How to reject someone in dating

One of the harder things about dating is rejecting someone and being rejected.  Most of us have experienced both sides.  It is one of the (many) things that I have learned about in dating, and continue to learn.

"BREAKIN' UP IS HARD TO DO" - Neil Sedaka

I admit that I have been chicken in the past to break up with a guy whom I was in a long-term relationship with (although there were other reasons I stayed).  I tried to let the guy break up with me instead.  Therefore, the relationship lasted longer than it should have.  I have learned that it is important to break it off as soon as I am sure I no longer want things to progress.  It is better to break up sooner than string them along and waste their (and your) time.

If you are concerned that they have deep feelings for you and will be heartbroken, that is even more reason to end things earlier.  You do not want them to become even more emotionally attached with time.  Don't worry, they will eventually get over you and move on (no offense).  If you are worried that they need you in some way, you can offer to remain friends after the breakup.  You owe it to yourself to leave a relationship in which you are unhappy and do not think will improve.  See my forum on Why we stay in unhappy relationships and post on Attracting Mr. Wrong.

METHODS TO REJECT

There are various ways to reject someone.  Think about how people have broken up with you in the past and use that as a guide.  You probably prefer being directly told in a respectful way that you were not a good match, rather than being ignored or lied to. 

1.  Be honest

This is my preferred method.  It is courteous and respectful to the other person.  Even though they were not your ideal match, they invested time and money on the date(s), so they deserve some respect.  It is important to be brief and straightforward in your rejection.  Unless you had a mini- or long-term relationship, there is no need to give them a reason why you are not interested.

Keep in mind:

It is in your best interest to be graceful when breaking up because the other person may impact your life somehow, either in the present (e.g., you have mutual friends and need to get along) or years later (e.g., they become your boss).  

Do not give false hope or mixed messages by saying things such as:

I am not interested at this time.

If the situation was different, it would probably work out between us.

If you are rejecting a friend or someone whom you have had at least a mini-relationship with, you can tell them you want to remain friends or that you are available to talk if they need - but you should only say this if you genuinely mean it.  If you stay friends, be careful that they may maintain a romantic mentality and try to get back together.  See my post on Can you be friends with an ex? 

They may become visibly upset or angry.  They may call you names, start saying/doing mean things to you, list your faults, or tell you that they were going to break up with you anyway.  Do not take it personally or feed into it.

Incredible Hulk

They may try desperately to win you back with gifts or say they will change.  Do not give in - unless you truly think things will change (see my forum on Can people change?).  Remember the reasons why you broke up in the first place.

The exception to being nice is if they were a big jerk.  Telling them simply what they did wrong may help them realize what they should not do again, although they may not change anyway.  Just be careful since telling them may make them angry and behave more of a jerk to you.

Give them some space after the breakup.  

2.  Ignore them
Some people say this will get the message across that you are not interested, and will lessen the blow of rejection.  However, it is not very nice.  This method may be appropriate though if you received correspondences via online dating and are not interested.  Or if you already rejected someone and they are persistent in persuading you to reconsider or are bothering you. 

3.  Uninterested behavior
You can give obvious hints that you are not interested.

Examples:
Not make eye contact
Say or do mean things to them
Pick fights
Not hang out with them or mutual friends
Pretend to be interested in someone else or already be in a romantic relationship

4.  Lie
You can make up a reason why you do not want to date them again to lessen the pain of rejection.  This goes along with the "It's me, not you" concept.  But it may give them hope that things may work out later when the situation changes.

Examples:
I decided to get back together with my ex. 
I realized I am just not ready for a relationship.
My work schedule is just too busy for dating.

HOW TO REJECT IN VARIOUS SCENARIOS:

1.  Correspondences via online dating 
In the culture of online dating, it is acceptable to not reply to messages if you are not interested, even if the two of you have exchanged a few emails and you subsequently lost interest.  Most of the introductory messages are very short and the person did not seem to put much effort into writing them anyway.  Some guys even have a template in which they copy and paste into each introductory email, or write to many girls to cast a wide net.  However, I may briefly reply to emails where it is evident the guy spent a lot of time and effort writing it, or if they specifically ask me to tell them whether I am interested or not.

Example:
I appreciate your interest but I don't think we're a good match.  I wish you the best of luck in your search.

2.  Someone asks you out on a first date (outside of online dating)
Reply with something polite and simple.  No need to give a reason why you are declining.

Examples:
I am flattered, but unfortunately, I do not feel the same way.
I think you are a cool person but I am afraid the feeling is not mutual.

3.  After 1-2 dates
Gentlemen:  If you did not imply that you wanted to see her again, then most guys just do not contact the girl again.  However, if you said something that implies a potential future date, but decided not to see her again, then it is fair to tell her soon (at least by text or email) so she does not wait for you to ask her out again.

Example:
I enjoyed your company, but after giving it more thought, I do not see this going further romantically.  I apologize if I gave you the wrong impression earlier.

Ladies:  If you did not imply that you wanted to see him again, then you do not have to do anything (i.e., reject him) if he does not ask you for another date.  If he does ask you out again, then it is courteous to gently tell him no.

Examples:
I had a good time but I do not see this going further romantically.  
Thank you for the date but I didn't feel a connection.  I wish you all the best.

However, if you said something that implies a potential future date, but decided not to see him again, then it is fair to tell him.  You should not say "yes" to another date just because you feel bad you gave him that impression earlier.  It will just prolong everything and waste everyone's time (and his money).

Example:
I enjoyed your company, but after giving it more thought, I do not see this going further romantically.  I apologize if I gave you the wrong impression earlier.

4.  After 3+ dates
Because there has been a decent amount of investment (emotional, time, monetary), the other person deserves to be told that you do not think it will work - at least by phone, or in person if the relationship has been longer. 

 
METHOD OF COMMUNICATION


Whether you break up via text, email, phone, or in person depends on the length of the relationship and primary method in which you have been communicating during the relationship.  The longer the relationship, the breakup should be done in person (or at least over the phone).  If you have been seeing each other often (rather than primarily talking on the phone or texting), then you should break up in person.