Be clear
1. Readback feedback
In situations where it is important that you hear or understand your partner correctly (such as discussions involving plans or division of labor, requests to do something, or your partner is expressing negative feelings), paraphrase what your partner tells you. Paraphrasing confirms you are both on the same page so there will be no misunderstanding.
An example where this would have been useful is an instance where I had told my partner to meet me at 42nd St subway station. But he thought I said 47th street (the two numbers do sound similar). We got into an argument over what was actually said since we both waited an hour for the other person (our phones did not work underground). This could have been easily avoided if I just asked him to confirm where we were meeting.
2. Be careful about using pronouns. Use the actual nouns the pronouns refer to instead. For example, if you say, I don't like it, be specific about what "it" is. Your partner may mistaken "it" for something else.
3. Be specific. Your partner is not a mind reader. We are all guilty of having bickered due to a misunderstanding from omitting details or assuming our significant other knew what we were thinking.
Guy: Sweetheart, I got the eggs you asked for.
Girl: These are large eggs. I wanted jumbo.
Guy: You didn't tell me that. You just said to buy a dozen eggs.
Girl: You should know! Jumbo is the only size of eggs we ever have in the frig.
Guy: You are the one in charge of buying groceries and cooking. I can't tell the size of the egg when it is cooked!
Girl: You never notice anything!
4. Explain your thought process
Describe your thought process or reasoning before making your concluding statement or asking your question. Your partner will then understand you better and not jump to conclusions. For example, my friend's girlfriend got mad when he asked if he could start calling her his "girlfriend" after dating for a month. She was upset because she had already assumed she was his girlfriend. Her anger could have been prevented if he had started the conversation with, Some people do not consider themselves boyfriend-girlfriend until a certain amount of time into their relationship or after a certain milestone. Everyone has different preferences, so I want to be respectful and would like to know if it is ok that I start calling you my girlfriend.
5. Write things down
Sometimes it is helpful to write things down to be clear or as a reminder.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - Sir Walter Scott
Do
not lie. It will only lead to more lies to cover up the first one.
You will also feel the burden of having to remember what you lied
about. However, you do not have to always confess the entire truth if
the details are minor. For example, your girlfriend asks the dreaded
question, Does this dress make me look fat? Even though you think it does, you can reply, I think the dress you had on last week is more flattering because the cut emphasized your figure better. This
response leads to the outcome you want (her not wearing the dress she
currently has on), yet avoids lying or hurting her feelings, and
sprinkles a little praise.Some of my friends have a completely open and honest relationship with their significant other. And other friends prefer telling white lies to avoid hurting their partner's feelings. I understand the latter perspective, but personally, I am a proponent of being completely honest. I try to be honest without being hurtful. I think my partner would appreciate the truth, especially if they know my intention is good (i.e., to be open and honest) and I tell them the truth tactfully without attacking, disrespecting, or ridiculing them.
As an example, your girlfriend asks you, What do you think of my cooking? Even though you do not enjoy her cooking, telling her you like it may be more harmful over the long-term. You have to endure her cooking each time, and she may cook more often because she thinks you enjoy her food. Instead of saying, I don't like your cooking, you can say, Thank you for all the work and effort you put into cooking. I like the x dishes that you make (name one or two). But for the y dish, it would be even better if but you just add a little more sauce.
Complain without complaining
1. Focus on the positive
One way to make a change without complaining (since it is negative reinforcement), is to praise your partner immediately after they do something you like (positive reinforcement). Or if your partner has not done what you want yet, tell them what you would like (do not mention what you dislike). And your partner will want to start doing it, and/or do it more often. For example, you think your boyfriend uses too much pressure during massages. Instead of complaining that he is hurting you, tell him, I like it when you massage me, especially when you use light pressure. This gets your point across without hurting his feelings or seem like you are complaining.
2. Give your partner a reputation to live up to
When you declare that your partner is great at something (you should be honest about this!), they will want to perpetuate that reputation. For example, You are great at keeping the lawn beautiful. But I've been noticing some weeds lately. Would you mind taking care of that?
3. Act cool when you "complain"
You may merely be stating an observation but it may come across as a complaint. For example, I am hungry and there is no food in the refrigerator. So be careful about your tone of voice and body language. If you appear angry, it will seem like a complaint. If you appear cool and calm, it will seem like an observation instead. Follow your statement with your thought process that led to the statement, or by saying a change you will make/want made. It will help your partner understand why you feel the way you do, and makes you seem like a problem solver. It will also make your statement seem more of an observation and less of a complaint. For example, you can follow the prior "hungry statement" with, I am going out to buy some food. Do you want me to bring back anything for you?
4. The feedback sandwich
5. Ask questions instead of giving orders
Forming your idea or request as a question will plant the seed for your partner to do it. For example, instead of telling your partner to switch cell phone providers to the cheaper one you found, ask, I found cell phone provider A is cheaper than B. Do you think it would be a good idea to switch?
6. Point out your partner's mistake indirectly
Instead of telling your significant other that they did something wrong, state what is wrong without mentioning your partner was the cause. For example, instead of saying, You forgot to clean up the water off the kitchen floor so I slipped, you can say, There was water on the kitchen floor that was not cleaned up and I slipped. The latter statement is less accusatory yet conveys the same information.
