What men and women dislike about the other

No relationship nor partner will be perfect.  There will inevitably be something that bothers you.  However, there are some qualities that men and women frequently dislike about the other.

Qualities men often dislike about women:
Nags

Tells him what to do all the time

Tries to change him
Compares him to past boyfriends

Frequently blames or criticizes him
Takes too long to get ready
Takes a long time to shop or try on clothes
Moody/cranky

Catty

Inflexible

Close-minded
Picky or small eater
Needy or clingy

Overly sensitive

Gold digger, expects him to always pay

Qualities women often dislike about men:

Emotionally closed

Selfish or inconsiderate

All talk, no action

Arrogant
Cannot commit
Checks out other women
Incompetent
Poor conversationalist (in person or over phone)

Poor listener
Messy or dirty
Body odor

Please see my posts on What impresses women and men, Conflict resolution, and Tips for communication.

Conflict resolution

There will inevitably be conflicts in every long-term relationship.  Expect them.  What is important is how you handle them.  You have the choice of being proactive and working it out with your partner, or keeping quiet and hope things resolve on their own (but this will less likely happen). 

We are storytellers

Some conflicts arise from seeing or hearing something "suspicious."  We then invent stories, or add meaning or motive, to explain what happened.  These made up stories may or may not be accurate, but we develop emotions and form judgement based on our perception of what happened.  Finally, we act upon these perceptions, usually when we are in an emotional state.  For example, you see your boyfriend's credit card receipt from a florist but he has not recently bought you flowers (the suspicious act).  So you figure he must be seeing another woman (your invented story).  You become angry (your emotion) and go through his apt, computer and phone to see if you can find more evidence of an affair (acting upon emotion).  Shortly afterwards, he comes home to find his apt trashed and you start frantically accusing him of cheating.

In such situations, it is best to be objective and not emotional.  Think of the facts and ask yourself: 

What other explanations can there be?  
Why would a reasonable person do this?  
What objective evidence is there to support my story? 

When to complain

If there is an issue, it is best to talk about it with your partner.  This does not mean to complain about everything that bothers you.  Complaining should serve a purpose: 1) you are upset and need to vent, or 2) it is an attempt to make a change for the better.

If there is something you dislike or are upset about, think about whether you need to actually confront the other person:
Is it your problem or theirs?  It is your problem if your needs are not being met.   
Does it bother or affect you to the point that you need to intervene?  
Is the issue worth confronting them? 

You may not always be able change other people, but you can change yourself.  You can change your perceptions, emotions, actions and habits.  Once you decide that the problem extends beyond you or what you can do, requires a change or input from your partner, and/or is a problem worth discussing, have the talk with your partner early so your emotions will not fester and blow up later.  Think about what you would like to say, and how you would phrase it.  Imagine possible reactions and responses your significant other may have, and how you would handle each scenario.

Having the discussion
Some people are brutally blunt and may use the excuse that they are just being honest if they hurt someone's feelings.  But one is not restricted to being honest and attacking, or being kind and withholding.  There is usually a way to be honest yet respectful.  

During your conversation, focus on the issue and motive.  Think about what you really want for yourself, your partner, and the relationship.  Clarify what you want and do not want.  Perhaps you want your partner to change something about themselves, or just to have your opinion heard.  If the conversation gets heated and digresses from these objectives, refocus and steer the conversation back.

The tone of the conversation should be relaxed yet firm.  If you are addressing a complaint or issue, first state the facts since one cannot argue with the facts.  Do not give opinions.  (I found your credit card receipt from the florist).  Then explain your side/story so they see why you are upset (I thought you may be having an affair because that is how my friend found out her husband was cheating on her).  Then ask for your partner's explanation and feelings (My friend's mother passed away so I was sending flowers to the funeral).

If you are addressing a behavior, first describe the behavior objectively in detail.  (You leave dirty dishes in the sink without washing them for weeks.)  Give examples of recent instances.  (That happened the last three times your friends came over to watch a football game.)  Next, state the consequence of that behavior.  (When the sink is full, it is difficult to use it and cook.)  Then describe your feelings about that behavior and its consequence.  (That makes me frustrated.)  Avoid mentioning your partner's character or personality.  Lastly, pause to hear their response.

Make the discussion "safe"
Actively listen to what your significant other has to say.  Do not just hear what you want.  Clarify information if needed.  Genuinely try to understand them and the message they are telling you.  Focus on their content of speech, emotions, tone of voice, and body language.  Do not interrupt, attack, or be judgmental.  If your partner feels disrespected, attacked or humiliated, they will become defensive or upset, and act on those emotions.  Look for signs of these in their tone of voice and body language.  If you see such signs, do not respond by getting defensive or emotional.  Instead, make your significant other feel safe that they can freely share their thoughts without any negative consequence.

Make the discussion safe by:
1.  Reminding your partner of your goal - you are trying to help them, or attempting to work out a solution for your differences.

2.  Encouraging your significant other to talk about the (real) reason they are upset.  Paraphrase (not parrot) their response and confirm that it is correct (so you truly hear and understand them).  If they are silent, state your hypotheses as to why you think they are upset.

3.  Apologizing when appropriate - but do not constantly apologize.  (I didn't mean to offend you.  I just wanted to be honest and talk to you about the issue so we can work it out.  Our relationship is important to me.)

The solution/compromise
After you hear your partner's response, it is time to work on the solution or compromise.  You may or may not have a solution ready to propose, but talking about it with your significant other may help the two of you arise at other potential solutions together.  A solution that is formulated together will likely work out better than one that you or your partner thought of alone.

If your partner agrees to make a change, work out a fair solution and decide on specifics - who does what by when, and when/how to follow-up on the progress.  (See my posts on Advice for relationships and Can people change?)  If your significant other does not want to change, ask for one specific small change or small changes over time, since they are more likely to agree to that.  If you end up disagreeing, find one thing to agree on and build on that.  At a minimal, you can agree to disagree.

Ways to soften the criticism

1.  Mention your own mistakes before criticizing your significant other.

2.  Avoid "absolute" words (always, never) or negative words/phrases (stupid, bad, worst, hate, I don't like).  Instead, substitute with softer words/phrases (usually, rarely, suboptimal, less than perfect, not my favorite, less preferable, room for improvement, I prefer x over y).  Or use "not" in front of the opposite meaning (stupid = not the smartest, bad = not great/good, worst = not the best).

3.  Do not label your significant other.  (You are a dumb jerk.)  That one bad habit they have may be dumb but it does not make them a dumb person.

4.  Start with "I" to express negative feelings and avoid accusing.  Instead of, You make me feel dumb when you correct my grammar in front of friends, say, I feel dumb when you correct my grammar in front of friends.  Or state from an "objective" standpoint.  I feel dumb when my grammar is corrected in front of friends.  Then add, I know that is not your intention.  Could you please not correct my grammar, at least not in front of friends?

