condition).
- His happiness and welfare supersede mine.
- I gladly make sacrifices for him.
- Thinking of him makes me feel happy (inside and out).
- I act differently around him.
- I make exceptions for him.
- I act differently around him.
- I make exceptions for him.
- I care for him even if he does not reciprocate.
- A disagreement, argument, criticism or disapproval hurts more coming from him than anyone else
- I accept him for who he is, and who he is not. However, this does not mean that I don't want him to better himself.
- A disagreement, argument, criticism or disapproval hurts more coming from him than anyone else
- I accept him for who he is, and who he is not. However, this does not mean that I don't want him to better himself.
- I understand what love songs are talking about. I really would be willing to walk a thousand miles just to get a glimpse of him.
- I get very emotional thinking or talking about him.
- The tone of my voice changes when speaking to him compared to other people.
- His name, possessions, and things associated with him carry special meaning.
- I think of him often. I think about him when I go to sleep, and when I awake.
- I do not have to question if I am in love. I know.
You will know when you are in love. If you have to ask if you are in love, then you are not.
- I get very emotional thinking or talking about him.
- The tone of my voice changes when speaking to him compared to other people.
- His name, possessions, and things associated with him carry special meaning.
- I think of him often. I think about him when I go to sleep, and when I awake.
- I do not have to question if I am in love. I know.
You will know when you are in love. If you have to ask if you are in love, then you are not.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
During a bad first date - dash or stay?
Almost everyone has had a bad date (here are some of mine). That is why it is better to meet for coffee/tea or a drink on the first date. If you do not like your date, you can leave after half an hour or so. If you like your date, you can extend the date by having a full meal after drinks.
You generally know whether you like your date within the first few minutes of meeting (if not immediately). Some women have a friend deliberately call mid-date so she can pretend there is an emergency and she needs to leave immediately, in case she does not like the guy. The advantages to this are two-fold: 1) it gives an escape plan in case the date is terrible, and 2) you do not necessarily hurt the guy's feeling, at least not at that time and not face-to-face (you will eventually disappoint him when you reject him later if he asks you out again). However, most guys see through this trick and know what is really happening.
So is it best to dash when you are certain that you do not want to date him again? It depends. I would encourage leaving the date early (whether it is by the "emergency" phone call or just walking out) if your date is dangerous, threatening, or a jerk. Aside from that, stay if you can tolerate the date (e.g., there is no physical attraction or you two are not compatible, but your date is otherwise nice). Do not show signs of romantic interest or extend the date past what was originally planned, but just be courteous and polite during the remaining time on the date.
Here are reasons you should stay:
1. Use this time to practice being on a date. Practice the social skills you would use on a date (just do not implement your flirting or kissing skills).
2. Make a friend. Just because you may not be destined to be lovers does not mean you two cannot be friends. Just make it clear that the relationship is platonic if you decide to see him again.
3. Learn from your date. Use this opportunity to learn something you would not otherwise. For example, ask him about where he/his family is from, his travels/adventures, profession, or interests/hobbies. There is bound to be something he mentions with which you are not familiar, and ask him more about it to learn about that topic. (See my post on Questions to ask on first date.)
4. Make the most of your time on the date. Even though you may not see him again, enjoy the moment and company. Everyone has interesting stories. Ask him some fun questions and be prepared to hear entertaining stories.
- What is the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you?
- What is the hardest (or scariest) thing you had to do?
- Tell me about a recent adventure or spontaneous thing you have done.
- What is your favorite childhood memory?
- What is the most private thing you are willing to admit?
- If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?
- Tell me a random fact about you.
- What accomplishment are you most proud of?
5. You do not know whether your date may be a connection to someone you know (such as a a friend of a friend) or another encounter later in life (for example, be a loan officer at a bank when you need to borrow money).
You generally know whether you like your date within the first few minutes of meeting (if not immediately). Some women have a friend deliberately call mid-date so she can pretend there is an emergency and she needs to leave immediately, in case she does not like the guy. The advantages to this are two-fold: 1) it gives an escape plan in case the date is terrible, and 2) you do not necessarily hurt the guy's feeling, at least not at that time and not face-to-face (you will eventually disappoint him when you reject him later if he asks you out again). However, most guys see through this trick and know what is really happening.
So is it best to dash when you are certain that you do not want to date him again? It depends. I would encourage leaving the date early (whether it is by the "emergency" phone call or just walking out) if your date is dangerous, threatening, or a jerk. Aside from that, stay if you can tolerate the date (e.g., there is no physical attraction or you two are not compatible, but your date is otherwise nice). Do not show signs of romantic interest or extend the date past what was originally planned, but just be courteous and polite during the remaining time on the date.
Here are reasons you should stay:
1. Use this time to practice being on a date. Practice the social skills you would use on a date (just do not implement your flirting or kissing skills).
2. Make a friend. Just because you may not be destined to be lovers does not mean you two cannot be friends. Just make it clear that the relationship is platonic if you decide to see him again.
3. Learn from your date. Use this opportunity to learn something you would not otherwise. For example, ask him about where he/his family is from, his travels/adventures, profession, or interests/hobbies. There is bound to be something he mentions with which you are not familiar, and ask him more about it to learn about that topic. (See my post on Questions to ask on first date.)
4. Make the most of your time on the date. Even though you may not see him again, enjoy the moment and company. Everyone has interesting stories. Ask him some fun questions and be prepared to hear entertaining stories.
- What is the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you?
- What is the hardest (or scariest) thing you had to do?
- Tell me about a recent adventure or spontaneous thing you have done.
- What is your favorite childhood memory?
- What is the most private thing you are willing to admit?
- If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?
- Tell me a random fact about you.
- What accomplishment are you most proud of?
5. You do not know whether your date may be a connection to someone you know (such as a a friend of a friend) or another encounter later in life (for example, be a loan officer at a bank when you need to borrow money).
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Benefits of singledom
Although being in a relationship has its benefits, being single has its perks as well. First, you must feel comfortable not being in a relationship. It can be difficult if you just ended a long term relationship. But you will heal with time, social support, and distractions. (See my post on How to handle rejection in dating.)
It is good to have time by yourself when you come out from a relationship before dating again. Get into the mindset that there is no pressure to find someone soon. Take this time to concentrate on yourself. You can lose, or forget about, yourself in a long term relationship after adapting or accommodating to the other person for a prolonged period. So learn about yourself again. Be introspective. Improve yourself. It is important to know, respect and love yourself first before getting into a relationship. If you do not understand yourself well or appreciate yourself, how do you expect someone else to?
You have more time for yourself. Do things you enjoy. Find a new hobby. Travel. Volunteer in community services. Improve your work performance or chances of a promotion (but do not become a workaholic). If you recently came out from a relationship, these are all things that will also distract you and help you get over your ex.
Another benefit of being single is that you do not have to adapt or accommodate to a partner. You can go ahead with your own routines, habits and preferences. You can do whatever you want... whenever, however and wherever you want... with whom you want, and for as long as you want. You do not have confer with a partner, or accommodate to their preferences or schedule. You also do not have to do things they wanted that you did not enjoy.
Being single, you save money that would have been spent on your partner. Spend it on yourself instead.
Being single does not mean that you are alone. You can have family, friends, and even pets be an active and important part of your life. Spend time cultivating your relationships with them - make these relationships strong and meaningful. These are the people who are your support system and stable factors in your life. Until you meet "The One," your boy/girlfriends will just come and go.
Enjoy dating. Flirt and play the field if you want. Enjoy the excitement of meeting new people and tingles of a first date or new relationship. Even though you may have bad dates or short term relationships, make the most of that time. Learn from your bad dates and relationships.
The grass is always greener on the other side. People who are single want to be in a long term relationship. Those who are in a long term relationship or married miss aspects of being single. With the greener grass, there are also weeds and more fertilizer/manure you have to face. And sometimes the grass may appear greener but it is actually artificial turf. So water your own grass and it will naturally become more green.
It is good to have time by yourself when you come out from a relationship before dating again. Get into the mindset that there is no pressure to find someone soon. Take this time to concentrate on yourself. You can lose, or forget about, yourself in a long term relationship after adapting or accommodating to the other person for a prolonged period. So learn about yourself again. Be introspective. Improve yourself. It is important to know, respect and love yourself first before getting into a relationship. If you do not understand yourself well or appreciate yourself, how do you expect someone else to?
You have more time for yourself. Do things you enjoy. Find a new hobby. Travel. Volunteer in community services. Improve your work performance or chances of a promotion (but do not become a workaholic). If you recently came out from a relationship, these are all things that will also distract you and help you get over your ex.
Another benefit of being single is that you do not have to adapt or accommodate to a partner. You can go ahead with your own routines, habits and preferences. You can do whatever you want... whenever, however and wherever you want... with whom you want, and for as long as you want. You do not have confer with a partner, or accommodate to their preferences or schedule. You also do not have to do things they wanted that you did not enjoy.
Being single, you save money that would have been spent on your partner. Spend it on yourself instead.
Being single does not mean that you are alone. You can have family, friends, and even pets be an active and important part of your life. Spend time cultivating your relationships with them - make these relationships strong and meaningful. These are the people who are your support system and stable factors in your life. Until you meet "The One," your boy/girlfriends will just come and go.
Enjoy dating. Flirt and play the field if you want. Enjoy the excitement of meeting new people and tingles of a first date or new relationship. Even though you may have bad dates or short term relationships, make the most of that time. Learn from your bad dates and relationships.
The grass is always greener on the other side. People who are single want to be in a long term relationship. Those who are in a long term relationship or married miss aspects of being single. With the greener grass, there are also weeds and more fertilizer/manure you have to face. And sometimes the grass may appear greener but it is actually artificial turf. So water your own grass and it will naturally become more green.
Friday, March 27, 2015
My worst date ever... and what I learned
On my last post, Why first dates fail, I noted how important it is to learn from unsuccessful dates. So I will share my worst first date and what it taught me. I have had multiple bad first dates, but there is one that stands out. This date was over two years ago, so I will try to recall the sequence of events and relevant details as best I can. I met "Adam" on a dating website. We exchanged a couple of brief emails and spoke once on the phone before we met. He was not a great phone conversationalist (for example, he was eating steak while we were talking on the phone). My friend convinced me to meet him anyway because some people are not great conversationalists on the phone, yet are better in person.
Adam and I decided to meet at a bar in Manhattan on a Friday night. When I first saw Adam, I immediately knew that his photos online were at least several years old. He looked older and had gained weight since the photos were taken. He had told me over the phone about his upcoming birthday, so shortly after I introduced myself and sat down at the bar, I wished him a happy 39th birthday (his online profile said he was 38). He then admitted that he actually turned 41. Two strikes already... and we were only a couple of minutes into the date.
We ordered drinks - Adam ordered an alcoholic drink and I ordered a ginger ale (I cannot tolerate much alcohol). Over the next hour, we talked about various topics. Among those topics, Adam mentioned that he wanted to start a family soon, and later said he would like to travel around the world to help people. I suggested joining the Peace Corps but he did not know what that was. I subsequently explained that the Peace Corps was an American organization that sends volunteers to foreign countries to help fulfill their needs. I also commented that perhaps Adam may think about joining soon if his goal was to start a family in America over the next few years. He subsequently laughed and stated that having young children would not be a hindering factor for joining the Peace Corps since he would leave them with their mother in America.
