On my last post, Why first dates fail, I noted how important it is to learn from unsuccessful dates. So I will share my worst first date and what it taught me. I have had multiple bad first dates, but there is one that stands out. This date was over two years ago, so I will try to recall the sequence of events and relevant details as best I can. I met "Adam" on a dating website. We exchanged a couple of brief emails and spoke once on the phone before we met. He was not a great phone conversationalist (for example, he was eating steak while we were talking on the phone). My friend convinced me to meet him anyway because some people are not great conversationalists on the phone, yet are better in person.
Adam and I decided to meet at a bar in Manhattan on a Friday night. When I first saw Adam, I immediately knew that his photos online were at least several years old. He looked older and had gained weight since the photos were taken. He had told me over the phone about his upcoming birthday, so shortly after I introduced myself and sat down at the bar, I wished him a happy 39th birthday (his online profile said he was 38). He then admitted that he actually turned 41. Two strikes already... and we were only a couple of minutes into the date.
We ordered drinks - Adam ordered an alcoholic drink and I ordered a ginger ale (I cannot tolerate much alcohol). Over the next hour, we talked about various topics. Among those topics, Adam mentioned that he wanted to start a family soon, and later said he would like to travel around the world to help people. I suggested joining the Peace Corps but he did not know what that was. I subsequently explained that the Peace Corps was an American organization that sends volunteers to foreign countries to help fulfill their needs. I also commented that perhaps Adam may think about joining soon if his goal was to start a family in America over the next few years. He subsequently laughed and stated that having young children would not be a hindering factor for joining the Peace Corps since he would leave them with their mother in America.
A couple of other things irked me at various points on the date. Adam laughed inappropriately for prolonged periods at things that were not funny. (He was not drunk at any point during the date.) He was also fidgety, as if he had ADHD. This increased level of activity was congruent with his life. He informed me that he had multiple activities occurring simultaneously because he was easily bored. He was in the process of buying properties, learning Spanish (so he could conduct business in Latin America), and starting his own line of purses (at that point in the conversation, he caressed my purse and complimented the fabric). I did not have an issue with someone being involved in numerous projects, as long as the person could handle them. I was just not sure whether Adam's constant fidgeting was an indication of mental hyperactivity, and that he had difficulty focusing on one thing, and therefore, ended up with multiple incomplete projects.
I was not enjoying myself on the date and could not wait to leave. However, I sat through the entire date and carried the conversation politely. We departed at the end of the date without mention of follow-up plans (such as "I'll call you" or "I had a good time, let's do this again"). I deleted his phone number as soon as I left the bar.
The weekend passed and Adam texted me on Monday to ask if I wanted to go out with him again - this time to Chinatown (I had mentioned on the date that I occasionally go there). I texted that I was not interested, and thought that was the end of the conversation. However, he replied asking why. I never had a guy ask me for the reason I declined a second date. But I did not want to be rude by ignoring him, so I replied that we had different values. I gave the example of how he would not mind joining the Peace Corps and traveling abroad for a prolonged period if we had started a family. I would want the father of my children to be present, especially when they were young. Adam subsequently texted that he was currently at a bank yet could not stop laughing out loud. He thought his traveling had nothing to do with how good I was as a mother. I explained that I was not concerned about it affecting my abilities as a mother, but that I wanted my children to have their father around. I said that we had different values, and that no one was right or wrong. Our values were just different and I respected his. He stated that I was so funny, I should be on a comedy show and that he could not wait to have drinks with his friend that night to show him our text conversation so they could have a big laugh. At that point, I stopped texting him.
So what did I learn?
1. I should have stopped texting him much earlier. There was no need to explain why I was not interested in a second date after I (politely) declined the offer. I thought it was rude not to respond, but in retrospect, it would not have been inappropriate. (If we have had several dates, then I think I owed him a reason.) You open a can of worms when you give a reason.
2. I should have stopped texting after he went on and on. I felt the need to explain myself but he was neither logical nor respectful (probably to any explanation I would have provided for not wanting a second date).
3. If someone is a poor phone conversationalist, they are unlikely to be a great conversationalist in person. (This is different from people who merely prefer speaking with someone in person rather than on the phone.)
4. My instincts were accurate. I was correct in concluding (very soon after we met on the date) that he was not the one for me, and the text conversation confirmed it.
5. People handle rejection differently. Adam's way was to ridicule the other person. (See my post on How to handle rejection in dating.)
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