5.  Mention something positive relevant to the issue.  (This discussion made me feel closer to you since it proved I can openly talk to you about how I feel.)

6.  Help your partner save face.  Make the issue seem easy to correct or the change easy to make.

7.  Acknowledge any improvement your significant other may have already made in their bad habit/behavior.

How to handle being criticized
If you are on the receiving end of the criticism/complaint, avoid the natural reaction to be defensive or emotional.  Do not ignore/deny the criticism or excuse your behavior.  Instead, ask for details behind the criticism (who, what, when, where, why, how), and for specific examples of the "problem" behavior.  Explain your reasons, thoughts, and/or feelings.  Agree with the things your partner stated that were true and reiterate those points.  (You're right that I usually don't take out the garbage.)  But do not put yourself down or label yourself.  (I am selfish.)  Just because there is one thing that your partner does not like (she finds your picking your nose in front of her annoying) does not mean it generalizes to you as a person (you are an annoying person).

Think of your motive - to win/be right or for the relationship to work?  If you agree to change, then state specifically what you will do differently.  If you do not want to change, then agree with parts of your partner's complaint that you think are true.  If there is nothing you agree with, at a minimum, you can agree that your significant other has the right to their opinion.  Disagree with what you think is inaccurate, and provide proof or examples.

Please see my other post for more Tips for communication.

Tips for communication

Communication is one of the key elements crucial to any successful relationship, not just those that are romantic.  Here are some suggestions I learned over the years for better communication. 

Be clear 
1.  Readback feedback
In situations where it is important that you hear or understand your partner correctly (such as discussions involving plans or division of labor, requests to do something, or your partner is expressing negative feelings), paraphrase what your partner tells you.  Paraphrasing confirms you are both on the same page so there will be no misunderstanding. 

An example where this would have been useful is an instance where I had told my partner to meet me at 42nd St subway station.  But he thought I said 47th street (the two numbers do sound similar).  We got into an argument over what was actually said since we both waited an hour for the other person (our phones did not work underground).  This could have been easily avoided if I just asked him to confirm where we were meeting.

2.  Be careful about using pronouns.  Use the actual nouns the pronouns refer to instead.  For example, if you say, I don't like it, be specific about what "it" is.  Your partner may mistaken "it" for something else.

3.  Be specific.  Your partner is not a mind reader.  We are all guilty of having bickered due to a misunderstanding from omitting details or assuming our significant other knew what we were thinking.  

Guy:  Sweetheart, I got the eggs you asked for.

Girl:  These are large eggs.  I wanted jumbo.

Guy:  You didn't tell me that.  You just said to buy a dozen eggs.

Girl:  You should know!  Jumbo is the only size of eggs we ever have in the frig.

Guy:  You are the one in charge of buying groceries and cooking.  I can't tell the size of the egg when it is cooked!

Girl:  You never notice anything!

4.  Explain your thought process
Describe your thought process or reasoning before making your concluding statement or asking your question.  Your partner will then understand you better and not jump to conclusions.  For example, my friend's girlfriend got mad when he asked if he could start calling her his "girlfriend" after dating for a month.  She was upset because she had already assumed she was his girlfriend.  Her anger could have been prevented if he had started the conversation with, Some people do not consider themselves boyfriend-girlfriend until a certain amount of time into their relationship or after a certain milestone.  Everyone has different preferences, so I want to be respectful and would like to know if it is ok that I start calling you my girlfriend.

5.  Write things down

Sometimes it is helpful to write things down to be clear or as a reminder. 

Be honest

"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - Sir Walter Scott 

Do not lie.  It will only lead to more lies to cover up the first one.  You will also feel the burden of having to remember what you lied about.  However, you do not have to always confess the entire truth if the details are minor.  For example, your girlfriend asks the dreaded question, Does this dress make me look fat?  Even though you think it does, you can reply, I think the dress you had on last week is more flattering because the cut emphasized your figure better.  This response leads to the outcome you want (her not wearing the dress she currently has on), yet avoids lying or hurting her feelings, and sprinkles a little praise.

Some of my friends have a completely open and honest relationship with their significant other.  And other friends prefer telling white lies to avoid hurting their partner's feelings.  I understand the latter perspective, but personally, I am a proponent of being completely honest.  I try to be honest without being hurtful.  I think my partner would appreciate the truth, especially if they know my intention is good (i.e., to be open and honest) and I tell them the truth tactfully without attacking, disrespecting, or ridiculing them.

As an example, your girlfriend asks you, What do you think of my cooking?  Even though you do not enjoy her cooking, telling her you like it may be more harmful over the long-term.  You have to endure her cooking each time, and she may cook more often because she thinks you enjoy her food.  Instead of saying, I don't like your cooking, you can say, Thank you for all the work and effort you put into cooking.  I like the x dishes that you make (name one or two).  But for the y dish, it would be even better if but you just add a little more sauce. 

Complain without complaining
1.  Focus on the positive
One way to make a change without complaining (since it is negative reinforcement), is to praise your partner immediately after they do something you like (positive reinforcement).  Or if your partner has not done what you want yet, tell them what you would like (do not mention what you dislike).  And your partner will want to start doing it, and/or do it more often.  For example, you think your boyfriend uses too much pressure during massages.  Instead of complaining that he is hurting you, tell him, I like it when you massage me, especially when you use light pressure.  This gets your point across without hurting his feelings or seem like you are complaining. 

2.  Give your partner a reputation to live up to
When you declare that your partner is great at something (you should be honest about this!), they will want to perpetuate that reputation.  For example, You are great at keeping the lawn beautiful.  But I've been noticing some weeds lately.  Would you mind taking care of that? 

3.  Act cool when you "complain"
You may merely be stating an observation but it may come across as a complaint.  For example, I am hungry and there is no food in the refrigerator.  So be careful about your tone of voice and body language.  If you appear angry, it will seem like a complaint.  If you appear cool and calm, it will seem like an observation instead.  Follow your statement with your thought process that led to the statement, or by saying a change you will make/want made.  It will help your partner understand why you feel the way you do, and makes you seem like a problem solver.  It will also make your statement seem more of an observation and less of a complaint.  For example, you can follow the prior "hungry statement" with, I am going out to buy some food.  Do you want me to bring back anything for you?

4.  The feedback sandwich

First praise the person, follow with the criticism, and end with another praise.  This method helps lessen the blow of the criticism.  If done well, the other person may not even know you criticized them.  You are a very good public speaker.  What would make you even better would be if you spoke a little more slowly.  This way, people can fully hear you and appreciate the great points you are making. 

5.  Ask questions instead of giving orders
Forming your idea or request as a question will plant the seed for your partner to do it.  For example, instead of telling your partner to switch cell phone providers to the cheaper one you found, ask, I found cell phone provider A is cheaper than B.  Do you think it would be a good idea to switch?