A couple of other things irked me at various points on the date. Adam laughed inappropriately for prolonged periods at things that were not funny. (He was not drunk at any point during the date.) He was also fidgety, as if he had ADHD. This increased level of activity was congruent with his life. He informed me that he had multiple activities occurring simultaneously because he was easily bored. He was in the process of buying properties, learning Spanish (so he could conduct business in Latin America), and starting his own line of purses (at that point in the conversation, he caressed my purse and complimented the fabric). I did not have an issue with someone being involved in numerous projects, as long as the person could handle them. I was just not sure whether Adam's constant fidgeting was an indication of mental hyperactivity, and that he had difficulty focusing on one thing, and therefore, ended up with multiple incomplete projects.
I was not enjoying myself on the date and could not wait to leave. However, I sat through the entire date and carried the conversation politely. We departed at the end of the date without mention of follow-up plans (such as "I'll call you" or "I had a good time, let's do this again"). I deleted his phone number as soon as I left the bar.
The weekend passed and Adam texted me on Monday to ask if I wanted to go out with him again - this time to Chinatown (I had mentioned on the date that I occasionally go there). I texted that I was not interested, and thought that was the end of the conversation. However, he replied asking why. I never had a guy ask me for the reason I declined a second date. But I did not want to be rude by ignoring him, so I replied that we had different values. I gave the example of how he would not mind joining the Peace Corps and traveling abroad for a prolonged period if we had started a family. I would want the father of my children to be present, especially when they were young. Adam subsequently texted that he was currently at a bank yet could not stop laughing out loud. He thought his traveling had nothing to do with how good I was as a mother. I explained that I was not concerned about it affecting my abilities as a mother, but that I wanted my children to have their father around. I said that we had different values, and that no one was right or wrong. Our values were just different and I respected his. He stated that I was so funny, I should be on a comedy show and that he could not wait to have drinks with his friend that night to show him our text conversation so they could have a big laugh. At that point, I stopped texting him.
So what did I learn?
1. I should have stopped texting him much earlier. There was no need to explain why I was not interested in a second date after I (politely) declined the offer. I thought it was rude not to respond, but in retrospect, it would not have been inappropriate. (If we have had several dates, then I think I owed him a reason.) You open a can of worms when you give a reason.
2. I should have stopped texting after he went on and on. I felt the need to explain myself but he was neither logical nor respectful (probably to any explanation I would have provided for not wanting a second date).
3. If someone is a poor phone conversationalist, they are unlikely to be a great conversationalist in person. (This is different from people who merely prefer speaking with someone in person rather than on the phone.)
4. My instincts were accurate. I was correct in concluding (very soon after we met on the date) that he was not the one for me, and the text conversation confirmed it.
5. People handle rejection differently. Adam's way was to ridicule the other person. (See my post on How to handle rejection in dating.)
Adam and I decided to meet at a bar in Manhattan on a Friday night. When I first saw Adam, I immediately knew that his photos online were at least several years old. He looked older and had gained weight since the photos were taken. He had told me over the phone about his upcoming birthday, so shortly after I introduced myself and sat down at the bar, I wished him a happy 39th birthday (his online profile said he was 38). He then admitted that he actually turned 41. Two strikes already... and we were only a couple of minutes into the date.
We ordered drinks - Adam ordered an alcoholic drink and I ordered a ginger ale (I cannot tolerate much alcohol). Over the next hour, we talked about various topics. Among those topics, Adam mentioned that he wanted to start a family soon, and later said he would like to travel around the world to help people. I suggested joining the Peace Corps but he did not know what that was. I subsequently explained that the Peace Corps was an American organization that sends volunteers to foreign countries to help fulfill their needs. I also commented that perhaps Adam may think about joining soon if his goal was to start a family in America over the next few years. He subsequently laughed and stated that having young children would not be a hindering factor for joining the Peace Corps since he would leave them with their mother in America.
A couple of other things irked me at various points on the date. Adam laughed inappropriately for prolonged periods at things that were not funny. (He was not drunk at any point during the date.) He was also fidgety, as if he had ADHD. This increased level of activity was congruent with his life. He informed me that he had multiple activities occurring simultaneously because he was easily bored. He was in the process of buying properties, learning Spanish (so he could conduct business in Latin America), and starting his own line of purses (at that point in the conversation, he caressed my purse and complimented the fabric). I did not have an issue with someone being involved in numerous projects, as long as the person could handle them. I was just not sure whether Adam's constant fidgeting was an indication of mental hyperactivity, and that he had difficulty focusing on one thing, and therefore, ended up with multiple incomplete projects.
I was not enjoying myself on the date and could not wait to leave. However, I sat through the entire date and carried the conversation politely. We departed at the end of the date without mention of follow-up plans (such as "I'll call you" or "I had a good time, let's do this again"). I deleted his phone number as soon as I left the bar.
The weekend passed and Adam texted me on Monday to ask if I wanted to go out with him again - this time to Chinatown (I had mentioned on the date that I occasionally go there). I texted that I was not interested, and thought that was the end of the conversation. However, he replied asking why. I never had a guy ask me for the reason I declined a second date. But I did not want to be rude by ignoring him, so I replied that we had different values. I gave the example of how he would not mind joining the Peace Corps and traveling abroad for a prolonged period if we had started a family. I would want the father of my children to be present, especially when they were young. Adam subsequently texted that he was currently at a bank yet could not stop laughing out loud. He thought his traveling had nothing to do with how good I was as a mother. I explained that I was not concerned about it affecting my abilities as a mother, but that I wanted my children to have their father around. I said that we had different values, and that no one was right or wrong. Our values were just different and I respected his. He stated that I was so funny, I should be on a comedy show and that he could not wait to have drinks with his friend that night to show him our text conversation so they could have a big laugh. At that point, I stopped texting him.
So what did I learn?
1. I should have stopped texting him much earlier. There was no need to explain why I was not interested in a second date after I (politely) declined the offer. I thought it was rude not to respond, but in retrospect, it would not have been inappropriate. (If we have had several dates, then I think I owed him a reason.) You open a can of worms when you give a reason.
2. I should have stopped texting after he went on and on. I felt the need to explain myself but he was neither logical nor respectful (probably to any explanation I would have provided for not wanting a second date).
3. If someone is a poor phone conversationalist, they are unlikely to be a great conversationalist in person. (This is different from people who merely prefer speaking with someone in person rather than on the phone.)
4. My instincts were accurate. I was correct in concluding (very soon after we met on the date) that he was not the one for me, and the text conversation confirmed it.
5. People handle rejection differently. Adam's way was to ridicule the other person. (See my post on How to handle rejection in dating.)
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Why first dates fail
I listen to a segment called "Blown Off" on the radio station 95.5 WPLJ on my way to work in the morning. Callers ask the station for help after they had what seemingly was a great first date (or few great dates) but did not hear back from the other person afterwards. In an attempt to help the caller, the radio station calls the date to ask why they blew the caller off. The reasons people gave included:
1. Lack of physical attraction
- bad teeth, thinning hairline, and bad breath
- too hairy
- too sweaty
- overweight
- not the ethnicity date wants
- awkwardly large breast implants (though some men may not mind this)
- persistent eye twitch
- bad teeth, thinning hairline, and bad breath
- too hairy
- too sweaty
- overweight
- not the ethnicity date wants
- awkwardly large breast implants (though some men may not mind this)
- persistent eye twitch
2. Unattractive or weird personality
- extremely uptight
- hypochondriac
- extreme negativity about men
- lazy (does not like to go out or do anything physically active)
- angers easily (road rage, paranoid other men are checking date out)
- extremely uptight
- hypochondriac
- extreme negativity about men
- lazy (does not like to go out or do anything physically active)
- angers easily (road rage, paranoid other men are checking date out)
3. Unattractive or inappropriate behavior
- constantly speaks like a baby
- weird laugh
- frequently curses
- talks very loudly
- sexting inappropriate photos after date
- speaks then silent for prolonged intervals
- poor dining etiquette (chews with mouth open, spits out food while talking and eating, food in hair)
- frequently on cell phone during date
- "story-topper" (tries to trump person's story by telling a better one)
- constantly speaks like a baby
- weird laugh
- frequently curses
- talks very loudly
- sexting inappropriate photos after date
- speaks then silent for prolonged intervals
- poor dining etiquette (chews with mouth open, spits out food while talking and eating, food in hair)
- frequently on cell phone during date
- "story-topper" (tries to trump person's story by telling a better one)
4. Inappropriate activity for first date
- dinner with parents who asks about date's fertility
- brings children to first date
- goes shopping at various dealerships for used cars (guy feels he was being used to drive girl around)
- goes to a comedy club on open mic night and girl incessantly makes fun of her date on stage
- shows photos of ex
- dinner with parents who asks about date's fertility
- brings children to first date
- goes shopping at various dealerships for used cars (guy feels he was being used to drive girl around)
- goes to a comedy club on open mic night and girl incessantly makes fun of her date on stage
- shows photos of ex
5. Gets drunk or stoned during date
6. Inappropriate conversation topics
- divorce
- engagement rings and wedding ideas
- having children
- obsessively talks about working out and asks girl her percentage of body fat
- pushy about buying phone app
- divorce
- engagement rings and wedding ideas
- having children
- obsessively talks about working out and asks girl her percentage of body fat
- pushy about buying phone app
7. Not romantic
- goes to AppleBee's and guy uses gift card to pay for dinner
- guy licks girl's face instead of a simple kiss at end of date
- guy wears the same clothes to date as to gym
- goes to AppleBee's and guy uses gift card to pay for dinner
- guy licks girl's face instead of a simple kiss at end of date
- guy wears the same clothes to date as to gym
8. Sexual incompatibility
- girl does not want to have pre-marital sex
- guy is a player
- guy only wants a one-night stand
- guy takes out private part during dinner
- girl mistakenly thinks it is a romantic date but guy is actually homosexual
- girl does not want to have pre-marital sex
- guy is a player
- guy only wants a one-night stand
- guy takes out private part during dinner
- girl mistakenly thinks it is a romantic date but guy is actually homosexual
9. Economic/social status
- guy's credit card is declined so girl has to pay for steak dinner
- guy works at Walmart
- guy's credit card is declined so girl has to pay for steak dinner
- guy works at Walmart
10. Safety or theft
- threatening ex-boyfriend
- family may be violent
- guy thinks girl stole money from drawer after staying overnight
- threatening ex-boyfriend
- family may be violent
- guy thinks girl stole money from drawer after staying overnight
Because specific reasons were given as to why the date lost interest, one could argue that the person could just fix that one particular factor. However, there are two bigger lessons to be learned.
The first lesson is to have awareness. Be aware and observant of yourself, your date, and the situation. All callers on the radio show were oblivious to the reason as to why the other person did not respond after the first date. Callers sincerely thought the date went well and could not think of a reason why the other person lost interest.
1. Be aware of yourself
If you are consistently not getting second dates, then there is likely a good reason. Take time to think about your imperfections and/or observe yourself in all aspects - physical appearance, personality, and behavior. Be brutally honest with yourself. You can ask friends and family members to tell you what they think your imperfections are, but be mentally prepared and do not get upset with them if they give you feedback you do not like or agree with. Do not instantaneously deny or make excuses for the flaws they say you have. Instead, think objectively and observe yourself over time to see whether what they say is accurate. It is better to learn about these imperfections you did not know about, and decide whether you want to change them, rather than being oblivious and wonder why you do not get second dates.
