We are storytellers
Some conflicts arise from seeing or hearing something "suspicious." We then invent stories, or add meaning or motive, to
explain what happened. These made up stories may or may not be accurate, but we develop emotions and form judgement based on our
perception of what happened. Finally, we act upon these
perceptions, usually
when we are in an emotional state. For example, you see your
boyfriend's credit card receipt from a florist but he has not recently
bought you flowers (the suspicious act). So you figure he must be seeing another woman (your invented story).
You become angry (your emotion) and go through his apt, computer and phone to see if
you can find more evidence of an affair (acting upon emotion). Shortly afterwards, he comes
home to find his apt trashed and you start frantically accusing him of
cheating.
In such situations, it is best to be objective and not emotional. Think of the facts and ask yourself:
In such situations, it is best to be objective and not emotional. Think of the facts and ask yourself:
What other explanations can there be?
Why would a reasonable person do this?
What objective evidence is there to support my story?
Why would a reasonable person do this?
What objective evidence is there to support my story?
When to complain
If there is an issue, it is best to talk about it with your
partner. This does not mean to
complain about everything that bothers you. Complaining
should serve a purpose: 1) you are upset and need to vent, or 2) it is an
attempt to make a change for the better.
If there is something you dislike or are upset about, think about whether you need to actually confront the other person:
Is it your problem or theirs? It is your problem if your needs are not being met.
Does it bother or affect you to the point that you need to intervene?
Is the issue worth confronting them?
You may not always be able change other people, but you can change yourself. You can change your perceptions, emotions, actions and habits. Once you decide that the problem extends beyond you or what you can do, requires a change or input from your partner, and/or is a problem worth discussing, have the talk with your partner early so your emotions will not fester and blow up later. Think about what you would like to say, and how you would phrase it. Imagine possible reactions and responses your significant other may have, and how you would handle each scenario.
Having the discussion
Some people are brutally blunt and may use the excuse that they are just being honest if they hurt someone's feelings. But one is not restricted to being honest and attacking, or being kind and withholding. There is usually a way to be honest yet respectful.
If there is something you dislike or are upset about, think about whether you need to actually confront the other person:
Is it your problem or theirs? It is your problem if your needs are not being met.
Does it bother or affect you to the point that you need to intervene?
Is the issue worth confronting them?
You may not always be able change other people, but you can change yourself. You can change your perceptions, emotions, actions and habits. Once you decide that the problem extends beyond you or what you can do, requires a change or input from your partner, and/or is a problem worth discussing, have the talk with your partner early so your emotions will not fester and blow up later. Think about what you would like to say, and how you would phrase it. Imagine possible reactions and responses your significant other may have, and how you would handle each scenario.
Having the discussion
Some people are brutally blunt and may use the excuse that they are just being honest if they hurt someone's feelings. But one is not restricted to being honest and attacking, or being kind and withholding. There is usually a way to be honest yet respectful.
During
your conversation, focus on the issue and motive. Think about what you
really want for yourself, your partner, and the relationship. Clarify what you want and do
not want. Perhaps
you want your partner to change something about themselves, or just to
have your opinion heard. If the
conversation gets heated and digresses from these objectives, refocus
and steer the conversation back.
The tone of the conversation should be relaxed yet firm. If you are addressing a complaint or issue, first state the
facts since one cannot argue with the facts. Do not give opinions. (I found your credit card receipt from the florist). Then explain your side/story so they see why you are upset (I thought you may be having an affair because that is how my friend found out her husband was cheating on her). Then ask for your partner's explanation and feelings (My friend's mother passed away so I was sending flowers to the funeral).
If you are addressing a behavior, first describe the behavior objectively in detail. (You leave dirty dishes in the sink without washing them for weeks.) Give examples of recent instances. (That happened the last three times your friends came over to watch a football game.) Next, state the consequence of that behavior. (When the sink is full, it is difficult to use it and cook.) Then describe your feelings about that behavior and its consequence. (That makes me frustrated.) Avoid mentioning your partner's character or personality. Lastly, pause to hear their response.
Make the discussion "safe"
Actively listen to what your significant other has to say. Do not just hear what you want. Clarify information if needed. Genuinely try to understand them and the message they are telling you. Focus on their content of speech, emotions, tone of voice, and body language. Do not interrupt, attack, or be judgmental. If your partner feels disrespected, attacked or humiliated, they will become defensive or upset, and act on those emotions. Look for signs of these in their tone of voice and body language. If you see such signs, do not respond by getting defensive or emotional. Instead, make your significant other feel safe that they can freely share their thoughts without any negative consequence.
Make the discussion safe by:
1. Reminding your partner of your goal - you are trying to help them, or attempting to work out a solution for your differences.
2. Encouraging your significant other to talk about the (real) reason they are upset. Paraphrase (not parrot) their response and confirm that it is correct (so you truly hear and understand them). If they are silent, state your hypotheses as to why you think they are upset.
3. Apologizing when appropriate - but do not constantly apologize. (I didn't mean to offend you. I just wanted to be honest and talk to you about the issue so we can work it out. Our relationship is important to me.)