6.  Point out your partner's mistake indirectly
Instead of telling your significant other that they did something wrong, state what is wrong without mentioning your partner was the cause.  For example, instead of saying, You forgot to clean up the water off the kitchen floor so I slipped, you can say, There was water on the kitchen floor that was not cleaned up and I slipped.  The latter statement is less accusatory yet conveys the same information.

7.  Use positive words/phrases
Positive phrases such as "even better" or "this is good already but it would be great if" make it seem that something is already wonderful, but there is still room for improvement. 

Using "I want to be respectful of your..." conveys the impression that you are thinking of the other person's best interest (hopefully, this is true!).  For example, your colleague has a dentist appointment soon but is in a talkative mood and you wish they would leave so you can do some work.  You can interrupt by saying, I enjoy chatting with you but want to be respectful of your time.  Didn't you say you have an appointment you need to get to?  

Please see my post on Conflict resolution.

Nonverbal communication

Communication is not restricted to just the content of speech (i.e., words used).  Tone of voice and body language are other ways of communicating.  What a person says may not be what they mean or really want.  Of these three factors, body language is the most indicative of what a person really wants, followed by tone of voice, and content is the least important.  For example, the word, "please" can be spoken in various ways/tones to express a different connotation: "please" in being polite during a request, "pleeeeeease" while pleading for a favor, or "puh-LEASE" in sarcasm or disgust.  Be aware of your (and your partner's) emotions and tone of voice.  Make sure the content of your words match your tone of  voice and body language.

Your partner
1.  Actively listen to your partner and hear what they are trying to tell you.  Be genuinely interested in what they say/do.  See things from their perspective.

2.  Praise and appreciate the things your significant other does.  Everyone craves acknowledgement.  Make them feel important, and do it sincerely.

3.  Say your partner's name when you talk to them.  We are narcissistic creatures and like the sound of our names. 

4.  If you want your partner to talk more, encourage them to talk about themselves or topics they are interested in.  Use open-ended questions:
How...?  
What...?  
Why...?  
What are your thoughts?  
I value your opinion and am interested to hear your thoughts on this matter.

5.  You two are on the same team.  So their problems are yours too.  Encourage your significant other to talk about anything that bothers them.  Treat it as importantly as if it was your own.  And tackle the problem together.

Advice for relationships: Lessons learned

Although I have not had many long-term relationships, I have learned from them, and hope to take these lessons with me to future relationships. 

Communicate.  Communicate.  Communicate.

Communication is instrumental to any successful relationship.  Your partner is not a mind reader.  Do not assume they know exactly what you are thinking or want.  A lot of disagreements arise due to poor communication.  Therefore, it is important to clearly communicate your thoughts and feelings.  Please see my post on Tips for communication.

Compromise
Every couple have differences and arguments.  In those instances, think about what your goal is - to win/be right or to have a good relationship?  This does not mean to always give in, but to listen to each other, objectively evaluate the situation, and not act on emotions.  You want your partner to feel comfortable that they can share anything with you without being disrespected, attacked, or instantly proven wrong.  Try to understand from the other person's perspective, and explain your own thoughts and feelings.  Be calm and respectful during the discussion.  Do not bring up irrelevant issues or past events.  Work out something that is fair and ideally benefits both of you, or at least a situation where it is not only one person who makes all the sacrifice.  When one person wins, both partners in the relationship actually lose. 

Compromise but don't compromise who you are

Inherently in a relationship, there are issues and differences in opinions, values, beliefs, styles, preferences, "personal cultures," habits, and lifestyles.  We all have to compromise in relationships for things to work.  However, it is important not to compromise who you are.  Think about the changes you are making, being asked to make, or feel you should make for the sake of the relationship.

Ask yourself:

How minor or major are the changes?  
Are the changes for my benefit, my partner's, or the relationship's?  
Are the changes reasonable to ask of me to be made?  
Do the changes affect the core of who I am? 
How comfortable do I feel making these changes?
 

Minor changes are easy.  For major changes, make those you feel are necessary, reasonable and comfortable with.  Voice any changes you do not feel comfortable with, or that you should not be making.  Also, the same partner should not always be the one accommodating to the other person.  A relationship is only successful when both partners work towards it.  Please see my forum on Can people change?

An example of a change I have made is to start exercising.  I have not exercised in years because my schedule is hectic.  However, a health-conscious boyfriend encouraged me to exercise.  There is actually no excuse I can give for not exercising since it benefits my health.  Not only does it benefit me, but it also benefits our relationship because it is an activity we can do together.  He encourages me to exercise, but he does not push me.  He understands that exercising regularly is not a minor change since I have to make time for it in my busy schedule and it takes effort.  So he helps me to start slowly - both in terms of frequency (to accommodate my schedule) and intensity of exercise (so I do not get too sore at the beginning).

An example of a change that was requested by another partner was not to hang out with my male friends.  I did not feel comfortable with this change.  It was a major and unreasonable change that only benefited my partner. 

Please see my post on Conflict resolution.

Know your partner well

Things seem great at the beginning of a relationship.  Everything is new and exciting.  There is passion.  Both partners are on their best behavior.  But it is important to know who your partner truly is.  This will only happen with time.  Therefore, it may be preferable not to rush into things (such as marriage) until you know your partner better (and they know you better).  This may take more than a year.  If your partner and you are truly compatible and meant to be together, then waiting a little until marriage will not make a big difference - you will still be together, it is just a matter of what your status is.  Waiting is a small price to pay since you may potentially avoid committing to the wrong person.

Listen to your friends and family
You may be blind to your partner's imperfections, especially under love's spell or the passion of a new relationship.  Your friends and family are more objective, so if multiple people have concerns about your new partner, listen to them.  This does not mean to solely rely on their opinions to determine who you date, but do not immediately disregard what they are saying.  Listen to them and then decide for yourself whether your new relationship is something you really want or is good for you. 

Love alone does not sustain a relationship

Of course love is fundamental to a relationship.  But love alone cannot make a relationship last without other essential elements.  Make sure your priorities are compatible - Do you both want a long-term relationship/marriage?  Agree to have children?  Do your priorities/goals/dreams conflict?  (See my post on Progress report - Five months of online dating.)  Also be practical, logical, and realistic - Do you have the financial means to be together?  Do you agree to live at the same place/city?  Do you have religious differences that may be problematic?

Live together before marriage
There is a big difference between dating and marriage.  One step towards knowing whether you will be compatible in marriage is the intermediary step of living together.  Many things are revealed while living together that are not obvious while dating or staying over at your partner's place for short periods of time.  You will see whether your living styles, habits, routines, and/or schedules are compatible or tolerable.  For example, after moving in with a partner, I learned that we were not compatible because he refused to do any chores or pay part of the rent.

Appreciate your partner
Everyone wants to be acknowledged and appreciated.  When the novelty of a relationship fades, we come to expect things to be done because they become routine, and we take things and people for granted.  Therefore, it is important to show appreciation by saying "thank you" (or by giving small gifts) for even the little things.