If you are consistently not getting second dates, then there is likely a good reason. Take time to think about your imperfections and/or observe yourself in all aspects - physical appearance, personality, and behavior. Be brutally honest with yourself. You can ask friends and family members to tell you what they think your imperfections are, but be mentally prepared and do not get upset with them if they give you feedback you do not like or agree with. Do not instantaneously deny or make excuses for the flaws they say you have. Instead, think objectively and observe yourself over time to see whether what they say is accurate. It is better to learn about these imperfections you did not know about, and decide whether you want to change them, rather than being oblivious and wonder why you do not get second dates.
Helpful links:
How to make yourself more physically attractive
How to make your personality more attractive
What impresses women and men
What men and women dislike about the other
How to make yourself more physically attractive
How to make your personality more attractive
What impresses women and men
What men and women dislike about the other
2. Be aware of your date
If you are meeting people online, you can minimize wasting time going on a date only to quickly find out you were not a match due to lack of attraction or compatibility. Make sure both you and your date have recent and representative photos available. If they do not, ask them to post, email, or text at least two photos (since one photo may not be an accurate depiction). Also, search for matches on the dating website using the criteria you deem important, or ask the potential date about those things in your emails. During the date, watch out for your date's body language and clues as to whether they are interested in you.
If you are meeting people online, you can minimize wasting time going on a date only to quickly find out you were not a match due to lack of attraction or compatibility. Make sure both you and your date have recent and representative photos available. If they do not, ask them to post, email, or text at least two photos (since one photo may not be an accurate depiction). Also, search for matches on the dating website using the criteria you deem important, or ask the potential date about those things in your emails. During the date, watch out for your date's body language and clues as to whether they are interested in you.
3. Be aware of the situation
Remember, this is a first date. You need to make a good impression. Therefore, be appropriate - the setting/activity, attire, conversation topics, and behavior.
Remember, this is a first date. You need to make a good impression. Therefore, be appropriate - the setting/activity, attire, conversation topics, and behavior.
Helpful links:
Advice for first dates
Ideas for dates
What to wear on a first date
Proper dinner date etiquette
Comebacks to "Why are you still single?"
The first date kiss
Advice for first dates
Ideas for dates
What to wear on a first date
Proper dinner date etiquette
Comebacks to "Why are you still single?"
The first date kiss
The second lesson is to think about whether you want to change in order to date the other person. Obviously, if you think the other person pointed out a valid flaw and you want to improve, then go ahead. Keep in mind it is better to change for yourself than for someone else. If you are uncertain whether you want to make the change, consider:
- if the change is truly for the better
- whether the change is really for your benefit or your date's (the change will help you improve as a person rather than merely accommodate to your date's preferences)
- how major the change is
- how important that trait/value/activity is to you (how much it is the essence of who you are)
- how difficult the change would be
- if the change is truly for the better
- whether the change is really for your benefit or your date's (the change will help you improve as a person rather than merely accommodate to your date's preferences)
- how major the change is
- how important that trait/value/activity is to you (how much it is the essence of who you are)
- how difficult the change would be
Keep in mind that everyone has different preferences. You may change for one person, but someone else may like that particular trait you have. For example, I thought that my petite size would not be considered attractive since the typical beautiful woman portrayed in the media is tall. However, I learned from dating that there is a subpopulation of men who prefer petite women.
The most important thing about unsuccessful first dates is what you learn from them. Try to learn about yourself and improve as a person. The second dates will naturally come afterwards. (Read about my worst date ever... and what I learned.)
Monday, June 16, 2014
Situations to learn about someone
Having a conversation with your date certainly helps you learn more about them, but there are certain situations that can help reveal qualities that do not show during a conversation.
1. Driving
This has nothing to do with driving skill. It is a matter of seeing how his personality manifests in driving and his car.
- How well maintained does his car look? It could be a new car but poorly cared for. It could be old but well taken care of.
- Does your gentlemen friend open the car door for you?
- How messy or smelly is his car?
- Is he an aggressive or passive/overly cautious driver? This can reveal how his personality generally is.
- Does he speed and consistently weave in and out of lanes just to make the trip slightly faster? He is risking his (and your) life just to save a few minutes.
- Does he let other cars (who signal) into your lane?
- When there is a long exit ramp packed with cars, does he drive to the front of the line and muscle his way into the lane? Unless the driver has a very good reason (e.g., they are in a hurry because they have to rush to the hospital), I generally think such people are narcissistic or selfish - what makes them more important than everyone else??
- Does he let pedestrians cross?
- When it's late at night, I think it's an extra bonus when he waits after he drops you off to see that you safely go inside your home before driving off.
2. Eating
Having a meal together can reveal their manners and how considerate they are. Please see my post on Proper dinner date etiquette.
3. How he treats children, the elderly, the handicap, and animals
These are "vulnerable" populations so you can see how your significant other treats those they think may be "weaker" than them. Are they playful with children and animals, and respectful towards the elderly and handicap?
4. Playing a game or sport in a team
- How competitive is your partner?
- Is your partner a good team player?
- What is their sportsmanship?
- Do they cheat to advance?
- Do they boast after winning? Or are they a sore loser if they don't win?
- How competitive is your partner?
- Is your partner a good team player?
- What is their sportsmanship?
- Do they cheat to advance?
- Do they boast after winning? Or are they a sore loser if they don't win?
5. Taking a short trip together
This gives you a preview of whether your personalities and lifestyles get along.
- Are you able to stand the other person after being with them for hours or after sharing a room?
- If you share a room, are your routines, lifestyles, and preferences compatible?
- Do you want to do the same activities, go to the same places, or eat at the same time/restaurant? If not, how well do you two compromise?
- How considerate is the other person of your feelings, personal space, and preferences?
- How well do you converse with them over the course of an entire day? Do you run out of conversation?
- Who pays for the travel, hotel, food, activities, etc?
- If by the end of the trip, you wish you had more time with them, then that is a good sign.
This gives you a preview of whether your personalities and lifestyles get along.
- Are you able to stand the other person after being with them for hours or after sharing a room?
- If you share a room, are your routines, lifestyles, and preferences compatible?
- Do you want to do the same activities, go to the same places, or eat at the same time/restaurant? If not, how well do you two compromise?
- How considerate is the other person of your feelings, personal space, and preferences?
- How well do you converse with them over the course of an entire day? Do you run out of conversation?
- Who pays for the travel, hotel, food, activities, etc?
- If by the end of the trip, you wish you had more time with them, then that is a good sign.
6. Stressful situation
Inhibitions are let down under stressful situations. How do they handle a challenge? People are not usually as nice as they typically are, and their true colors may show.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Being Childfree
Being childfree is different from being childless. Being childfree is the conscious decision to not have children, whereas being childless is not having any children despite the desire to do so.
My recent egg freezing had me rethink about whether I want to be a single parent. If those two weeks alone were difficult, I cannot imagine how it would be raising a child alone. If I don't find a partner, will I be able to give the amount of time and attention that I want my child to have since I will need to work full-time to support us? There are so many important decisions to make and innumerable things involved in raising a child. It would certainly be easier with a partner. Without one, it is doable but suboptimal, and depends on various factors (such as having family/friends to help and/or the financial means). The choice to be a single parent is individual and what is right for her. So I certainly commend single parents.
Isn't it interesting that there aren't single men who hire an egg donor and surrogate to raise a child on his own? (I am not referring to homosexual gay couples.) There certainly could be single men who do that, but it is rather uncommon. On the other hand, most women have the strong tendency to be maternal (more than men's tendency to be paternal), which may be partly due to biology and our society or culture. However, the trend has been that women are having children later in life, or not having children at all (currently 20% of American women, compared to 10% in 1970s). This is largely in part due to education and career. At least half of the student population in colleges and graduate schools is now female.
It is important to understand the reason(s) for wanting children and be sure that it is a good one. Unlike a purchase, you cannot return or exchange the child once you have one. Some reasons I have heard for wanting children include:
- A natural urge to care for a "little someone"
- Falling in love with someone and wanting that "love" to grow and expand into a family
- Being told by society/culture that this is want we should be doing as an adult
- Being lonely
- We want someone to look up to us, or someone to need/depend on us
- The significant other wants children
- It is a way to save a failing relationship
- To raise someone the way we wanted ourselves to be raised as a child (in essence, raising "ourselves")
- To fulfill the dreams we wanted for ourselves but did not
- Someone to dress up in cute clothes and braid their hair
- A natural urge to care for a "little someone"
- Falling in love with someone and wanting that "love" to grow and expand into a family
- Being told by society/culture that this is want we should be doing as an adult
- Being lonely
- We want someone to look up to us, or someone to need/depend on us
- The significant other wants children
- It is a way to save a failing relationship
- To raise someone the way we wanted ourselves to be raised as a child (in essence, raising "ourselves")
- To fulfill the dreams we wanted for ourselves but did not
- Someone to dress up in cute clothes and braid their hair
On an ethical level, having a child is a big responsibility - your child's whole world is you. He or she will depend on you for everything (at least at the beginning). You will deeply impact their life and determine whether it turns out well or not. On a personal level, raising a child will consume a substantial portion of your time and money which potentially prevents you from enjoying or being dedicated to other things and not developing a full life. And on an environmental level, every life will use a lot of resources (water, food, products) and contribute to pollution/waste over the course of their lifetime.
I think for me, if I find someone to share my life with, then I would have a child. But if I do not find that special someone, I don't know if I will. But at least I have my frozen eggs as insurance if I decide I do.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Proper dinner date etiquette
Having proper dinner etiquette on a date is important, as it is a form of nonverbal communication and contributes to the overall impression you give. Some of the following tips seem obvious, but apparently may not be, since a few of my dates did not know them. Other tips may be a little too formal for the setting so may not have to be followed (decide for yourself).
Before you meet your date
- Generally, it is the guy who chooses the restaurant. Ask your date if she has any food allergies or preferences, so you can factor this when picking the restaurant. This shows you are considerate and a thoughtful planner.
- Do not choose a very cheap restaurant such as McDonald's.
- Make dinner reservations and confirm 1-2 days before the date.
- Check out the menu in advance. You can look up foods you are not familiar with, and/or their proper pronunciations. This makes you appear more intelligent during the date.
- Dress properly for the restaurant. Do not wear sneakers to a nice restaurant (although you should not be wearing sneakers on a first date anyway - unless there is a sporting event or activity involved).
- Bring cash in case the restaurant does not accept credit cards. Make sure your credit card works (e.g., you paid the bill so it will not be declined).
- Be on time. Contact your date if you will be late, if even by 5-10 minutes.
At the restaurant, before the meal arrives
- Gentlemen, try to pull out your date's chair and take her coat, if possible.
- Turn off your cell phone, or at least set it to vibrate or silent. If you are expecting a call, let your date know in advance. (This may be useful if you want a rescue call from a friend in case the date does not go well and you need an early escape.) But if you take the call, excuse yourself and step out of the restaurant to talk.
- After sitting down at the table, unfold the napkin and place it on your lap. Do not use it to clean the utensils or plates/dishes, wipe your face, or blow your nose. If you need to leave the table, loosely fold the napkin and place it on the side of the plate (not on the chair).
- Do not position the menu such that your face hides behind it.
- Do not complain about how expensive the food is.
- Do not order an overly excessive amount of food.
- Do not order food that is sloppy (such as spaghetti where the sauce may fly), requires hands to eat (such as crab legs that require cracking), or easily gets stuck in teeth (such as spinach).
- Be courteous to the wait staff (say "please" and "thank you"). Do not snap your fingers to get their attention. Instead, try to make eye contact or raise your hand slightly when the wait staff is close by.
During the meal
- Do not eat until both parties have their food served.
- If there is more than one set of utensils, start with the outer ones (those furthest away from the plate), and use the inner utensils for later courses.
