Difficulties of being a woman with a successful career in dating

Recently, I saw that a guy had viewed my profile on the dating website but did not contact me.  I liked his profile and thought he was attractive, so I emailed him.  I jokingly asked if my profile scared him away.  He replied that he did not think that he would be my type.  He thought that "successful women are not attracted to men who are divorced with a child."

A career can be considered successful in various ways, but for the purpose of this post, I will define it as having a high salary and/or powerful position.  Sometimes I feel that my career hurts me in terms of dating.  I am in a well-regarded profession and earn a very good living (I probably earn more than the majority of men).  In addition, my friends consider me to be intelligent and independent.  However, I think all this hurts me when it comes to dating.  Men may feel intimidated by successful women who are intelligent, well-educated, and independent.  Men may feel that they will not be the provider.  Or they may feel that they are not "good enough" or that successful women would want someone who is "on her level."  That is why I deliberately did not specify certain things on my profile, such as my profession, my income bracket, or that I graduated from an ivy league school.  However, I believe that I should be proud of my accomplishments and who I am.  I should not have to apologize or be punished for them.

I do not judge a person by their career, income, education level or social status.  I also do not care about the person's background because they could not help being born into that; rather, it is the person they have become that matters because that is within their control.  I judge people by their character, values and morals, and by how they treat others.

Men with a successful career, on the other hand, are considered more attractive (see post on Who has it easier in the dating world?).  However, in this modern era, I find that traditional gender roles are being blurred.  More and more men become stay-home dads.  The majority of college and graduate students are now women.  Women are the sole or primary breadwinner in forty percent of all American households.  Women are becoming more successful and independent, yet expected to remain lady-like.  But no matter how successful, independent or powerful a woman is, I suspect that she still wants to be a "damsel in distress" at least occasionally.  There is a part of every woman (or at least the vast majority of women) that wants to be taken care to a certain extent.  Some want to be taken of completely, and they want a guy to make them feel secure physically, emotionally and financially.  Other women are more independent but still want a guy to do things for them occasionally, such as carrying something heavy, opening a tight jar, or standing up to a rude stranger for them.  But all women, no matter how successful, independent or powerful, want to be romanced in some way, whether it is by flowers, chocolates, a candlelit dinner, a trip to Paris, or just a text telling us you miss us.  Women (as do men) want to be acknowledged and appreciated.  (See my post on What impresses women and men.)  For myself and probably most other women with a successful career who are dating a guy less "successful," I think the disparity in salary and/or education does not really matter if the man contributes to the relationship in other ways and is a good partner overall.

A person's career is only one aspect of who they are.  Looks and personality play major roles in attraction.  I think a woman's successful career would not hinder men from being interested if he knew what her personality is like.  A man may be less intimidated if he knew that she was down-to-earth and did not care much what his salary, career or education level was.  I think men care more about how a woman makes him feel, rather than her salary or career.  Even though she may make more money or have a more successful career, does she come off as that way?  In addition, some men may find that a successful career shows that the woman "has her act together," which tends to be an attractive quality rather than a deterrent.

There is a little bit of Ally in all of us

Another reason why men may not want to date a successful woman is that he is afraid that she will be dedicated to work, and not have enough time for the relationship.  It is important for both men and women not to allow their career to interfere with their relationship by allowing work to detract quality time together or force them to break promises.  There will always be more work to do, but your significant other can be understanding for only so long before the quality of the relationship (permanently) deteriorates.  No one on their deathbed wishes they spend more time working.  Instead, they wish they spent more time with their loved ones and doing the things they enjoy.


It may also be helpful if a successful woman demonstrates that she has a feminine side and can let the man be the provider or an equal:
-  Wear a dress with heels rather than a business suit with penny loafers on a date.  (See my post on What to wear on a first date.)
-  Leave work at work - do not answer your business (or personal) calls/texts/emails during the date.
-  If he asks what your job is, be truthful about your job/position but don't dwell on how the "power" of your position or all your accomplishments such that it seems like you are bragging.  Instead, discuss what you like about your job or how it may help/affect others, and certainly ask him about his job.
-  Let the man pay for the meal if he offers, even if you may make more money.