Although I have not had many long-term relationships, I have learned from them, and hope to take these lessons with me to future relationships.
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
Communication is instrumental to any successful relationship. Your partner is not a mind reader. Do not assume they know exactly what you are thinking or want. A lot of disagreements arise due to poor communication. Therefore, it is important to clearly communicate your thoughts and feelings. Please see my post on Tips for communication.
Compromise
Every couple have differences and arguments. In those instances, think about what your goal is - to win/be right or to have a good relationship? This does not mean to always give in, but to listen to each other, objectively evaluate the situation, and not act on emotions. You want your partner to feel comfortable that they can share anything with you without being disrespected, attacked, or instantly proven wrong. Try to understand from the other person's perspective, and explain your own thoughts and feelings. Be calm and respectful during the discussion. Do not bring up irrelevant issues or past events. Work out something that is fair and ideally benefits both of you, or at least a situation where it is not only one person who makes all the sacrifice. When one person wins, both partners in the relationship actually lose.
Compromise but don't compromise who you are
Every couple have differences and arguments. In those instances, think about what your goal is - to win/be right or to have a good relationship? This does not mean to always give in, but to listen to each other, objectively evaluate the situation, and not act on emotions. You want your partner to feel comfortable that they can share anything with you without being disrespected, attacked, or instantly proven wrong. Try to understand from the other person's perspective, and explain your own thoughts and feelings. Be calm and respectful during the discussion. Do not bring up irrelevant issues or past events. Work out something that is fair and ideally benefits both of you, or at least a situation where it is not only one person who makes all the sacrifice. When one person wins, both partners in the relationship actually lose.
Compromise but don't compromise who you are
Inherently in a relationship, there are issues and differences in opinions, values, beliefs, styles, preferences, "personal cultures," habits, and lifestyles. We all have to compromise in relationships for things to work. However, it is important not to compromise who you are. Think about the changes you are making, being asked to make, or feel you should make for the sake of the relationship.
Ask yourself:
Ask yourself:
How minor or major are the changes?
Are the changes for my benefit, my partner's, or the relationship's?
Are the changes reasonable to ask of me to be made?
Do the changes affect the core of who I am?
How comfortable do I feel making these changes?
Are the changes for my benefit, my partner's, or the relationship's?
Are the changes reasonable to ask of me to be made?
Do the changes affect the core of who I am?
How comfortable do I feel making these changes?
Minor changes are easy. For major changes, make those you feel are necessary, reasonable and comfortable with. Voice any changes you do not feel comfortable with, or that you should not be making. Also, the same partner should not always be the one accommodating to the other person. A relationship is only successful when both partners work towards it. Please see my forum on Can people change?
An example of a change I have made is to start exercising. I have not exercised in years because my schedule is hectic. However, a health-conscious boyfriend encouraged me to exercise. There is actually no excuse I can give for not exercising since it benefits my health. Not only does it benefit me, but it also benefits our relationship because it is an activity we can do together. He encourages me to exercise, but he does not push me. He understands that exercising regularly is not a minor change since I have to make time for it in my busy schedule and it takes effort. So he helps me to start slowly - both in terms of frequency (to accommodate my schedule) and intensity of exercise (so I do not get too sore at the beginning).
An example of a change that was requested by another partner was not to hang out with my male friends. I did not feel comfortable with this change. It was a major and unreasonable change that only benefited my partner.
An example of a change I have made is to start exercising. I have not exercised in years because my schedule is hectic. However, a health-conscious boyfriend encouraged me to exercise. There is actually no excuse I can give for not exercising since it benefits my health. Not only does it benefit me, but it also benefits our relationship because it is an activity we can do together. He encourages me to exercise, but he does not push me. He understands that exercising regularly is not a minor change since I have to make time for it in my busy schedule and it takes effort. So he helps me to start slowly - both in terms of frequency (to accommodate my schedule) and intensity of exercise (so I do not get too sore at the beginning).
An example of a change that was requested by another partner was not to hang out with my male friends. I did not feel comfortable with this change. It was a major and unreasonable change that only benefited my partner.
Things seem great at the beginning of a relationship. Everything is new and exciting. There is passion. Both partners are on their best behavior. But it is important to know who your partner truly is. This will only happen with time. Therefore, it may be preferable not to rush into things (such as marriage) until you know your partner better (and they know you better). This may take more than a year. If your partner and you are truly compatible and meant to be together, then waiting a little until marriage will not make a big difference - you will still be together, it is just a matter of what your status is. Waiting is a small price to pay since you may potentially avoid committing to the wrong person.
