Comebacks to "Why are you still single?"

Funny retorts I found online:

1.  I keep turning down proposals.
2.  Well, you haven’t proposed yet.
3.  My mail-order spouse should be arriving soon.
4.  Having both a husband and a child would be redundant.
5.  I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
6.  There has never been one married superhero.
7.  Perfect men are at every corner of the world.  Unfortunately, Earth is round.
8.  I would have to give up my billion dollar trust fund.
9.  I would no longer get alimony checks if I marry again.
10. Prince Charming made a wrong turn.
11. My knight in shining armor turned out to be a jerk in aluminum foil. 

Realistic answers:

1.  True love is worth waiting for.  I’m not going to settle just because I’ve been single for a while.
2.  I'm not picky but I'm not compromising my standards.
3.  No company is better than bad company.

Advantages and disadvantages of online dating

From my brief experience of being on an online dating website, I have realized the advantages and disadvantages.

Advantages:
-  Efficient way to meet people.
-  Proof that there really are "plenty of fish in the sea."
-  You all have the same agenda - to meet someone.  You know they are single (hopefully!) and sexual orientation right away.  With people you meet in person, you have to find out or guess if they are single.  
-  You can set your preferences (e.g., demographics, location, smoking and drinking habits, religion) for your partner.
-  You can be more bold in contacting people.  There is no face-to-face interaction so you don't feel as bad if rejected.
-  Some people prefer to date someone who is not part of their circle of friends or from work/school to avoid awkwardness if the relationship does not work out.  
-  You get a general sense of the person by their profile.  
-  You can check/search the website whenever, and however often, you want - even while wearing your pajamas in the comfort of your own home.
-  Some websites are free.
-  You can put a hold on getting matches if you are in a relationship.

Disadvantages:
-  Time consuming. You have to scan through many profiles.  You need to invest time in emailing, talking on the phone, or texting back and forth, with no guarantee that you will even end up meeting.
-  People seem dispensible.  If you don't like a particular person or they don't like you, there is likely someone similar next week.
-  People may have a different agenda (e.g., type of relationship they want - casual vs serious).
-  People may be different from the type of person you are interested in meeting.
-  People may seem great on their profile, by email, or on the phone.  But they may seem very different in person or there is no chemistry when you meet.
-  People are strangers and less trustworthy.  If you meet a person through a friend, at least someone can vouch for them.
-  You or the other person may become more picky since you know there are many other options available.  This may lead to hesitancy to commit.

If you decide to try online dating, see my posts on Advice for signing up and Advice for online dating profiles.

Be picky or settle?

A friend sent me an article which supported settling for a man, even when women are young.  The argument was that as women age, the pool of available men dwindle and women become less attractive, so women would be even lucky if a man would settle for them as well.  In addition, the article talks about how romance fades in relationships anyway, so one should be practical and have a guy around to help out with the home and children, and bring in a second income.  I agree that these are all valid points.  However, I have been in relationships that were "okay."  And I wasn't happy.

Should we be picky or should we settle for Mr. Okay, especially as we get older?  Will there ever be truly a Mr. Perfect?  The current high divorce rate and percentage of unhappy marriages tell us likely not.  Even men whom these women thought were their Prince, ended not being so.  (Check out the forum on Why we stay in unhappy relationships.) 

The Honeymooners

I don't expect the guy I end up with to be perfect since everyone has faults or quirks.  But there are certain qualities I would like.  He doesn't have to be objectively good looking, but should be attractive to me (and personality plays an important part in how attractive one is).  We don't have to share many similarities.  I am not looking for a male version of me.  In fact, it is good to have someone who balances us.  I am not looking for the best guy I can find; otherwise, we will never be satisfied with the person we are with.