Spend time together

When the relationship is new, you want to spend a lot of time with your partner.  After the novelty fades, you spend time apart.  It is important to still do things together, preferably something new occasionally to keep things fresh and away from the old routines.  Even though you both may have busy schedules, set aside time to do something together.  (See my post on Ideas for dates.)  The two of you doing your own work in the same living space does not count.  You do not want your partner to just be a good roommate.  You want to be an integral part in each other's lives - to truly connect with one another on various levels. 

Have a life outside your partner
Even though you should be actively involved in your partner's life, it is also important to maintain your own friends and hobbies.  Spending time away from the relationship allows both partners to have their own personal space, and the chance to "miss" and appreciate the other.  When you see your partner again, you can talk about the new insights and experiences you had.  In addition, should your relationship end, it is helpful to have friends to help you move on. 

Do not waste time

If you are unhappy in the relationship or think the relationship will not work, do not waste your time or your partner's time - move on.  There may be many excuses you have for not breaking up (e.g., they will be very hurt, they need me, it is difficult to ask them to move out), but ending the relationship earlier than later will be more respectful to them.  Allowing them to stay in an unhappy relationship prevents them from finding someone who can provide them with the attention and happiness they deserve.  Please see my posts on How to reject someone and How to handle rejection in dating.

How to handle rejection in dating

Rejection is a part of many aspects of life, and dating is certainly no exception.  (See my post on How to reject someone in dating.)  I do not know one person who has never been rejected, no matter how attractive, powerful or wonderful they are.  Even celebrities and models get rejected.

Of course rejections sucks.  But like many things in life, it's not so much what happens to you, but how you handle it.  The same situation can occur to two people but the way in which they perceive and react may differ, leading to completely different outcomes.

REJECTED FOR A DATE

It's not always you
Just because they rejected your offer for a date, it does not mean they are rejecting you as a person.  They do not know you well enough to reject you as a person.  Their reason for declining may not even have anything (bad) to do with you:
-  they are already in a relationship
-  they just got out of a relationship and are not ready to date
-  they have a preference for a certain "type"
-  they are having a bad day
-  you remind them of their ex
-  they are moving soon and don't want to start a relationship
-  they have low-esteem and think you are too attractive or too good for them, and are concerned that the date is a joke or you will find someone better soon

Although difficult, try not to take it personally.  Remember that each encounter is unique and only pertains to that one individual in that particular situation on that day.  Do not overgeneralize and think that they are rejecting you as a person, or that everyone will reject you.

Try not to get discouraged or self-deprecating: 
There is something wrong with me.
I am not attractive.
I will never find someone.  

It's not all bad
It is a good thing they declined your offer promptly rather than going on the date only to break things off later.  They have saved you time and money.  Do not keep trying to persuade them to change their mind.  You will just end up annoying them instead of winning them over.

If they rejected your offer nicely, just say thank you and leave.  At least they will remember you were graceful and may change their mind later (so act politely - not awkwardly or embarrassed -  if you see them another day).  Another reason to be civil is that they may have some impact on your life later, and you will be glad you did not burn any bridges.  If they were mean in the way they rejected your offer (laughed, insulted or yelled at you), then just walk away.  Do not waste precious time on someone who is not interested in you, or not courteous to you. 

Improve your game
Use each rejection as a learning experience.  Practice makes perfect.  Role play with a female friend and get constructive criticism.  Observe every detail of your approach - is there anything you can improve? 

Pay attention to the other person's nonverbal communication.  Signs of interest include making eye contact, smiling, playing with their hair, turning their body towards you, leaning towards you, and gently touching your arm.  Do not approach them if they appear uninterested.  Keep track of the type of people you try to date -  are they the wrong type for you?

If you are not getting responses from people you are contacting online, perhaps it is your profile description, pictures, or what you are writing in your correspondences that is a problem.  (See my posts on  Advice for online dating profiles and How to initiate contact with someone on a dating website.)  Or perhaps you are contacting people whose criteria you do not fit.

If you are going on first dates but have trouble getting second dates, then perhaps your profile does not match your actual self, or you need to improve on something you are doing on the date.  (See my posts on Advice for first dates, What to wear on a first date, What impresses women and men, How to make yourself more physically attractive, How to make your personality more attractive, and The first date kiss.)

Try, try, and try again
It's a numbers game.  The chances are low that any person will meet someone where there is mutual physical attraction at first glance and the circumstances for both parties are favorable to be in a long-term relationship.  So do not expect that you will have a 100% success rate.  Most men do not even come close to that.  See a cool video blog from someone who goes on mini-adventures and deliberately gets rejected to become desensitized and build thicker skin: 100-days-of-rejection-therapy.

A RELATIONSHIP BREAKUP

Even though you invested time and emotion into the relationship, at least it ended when it did, and not later so you did save time.

It's him, not you
If someone broke up with you, it does not necessarily mean it was your fault.  There could be extraneous reasons:
-  they are not ready for a long-term commitment or marriage
-  they may not know what they really want in a partner
-  they have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship or partner should be
-  the relationship ran its course so the passion and novelty of a new relationship faded, and they no longer fully appreciate you for the wonderful person you are

You may be a great person, which is why the relationship lasted the duration it did, but you may not be compatible as a lifelong partner.  It takes both parties to fully appreciate each other and willingness to work on differences for the relationship to succeed.  Each relationship has rocky points and it takes a lot of effort to get through them.  Even married couples do not always do a good job at it, which accounts for the high divorce rate.

Learn from it
Each person we have been in a relationship with teaches us something.
 
What was it that you learned?  
Did you think their reason for the breakup was fair?  
If you notice a pattern in your relationship breakups, are you going after the wrong type of person?  Or is it something you are doing wrong?  Should you change it? 

Time heals all broken hearts
Have some time and space away from the other person.
Get rid of things that remind you of them.
Hang out with friends and family. 
Meet new people.
Be active in your hobbies, or get a new hobby.
Get involved in the community.  Volunteer.
Do things you could not do before while in the relationship.  Travel.

You will eventually get over them and move on.

How to reject someone in dating

One of the harder things about dating is rejecting someone and being rejected.  Most of us have experienced both sides.  It is one of the (many) things that I have learned about in dating, and continue to learn.

"BREAKIN' UP IS HARD TO DO" - Neil Sedaka

I admit that I have been chicken in the past to break up with a guy whom I was in a long-term relationship with (although there were other reasons I stayed).  I tried to let the guy break up with me instead.  Therefore, the relationship lasted longer than it should have.  I have learned that it is important to break it off as soon as I am sure I no longer want things to progress.  It is better to break up sooner than string them along and waste their (and your) time.