7. Use positive words/phrases
Positive phrases such as "even better" or "this is good already but it would be great if" make it seem that something is already wonderful, but there is still room for improvement.
Using "I want to be respectful of your..." conveys the impression that you are thinking of the other person's best interest (hopefully, this is true!). For example, your colleague has a dentist appointment soon but is in a talkative mood and you wish they would leave so you can do some work. You can interrupt by saying, I enjoy chatting with you but want to be respectful of your time. Didn't you say you have an appointment you need to get to?
Please see my post on Conflict resolution.
Nonverbal communication
Communication
is not restricted to just the content of speech (i.e., words
used). Tone of voice and body language are other ways of
communicating. What a person says may not be what they mean or
really want. Of these three factors, body language is the most
indicative of what a person really wants, followed by tone of voice, and
content is the least important. For example, the
word, "please" can be spoken in various ways/tones to express a
different connotation: "please" in being polite during a request,
"pleeeeeease" while pleading for a favor, or "puh-LEASE" in sarcasm or
disgust. Be aware of your (and your partner's) emotions and tone of voice. Make sure the content of
your words match your tone of voice and body language.1. Focus on the positive
One way to make a change without complaining (since it is negative reinforcement), is to praise your partner immediately after they do something you like (positive reinforcement). Or if your partner has not done what you want yet, tell them what you would like (do not mention what you dislike). And your partner will want to start doing it, and/or do it more often. For example, you think your boyfriend uses too much pressure during massages. Instead of complaining that he is hurting you, tell him, I like it when you massage me, especially when you use light pressure. This gets your point across without hurting his feelings or seem like you are complaining.
2. Give your partner a reputation to live up to
When you declare that your partner is great at something (you should be honest about this!), they will want to perpetuate that reputation. For example, You are great at keeping the lawn beautiful. But I've been noticing some weeds lately. Would you mind taking care of that?
3. Act cool when you "complain"
You may merely be stating an observation but it may come across as a complaint. For example, I am hungry and there is no food in the refrigerator. So be careful about your tone of voice and body language. If you appear angry, it will seem like a complaint. If you appear cool and calm, it will seem like an observation instead. Follow your statement with your thought process that led to the statement, or by saying a change you will make/want made. It will help your partner understand why you feel the way you do, and makes you seem like a problem solver. It will also make your statement seem more of an observation and less of a complaint. For example, you can follow the prior "hungry statement" with, I am going out to buy some food. Do you want me to bring back anything for you?
4. The feedback sandwich
First
praise the person, follow with the criticism, and end with another
praise. This method helps lessen the blow of the criticism. If done
well, the other person may not even know you criticized them. You are a very good public speaker. What would make you
even better would be if you spoke a little more slowly. This way,
people can fully hear you and appreciate the great points you are making.
5. Ask questions instead of giving orders
Forming your idea or request as a question will plant the seed for your partner to do it. For example, instead of telling your partner to switch cell phone providers to the cheaper one you found, ask, I found cell phone provider A is cheaper than B. Do you think it would be a good idea to switch?
6. Point out your partner's mistake indirectly
Instead of telling your significant other that they did something wrong, state what is wrong without mentioning your partner was the cause. For example, instead of saying, You forgot to clean up the water off the kitchen floor so I slipped, you can say, There was water on the kitchen floor that was not cleaned up and I slipped. The latter statement is less accusatory yet conveys the same information.
7. Use positive words/phrases
Positive phrases such as "even better" or "this is good already but it would be great if" make it seem that something is already wonderful, but there is still room for improvement.
Using "I want to be respectful of your..." conveys the impression that you are thinking of the other person's best interest (hopefully, this is true!). For example, your colleague has a dentist appointment soon but is in a talkative mood and you wish they would leave so you can do some work. You can interrupt by saying, I enjoy chatting with you but want to be respectful of your time. Didn't you say you have an appointment you need to get to?
Please see my post on Conflict resolution.
Nonverbal communication
Your partner
1. Actively listen to your partner and hear what they are trying to tell you. Be genuinely interested in what they say/do. See things from their perspective.
2. Praise and appreciate the things your significant other does. Everyone craves acknowledgement. Make them feel important, and do it sincerely.
3. Say your partner's name when you talk to them. We are narcissistic creatures and like the sound of our names.
4. If you want your partner to talk more, encourage them to talk about themselves or topics they are interested in. Use open-ended questions:
How...?
What...?
Why...?
What are your thoughts?
I value your opinion and am interested to hear your thoughts on this matter.
5. You two are on the same team. So their problems are yours too. Encourage your significant other to talk about anything that bothers them. Treat it as importantly as if it was your own. And tackle the problem together.
1. Actively listen to your partner and hear what they are trying to tell you. Be genuinely interested in what they say/do. See things from their perspective.
2. Praise and appreciate the things your significant other does. Everyone craves acknowledgement. Make them feel important, and do it sincerely.
3. Say your partner's name when you talk to them. We are narcissistic creatures and like the sound of our names.
4. If you want your partner to talk more, encourage them to talk about themselves or topics they are interested in. Use open-ended questions:
How...?
What...?
Why...?
What are your thoughts?
I value your opinion and am interested to hear your thoughts on this matter.
5. You two are on the same team. So their problems are yours too. Encourage your significant other to talk about anything that bothers them. Treat it as importantly as if it was your own. And tackle the problem together.
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