Cheating

Why do people cheat?

It is difficult to get accurate statistics about the prevalence of cheating since people may not admit to it, even under anonymity.  However, it is estimated that at least half of all people have been in a relationship where their partner has cheated in the past, or were cheating in their current relationship.  People who cheat typically do not start out intending to do so.  It is not usually about sex.  Instead, it often starts off as filling a void in the current relationship.  But then it inadvertently or unintentionally progresses to something deeper.

What is considered cheating?
Once you have established that you are in a mutually exclusively relationship, most people would consider intimate physical contact with someone else, such as petting or intercourse, cheating.  But there are many gray zones:

-  having romantic feelings or sexual thoughts about someone else
-  fantasizing about someone while being intimate with you or masturbating
-  hanging out with someone they are attracted towards (either regularly, or on a date-like event such as dinner and dancing)
-  kissed someone they are attracted towards, either on the cheek or lips (but only once)
-  (body) massage - giving or receiving
-  romantic gestures such as sending flowers or giving frequent gifts/one expensive gift

-  saying sweet things repeatedly to the same person
-  constant flirting (in person, online or sexting)
-  staring at someone attractive walking down the street
-  looking at porn
-  being obsessed with a celebrity and asking your partner to dress up and act like them
-  visiting a strip club and/or getting a lap dance (from the same dancer on multiple occasions)
-  having a threesome with your partner
-  being intimate with someone of the same gender (some guys may actually prefer or not mind if their girlfriends/wives were intimate with another female, especially if they could watch or be an active third party participant)
-  Would it matter if your partner knew or was present during any of the above acts?
-  Does it matter if the other person was an ex?

-  Does it make a difference if you committed the above acts under the influence of alcohol or drugs, when your judgement was poor and you did not have full control of your actions?

Some may not consider the above acts cheating, especially if there is no intention to pursue the romantic feelings or establish a romantic relationship.  However, the acts can be considered at least risky behavior or inappropriate in a relationship.  It is important to discuss with your partner what is considered inappropriate/cheating.  Your partner may have different standards from you.  If you and your partner do not establish boundaries, then it is easier for one of you to (inadvertently) cross the "cheating boundary line."

Two questions to help you decide whether an act is inappropriate:
1) Would you still do it if your partner was present or will find out about what you are doing?
2) Would you be fine if your partner did the same thing?

Prevent cheating
There is a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted towards them.  You can find someone attractive but not be attracted towards them.  It is natural to think someone is attractive.  We cannot help that.  But trouble can occur when we are attracted towards someone and want to be with them. 

The best way to stop cheating is to prevent it from happening in the first place.  Be aware of your feelings.  If you find yourself attracted towards someone else, do not put yourself in a situation in which something could happen.  Do not be in a place alone with them.  Limit contact with them.  Spend more time with your partner and reconnect with them.  Think about why you initially fell for your partner and capitalize on that.  Think about the weaknesses in your relationship and work on them.

Think about whether it is better to tell your partner about the feelings you have for someone else.  Think about their personality and tendencies.  Will your partner appreciate your honesty and trust you more?  Or will it only hurt the relationship because they will become jealous, upset, angry, insecure or unforgiving?

What to do if your partner is cheating 

First, deal with your emotions - shock, anger, sadness, scared, betrayed, resentment, and perhaps even jealousy.  After you calm down and have a clearer head, decide whether you want to stay in the relationship.  No matter which you decide, you will need to confront your partner.  If you pretend nothing is wrong in hopes that everything will just work out, you have not changed anything so you will just fester and become more angry and resentful, which will only manifest later.

If you want to stay in the relationship, you will have to re-establish trust... which will be extremely difficult but not impossible.  You and your partner have to be completely honest with each other in order to move forward.  Your partner has to acknowledge wrongdoing on their part, accept responsibility for what happened, and make efforts to reconnect with you (including cutting contact from the person they were with).  You both need to try to understand the reasons your partner strayed as well as the weaknesses in your relationship, so that you both can fix them.  Seek counseling, as an objective third party who is experienced in dealing with this area can be a mediator and help you both realize issues and create solutions that you cannot on your own.