The solution/compromise
After you hear your partner's response, it is time to work on the solution or compromise. You may or may not have a solution ready to propose, but talking about it with your significant other may help the two of you arise at other potential solutions together. A solution that is formulated together will likely work out better than one that you or your partner thought of alone.
If your partner agrees to make a change, work out a fair solution and decide on specifics - who does what by when, and when/how to follow-up on the progress. (See my posts on Advice for relationships and Can people change?) If your significant other does not want to change, ask for one specific small change or small changes over time, since they are more likely to agree to that. If you end up disagreeing, find one thing to agree on and build on that. At a minimal, you can agree to disagree.
If you are addressing a behavior, first describe the behavior objectively in detail. (You leave dirty dishes in the sink without washing them for weeks.) Give examples of recent instances. (That happened the last three times your friends came over to watch a football game.) Next, state the consequence of that behavior. (When the sink is full, it is difficult to use it and cook.) Then describe your feelings about that behavior and its consequence. (That makes me frustrated.) Avoid mentioning your partner's character or personality. Lastly, pause to hear their response.
Make the discussion "safe"
Actively listen to what your significant other has to say. Do not just hear what you want. Clarify information if needed. Genuinely try to understand them and the message they are telling you. Focus on their content of speech, emotions, tone of voice, and body language. Do not interrupt, attack, or be judgmental. If your partner feels disrespected, attacked or humiliated, they will become defensive or upset, and act on those emotions. Look for signs of these in their tone of voice and body language. If you see such signs, do not respond by getting defensive or emotional. Instead, make your significant other feel safe that they can freely share their thoughts without any negative consequence.
Make the discussion safe by:
1. Reminding your partner of your goal - you are trying to help them, or attempting to work out a solution for your differences.
2. Encouraging your significant other to talk about the (real) reason they are upset. Paraphrase (not parrot) their response and confirm that it is correct (so you truly hear and understand them). If they are silent, state your hypotheses as to why you think they are upset.
3. Apologizing when appropriate - but do not constantly apologize. (I didn't mean to offend you. I just wanted to be honest and talk to you about the issue so we can work it out. Our relationship is important to me.)
The solution/compromise
After you hear your partner's response, it is time to work on the solution or compromise. You may or may not have a solution ready to propose, but talking about it with your significant other may help the two of you arise at other potential solutions together. A solution that is formulated together will likely work out better than one that you or your partner thought of alone.
If your partner agrees to make a change, work out a fair solution and decide on specifics - who does what by when, and when/how to follow-up on the progress. (See my posts on Advice for relationships and Can people change?) If your significant other does not want to change, ask for one specific small change or small changes over time, since they are more likely to agree to that. If you end up disagreeing, find one thing to agree on and build on that. At a minimal, you can agree to disagree.
Ways to soften the criticism
1. Mention your own mistakes before criticizing your significant other.2. Avoid "absolute" words (always, never) or negative words/phrases (stupid, bad, worst, hate, I don't like). Instead, substitute with softer words/phrases (usually, rarely, suboptimal, less than perfect, not my favorite, less preferable, room for improvement, I prefer x over y). Or use "not" in front of the opposite meaning (stupid = not the smartest, bad = not great/good, worst = not the best).
3. Do not label your significant other. (You are a dumb jerk.) That one bad habit they have may be dumb but it does not make them a dumb person.
4. Start with "I" to express negative feelings and avoid accusing. Instead of, You make me feel dumb when you correct my grammar in front of friends, say, I feel dumb when you correct my grammar in front of friends. Or state from an "objective" standpoint. I feel dumb when my grammar is corrected in front of friends. Then add, I know that is not your intention. Could you please not correct my grammar, at least not in front of friends?
5. Mention something positive relevant to the issue. (This discussion made me feel closer to you since it proved I can openly talk to you about how I feel.)
6. Help your partner save face. Make the issue seem easy to correct or the change easy to make.
7. Acknowledge any improvement your significant other may have already made in their bad habit/behavior.
How to handle being criticized
If you are on the receiving end of the criticism/complaint, avoid the natural reaction to be defensive or emotional. Do not ignore/deny the criticism or excuse your behavior. Instead, ask for details behind the criticism (who, what, when, where, why, how), and for specific examples of the "problem" behavior. Explain your reasons, thoughts, and/or feelings. Agree with the things your partner stated that were true and reiterate those points. (You're right that I usually don't take out the garbage.) But do not put yourself down or label yourself. (I am selfish.) Just because there is one thing that your partner does not like (she finds your picking your nose in front of her annoying) does not mean it generalizes to you as a person (you are an annoying person).
Think of your motive - to win/be right or for the relationship to work? If you agree to change, then state specifically what you will do differently. If you do not want to change, then agree with parts of your partner's complaint that you think are true. If there is nothing you agree with, at a minimum, you can agree that your significant other has the right to their opinion. Disagree with what you think is inaccurate, and provide proof or examples.
Please see my other post for more Tips for communication.
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