When we enter a relationship, things are usually rosy. Their faults are tolerable or even endearing. We naturally blend ourselves into them and we adapt to their idiosyncratic style or "culture." But when we become comfortable in a relationship a few months later, these faults become intolerable and we want the person to change. I do think that women tend to want to mold men into their perfect Prince Charming. I've been told by a friend that men mainly just care about companionship and sex.
But when we tolerate our partner's faults, when do we cross the line between compromising and settling for someone? This depends on how important the fault is to the person whom it bothers. If the fault is something that plays an extremely important factor in the relationship, and not changing it would make the person truly unhappy and have a major negative impact on the relationship, then it may be considered settling. For example, if a woman is dating someone who abuses her, then she is settling if she stays with him. But if the fault is something simply annoying, and the other person is otherwise a good partner, then perhaps the fault is something to be tolerated and it is not considered settling. For example, if his worst fault is that he occasionally scratches his crotch in public, but is otherwise a delight in all other aspects, then I would not consider that settling. (Please see post on Be picky or settle?)
But even if the person wants to change, can one truly change? I believe it depends on several factors:
- how important the fault to be changed is to both people in the relationship
- who the person is changing for - if it is for themselves, then they are more likely to change; if it is for the partner, then it depends on how important the partner is to the person who will be doing the change (i.e., the motivating factor)
- how open-minded the person is to change in general (some people think they just can't change; this is the mentality as we get older)
- how much of a change the person is expected to make (for example, it is easier to ask a guy to watch sports one night less each week than for him to stop watching sports completely so you can spend more time together)
- how much time is given to make the change
- how good of a support system the person has (if it is a big change)
As we have learned from repeatedly unsuccessful New Year's resolutions, even if a person initially changes, it is easy to revert to baseline. Perhaps the change may last a day, a week, a month, or a year. But can someone change permanently? It depends on what the change is and the motivation. If it is a major change that affects the person at their core or who they truly are, then it is extremely hard, though not impossible. It just takes a lot of effort. Most people get tired of putting in conscious effort over long periods of time to maintain the change, and therefore, revert to how they were at baseline. Perhaps for the fortunate ones who can maintain the change, the change becomes a habit and less effort is needed to sustain it over time.
For example, if a person is pessimistic at baseline, whenever they hear some news, they will think "this will suck." But if they are trying to be an optimist, they will still think, "this will suck" at first, but then say, "maybe something will happen and it will turn out fine." Their instinct is to be pessimistic and they have to make an effort to think otherwise... each time the situation arises.
What changes have you or your partner made?
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