Progress report - Five months of online dating

I had decided to see one guy ("The Architect") exclusively.  He was wonderful in many ways.  We clicked well, enjoyed each other's company, and laughed a lot.  However, there were a few things about him that were not ideal.  He had two children (whereas I don't have children) - I didn't mind that he had children per se, but it meant that he had others who took priority over me, and I lost half my weekends with him when he visited them.  In addition, he was not Asian and did not understand my culture nor speak my language, so he would not be able to communicate well with my mother or relatives.  However, these things did not really bother me.  What I had the most problem with was our age difference.  He was 11 years older.  He looked his age but I look significantly young for my age.  (I look about 10-20 years younger than my age depending on how I dress - I understand this is usually a good thing).  So when we were together, we looked about 20-30 years apart!  It reminded me of the Woody Allen/Soon Yi or Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta-Jones phenomenon.  The good thing was that I have noticed more and more "odd couples" - partners who are not similar in age, race, height, or body habitus - in recent years compared to two decades ago; therefore, it has become more acceptable to be with someone who is different in appearance.

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones

I have learned that life does not always work out as we had planned or hoped.  Similarly, our partner may not be the person or type we imagined.  In addition, the man we want to date in our 20s is different from the man we want to date in our 30s and 40s.  As we age, we are less picky about the little things, and physical attraction becomes less important.  The Architect was the first guy that I dated whom I was not initially physically attracted towards.  He was not unattractive.  I thought he was average looking but liked his personality very much, and therefore, quickly became attracted towards him.  We also value men who will be a good long-term partner and father.  We want men who are trustworthy, dependable, reciprocating, handy around the home, problem solvers, and financially secure.  The Architect had all of these qualities, so I was going to overlook the issues and see how things play out.  Those issues would not really matter if he was truly a good man.  And not too long afterwards, the age difference no longer bothered me.  I liked him for the person that he was, which included his age because it was part of who he was (with age comes wisdom and experience).

Manhattan has some of the best architecture

However, The Architect did not think we were a good match.  Even though we shared some interests, we did not have certain things in common.  He designs and builds things for his profession and hobby, and he wanted someone who was "artsy" so he could have in-depth conversation about the artistic and design aspects of architecture and furniture.  He wanted his partner to teach him things on these topics.  He also thought that I would not be able to fully understand him because I would not be able to fully appreciate that side of him.  In addition, The Architect wanted someone
who drank coffee and alcohol, and I did not drink either. 

I thought about what he had said.  For me, it was more important to have the qualities of a good long-term partner (how we treat one another and get along) - that is why I overlooked the less-than-perfect things in the relationship.  But for The Architect, even though he admitted that I had many of the good qualities in a long-term partner and that he was falling in love with me, it was important to him that we had specific interests in common.  I respected his opinion and honesty.  Our priorities were just different.  Even if someone is perfect, they may not be perfect for us.  As we get older, we know what we want and don’t want in a partner, and are less tolerant or patient of people who do not fit our desired mold.  And we do not waste time in relationships that we do not see as potentially long-term.  So I respect him for telling me early in the relationship.

Chicago also has phenomenal architecture

In my opinion, it is refreshing to have someone who shares some of our interests but is also a little different from us to balance us.  Although I may not be very artsy, I still thought I could intelligently converse about art and design, and offer an opinion from a different (non-professional) perspective.  In terms of coffee and alcohol, I think there are two main aspects to their appeal – the taste and the social aspect.  I think if I take sips of his coffee or alcohol to experience the taste (to share the experience with him), and we have good conversation over whatever we drink, then it doesn't really matter if I am not drinking the same thing.

Within a week after we stopped seeing one another, The Architect thought about getting back together.  He said he missed me and how I brought liveliness into his life.  He also thought that I treated him extremely well which was a nice change since he tends to be attracted towards women who don't treat him well.  In the end, we both decided it was best that we did not get back together.  Although I do not expect my partner to think that I am perfect, I want him to love and accept me for all that I am - the good and the bad (or at least what he perceives as bad).

So back to the drawing board...