Listen to your friends and family
You may be blind to your partner's imperfections, especially under love's spell or the passion of a new relationship. Your friends and family are more objective, so if multiple people have concerns about your new partner, listen to them. This does not mean to solely rely on their opinions to determine who you date, but do not immediately disregard what they are saying. Listen to them and then decide for yourself whether your new relationship is something you really want or is good for you.
Love alone does not sustain a relationship
You may be blind to your partner's imperfections, especially under love's spell or the passion of a new relationship. Your friends and family are more objective, so if multiple people have concerns about your new partner, listen to them. This does not mean to solely rely on their opinions to determine who you date, but do not immediately disregard what they are saying. Listen to them and then decide for yourself whether your new relationship is something you really want or is good for you.
Love alone does not sustain a relationship
Of course love is fundamental to a relationship. But love alone cannot make a relationship last without other essential elements. Make sure your priorities are compatible - Do you both want a long-term relationship/marriage? Agree to have children? Do your priorities/goals/dreams conflict? (See my post on Progress report - Five months of online dating.) Also be practical, logical, and realistic - Do you have the financial means to be together? Do you agree to live at the same place/city? Do you have religious differences that may be problematic?
Live together before marriage
There is a big difference between dating and marriage. One step towards knowing whether you will be compatible in marriage is the intermediary step of living together. Many things are revealed while living together that are not obvious while dating or staying over at your partner's place for short periods of time. You will see whether your living styles, habits, routines, and/or schedules are compatible or tolerable. For example, after moving in with a partner, I learned that we were not compatible because he refused to do any chores or pay part of the rent.
Live together before marriage
There is a big difference between dating and marriage. One step towards knowing whether you will be compatible in marriage is the intermediary step of living together. Many things are revealed while living together that are not obvious while dating or staying over at your partner's place for short periods of time. You will see whether your living styles, habits, routines, and/or schedules are compatible or tolerable. For example, after moving in with a partner, I learned that we were not compatible because he refused to do any chores or pay part of the rent.
Appreciate your partner
Everyone wants to be acknowledged and appreciated. When the novelty of a relationship fades, we come to expect things to be done because they become routine, and we take things and people for granted. Therefore, it is important to show appreciation by saying "thank you" (or by giving small gifts) for even the little things.
Spend time together
Everyone wants to be acknowledged and appreciated. When the novelty of a relationship fades, we come to expect things to be done because they become routine, and we take things and people for granted. Therefore, it is important to show appreciation by saying "thank you" (or by giving small gifts) for even the little things.
Spend time together
When the relationship is new, you want to spend a lot of time with your partner. After the novelty fades, you spend time apart. It is important to still do things together, preferably something new occasionally to keep things fresh and away from the old routines. Even though you both may have busy schedules, set aside time to do something together. (See my post on Ideas for dates.) The two of you doing your own work in the same living space does not count. You do not want your partner to just be a good roommate. You want to be an integral part in each other's lives - to truly connect with one another on various levels.
Have a life outside your partner
Even though you should be actively involved in your partner's life, it is also important to maintain your own friends and hobbies. Spending time away from the relationship allows both partners to have their own personal space, and the chance to "miss" and appreciate the other. When you see your partner again, you can talk about the new insights and experiences you had. In addition, should your relationship end, it is helpful to have friends to help you move on.
Do not waste time
Have a life outside your partner
Even though you should be actively involved in your partner's life, it is also important to maintain your own friends and hobbies. Spending time away from the relationship allows both partners to have their own personal space, and the chance to "miss" and appreciate the other. When you see your partner again, you can talk about the new insights and experiences you had. In addition, should your relationship end, it is helpful to have friends to help you move on.
Do not waste time
If you are unhappy in the relationship or think the relationship will not work, do not waste your time or your partner's time - move on. There may be many excuses you have for not breaking up (e.g., they will be very hurt, they need me, it is difficult to ask them to move out), but ending the relationship earlier than later will be more respectful to them. Allowing them to stay in an unhappy relationship prevents them from finding someone who can provide them with the attention and happiness they deserve. Please see my posts on How to reject someone and How to handle rejection in dating.
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