If you are concerned that they have deep feelings for you and will be heartbroken, that is even more reason to end things earlier.  You do not want them to become even more emotionally attached with time.  Don't worry, they will eventually get over you and move on (no offense).  If you are worried that they need you in some way, you can offer to remain friends after the breakup.  You owe it to yourself to leave a relationship in which you are unhappy and do not think will improve.  See my forum on Why we stay in unhappy relationships and post on Attracting Mr. Wrong.

METHODS TO REJECT

There are various ways to reject someone.  Think about how people have broken up with you in the past and use that as a guide.  You probably prefer being directly told in a respectful way that you were not a good match, rather than being ignored or lied to. 

1.  Be honest

This is my preferred method.  It is courteous and respectful to the other person.  Even though they were not your ideal match, they invested time and money on the date(s), so they deserve some respect.  It is important to be brief and straightforward in your rejection.  Unless you had a mini- or long-term relationship, there is no need to give them a reason why you are not interested.

Keep in mind:

It is in your best interest to be graceful when breaking up because the other person may impact your life somehow, either in the present (e.g., you have mutual friends and need to get along) or years later (e.g., they become your boss).  

Do not give false hope or mixed messages by saying things such as:

I am not interested at this time.

If the situation was different, it would probably work out between us.

If you are rejecting a friend or someone whom you have had at least a mini-relationship with, you can tell them you want to remain friends or that you are available to talk if they need - but you should only say this if you genuinely mean it.  If you stay friends, be careful that they may maintain a romantic mentality and try to get back together.  See my post on Can you be friends with an ex? 

They may become visibly upset or angry.  They may call you names, start saying/doing mean things to you, list your faults, or tell you that they were going to break up with you anyway.  Do not take it personally or feed into it.

Incredible Hulk

They may try desperately to win you back with gifts or say they will change.  Do not give in - unless you truly think things will change (see my forum on Can people change?).  Remember the reasons why you broke up in the first place.

The exception to being nice is if they were a big jerk.  Telling them simply what they did wrong may help them realize what they should not do again, although they may not change anyway.  Just be careful since telling them may make them angry and behave more of a jerk to you.

Give them some space after the breakup.  

2.  Ignore them
Some people say this will get the message across that you are not interested, and will lessen the blow of rejection.  However, it is not very nice.  This method may be appropriate though if you received correspondences via online dating and are not interested.  Or if you already rejected someone and they are persistent in persuading you to reconsider or are bothering you. 

3.  Uninterested behavior
You can give obvious hints that you are not interested.

Examples:
Not make eye contact
Say or do mean things to them
Pick fights
Not hang out with them or mutual friends
Pretend to be interested in someone else or already be in a romantic relationship

4.  Lie
You can make up a reason why you do not want to date them again to lessen the pain of rejection.  This goes along with the "It's me, not you" concept.  But it may give them hope that things may work out later when the situation changes.

Examples:
I decided to get back together with my ex. 
I realized I am just not ready for a relationship.
My work schedule is just too busy for dating.

HOW TO REJECT IN VARIOUS SCENARIOS:

1.  Correspondences via online dating 
In the culture of online dating, it is acceptable to not reply to messages if you are not interested, even if the two of you have exchanged a few emails and you subsequently lost interest.  Most of the introductory messages are very short and the person did not seem to put much effort into writing them anyway.  Some guys even have a template in which they copy and paste into each introductory email, or write to many girls to cast a wide net.  However, I may briefly reply to emails where it is evident the guy spent a lot of time and effort writing it, or if they specifically ask me to tell them whether I am interested or not.

Example:
I appreciate your interest but I don't think we're a good match.  I wish you the best of luck in your search.

2.  Someone asks you out on a first date (outside of online dating)
Reply with something polite and simple.  No need to give a reason why you are declining.

Examples:
I am flattered, but unfortunately, I do not feel the same way.
I think you are a cool person but I am afraid the feeling is not mutual.

3.  After 1-2 dates
Gentlemen:  If you did not imply that you wanted to see her again, then most guys just do not contact the girl again.  However, if you said something that implies a potential future date, but decided not to see her again, then it is fair to tell her soon (at least by text or email) so she does not wait for you to ask her out again.

Example:
I enjoyed your company, but after giving it more thought, I do not see this going further romantically.  I apologize if I gave you the wrong impression earlier.

Ladies:  If you did not imply that you wanted to see him again, then you do not have to do anything (i.e., reject him) if he does not ask you for another date.  If he does ask you out again, then it is courteous to gently tell him no.

Examples:
I had a good time but I do not see this going further romantically.  
Thank you for the date but I didn't feel a connection.  I wish you all the best.

However, if you said something that implies a potential future date, but decided not to see him again, then it is fair to tell him.  You should not say "yes" to another date just because you feel bad you gave him that impression earlier.  It will just prolong everything and waste everyone's time (and his money).

Example:
I enjoyed your company, but after giving it more thought, I do not see this going further romantically.  I apologize if I gave you the wrong impression earlier.

4.  After 3+ dates
Because there has been a decent amount of investment (emotional, time, monetary), the other person deserves to be told that you do not think it will work - at least by phone, or in person if the relationship has been longer. 

 
METHOD OF COMMUNICATION


Whether you break up via text, email, phone, or in person depends on the length of the relationship and primary method in which you have been communicating during the relationship.  The longer the relationship, the breakup should be done in person (or at least over the phone).  If you have been seeing each other often (rather than primarily talking on the phone or texting), then you should break up in person.

What to wear on a first date

It is ironic how in the animal kingdom that it is generally the male who is more colorful and adorned to attract the female.  The classic example is the peacock.  However, for humans, it is typically the female who dresses up and accessorizes to impress the other gender.  

You only get one first impression.  So make it a good one.  One male friend told me that it is very important that the woman initially looks attractive because men carry this mental image of her even years later when they are old and wrinkled, so the woman will still seem as beautiful in her old age as she was early in their relationship.  This may not hold true for every man, but you can decide whether the person is a potential partner - or at least worthy of a second date - as quickly as within 5 minutes of meeting.  Your appearance (which includes attire, accessories, hair and makeup) is part of your nonverbal communication and says a lot about you. 

General tips

Wear clothes that are clean, comfortable, presentable (no wrinkles, stains or holes), and fit well.  Wearing clothes that look good on you helps you feel more confident, which translates into carrying yourself better.

Your outfit should be appropriate for the time of day, venue and weather.  Generally, the attire is more casual during the day, and more formal in the evening.  If you are unsure how formally to dress, it is better to overdress (slightly) than underdress.

If you know your date's particular preferences (such as a favorite color or type of clothing), you can try to accommodate but generally your outfit should provide insight into your personal style and personality.  Along that line of thought, do not try a new look or hairstyle on the first date.

I recommend not wearing clothes or shoes that you have not worn before.  You do not know whether they will be comfortable, need constant readjusting, or "misbehave" (unzip, unbutton or tear).  If you do decide to wear them anyway, remember to remove the tags! 