- If you ordered individual entrées, offer to share your food before you eat or use your utensils. Give your date a sample so they do not have to reach over to your plate.
- If there is a common dish you are sharing, serve your date first using serving utensils, not your personal utensils.
- Do not make faces or sounds at food you do not like.
- Do not drink to the point where you get drunk.
- Place your drink to your right.
- Do not play with your food or utensils.
- Do not wave or point with your utensils.
- Once you use the utensil, rest it on the side of the plate or in a bowl when not in use. Do not put it back on the table.
- Do not put elbows on the table.
- Do not chew or speak with your mouth open.
- Do not slurp soup.
- If you burp, excuse yourself.
- Do not pass gas. Excuse yourself to the bathroom first.
- Do not double dip. Instead, break the bread or food in half so you can dip each half. Or transfer some of the spread/sauce/oil/dip to your own plate to use before spreading/dipping and eating.
- If you suspect there is food in between your teeth, do not pick it out with a toothpick or your finger in front of your date. Instead, place the napkin in front of your mouth as if you are wiping it, then use your tongue to remove the bit of food that is stuck. Excuse yourself to the bathroom if it is difficult to remove.
- Spit food inconspicuously into your napkin if you do not want to swallow it.
- If you cough or sneeze, turn away from the table and food, and cover your mouth. Do not blow your nose at the table.
- Pace your eating to your date's so you are not waiting for a long time after you finish while your date is still eating. They may feel rushed since you are done.
- When you are finished with your meal, placing utensils at 4 o'clock on your plate signifies to the wait staff that you are done. Placing utensils at 4 and 8 o'clock signifies you are still working on the meal.
After the meal
- Generally, the guy pays for the meal. I think it is nice if the woman offers to pay her half. In this case, gentlemen - nicely decline her offer and pay anyway. Ladies - bring money just in case the guy does allow you to pay.
- Do not skimp on tipping or use a coupon. This will make you seem cheap.
- Tip in cash (generally 15-20%). This is something I prefer regardless of whether I am on a date. When the tip is placed on a credit card, the wait staff is penalized a small percentage.
- Gentlemen, it is a bonus point if you also tip her valet. Same if there is a coat check.
For more suggestions on a first date, please see:
Advice for first dates
What to wear on a first date
Questions to ask on first date
What impresses women and men
What men and women dislike
The first date kiss
Before you meet your date
- Generally, it is the guy who chooses the restaurant. Ask your date if she has any food allergies or preferences, so you can factor this when picking the restaurant. This shows you are considerate and a thoughtful planner.
- Do not choose a very cheap restaurant such as McDonald's.
- Make dinner reservations and confirm 1-2 days before the date.
- Check out the menu in advance. You can look up foods you are not familiar with, and/or their proper pronunciations. This makes you appear more intelligent during the date.
- Dress properly for the restaurant. Do not wear sneakers to a nice restaurant (although you should not be wearing sneakers on a first date anyway - unless there is a sporting event or activity involved).
- Bring cash in case the restaurant does not accept credit cards. Make sure your credit card works (e.g., you paid the bill so it will not be declined).
- Be on time. Contact your date if you will be late, if even by 5-10 minutes.
At the restaurant, before the meal arrives
- Gentlemen, try to pull out your date's chair and take her coat, if possible.
- Turn off your cell phone, or at least set it to vibrate or silent. If you are expecting a call, let your date know in advance. (This may be useful if you want a rescue call from a friend in case the date does not go well and you need an early escape.) But if you take the call, excuse yourself and step out of the restaurant to talk.
- After sitting down at the table, unfold the napkin and place it on your lap. Do not use it to clean the utensils or plates/dishes, wipe your face, or blow your nose. If you need to leave the table, loosely fold the napkin and place it on the side of the plate (not on the chair).
- Do not position the menu such that your face hides behind it.
- Do not complain about how expensive the food is.
- Do not order an overly excessive amount of food.
- Do not order food that is sloppy (such as spaghetti where the sauce may fly), requires hands to eat (such as crab legs that require cracking), or easily gets stuck in teeth (such as spinach).
- Do not order for your date unless they request.
- Close your menu if you are ready to order (so the wait staff knows). Do not place the menu on your plate.- Be courteous to the wait staff (say "please" and "thank you"). Do not snap your fingers to get their attention. Instead, try to make eye contact or raise your hand slightly when the wait staff is close by.
During the meal
- Do not eat until both parties have their food served.
- If there is more than one set of utensils, start with the outer ones (those furthest away from the plate), and use the inner utensils for later courses.
- If you ordered individual entrées, offer to share your food before you eat or use your utensils. Give your date a sample so they do not have to reach over to your plate.
- If there is a common dish you are sharing, serve your date first using serving utensils, not your personal utensils.
- Do not make faces or sounds at food you do not like.
- Do not drink to the point where you get drunk.
- Place your drink to your right.
- Do not play with your food or utensils.
- Do not wave or point with your utensils.
- Once you use the utensil, rest it on the side of the plate or in a bowl when not in use. Do not put it back on the table.
- Do not put elbows on the table.
- Do not chew or speak with your mouth open.
- Do not slurp soup.
- If you burp, excuse yourself.
- Do not pass gas. Excuse yourself to the bathroom first.
- Do not double dip. Instead, break the bread or food in half so you can dip each half. Or transfer some of the spread/sauce/oil/dip to your own plate to use before spreading/dipping and eating.
- If you suspect there is food in between your teeth, do not pick it out with a toothpick or your finger in front of your date. Instead, place the napkin in front of your mouth as if you are wiping it, then use your tongue to remove the bit of food that is stuck. Excuse yourself to the bathroom if it is difficult to remove.
- Spit food inconspicuously into your napkin if you do not want to swallow it.
- If you cough or sneeze, turn away from the table and food, and cover your mouth. Do not blow your nose at the table.
- Pace your eating to your date's so you are not waiting for a long time after you finish while your date is still eating. They may feel rushed since you are done.
- When you are finished with your meal, placing utensils at 4 o'clock on your plate signifies to the wait staff that you are done. Placing utensils at 4 and 8 o'clock signifies you are still working on the meal.
After the meal
- Generally, the guy pays for the meal. I think it is nice if the woman offers to pay her half. In this case, gentlemen - nicely decline her offer and pay anyway. Ladies - bring money just in case the guy does allow you to pay.
- Do not skimp on tipping or use a coupon. This will make you seem cheap.
- Tip in cash (generally 15-20%). This is something I prefer regardless of whether I am on a date. When the tip is placed on a credit card, the wait staff is penalized a small percentage.
- Gentlemen, it is a bonus point if you also tip her valet. Same if there is a coat check.
For more suggestions on a first date, please see:
Advice for first dates
What to wear on a first date
Questions to ask on first date
What impresses women and men
What men and women dislike
The first date kiss
Monday, February 17, 2014
Cheating
Why do people cheat?
It is difficult to get accurate statistics about the prevalence of cheating since people may not admit to it, even under anonymity. However, it is estimated that at least half of all people have been in a relationship where their partner has cheated in the past, or were cheating in their current relationship. People who cheat typically do not start out intending to do so. It is not usually about sex. Instead, it often starts off as filling a void in the current relationship. But then it inadvertently or unintentionally progresses to something deeper.
What is considered cheating?
Once you have established that you are in a mutually exclusively relationship, most people would consider intimate physical contact with someone else, such as petting or intercourse, cheating. But there are many gray zones:
Once you have established that you are in a mutually exclusively relationship, most people would consider intimate physical contact with someone else, such as petting or intercourse, cheating. But there are many gray zones:
- having romantic feelings or sexual thoughts about someone else
- fantasizing about someone while being intimate with you or masturbating
- hanging out with someone they are attracted towards (either regularly, or on a date-like event such as dinner and dancing)
- kissed someone they are attracted towards, either on the cheek or lips (but only once)
- (body) massage - giving or receiving
- romantic gestures such as sending flowers or giving frequent gifts/one expensive gift
- fantasizing about someone while being intimate with you or masturbating
- hanging out with someone they are attracted towards (either regularly, or on a date-like event such as dinner and dancing)
- kissed someone they are attracted towards, either on the cheek or lips (but only once)
- (body) massage - giving or receiving
- romantic gestures such as sending flowers or giving frequent gifts/one expensive gift
- saying sweet things repeatedly to the same person
- constant flirting (in person, online or sexting)
- staring at someone attractive walking down the street
- looking at porn
- being obsessed with a celebrity and asking your partner to dress up and act like them
- visiting a strip club and/or getting a lap dance (from the same dancer on multiple occasions)
- having a threesome with your partner
- being intimate with someone of the same gender (some guys may actually prefer or not mind if their girlfriends/wives were intimate with another female, especially if they could watch or be an active third party participant)
- Would it matter if your partner knew or was present during any of the above acts?
- Does it matter if the other person was an ex?
- constant flirting (in person, online or sexting)
- staring at someone attractive walking down the street
- looking at porn
- being obsessed with a celebrity and asking your partner to dress up and act like them
- visiting a strip club and/or getting a lap dance (from the same dancer on multiple occasions)
- having a threesome with your partner
- being intimate with someone of the same gender (some guys may actually prefer or not mind if their girlfriends/wives were intimate with another female, especially if they could watch or be an active third party participant)
- Would it matter if your partner knew or was present during any of the above acts?
- Does it matter if the other person was an ex?
- Does it make a difference if you committed the above acts under the influence of alcohol or drugs, when your judgement was poor and you did not have full control of your actions?
Some may not consider the above acts cheating, especially if there is no intention to pursue the romantic feelings or establish a romantic relationship. However, the acts can be considered at least risky behavior or inappropriate in a relationship. It is important to discuss with your partner what is considered inappropriate/cheating. Your partner may have different standards from you. If you and your partner do not establish boundaries, then it is easier for one of you to (inadvertently) cross the "cheating boundary line."
Two questions to help you decide whether an act is inappropriate:
1) Would you still do it if your partner was present or will find out about what you are doing?
2) Would you be fine if your partner did the same thing?
Two questions to help you decide whether an act is inappropriate:
1) Would you still do it if your partner was present or will find out about what you are doing?
2) Would you be fine if your partner did the same thing?
Prevent cheating
There is a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted towards them. You can find someone attractive but not be attracted towards them. It is natural to think someone is attractive. We cannot help that. But trouble can occur when we are attracted towards someone and want to be with them.
There is a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted towards them. You can find someone attractive but not be attracted towards them. It is natural to think someone is attractive. We cannot help that. But trouble can occur when we are attracted towards someone and want to be with them.
The best way to stop cheating is to prevent it from happening in the first place. Be aware of your feelings. If you find yourself attracted towards someone else, do not put yourself in a situation in which something could happen. Do not be in a place alone with them. Limit contact with them. Spend more time with your partner and reconnect with them. Think about why you initially fell for your partner and capitalize on that. Think about the weaknesses in your relationship and work on them.
Think about whether it is better to tell your partner about the feelings you have for someone else. Think about their personality and tendencies. Will your partner appreciate your honesty and trust you more? Or will it only hurt the relationship because they will become jealous, upset, angry, insecure or unforgiving?
Think about whether it is better to tell your partner about the feelings you have for someone else. Think about their personality and tendencies. Will your partner appreciate your honesty and trust you more? Or will it only hurt the relationship because they will become jealous, upset, angry, insecure or unforgiving?