I am looking for someone whom I want to live day-to-day with, to do mundane and exciting activities with, someone who is trustworthy and dependable, who respects me and loves me for me (appreciates my good qualities and accepts my bad ones - and I will do the same for him), who contributes to the relationship and reciprocates, who has similar goals and values, and who I can converse and work out problems with.  These are all reasonable qualities to want because if the partner does not have these, the relationship will eventually be in trouble.  I am not nick-picking and requiring certain things such as a specific height, race, etc.  It is important to tease out what is important (what we need) from what we prefer in a relationship (of course, it would be nice if they have what we prefer as well).  It is important to be picky, but to be picky with the important things, and not to compromise certain standards.  (Please see Forum on Can people change?)

Romance is rampant at the beginning of relationships, I want someone whose company I will still enjoy when the jitterbugs subside.  I think it's better to be alone than to come home to someone whom I don't want to come home to.  After all, I do need to spend the next few decades with him, kiss him, sleep next to him, and have children with him.  If I just want an extra body around so I am not alone or to have help with the home and children, I can live with a good friend.

Will & Grace

Progress report - Two months of online dating

It has been two months since I started online dating.  I have not had as many dates with different guys in the second month because I have been busy and because I have been seeing one guy ("Robocop") a few times (whom I met in the first month).  He is the only guy from the dating website whom I have seen again after the first date.  He does not have all the qualities I am looking for in a long-term partner, but he has some very good qualities and I enjoy my time with him, so I will see how things go.

Friends have advised me to have "low expectations" with people I meet online.  One friend has said that online dating is like 'dumpster diving' for a mate.  Another friend calls dating a "rough sport."  I agree with at least the latter statement.  Although each date I have had with the men from online dating went well overall, I did not see most going further past the first date.  I don't think the men were necessarily bad, I just don't think they were for me.  There was no connection or I did not see them as a long-term partner for me.

But I wanted to share some funny or not-so-pleasant events that happened during my first dates so far:

- One guy accidentally stole my metrocard.  Unbeknownst to me, I dropped it onto the floor when I got up to go to the restroom at the restaurant and he picked it up, not knowing it was mine.  When we were walking to the subway station, I realized I was missing my metrocard when I searched my pockets.  He confessed that he found one and that it must have been mine.  He returned it but it was an awkward moment.

- One guy was supposed to take me to a restaurant but needed to get the name of the restaurant from a friend.  However, he never followed through and we ended up having tea.  So I went home hungry.  But he didn't because he had already eaten before we met!  He was also not presentable because his shirt was terribly wrinkled.  And he passed gas in the middle of the date.  The biggest red flag was that he was in his late thirties and still living in a small apt with two roommates, and he admitted he was bad at saving money.

 -  Another guy looked much older for his age (50s) while I look very young for my age (20s), so we looked a generation apart even though we are only 10 years apart.  When the bill came and I offered to pay my share, he didn't even try to pay for me.  He just said, "we'll split the bill" as if he was doing me a favor for not having to pay for him.  And when we left the restaurant that night, instead of walking me to my car, he was going to walk to his car yet he lives a few blocks away!

- I had a real connection with one guy who seemed near perfect.  He seemed to have all the qualities I was looking for, and said all the right things when we texted, emailed, or spoke on the phone.  However, when we were supposed to arrange a time and place to finally meet, he did not call me... and this happened twice.  Although I was disappointed at first, I was not upset for long.  He could not have been that perfect if he did not call after I gave him a second chance.  And he probably was not the person he portrayed himself to be.  He likely said all those nice things to make himself seem like such a great catch.  I learned to be aware of sweet talkers.  It was good to learn that he was a jerk early than after investing time and emotion into the relationship.

From my experiences on these dates, I have comprised suggestions on what to do or not do, and questions to ask, on first dates.  Please refer to my posts on Advice for first dates and Questions to ask on a first date.

I have not given up hope in men... yet.  I know the type of guy I want.  And dating will help me learn or confirm what I like and don't like.  Dating will also show me what I want but didn't know or think I wanted.  It is easy to fall into the mentality that we will never find the perfect one, but I have not given up hope, at least not yet.  And when I do find him, it will be worth the wait because it will be amazing and life will never be the same again.