Ladies

Although men have it easier when it comes to choosing an outfit for a date, we have the advantage of having a wider wardrobe selection so we can choose clothes that fit our specific body shape.  We can use our wardrobe to display and accentuate our best feature(s) and hide our worst one(s), drawing your date's attention on the part(s) you want.  But do this discreetly without revealing too much skin.  You want to appear appropriate and classy, not trashy.  For example, if you have a fuller bust, wearing a v-neck or wrap dress will be flattering (just don't show too much cleavage though).  If you have attractive legs, wear skinny jeans/pants or an above-the-knee skirt (just not above mid-thigh).

For a feminine touch, emphasize the thinnest part of your torso.  If you have an hourglass figure, draw attention to your waist and hips by wearing an A-line skirt with a fitted top, a pencil skirt with a tucked shirt/blouse, a dress/skirt with a peplum, or a belt.  If you do not have an hourglass figure, an empire cut may be flattering instead.

Think of yourself as a piece of artwork.  Your body is the paper.  Your clothes are the paint.  Do not be afraid to wear vibrant colors.  Wearing all black may be slimming, but bright colors make you (or certain parts of you - the parts you want) stand out.  Like any piece of artwork, visual balance is important.  For example, reveal either your graceful neckline or nice legs, not both (you don't want to reveal too much on the first date).  Similarly, if you wear a loose-fitting top, wear skinny jeans instead of loose-fitting pants.  And heels go well with skinny jeans.

Accentuate your best asset so that you can control the focus. Wear a fitted turtleneck or dangly earrings to bring attention to your face.

My personal preference for makeup is to wear enough that it enhances your face but not too much that you appear trashy or like a clown.  At a minimum, I recommend covering up blemishes or dark circles under the eyes (with foundation, concealer, cover-up or BB cream) and wearing red lipstick (research has shown men are attracted towards it).  If you want to do more, making your eyes stand out and wearing blush would further enhance your face.

For more tips, please see my posts on How to make yourself more physically attractive and How to make your personality more attractive. 

No-No's 
-  Clothes that are too revealing, short or tight, or have too much cleavage.  You do not want to give the wrong impression.  If the date goes well, you will have subsequent dates to show more skin.
-  No bra
-  Clothes that are too trendy - unless your date is in fashion or your style is actually to be trendy
-  Too much makeup or glitter
-  Too many accessories
-  Hats
-  Sweats
-  Huge purses
-  Uncomfortable shoes
-  UGGs - men do not seem to love them the way women do

Example of what not to wear

Gentlemen

Men have a limited selection of outfits to wear on a date.  Generally, it is safe to wear a tucked-in dress shirt (long-sleeve preferred over short-sleeve), polo shirt, or sweater with slacks or dark jeans and a nice pair of shoes.  A (sports or blazer) jacket is optional for dinner dates and other nighttime events.  Match the color of your belt with the shoes.

Do not wear t-shirts (especially one with a controversial reference) or sneakers unless the date involves physical activity such as hiking.

The online dating game: How to get a date

After you have signed up on an online dating website, the fun starts!  (See my post on Advice for signing up.)  Each dating website operates differently, but it generally gives you at least a few matches each day.  It is important that you are accurate when specifying what you want in a partner because the matches they give you are based on those specifications.  The websites usually allow you to search for other people as well. 

Screening matches
Go through your list of matches, results of your own search, or the list of people who has viewed or contacted you.  The websites vary in terms of how much information they provide on the thumbnail profile - picture only, picture with a few basic details, or a summary profile.  Some people may automatically reject someone based on the photo on the thumbnail profile, so it is extremely important to have good pictures (especially your primary one - see my post on Advice for online dating profiles).  If you are unsure about someone based on their primary photo, click to see whether they have other pictures and look at their full profile.  If you are still unsure based on their appearance, ask yourself, "If this person turns out to have all the qualities of my ideal partner, would I fall for them given how they look?"  If the answer is no, then move on.

Contacting matches
There are various options to contact someone you are interested in.  (Options differ by websites.)  See my post on How to initiate contact with someone on a dating website. 

1.  Email
This is the best and most preferred method of correspondence.  It allows you to personalize the correspondence and tailor your message to their profile.  Emailing generally has the highest rate of response since it is more personal and allows your personality to shine.  Your personal email address will not be visible to the other person, as it goes through the website.

Examples of actual (bad) emails I have received: 

"Hey Buddy , what's up. How u doing ." 

"hi Sexy" 

"R you just as Hot as it outside today?"

"You seem awesome. Do you want to play a game so we can get to know each other? You send me five questions about anything you want to know. I'll answer them and send you back five of my own. You down?" 

2.  Instant Message
You can chat with them online.  However, this requires that they are logged onto the site at the time you are, and will accept your invitation to chat.

3.  Call or text
You can call or text them via the website without your (or their) personal phone number being known.  Calling may be difficult because it requires both of you being available to speak at the same time without previously scheduling it.

4.  Send pre-set questions
The website may have a set of questions for you to answer.  You can send the same questions to someone to see whether they match you and your answers/values/interests.

5.  Wink or Icebreaker
This is the simplest form of demonstrating interest.  It is a simple sign that says you are interested.  However, some people perceive this as laziness that you did not take the time to write an email.  It is also less personal and less effective than email.

6.  Like

There is an icon which allows you to tell someone that you like them or their photo(s).  However, sometimes I comment on a cool photo but am not necessarily interested in the person romantically.

7.  Favorite or archive
You can save the profiles you like into a separate section.  This reminds you of people you are interested in, have already contacted, or want to contact in the future.  However, for the website I am using, I use the archive folder for people I do NOT want to contact, and leave the prospects on my active list.

Getting the date
If you send out a simple sign of interest (such as a wink or like), eventually you will need to advance communication to learn more about them, usually through email.  The first email is generally brief and introductory.  It should comment on their profile, include information about you (background, fun/unique facts), things you have in common, and may consist of a couple of questions about the person or their profile.  Subsequent emails are more detailed.  After exchanging a few emails, if you are still interested, I recommend talking on the phone before meeting in person.  That can screen some people out, so you do not waste time and money going on the actual date.

Arrange a day and time when you are both available to chat on the phone.  If you end up being unavailable at that time, text or email them to reschedule.  Do not tell someone you will chat and then end up not calling, or not picking up/calling back soon.  It gives them a bad impression of you and you may not get a second chance with them.

If you get stuck not knowing what to talk about, discuss things on your or their profile.  Or refer to my post on Questions to ask on a first date.  If the phone conversation(s) goes well, simply tell them that you enjoy chatting with them and ask if they would be interested in meeting.

You may have incredible chemistry via phone/text/email, but the chemistry may not be present when you meet in person.  There could be various reasons: they may not look like their pictures, have a weird mannerism/behavior, act differently in person, or not be kind to you or others (such as the wait staff at a restaurant).  You will not be able to tell these things by phone/text/email, only in person.  Therefore, I suggest not allowing too much time to pass before meeting.