What to do if your partner is cheating
First, deal with your emotions - shock, anger, sadness, scared, betrayed, resentment, and perhaps even jealousy. After you calm down and have a clearer head, decide whether you want to stay in the relationship. No matter which you decide, you will need to confront your partner. If you pretend nothing is wrong in hopes that everything will just work out, you have not changed anything so you will just fester and become more angry and resentful, which will only manifest later.
If you want to stay in the relationship, you will have to re-establish trust... which will be extremely difficult but not impossible. You and your partner have to be completely honest with each other in order to move forward. Your partner has to acknowledge wrongdoing on their part, accept responsibility for what happened, and make efforts to reconnect with you (including cutting contact from the person they were with). You both need to try to understand the reasons your partner strayed as well as the weaknesses in your relationship, so that you both can fix them. Seek counseling, as an objective third party who is experienced in dealing with this area can be a mediator and help you both realize issues and create solutions that you cannot on your own.
If you want to stay in the relationship, you will have to re-establish trust... which will be extremely difficult but not impossible. You and your partner have to be completely honest with each other in order to move forward. Your partner has to acknowledge wrongdoing on their part, accept responsibility for what happened, and make efforts to reconnect with you (including cutting contact from the person they were with). You both need to try to understand the reasons your partner strayed as well as the weaknesses in your relationship, so that you both can fix them. Seek counseling, as an objective third party who is experienced in dealing with this area can be a mediator and help you both realize issues and create solutions that you cannot on your own.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Freezing my eggs: Round 2
January 7, 2014
My menses came today. Coincidentally, I had an appointment to see the doctor at The Center for Human Reproduction to discuss doing a second round of egg freezing. My first round was 12 months ago and I had harvested 18 eggs. I was concerned that the number of eggs would significantly decrease over the course of a year since I am in my mid-30s. My doctor said that Asians tend to have fewer eggs compared to age-matched Caucasians. I guess that explains why a few of my Asian girlfriends in their late 30s only had 4-5 eggs retrieved per cycle. However, my doctor said that she was actually excited that I was doing another egg retrieval because I had such good success last round, and thinks I would likely be productive again. She was correct - she performed a transvaginal ultrasound which revealed 17 egg follicles! She also drew blood and did a pap smear today.
Generally, doctors prefer to start hormone injections during the first few days of a menstrual cycle to start the process of egg freezing. The injections last about 10 days (depending on how the egg follicles are maturing) and the retrieval occurs 36 hours after the last injection. If I started the hormone injections this week, the retrieval date would occur around Jan 24, a day on which I had an unbreakable commitment. Therefore, the doctor decided to start me on birth control pills (Apri) to better control my menstrual cycle and timing of when I will start hormone injections, and therefore, the retrieval date.
I also discussed with my doctor the possibility of fertilizing the eggs with donor sperm. She said that the chances of egg survival are significantly better if the eggs are fertilized prior to freezing. However, I needed to decide soon since there is the process of choosing the donor sperm, testing and preparing the sperm, transporting it from the sperm bank, etc. In the end, I decided not to fertilize the eggs.
Medications
The doctor ordered the following medications from a specialty pharmacy for my egg freezing:
- Apri (bill control pills): controls my menstrual cycle
- Menopur injection: stimulates growth of ovarian follicles
- Bravelle injection: stimulates growth of ovarian follicles
- Ganirelix injection: prevents ovulation
- Lupron injection: stimulates ovulation and decreases estrogen levels
- Doxycycline pills: antibiotics post-retrieval to prevent infection
Financial costs
My insurance does not cover this procedure since it is elective (there is nothing medically wrong with me, per se) so everything will be out-of-pocket.
- Egg freezing (includes medical visits, ultrasounds, labs, retrieval and freezing) = $6000
- Hospital facility fee for operating room and recovery room = $600
- Anesthesia = $500
- Storage of eggs = $830/year
- Medications = $1800 (I had some medications left over from the first round, so I did not need to purchase as many this time. Otherwise, it would have been $3000.)
- If I decide to obtain sperm to fertilize the retrieved eggs, then there would be an additional $4500, and $830/year for storage of the embryos (which is separate from storage of the unfertilized eggs).
The total cost is approximately $11,000 (if I did not have last year's medication) to freeze my eggs, or $16,000 if I fertilize the eggs. In addition, I would have to pay $830 annually to store the eggs, or $1660 annually to store both the unfertilized eggs and embryos.
January 7-19, 2014
I took the birth control pills at 9 pm every night with food since nausea is a relatively common side effect. However, there were times when I did not take the pill with food, and I was not nauseous. I had more severe menstrual cramps and lower back discomfort than usual. Ironically, taking birth control pills should decrease severity of these symptoms. Fortunately, the cramps and lower back discomfort resolved when my menses finished. My boobs got a little bigger on the birth control pills.
January 22, 2014
Three days after stopping the birth control pills, I got another period which was shorter in duration.
January 23, 2014
I had labs and an ultrasound. I found out my pap smear was normal so the injections could begin.
January 24, 2014 (day #1 of injection)
This was the first night of hormone injections which consisted of 1 Menopur and 2 Bravelle's. (See below for schedule of daily medications and detailed instructions for administration.) I was nervous since it has been a year since my last injection, and I needed someone to be with me for moral support. It took about 20 minutes to prepare the injection and administer it, including 5 minutes to mentally prepare for the actual injection. Shortly after the injection, I felt a twinge under the injection site.
January 25, 2014 (day #2 of injection)
I gave myself the Menopur and Bravelle injection tonight without anyone there. It was fine. The first time is the hardest. Afterwards, you know what to expect which makes it easier. I started to "feel" the presence of my ovaries and uterus. I guess the hormone injections are working!
January 26, 2014 (day #3 of injection)
I went for labs and ultrasound - still 17 follicles (10 in one ovary, 7 in the other)! I was in a hurry that night to give the hormone injection since I got home late, and I needed to give myself the injection before 10 pm. I was in such a time constraint that I did not even have time to be nervous about giving myself the injection - I just prepared the syringe and injected!
January 27, 2014 (day #4)
In addition to the evening Menopur and Bravelle, the doctor said I needed to start Ganirelix each morning to prevent premature ovulation since my estrogen levels were very high. My estrogen level was higher than expected even for the hormone injections, and also higher than last year's level when I had hyperstimulation syndrome. After the labs and ultrasound, I gave myself an injection of Ganirelix in the exam room. My head felt very heavy intermittently throughout the day. I did not have a headache, per se. And I felt bloated.
January 28, 2014 (day #5)
The ultrasound showed that a few of egg follicles were 10-12 mm big, but most were 8-10 mm. The doctor said that they prefer the follicles to be 18-20 mm at the time of retrieval. Because my estrogen level was very high, I had another Ganirelix in the morning, and the doctors decreased my hormone injections at night to 1 Menopur and 1 Bravelle. Now it takes about 7 minutes to prepare and administer the injection.
January 29, 2014 (day #6)
My arm is starting to get bruised from the daily blood draws. The phlebotomists have been drawing from the same vein each day. I am impressed that they could reuse the same vein even though it has been used so often and the area is bruised. The nurse recommended putting pressure on the area for two minutes after the blood draw and to put warm compresses on the area at night. I have a little trouble getting up and bending down due to bloating.
January 30, 2014 (day #7)
I continued the regimen of Ganirelix in the morning, and 1 Menopur and 1 Bravelle at night. It takes 4 minutes to prepare and administer the injection now. My boobs are still slightly bigger but starting to feel tender.
January 31, 2014 (day #8)
The doctor showed me a list of my follicles and their sizes. Most of them are between 10-14 mm. Three were 7-9 mm. The doctor thinks the bigger ones will be usable but is unsure about the three smaller ones.
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February 1, 2014 (day #9)
Looking at the ultrasound, the doctor predicts 14 follicles will be usable by retrieval. The follicles are now 13-17 mm in size. The remaining 3 follicles are smaller and will likely not be big enough by retrieval to be used. I feel a little bummed that I cannot maximize the use of all the follicles, but at least 14 eggs is still above average for what women my age harvest (which is about 10 eggs).
February 2, 2014 (day #10)
My estrogen level is high enough such that the doctor wants to retrieve my eggs soon. I gave myself a Ganirelix in the morning, and Lupron at 9 pm so that I would be harvesting 36 hours later. No Menopur or Bravelle needed.
February 3, 2014 (day before retrieval)
My bloating is more severe. I feel the presence of my uterus and ovaries. I can physically feel a bulge on my left side which corresponds to my ovary. Each egg follicle is slightly smaller than an inch, and the left ovary has 10 follicles, so my ovary is very big. I was instructed to take doxycycline (an antibiotic) with dinner, and not to eat or drink anything after midnight. The clinic also recommended that I not wear jewelry (except a wedding band) or contacts (wear glasses instead) to the retrieval. Someone also needs to accompany me to the appointment and take care of me on the day of retrieval.
February 4, 2014 (retrieval day)
Today is the big day! I had my egg retrieval in the morning. I was scheduled for 8 am and asked to arrive an hour early. However, I allotted even more time to get to the clinic in case the roads were bad (from the snowstorm the night before) or there may be an unforeseen accident (my car windshield actually got shattered by snow/ice that fell onto it on the way home -- after the procedure, thank goodness!). I arrived to the clinic at 6:30 am. Once I arrived, the doctor performed an ultrasound to re-examine the follicles one last time before the procedure. I was then taken to the pre-procedure room where I changed into a gown and met the anesthesiologist. In the operating room, I had leads and blood pressure cuff placed for monitoring, and an IV inserted for IV fluid, doxycycline and propofol. I got woozy after getting the anesthesia and quickly fell asleep. No breathing tube was used.
I awoke in the recovery room and my abdomen felt very uncomfortable. The doctor retrieved 17 eggs but I would only know the next day how many are usable, but he estimated 15. I had 18 eggs retrieved last year, and all 18 were good.
Post-discharge instructions
Day of retrieval
- no shower/bath
- no tampons (use maxi pads instead for staining)
- do not go back to work, drive, or drink alcohol
- take doxycycline with dinner
- Tylenol as needed for cramping (but I did not require it). My lower abdomen was sore, and it was difficult getting up and down. It was also uncomfortable when there was increased intra-abdominal pressure during sneezing or coughing. But overall, it was much better than last year. Fortunately, I took today and tomorrow off from work.
Day after retrieval
- can shower/bathe
- can return to work and resume normal activities
- take doxycycline with meals in the morning and night
Days after retrieval
- continue doxycycline with meals in the morning and night until finish bottle (which is 3 more days)
- follow-up appointment with doctor 3 days after retrieval
February 5, 2014 (day after retrieval)
I feel much better physically but am still very bloated. The nurse called and said that 12 of the 17 eggs retrieved were usable. I was a little disappointed and may consider a third round of egg freezing. Twenty eggs results in 1-3 live births and I want to have two children, so I would prefer to have 40 eggs.
However, these two weeks have been taxing, both mentally and physically. Not only does it require getting up earlier each day (including weekends) to get labs and a transvaginal ultrasound before work, but I also had twice daily injections on most days. My friends were there for me during this time, but I still felt somewhat alone and stressed going through this process. I cannot imagine going through IVF, pregnancy and raising a child by myself. I really commend single parents.
