The online dating game: How to get a date

After you have signed up on an online dating website, the fun starts!  (See my post on Advice for signing up.)  Each dating website operates differently, but it generally gives you at least a few matches each day.  It is important that you are accurate when specifying what you want in a partner because the matches they give you are based on those specifications.  The websites usually allow you to search for other people as well. 

Screening matches
Go through your list of matches, results of your own search, or the list of people who has viewed or contacted you.  The websites vary in terms of how much information they provide on the thumbnail profile - picture only, picture with a few basic details, or a summary profile.  Some people may automatically reject someone based on the photo on the thumbnail profile, so it is extremely important to have good pictures (especially your primary one - see my post on Advice for online dating profiles).  If you are unsure about someone based on their primary photo, click to see whether they have other pictures and look at their full profile.  If you are still unsure based on their appearance, ask yourself, "If this person turns out to have all the qualities of my ideal partner, would I fall for them given how they look?"  If the answer is no, then move on.

Contacting matches
There are various options to contact someone you are interested in.  (Options differ by websites.)  See my post on How to initiate contact with someone on a dating website. 

1.  Email
This is the best and most preferred method of correspondence.  It allows you to personalize the correspondence and tailor your message to their profile.  Emailing generally has the highest rate of response since it is more personal and allows your personality to shine.  Your personal email address will not be visible to the other person, as it goes through the website.

Examples of actual (bad) emails I have received: 

"Hey Buddy , what's up. How u doing ." 

"hi Sexy" 

"R you just as Hot as it outside today?"

"You seem awesome. Do you want to play a game so we can get to know each other? You send me five questions about anything you want to know. I'll answer them and send you back five of my own. You down?" 

2.  Instant Message
You can chat with them online.  However, this requires that they are logged onto the site at the time you are, and will accept your invitation to chat.

3.  Call or text
You can call or text them via the website without your (or their) personal phone number being known.  Calling may be difficult because it requires both of you being available to speak at the same time without previously scheduling it.

4.  Send pre-set questions
The website may have a set of questions for you to answer.  You can send the same questions to someone to see whether they match you and your answers/values/interests.

5.  Wink or Icebreaker
This is the simplest form of demonstrating interest.  It is a simple sign that says you are interested.  However, some people perceive this as laziness that you did not take the time to write an email.  It is also less personal and less effective than email.

6.  Like

There is an icon which allows you to tell someone that you like them or their photo(s).  However, sometimes I comment on a cool photo but am not necessarily interested in the person romantically.

7.  Favorite or archive
You can save the profiles you like into a separate section.  This reminds you of people you are interested in, have already contacted, or want to contact in the future.  However, for the website I am using, I use the archive folder for people I do NOT want to contact, and leave the prospects on my active list.

Getting the date
If you send out a simple sign of interest (such as a wink or like), eventually you will need to advance communication to learn more about them, usually through email.  The first email is generally brief and introductory.  It should comment on their profile, include information about you (background, fun/unique facts), things you have in common, and may consist of a couple of questions about the person or their profile.  Subsequent emails are more detailed.  After exchanging a few emails, if you are still interested, I recommend talking on the phone before meeting in person.  That can screen some people out, so you do not waste time and money going on the actual date.

Arrange a day and time when you are both available to chat on the phone.  If you end up being unavailable at that time, text or email them to reschedule.  Do not tell someone you will chat and then end up not calling, or not picking up/calling back soon.  It gives them a bad impression of you and you may not get a second chance with them.

If you get stuck not knowing what to talk about, discuss things on your or their profile.  Or refer to my post on Questions to ask on a first date.  If the phone conversation(s) goes well, simply tell them that you enjoy chatting with them and ask if they would be interested in meeting.

You may have incredible chemistry via phone/text/email, but the chemistry may not be present when you meet in person.  There could be various reasons: they may not look like their pictures, have a weird mannerism/behavior, act differently in person, or not be kind to you or others (such as the wait staff at a restaurant).  You will not be able to tell these things by phone/text/email, only in person.  Therefore, I suggest not allowing too much time to pass before meeting.

If you do not get a response...
If someone does not reply right away to your correspondence, it may not necessarily mean that they are not interested.  They may be busy or have not checked their messages/notifications.  However, some websites allow you to see whether they have read your message or viewed your profile, and when they were last active on the site.  The person may also deliberately wait a little as to not appear too eager.  Or they may be already dating someone.

There will be times when you have exchanged a few correspondences (or even had a seemingly good date), but you do not hear back from them even though you thought things were going well.  Do not distress or perseverate on possible explanations - Are they just busy?  Did I do/say something wrong?  It happens to everyone and does not mean something is wrong with you.  You may just not have been a good match.  Just move on. 

If someone does not respond to your original correspondence, you can remind them by sending another (simple) one at least a couple of weeks later.  However, I would not recommend sending more than a total of two correspondences.  If they are not interested, sending multiple correspondences will only annoy them, not impress or flatter them.

Keep in mind...
You will have more activity on the site soon after signing up because you are "fresh meat."  The frequency of activity slows down after you have been on the site for awhile, so there may be "dry spells" later.

Online dating is like a part-time job.  You need to invest (a lot of) time contacting people, replying to correspondences, chatting on the phone, and going on less-than-ideal dates before finding someone worthy of a long-term relationship.  Because people are advertising their best qualities online, you will likely quickly find "faults" not mentioned on their profile or that you are not a good match when you learn more about them via email/chat/meeting.

Some people prefer contacting those who are currently online or were recently active on the site.  Being inactive may imply that you are already in a relationship or do not invest time in dating.

Do not contact someone on Friday night or Saturday night, as it implies that you do not have a social life.

Do not become an online stalker.  Do not view the same person multiple times, as they may be able to see that you viewed them.  It will only creep them out.

Security tips
Some people have a separate cell phone just for dating.  Do not give out your home phone number or address, in case they want to find where you live.  They may say they want your address so they can send you flowers or a gift, but do not give it out until you know them well.

Do not give out personal information such as your last name, social security number, or financial information.

Do not send money to anyone.

If someone behaves inappropriately or suspiciously, block them from your profile and/or report them to the website.


Related posts:
Ideas for dates
Advice for first dates
What to wear on a first date
What impresses women and men
Who to date or not date 
Dating someone with children
Defining the relationship
The first date kiss
Comebacks to "Why are you still single?"
Who has it easier in the dating world - Men or Women?
Difficulties of being a woman with a successful career in dating
How to make yourself more physically attractive