If you do not get a response...
If someone does not reply right away to your correspondence, it may not necessarily mean that they are not interested.  They may be busy or have not checked their messages/notifications.  However, some websites allow you to see whether they have read your message or viewed your profile, and when they were last active on the site.  The person may also deliberately wait a little as to not appear too eager.  Or they may be already dating someone.

There will be times when you have exchanged a few correspondences (or even had a seemingly good date), but you do not hear back from them even though you thought things were going well.  Do not distress or perseverate on possible explanations - Are they just busy?  Did I do/say something wrong?  It happens to everyone and does not mean something is wrong with you.  You may just not have been a good match.  Just move on. 

If someone does not respond to your original correspondence, you can remind them by sending another (simple) one at least a couple of weeks later.  However, I would not recommend sending more than a total of two correspondences.  If they are not interested, sending multiple correspondences will only annoy them, not impress or flatter them.

Keep in mind...
You will have more activity on the site soon after signing up because you are "fresh meat."  The frequency of activity slows down after you have been on the site for awhile, so there may be "dry spells" later.

Online dating is like a part-time job.  You need to invest (a lot of) time contacting people, replying to correspondences, chatting on the phone, and going on less-than-ideal dates before finding someone worthy of a long-term relationship.  Because people are advertising their best qualities online, you will likely quickly find "faults" not mentioned on their profile or that you are not a good match when you learn more about them via email/chat/meeting.

Some people prefer contacting those who are currently online or were recently active on the site.  Being inactive may imply that you are already in a relationship or do not invest time in dating.

Do not contact someone on Friday night or Saturday night, as it implies that you do not have a social life.

Do not become an online stalker.  Do not view the same person multiple times, as they may be able to see that you viewed them.  It will only creep them out.

Security tips
Some people have a separate cell phone just for dating.  Do not give out your home phone number or address, in case they want to find where you live.  They may say they want your address so they can send you flowers or a gift, but do not give it out until you know them well.

Do not give out personal information such as your last name, social security number, or financial information.

Do not send money to anyone.

If someone behaves inappropriately or suspiciously, block them from your profile and/or report them to the website.


Related posts:
Ideas for dates
Advice for first dates
What to wear on a first date
What impresses women and men
Who to date or not date 
Dating someone with children
Defining the relationship
The first date kiss
Comebacks to "Why are you still single?"
Who has it easier in the dating world - Men or Women?
Difficulties of being a woman with a successful career in dating
How to make yourself more physically attractive

Joining the world of online dating: Advice for signing up

After you have deliberated about the advantages and disadvantages of online dating, and decided to try online dating, the first step is to sign up!

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." - Lao-tzu
 So let's start!

Choose a website
There are various websites, some of which are free.  Some think that dating websites where you pay for membership tend to have people who look for more serious relationships.  However, obviously not everyone on free websites want a casual relationship, and sometimes people on paid websites will also go onto free websites.  There are also websites for specific interests such a particular type of relationship (casual, serious, polyamorous), ethnicity, religion, or profession.

Popular websites:
Paid - Match, eHarmony
Free - OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Coffee Meets Bagel

Sign up
It may take at least an hour (even a few hours) to sign up and create your profile, depending on the number of questions the website has.  Take the time to answer each question accurately.  The time you put into this can help you meet your soulmate (or at least someone who is better matched for you), so isn't that worth it?

You will need an email account to sign up so the website can send you correspondences and notifications.  I recommend having a separate email account for online dating due to the volume of emails you will receive and to separate it from your personal emails.  Do not have personal identifiers linked to your dating email account (such as having your full real name in the username) to keep anonymity in case you give out this email to potential dates.

Questions about you
There will be demographic questions such as your sexual orientation, age, height, body type, eye/hair color, where you live, relationship/children status, ethnicity, language(s) spoken, religion, education, profession, income, political views, and even astrological sign.  You may be asked about your interests/passions/skills, personality traits, values, favorite things, smoking/drinking/drug habits, exercise habits, pets, and last book(s) read.  There may also be icebreaker questions.  Depending on the website, most but not all of your answers are displayed on your profile for others to see.

Answer all questions honestly.  Some people are dishonest about their age, height (rounding up to the nearest inch is fine though), body type, or income in an attempt to get a date more easily.  However, your date will eventually find out and have a bad impression of you.  It's better to just be truthful.

Your profile
You will be asked to create a username.  Do not use your full name (for anonymity purposes) or something inappropriate (such as "big_pimping").

It is crucial to have a good profile description and pictures.  You cannot make your first impression in person.  Your profile is the only thing others will see, and you want to make yourself stand out from the thousands of competitors you have.  You can be Brad Pitt but if you sound dumb or lazy from your profile because you have multiple spelling/grammatical mistakes or a very brief profile description, you won't get as many dates.  Conversely, if you are not the most attractive but have a terrific profile, people may give you a chance.  For help with your profile, see my posts on Advice for online dating profiles and What impresses women and men. 

Examples of actual (bad) profiles I have seen:

"i;m only writng because it won't let me advance without doing this, i really don't have anything to say at this point"

"My do lists are nothing special - almost like everybody else, I don’t like describing myself to much and I don't photograph well (as you can see)"

"My favorite outfit is a spandex and tight pink tank top. when its raining I like to stay in and watch porn."

"Am a simple guy who take life with easy, which to make friends with straight forward people and i luv to meet to luv and be luv. i need love and not players. i am here to find true and real love, i do not want who can not trust. Been with me will be fun, i luv travelling and i smile alot."

 
Questions about your prospective partner

Prince Charming

There may be a battery of questions which will be used to help match you with a prospective partner.  Questions may inquire about preferences for your ideal partner's demographics, appearance, interests, personality traits, values, relationship/children status, profession/income bracket, and smoking/drinking/drug habits.  (See my post on Who to date or not date.)

- Age:  I personally use the person's preferred age parameters as a marker of maturity and the type of relationship they want.  A man in his 60s looking for a 18-25 year old woman likely wants a physical and/or casual relationship.  (I understand this may not always be the case, but it probably is.)  However, I think that a 35 year old man who is looking for a 25-40 year old woman is open-minded, appropriate and mature.  On the flip side, some people don't even regard your age preferences and will contact you even though they are not close to your stated parameters.  Although I specify that I prefer men in their early 30s to early 40s, I often get correspondences from men over 50 (even as old as 93!). 

- Location:  Think about how far you are willing to travel each time to see your partner.

- Height, body type, relationship/children status, ethnicity, religion, income, etc:  Be honest if you have specific preferences.  Otherwise, you will waste someone else's time if they contact you but you are not interested based on a specific parameter.  However, if there is the slightest chance you are willing to date outside your preferred parameters, leave the preference "open" (or have a wide range) so you don't limit prospects.

After you are done signing up and creating your profile, the fun starts!  Welcome to the world of online dating!  For the next step, please see my post on How to get a date.