Medication schedule
Ganirelix # of Menopur # of Bravelle Other
January 7-19 (pre-injection) No 0 0 birth control pills
January 24-26 (days #1-3 of injection) No 1 2
January 27 (day #4) Yes 1 2
January 28-31 (days #5-8) Yes 1 1
February 1 (day #9) Yes 1 0
February 2 (day #10) Yes 0 0 Lupron
February 3-8 (post-injection/retrieval) No 0 0 Doxycycline
Medication preparation for Menopur and Bravelle
1. Wash your hands and clean the space you will use.
2. Lay out supplies on the table:
- vial(s) of hormone
- one vial of sodium chloride
- sterile syringe and needle (I used a 3 ml syringe with 22 gauge 1.5" needle) or Q-cap
- smaller needle for injection (27 gauge 0.75" needle)
- rubbing alcohol
- gauze
- sharps container
3. Remove vial caps (flick cap upwards with thumb). Wipe vial tops with alcohol.
4. Open syringe package. If using the needle on the syringe, pull back to 1 ml line and uncap the needle. If using Q-cap, twist off capped needle and dispose into sharps container, then twist Q-cap onto syringe and pull back to 1 ml line.
5. Insert the uncapped needle or spiked end of Q-cap into vial of sodium chloride. Push plunger all the way down to transfer air from syringe into vial.
6. Turn vial of sodium chloride and needle/Q-cap upside down and withdraw 1 ml of sodium chloride into the syringe. Remove needle/Q-cap from vial. Flick the syringe or gently tap syringe against a surface to get rid of air bubbles.
7. Insert the needle/Q-cap into vial of hormone. Push plunger all the way down to transfer 1 ml of sodium chloride (and any air) into vial.
8. Gently swirl the vial to mix the sodium chloride with the powdered hormone until the hormone completely dissolves into the clear solution.
9. Turn vial and syringe upside down (or at an incline) and withdraw all the solution (which is still 1 ml) into the syringe.
10. Repeat steps #7-9 for each hormone vial you need to administer.
11. Twist off the needle/Q-cap, and dispose. Open wrapper of smaller needle. Twist smaller needle onto syringe.
Medication injection
1. The injections should be given between 5-10 pm. I try to administer it within the same hour every night.
2. I prefer to use a scrunchie to tie my hair (since my long hair may partly obstruct my view when I look down) and another scrunchie to tie the back of my shirt to hold it up.
3. Clean the injection site with alcohol and allow time to dry. The injection site is the lower abdomen, at the level of the belly button, two inches away from the belly button on either side. I alternate between sides from one injection to the next.
4. Hold syringe with needle pointing towards the ceiling. Withdraw (pull plunger back) slightly and tap syringe so air bubbles rise to the top. Slowly push the plunger up so all air bubbles are pushed out of the syringe and a small drop of solution forms on the needle tip.
5. Hold syringe in one hand. (I prefer putting my index finger on the plunger so I have good control when pushing the plunger down.) Use your thumb and index finger of the other hand to grasp and pull up the skin of the injection site.
6. Hold syringe at a right angle to the skin. (I prefer to take a big breath here.) Insert needle all the way into the skin. Steadily push in all 1 ml of hormone solution. There is pressure as the hormone is being injected, and it can burn a little. (I exhale slowly here and take deep breaths while solution is being injected.)
7. Release skin and withdraw needle straight out. Place gauze over injection site and gently rub. You did it!
8. Recap needle and dispose syringe/needle into sharps container. Discard used vials.
Ganirelix is given in the morning. It is already prepared in the syringe but administered the same way. There is less pressure as the solution is injected but the injection site hurts slightly more afterwards and for a slightly longer time.
My menses came today. Coincidentally, I had an appointment to see the doctor at The Center for Human Reproduction to discuss doing a second round of egg freezing. My first round was 12 months ago and I had harvested 18 eggs. I was concerned that the number of eggs would significantly decrease over the course of a year since I am in my mid-30s. My doctor said that Asians tend to have fewer eggs compared to age-matched Caucasians. I guess that explains why a few of my Asian girlfriends in their late 30s only had 4-5 eggs retrieved per cycle. However, my doctor said that she was actually excited that I was doing another egg retrieval because I had such good success last round, and thinks I would likely be productive again. She was correct - she performed a transvaginal ultrasound which revealed 17 egg follicles! She also drew blood and did a pap smear today.
Generally, doctors prefer to start hormone injections during the first few days of a menstrual cycle to start the process of egg freezing. The injections last about 10 days (depending on how the egg follicles are maturing) and the retrieval occurs 36 hours after the last injection. If I started the hormone injections this week, the retrieval date would occur around Jan 24, a day on which I had an unbreakable commitment. Therefore, the doctor decided to start me on birth control pills (Apri) to better control my menstrual cycle and timing of when I will start hormone injections, and therefore, the retrieval date.
I also discussed with my doctor the possibility of fertilizing the eggs with donor sperm. She said that the chances of egg survival are significantly better if the eggs are fertilized prior to freezing. However, I needed to decide soon since there is the process of choosing the donor sperm, testing and preparing the sperm, transporting it from the sperm bank, etc. In the end, I decided not to fertilize the eggs.
Medications
The doctor ordered the following medications from a specialty pharmacy for my egg freezing:
- Apri (bill control pills): controls my menstrual cycle
- Menopur injection: stimulates growth of ovarian follicles
- Bravelle injection: stimulates growth of ovarian follicles
- Ganirelix injection: prevents ovulation
- Lupron injection: stimulates ovulation and decreases estrogen levels
- Doxycycline pills: antibiotics post-retrieval to prevent infection
Financial costs
My insurance does not cover this procedure since it is elective (there is nothing medically wrong with me, per se) so everything will be out-of-pocket.
- Egg freezing (includes medical visits, ultrasounds, labs, retrieval and freezing) = $6000
- Hospital facility fee for operating room and recovery room = $600
- Anesthesia = $500
- Storage of eggs = $830/year
- Medications = $1800 (I had some medications left over from the first round, so I did not need to purchase as many this time. Otherwise, it would have been $3000.)
- If I decide to obtain sperm to fertilize the retrieved eggs, then there would be an additional $4500, and $830/year for storage of the embryos (which is separate from storage of the unfertilized eggs).
The total cost is approximately $11,000 (if I did not have last year's medication) to freeze my eggs, or $16,000 if I fertilize the eggs. In addition, I would have to pay $830 annually to store the eggs, or $1660 annually to store both the unfertilized eggs and embryos.
January 7-19, 2014 I took the birth control pills at 9 pm every night with food since nausea is a relatively common side effect. However, there were times when I did not take the pill with food, and I was not nauseous. I had more severe menstrual cramps and lower back discomfort than usual. Ironically, taking birth control pills should decrease severity of these symptoms. Fortunately, the cramps and lower back discomfort resolved when my menses finished. My boobs got a little bigger on the birth control pills.
January 22, 2014
Three days after stopping the birth control pills, I got another period which was shorter in duration.
January 23, 2014
I had labs and an ultrasound. I found out my pap smear was normal so the injections could begin.
January 24, 2014 (day #1 of injection)
This was the first night of hormone injections which consisted of 1 Menopur and 2 Bravelle's. (See below for schedule of daily medications and detailed instructions for administration.) I was nervous since it has been a year since my last injection, and I needed someone to be with me for moral support. It took about 20 minutes to prepare the injection and administer it, including 5 minutes to mentally prepare for the actual injection. Shortly after the injection, I felt a twinge under the injection site.
January 25, 2014 (day #2 of injection)
I gave myself the Menopur and Bravelle injection tonight without anyone there. It was fine. The first time is the hardest. Afterwards, you know what to expect which makes it easier. I started to "feel" the presence of my ovaries and uterus. I guess the hormone injections are working!
January 26, 2014 (day #3 of injection)
I went for labs and ultrasound - still 17 follicles (10 in one ovary, 7 in the other)! I was in a hurry that night to give the hormone injection since I got home late, and I needed to give myself the injection before 10 pm. I was in such a time constraint that I did not even have time to be nervous about giving myself the injection - I just prepared the syringe and injected!
January 27, 2014 (day #4)
In addition to the evening Menopur and Bravelle, the doctor said I needed to start Ganirelix each morning to prevent premature ovulation since my estrogen levels were very high. My estrogen level was higher than expected even for the hormone injections, and also higher than last year's level when I had hyperstimulation syndrome. After the labs and ultrasound, I gave myself an injection of Ganirelix in the exam room. My head felt very heavy intermittently throughout the day. I did not have a headache, per se. And I felt bloated.
January 28, 2014 (day #5)
The ultrasound showed that a few of egg follicles were 10-12 mm big, but most were 8-10 mm. The doctor said that they prefer the follicles to be 18-20 mm at the time of retrieval. Because my estrogen level was very high, I had another Ganirelix in the morning, and the doctors decreased my hormone injections at night to 1 Menopur and 1 Bravelle. Now it takes about 7 minutes to prepare and administer the injection.
January 29, 2014 (day #6)
My arm is starting to get bruised from the daily blood draws. The phlebotomists have been drawing from the same vein each day. I am impressed that they could reuse the same vein even though it has been used so often and the area is bruised. The nurse recommended putting pressure on the area for two minutes after the blood draw and to put warm compresses on the area at night. I have a little trouble getting up and bending down due to bloating.
January 30, 2014 (day #7)
I continued the regimen of Ganirelix in the morning, and 1 Menopur and 1 Bravelle at night. It takes 4 minutes to prepare and administer the injection now. My boobs are still slightly bigger but starting to feel tender.
January 31, 2014 (day #8)
The doctor showed me a list of my follicles and their sizes. Most of them are between 10-14 mm. Three were 7-9 mm. The doctor thinks the bigger ones will be usable but is unsure about the three smaller ones.
February 1, 2014 (day #9) Looking at the ultrasound, the doctor predicts 14 follicles will be usable by retrieval. The follicles are now 13-17 mm in size. The remaining 3 follicles are smaller and will likely not be big enough by retrieval to be used. I feel a little bummed that I cannot maximize the use of all the follicles, but at least 14 eggs is still above average for what women my age harvest (which is about 10 eggs).
February 2, 2014 (day #10)
My estrogen level is high enough such that the doctor wants to retrieve my eggs soon. I gave myself a Ganirelix in the morning, and Lupron at 9 pm so that I would be harvesting 36 hours later. No Menopur or Bravelle needed.
February 3, 2014 (day before retrieval)
My bloating is more severe. I feel the presence of my uterus and ovaries. I can physically feel a bulge on my left side which corresponds to my ovary. Each egg follicle is slightly smaller than an inch, and the left ovary has 10 follicles, so my ovary is very big. I was instructed to take doxycycline (an antibiotic) with dinner, and not to eat or drink anything after midnight. The clinic also recommended that I not wear jewelry (except a wedding band) or contacts (wear glasses instead) to the retrieval. Someone also needs to accompany me to the appointment and take care of me on the day of retrieval.
February 4, 2014 (retrieval day)
Today is the big day! I had my egg retrieval in the morning. I was scheduled for 8 am and asked to arrive an hour early. However, I allotted even more time to get to the clinic in case the roads were bad (from the snowstorm the night before) or there may be an unforeseen accident (my car windshield actually got shattered by snow/ice that fell onto it on the way home -- after the procedure, thank goodness!). I arrived to the clinic at 6:30 am. Once I arrived, the doctor performed an ultrasound to re-examine the follicles one last time before the procedure. I was then taken to the pre-procedure room where I changed into a gown and met the anesthesiologist. In the operating room, I had leads and blood pressure cuff placed for monitoring, and an IV inserted for IV fluid, doxycycline and propofol. I got woozy after getting the anesthesia and quickly fell asleep. No breathing tube was used.
I awoke in the recovery room and my abdomen felt very uncomfortable. The doctor retrieved 17 eggs but I would only know the next day how many are usable, but he estimated 15. I had 18 eggs retrieved last year, and all 18 were good.
Post-discharge instructions
Day of retrieval
- no shower/bath
- no tampons (use maxi pads instead for staining)
- do not go back to work, drive, or drink alcohol
- take doxycycline with dinner
- Tylenol as needed for cramping (but I did not require it). My lower abdomen was sore, and it was difficult getting up and down. It was also uncomfortable when there was increased intra-abdominal pressure during sneezing or coughing. But overall, it was much better than last year. Fortunately, I took today and tomorrow off from work.
Day after retrieval
- can shower/bathe
- can return to work and resume normal activities
- take doxycycline with meals in the morning and night
Days after retrieval
- continue doxycycline with meals in the morning and night until finish bottle (which is 3 more days)
- follow-up appointment with doctor 3 days after retrieval
February 5, 2014 (day after retrieval)
I feel much better physically but am still very bloated. The nurse called and said that 12 of the 17 eggs retrieved were usable. I was a little disappointed and may consider a third round of egg freezing. Twenty eggs results in 1-3 live births and I want to have two children, so I would prefer to have 40 eggs.
However, these two weeks have been taxing, both mentally and physically. Not only does it require getting up earlier each day (including weekends) to get labs and a transvaginal ultrasound before work, but I also had twice daily injections on most days. My friends were there for me during this time, but I still felt somewhat alone and stressed going through this process. I cannot imagine going through IVF, pregnancy and raising a child by myself. I really commend single parents.
Medication schedule
Ganirelix # of Menopur # of Bravelle Other
January 7-19 (pre-injection) No 0 0 birth control pills
January 24-26 (days #1-3 of injection) No 1 2
January 27 (day #4) Yes 1 2
January 28-31 (days #5-8) Yes 1 1
February 1 (day #9) Yes 1 0
February 2 (day #10) Yes 0 0 Lupron
February 3-8 (post-injection/retrieval) No 0 0 Doxycycline
Medication preparation for Menopur and Bravelle
1. Wash your hands and clean the space you will use.
2. Lay out supplies on the table:
- vial(s) of hormone
- one vial of sodium chloride
- sterile syringe and needle (I used a 3 ml syringe with 22 gauge 1.5" needle) or Q-cap
- smaller needle for injection (27 gauge 0.75" needle)
- rubbing alcohol
- gauze
- sharps container
3. Remove vial caps (flick cap upwards with thumb). Wipe vial tops with alcohol.
4. Open syringe package. If using the needle on the syringe, pull back to 1 ml line and uncap the needle. If using Q-cap, twist off capped needle and dispose into sharps container, then twist Q-cap onto syringe and pull back to 1 ml line.
5. Insert the uncapped needle or spiked end of Q-cap into vial of sodium chloride. Push plunger all the way down to transfer air from syringe into vial.
6. Turn vial of sodium chloride and needle/Q-cap upside down and withdraw 1 ml of sodium chloride into the syringe. Remove needle/Q-cap from vial. Flick the syringe or gently tap syringe against a surface to get rid of air bubbles.
7. Insert the needle/Q-cap into vial of hormone. Push plunger all the way down to transfer 1 ml of sodium chloride (and any air) into vial.
8. Gently swirl the vial to mix the sodium chloride with the powdered hormone until the hormone completely dissolves into the clear solution.
9. Turn vial and syringe upside down (or at an incline) and withdraw all the solution (which is still 1 ml) into the syringe.
10. Repeat steps #7-9 for each hormone vial you need to administer.
11. Twist off the needle/Q-cap, and dispose. Open wrapper of smaller needle. Twist smaller needle onto syringe.
Medication injection
1. The injections should be given between 5-10 pm. I try to administer it within the same hour every night.
2. I prefer to use a scrunchie to tie my hair (since my long hair may partly obstruct my view when I look down) and another scrunchie to tie the back of my shirt to hold it up.
3. Clean the injection site with alcohol and allow time to dry. The injection site is the lower abdomen, at the level of the belly button, two inches away from the belly button on either side. I alternate between sides from one injection to the next.
4. Hold syringe with needle pointing towards the ceiling. Withdraw (pull plunger back) slightly and tap syringe so air bubbles rise to the top. Slowly push the plunger up so all air bubbles are pushed out of the syringe and a small drop of solution forms on the needle tip.
5. Hold syringe in one hand. (I prefer putting my index finger on the plunger so I have good control when pushing the plunger down.) Use your thumb and index finger of the other hand to grasp and pull up the skin of the injection site.
6. Hold syringe at a right angle to the skin. (I prefer to take a big breath here.) Insert needle all the way into the skin. Steadily push in all 1 ml of hormone solution. There is pressure as the hormone is being injected, and it can burn a little. (I exhale slowly here and take deep breaths while solution is being injected.)
7. Release skin and withdraw needle straight out. Place gauze over injection site and gently rub. You did it!
8. Recap needle and dispose syringe/needle into sharps container. Discard used vials.
Ganirelix is given in the morning. It is already prepared in the syringe but administered the same way. There is less pressure as the solution is injected but the injection site hurts slightly more afterwards and for a slightly longer time.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Attracting Mr. Wrong
One of my friends asked me to write about how to stop attracting the wrong type of guy. There are a few aspects to consider...
Do you know what type of guy you want?
The first step is to know what type of man you want. Some women have trouble with this. Or they think they know, but really do not. They may date different types of men. Or if they date only one type of guy, that type may not actually be a good fit for them. For example, a woman who likes to date "bad boys" may be disappointed or frustrated that he does not pay her enough attention, does not treat her well, or is not willing to commit. It is important to differentiate between what you want and what you need.
Some women do not know what type of man they want because they may not know what they want in general. Without knowing who they really are themselves, what they want for themselves, or what their life goals are, it is difficult to know what they want/need in a partner. Therefore, it is important to focus on you and your goals first. Your goals will depend on your age, stage of life, interests, values, personality, job/financial status, religion, whether you want children, where you want to live, etc. Your partner should be able to fit into your goals. And since your goals may change over time, the type of man you seek may also change as you get older.
Are you doing something to keep attracting Mr. Wrong?
Think about the impression you give. For example:
How do you dress?
If you frequently wear short, tight clothes, do not wonder why sleazy men ask you out.
Where do you hang out?
If you keep spending time at the library, you may only be meeting bookworms.
Are you portraying yourself accurately (either in person or on online dating profiles)?
If you say you like sports, do not be surprised that you attract athletic men or guys who like to talk/watch/play sports with you.
Do you flirt with men who are not your type?
If so, Mr. Wrong may think he's your Mr. Right.
If Mr. Wrong asks you out, do you say "yes" anyway?
You may do your best not to attract Mr. Wrong, but he may find you appealing regardless. However, you can always stop yourself from dating him. Please see my post on How to reject someone.
Time will tell
Very few people instantly know when they have met Mr. Right. The vast majority of the time, we date someone who has some potential to be Mr. Right. Sometimes the guy may even say/do things to give you the impression that they are more perfect than they really are, especially at the beginning of a relationship during the "good behavior" or "honeymoon" phase. Time will reveal whether he is truly Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong - sometimes in a matter of a few dates, and sometimes in a few years. Pay close attention to the things he says and does - Are they consistent over time? Do his words and actions match the type of guy you want? Dating means taking a gamble, and investing time and emotion to form and cultivate a relationship in order to learn whether you and your partner are compatible. But once you know that he is not right for you (and you have unsuccessfully tried to work it out), respect both his and your time by letting him go.
Do you know what type of guy you want?
The first step is to know what type of man you want. Some women have trouble with this. Or they think they know, but really do not. They may date different types of men. Or if they date only one type of guy, that type may not actually be a good fit for them. For example, a woman who likes to date "bad boys" may be disappointed or frustrated that he does not pay her enough attention, does not treat her well, or is not willing to commit. It is important to differentiate between what you want and what you need.
Some women do not know what type of man they want because they may not know what they want in general. Without knowing who they really are themselves, what they want for themselves, or what their life goals are, it is difficult to know what they want/need in a partner. Therefore, it is important to focus on you and your goals first. Your goals will depend on your age, stage of life, interests, values, personality, job/financial status, religion, whether you want children, where you want to live, etc. Your partner should be able to fit into your goals. And since your goals may change over time, the type of man you seek may also change as you get older.
Are you doing something to keep attracting Mr. Wrong?
Think about the impression you give. For example:
How do you dress?
If you frequently wear short, tight clothes, do not wonder why sleazy men ask you out.
Where do you hang out?
If you keep spending time at the library, you may only be meeting bookworms.
Are you portraying yourself accurately (either in person or on online dating profiles)?
If you say you like sports, do not be surprised that you attract athletic men or guys who like to talk/watch/play sports with you.
Do you flirt with men who are not your type?
If so, Mr. Wrong may think he's your Mr. Right.
If Mr. Wrong asks you out, do you say "yes" anyway?
You may do your best not to attract Mr. Wrong, but he may find you appealing regardless. However, you can always stop yourself from dating him. Please see my post on How to reject someone.
 |
| Penelope (a black cat with a white stripe) running away from Pepe Le Pew's (a skunk) romantic intentions |
Time will tell
Very few people instantly know when they have met Mr. Right. The vast majority of the time, we date someone who has some potential to be Mr. Right. Sometimes the guy may even say/do things to give you the impression that they are more perfect than they really are, especially at the beginning of a relationship during the "good behavior" or "honeymoon" phase. Time will reveal whether he is truly Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong - sometimes in a matter of a few dates, and sometimes in a few years. Pay close attention to the things he says and does - Are they consistent over time? Do his words and actions match the type of guy you want? Dating means taking a gamble, and investing time and emotion to form and cultivate a relationship in order to learn whether you and your partner are compatible. But once you know that he is not right for you (and you have unsuccessfully tried to work it out), respect both his and your time by letting him go.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
What men and women dislike about the other
No relationship nor partner will be perfect. There will inevitably be something that bothers you. However, there are some qualities that men and women frequently dislike about the other.
Qualities men often dislike about women:
Nags
Qualities men often dislike about women:
Nags
Tells him what to do all the time
Tries to change him
Compares him to past boyfriends
Compares him to past boyfriends
Frequently blames or criticizes him
Takes too long to get ready
Takes a long time to shop or try on clothes
Moody/cranky
Takes too long to get ready
Takes a long time to shop or try on clothes
Moody/cranky
Catty
Inflexible
Close-minded
Picky or small eater
Needy or clingy
Picky or small eater
Needy or clingy
Overly sensitive
Gold digger, expects him to always pay
Qualities women often dislike about men:
Emotionally closed
Selfish or inconsiderate
All talk, no action
ArrogantCannot commit
Checks out other women
Incompetent
Poor conversationalist (in person or over phone)
Poor listener
Messy or dirty
Body odor
Messy or dirty
Body odor
Please see my posts on What impresses women and men, Conflict resolution, and Tips for communication.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Conflict resolution
There will inevitably be conflicts in every long-term relationship. Expect them. What is important is how you handle them. You have the choice of being proactive and working it out with your partner, or keeping quiet and hope things resolve on their own (but this will less likely happen).
We are storytellers
When to complain
2. Avoid "absolute" words (always, never) or negative words/phrases (stupid, bad, worst, hate, I don't like). Instead, substitute with softer words/phrases (usually, rarely, suboptimal, less than perfect, not my favorite, less preferable, room for improvement, I prefer x over y). Or use "not" in front of the opposite meaning (stupid = not the smartest, bad = not great/good, worst = not the best).
3. Do not label your significant other. (You are a dumb jerk.) That one bad habit they have may be dumb but it does not make them a dumb person.
4. Start with "I" to express negative feelings and avoid accusing. Instead of, You make me feel dumb when you correct my grammar in front of friends, say, I feel dumb when you correct my grammar in front of friends. Or state from an "objective" standpoint. I feel dumb when my grammar is corrected in front of friends. Then add, I know that is not your intention. Could you please not correct my grammar, at least not in front of friends?
5. Mention something positive relevant to the issue. (This discussion made me feel closer to you since it proved I can openly talk to you about how I feel.)
6. Help your partner save face. Make the issue seem easy to correct or the change easy to make.
7. Acknowledge any improvement your significant other may have already made in their bad habit/behavior.
How to handle being criticized
If you are on the receiving end of the criticism/complaint, avoid the natural reaction to be defensive or emotional. Do not ignore/deny the criticism or excuse your behavior. Instead, ask for details behind the criticism (who, what, when, where, why, how), and for specific examples of the "problem" behavior. Explain your reasons, thoughts, and/or feelings. Agree with the things your partner stated that were true and reiterate those points. (You're right that I usually don't take out the garbage.) But do not put yourself down or label yourself. (I am selfish.) Just because there is one thing that your partner does not like (she finds your picking your nose in front of her annoying) does not mean it generalizes to you as a person (you are an annoying person).
Think of your motive - to win/be right or for the relationship to work? If you agree to change, then state specifically what you will do differently. If you do not want to change, then agree with parts of your partner's complaint that you think are true. If there is nothing you agree with, at a minimum, you can agree that your significant other has the right to their opinion. Disagree with what you think is inaccurate, and provide proof or examples.
Please see my other post for more Tips for communication.
We are storytellers
Some conflicts arise from seeing or hearing something "suspicious." We then invent stories, or add meaning or motive, to
explain what happened. These made up stories may or may not be accurate, but we develop emotions and form judgement based on our
perception of what happened. Finally, we act upon these
perceptions, usually
when we are in an emotional state. For example, you see your
boyfriend's credit card receipt from a florist but he has not recently
bought you flowers (the suspicious act). So you figure he must be seeing another woman (your invented story).
You become angry (your emotion) and go through his apt, computer and phone to see if
you can find more evidence of an affair (acting upon emotion). Shortly afterwards, he comes
home to find his apt trashed and you start frantically accusing him of
cheating.
In such situations, it is best to be objective and not emotional. Think of the facts and ask yourself:
In such situations, it is best to be objective and not emotional. Think of the facts and ask yourself:
What other explanations can there be?
Why would a reasonable person do this?
What objective evidence is there to support my story?
Why would a reasonable person do this?
What objective evidence is there to support my story?
When to complain
If there is an issue, it is best to talk about it with your
partner. This does not mean to
complain about everything that bothers you. Complaining
should serve a purpose: 1) you are upset and need to vent, or 2) it is an
attempt to make a change for the better.
If there is something you dislike or are upset about, think about whether you need to actually confront the other person:
Is it your problem or theirs? It is your problem if your needs are not being met.
Does it bother or affect you to the point that you need to intervene?
Is the issue worth confronting them?
You may not always be able change other people, but you can change yourself. You can change your perceptions, emotions, actions and habits. Once you decide that the problem extends beyond you or what you can do, requires a change or input from your partner, and/or is a problem worth discussing, have the talk with your partner early so your emotions will not fester and blow up later. Think about what you would like to say, and how you would phrase it. Imagine possible reactions and responses your significant other may have, and how you would handle each scenario.
Having the discussion
Some people are brutally blunt and may use the excuse that they are just being honest if they hurt someone's feelings. But one is not restricted to being honest and attacking, or being kind and withholding. There is usually a way to be honest yet respectful.
If there is something you dislike or are upset about, think about whether you need to actually confront the other person:
Is it your problem or theirs? It is your problem if your needs are not being met.
Does it bother or affect you to the point that you need to intervene?
Is the issue worth confronting them?
You may not always be able change other people, but you can change yourself. You can change your perceptions, emotions, actions and habits. Once you decide that the problem extends beyond you or what you can do, requires a change or input from your partner, and/or is a problem worth discussing, have the talk with your partner early so your emotions will not fester and blow up later. Think about what you would like to say, and how you would phrase it. Imagine possible reactions and responses your significant other may have, and how you would handle each scenario.
Having the discussion
Some people are brutally blunt and may use the excuse that they are just being honest if they hurt someone's feelings. But one is not restricted to being honest and attacking, or being kind and withholding. There is usually a way to be honest yet respectful.
During
your conversation, focus on the issue and motive. Think about what you
really want for yourself, your partner, and the relationship. Clarify what you want and do
not want. Perhaps
you want your partner to change something about themselves, or just to
have your opinion heard. If the
conversation gets heated and digresses from these objectives, refocus
and steer the conversation back.
The tone of the conversation should be relaxed yet firm. If you are addressing a complaint or issue, first state the
facts since one cannot argue with the facts. Do not give opinions. (I found your credit card receipt from the florist). Then explain your side/story so they see why you are upset (I thought you may be having an affair because that is how my friend found out her husband was cheating on her). Then ask for your partner's explanation and feelings (My friend's mother passed away so I was sending flowers to the funeral).
If you are addressing a behavior, first describe the behavior objectively in detail. (You leave dirty dishes in the sink without washing them for weeks.) Give examples of recent instances. (That happened the last three times your friends came over to watch a football game.) Next, state the consequence of that behavior. (When the sink is full, it is difficult to use it and cook.) Then describe your feelings about that behavior and its consequence. (That makes me frustrated.) Avoid mentioning your partner's character or personality. Lastly, pause to hear their response.
Make the discussion "safe"
Actively listen to what your significant other has to say. Do not just hear what you want. Clarify information if needed. Genuinely try to understand them and the message they are telling you. Focus on their content of speech, emotions, tone of voice, and body language. Do not interrupt, attack, or be judgmental. If your partner feels disrespected, attacked or humiliated, they will become defensive or upset, and act on those emotions. Look for signs of these in their tone of voice and body language. If you see such signs, do not respond by getting defensive or emotional. Instead, make your significant other feel safe that they can freely share their thoughts without any negative consequence.
Make the discussion safe by:
1. Reminding your partner of your goal - you are trying to help them, or attempting to work out a solution for your differences.
2. Encouraging your significant other to talk about the (real) reason they are upset. Paraphrase (not parrot) their response and confirm that it is correct (so you truly hear and understand them). If they are silent, state your hypotheses as to why you think they are upset.
3. Apologizing when appropriate - but do not constantly apologize. (I didn't mean to offend you. I just wanted to be honest and talk to you about the issue so we can work it out. Our relationship is important to me.)
The solution/compromise
After you hear your partner's response, it is time to work on the solution or compromise. You may or may not have a solution ready to propose, but talking about it with your significant other may help the two of you arise at other potential solutions together. A solution that is formulated together will likely work out better than one that you or your partner thought of alone.
If your partner agrees to make a change, work out a fair solution and decide on specifics - who does what by when, and when/how to follow-up on the progress. (See my posts on Advice for relationships and Can people change?) If your significant other does not want to change, ask for one specific small change or small changes over time, since they are more likely to agree to that. If you end up disagreeing, find one thing to agree on and build on that. At a minimal, you can agree to disagree.
If you are addressing a behavior, first describe the behavior objectively in detail. (You leave dirty dishes in the sink without washing them for weeks.) Give examples of recent instances. (That happened the last three times your friends came over to watch a football game.) Next, state the consequence of that behavior. (When the sink is full, it is difficult to use it and cook.) Then describe your feelings about that behavior and its consequence. (That makes me frustrated.) Avoid mentioning your partner's character or personality. Lastly, pause to hear their response.
Make the discussion "safe"
Actively listen to what your significant other has to say. Do not just hear what you want. Clarify information if needed. Genuinely try to understand them and the message they are telling you. Focus on their content of speech, emotions, tone of voice, and body language. Do not interrupt, attack, or be judgmental. If your partner feels disrespected, attacked or humiliated, they will become defensive or upset, and act on those emotions. Look for signs of these in their tone of voice and body language. If you see such signs, do not respond by getting defensive or emotional. Instead, make your significant other feel safe that they can freely share their thoughts without any negative consequence.
Make the discussion safe by:
1. Reminding your partner of your goal - you are trying to help them, or attempting to work out a solution for your differences.
2. Encouraging your significant other to talk about the (real) reason they are upset. Paraphrase (not parrot) their response and confirm that it is correct (so you truly hear and understand them). If they are silent, state your hypotheses as to why you think they are upset.
3. Apologizing when appropriate - but do not constantly apologize. (I didn't mean to offend you. I just wanted to be honest and talk to you about the issue so we can work it out. Our relationship is important to me.)
The solution/compromise
After you hear your partner's response, it is time to work on the solution or compromise. You may or may not have a solution ready to propose, but talking about it with your significant other may help the two of you arise at other potential solutions together. A solution that is formulated together will likely work out better than one that you or your partner thought of alone.
If your partner agrees to make a change, work out a fair solution and decide on specifics - who does what by when, and when/how to follow-up on the progress. (See my posts on Advice for relationships and Can people change?) If your significant other does not want to change, ask for one specific small change or small changes over time, since they are more likely to agree to that. If you end up disagreeing, find one thing to agree on and build on that. At a minimal, you can agree to disagree.
Ways to soften the criticism
1. Mention your own mistakes before criticizing your significant other.2. Avoid "absolute" words (always, never) or negative words/phrases (stupid, bad, worst, hate, I don't like). Instead, substitute with softer words/phrases (usually, rarely, suboptimal, less than perfect, not my favorite, less preferable, room for improvement, I prefer x over y). Or use "not" in front of the opposite meaning (stupid = not the smartest, bad = not great/good, worst = not the best).
3. Do not label your significant other. (You are a dumb jerk.) That one bad habit they have may be dumb but it does not make them a dumb person.
4. Start with "I" to express negative feelings and avoid accusing. Instead of, You make me feel dumb when you correct my grammar in front of friends, say, I feel dumb when you correct my grammar in front of friends. Or state from an "objective" standpoint. I feel dumb when my grammar is corrected in front of friends. Then add, I know that is not your intention. Could you please not correct my grammar, at least not in front of friends?
5. Mention something positive relevant to the issue. (This discussion made me feel closer to you since it proved I can openly talk to you about how I feel.)
6. Help your partner save face. Make the issue seem easy to correct or the change easy to make.
7. Acknowledge any improvement your significant other may have already made in their bad habit/behavior.
How to handle being criticized
If you are on the receiving end of the criticism/complaint, avoid the natural reaction to be defensive or emotional. Do not ignore/deny the criticism or excuse your behavior. Instead, ask for details behind the criticism (who, what, when, where, why, how), and for specific examples of the "problem" behavior. Explain your reasons, thoughts, and/or feelings. Agree with the things your partner stated that were true and reiterate those points. (You're right that I usually don't take out the garbage.) But do not put yourself down or label yourself. (I am selfish.) Just because there is one thing that your partner does not like (she finds your picking your nose in front of her annoying) does not mean it generalizes to you as a person (you are an annoying person).
Think of your motive - to win/be right or for the relationship to work? If you agree to change, then state specifically what you will do differently. If you do not want to change, then agree with parts of your partner's complaint that you think are true. If there is nothing you agree with, at a minimum, you can agree that your significant other has the right to their opinion. Disagree with what you think is inaccurate, and provide proof or examples.
Please see my other post for more Tips for communication.
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