Defining the relationship

What is it?
Defining the relationship means discussing with people whom you are romantically involved (or potentially involved) about what your relationship specifically is, and what you want in that relationship.  This primarily includes whether you want something short- or long-term, a casual fling, or a serious committed relationship.  But there are many types of relationships: platonic friendship, friends with romantic feelings (but nothing sexual), "friends with benefits," one-night stand, "few-night" stands, casual sex (which could be a fling that is clustered for a finite time, or on/off over long-term), serious/committed, and even non-sexual long-term partners.

You could also discuss things such as whether you are seeing (or can see) other people, how much space/time you want, what to expect in your relationship, what you want/don't want, how quickly you want to progress sexually, and boundaries.  If you both want a serious relationship, you should also discuss at some point about being mutually exclusive.

Why define the relationship?
This conversation is not easy but is important to have so there is mutual understanding about what to expect.  This is a sign of respect and prevents feelings from being hurt later if there were discrepant intentions.  It will also promote an honest and open relationship.

Who should I define the relationship with?
Have this discussion with everyone you are involved with romantically (or potentially involved with), even if it is on the first date.  You don't want to lead anyone on.  

When should I define the relationship?
It is beneficial to have this discussion early (especially the type of relationship you want - casual or serious).  I would recommend talking about it within the first couple of dates, especially before you get intimate.  You don't want to waste time pursuing a relationship that will inevitably end because you both had different agendas.  You could also feel hurt/used if you became intimate, thinking you both were in a serious relationship, only to find out later that the other person wanted something casual. 

Even if you are both seeking a serious relationship, it doesn't mean that you are mutually exclusive.  You and/or your partner may be dating other people, and haven't decided which one to become committed to yet.  Note that dating more than one person does not necessarily translate into your partner not liking you, not taking your relationship seriously, or not being able to commit to a serious long-term relationship later.

Do not assume that you are mutually exclusive after going out on a certain number of dates or after a certain number of week/months, sleeping together, or hitting a particular milestone in the relationship (such as meeting their friends/family).  It is not official until it has been explicitly discussed and agreed upon.  So when does one have this discussion?  I personally think it's best to discuss being mutually exclusive once you have decided the other person is a potential good long-term partner.

Where should I have the discussion?
Discuss this personal and important matter when you are both not rushed for time, and in a private place in case emotions run high.  The exception may be someone you are meeting for the first time.  In that case, you will most likely discuss it in a public setting since that is where you are meeting.

How should I discuss it?
Explain that you want to have this discussion so you are both on the same page and know what to expect.  You don't want to waste anyone's time (yours or theirs), nor want either one of you to get hurt.  Be direct, clear and honest.  It could be as simple as: "I am looking for a serious committed relationship, and want to make sure you are too, so that I don't waste either your or my time."  If you are discussing being mutually exclusive, tell them that you are ready to make that step because they have such wonderful qualities, and ask if they feel the same about you.

The other person may not be able to give you a yes/no answer right away.  Listen to what they have to say and what their current position is.  Discuss but don't push them to give you an absolute yes/no answer.  You sprang this important conversation topic on them, so give them time to think about it if they need. 

Dating someone who has children

A substantial portion of the men I have dated are divorced with children.  It made me think about issues to consider when dating a single parent:

Not being your partner's #1 priority
Their children will come first.  It doesn't mean that your partner doesn't care about you.  But if you think about it, your partner should prioritize their children over you.  (I would be wary of someone who does not.)  So expect that your partner may have to break a date because their child is sick.  Or your partner's schedule is less flexible because their children are with them on certain days/weekends.

It is important to be understanding of your partner's situation, but at the same time, to make sure your needs are met as well.  Discuss with your partner if your needs are not being met.  Perhaps a different arrangement or a compromise can be made so there is a win-win situation.  Otherwise, you will let things fester and be unhappy, and this will eventually adversely affect the relationship.  It is also important to have hobbies/interests that you can do when you are not with your partner, so you are not just sitting around and waiting for your "turn" with your partner, which will make you resentful.


 Restrictions on your relationship
Your dates may not all be "grown-up" dates.  Their children may tag along so the venues may not be as mature.  In addition, it may be awkward to display affection in front of their children or to stay overnight at your partner's place.  It is better to avoid doing these things, at least at the beginning.


Being involved in their children's lives
Do you even like being around children in general?  Parents view children as an extension of themselves.  So if you get into a serious relationship with your partner, you will also be in a "relationship" with their children.  It is difficult to take on the role of a parent figure without being the actual parent.  There is a fine line when it comes to things that you can/should do, such as discipline (better to leave that to the parents).  It is better to think of yourself as an addition to their family unit, rather than a replacement of the parent.  Try to be a friendly and supportive adult figure. 

Timing of meeting their children
It is best to meet their children once you and your partner decide the relationship is becoming serious.  If you and your partner are not in a committed relationship, there is a higher chance of breaking up later.  And if their children have become attached to you, they may be hurt and disappointed, as if they are going through another "divorce."

Their children's reaction to you
Your partner's children may think of you as the wicked step-parent, even if you are Mary Poppins or Maria from Sound of Music.  They may not like the fact that you are dating their parent.  It means that their parents will not get back together.  They may think you are competing with them for their parent's time and love.  They may think you are replacing them or their other parent.  Do not expect that your partner's children will treat/love you like a parent; they may even be unfriendly (hopefully, this will only be temporary).  Children do not always listen to their own parents; they will do less so with you.

Keep in mind that your interactions and relationship with your partner's children may play a factor in how your partner feels about you.  Naturally, they prefer someone who gets along with their children.

Sound of Music

It matters who their children primarily lives with
If your partner does not have primary custody of the children, then these issues may affect you less.  Your partner has more time to potentially spend with you, and the dates will be more "mature."  The issue of showing affection or staying overnight occur less frequently.  You won't see the children as often so it is less of a headache if they dislike you.  However, the disadvantage of having fewer interactions with the children is that it is more difficult to build a good, strong relationship.  As with any relationship, you get what you put in.

It matters how old their children are
Older children may be more understanding of their parent's dating.  You also have more common interests and hobbies.  They may dorm at school or be grown and living on their own, so they will have fewer interactions with you. 

Dealing with your partner's ex
Even if their ex is a horrible person, it is best to be cordial for the sake of the children, and not to speak badly about the ex in front of the children.  The ex will always have a connection to your partner through the children, so you will have to eventually interact with the ex.  Better/easier to have it be on (relatively) friendly terms.  Even if you do not agree with their parenting style, they are still the children's parent, but you can act as a support system for the children.

Also consider the relationship your partner has with their ex.  Are they on friendly or nonspeaking terms?  This may give you insight as to how your partner deals with relationships and breakups.  For the sake of their children, it is important that your partner and the ex communicate at least about their children.  However, if they are on friendly terms, will you get jealous and think that they may still have romantic feelings for one another?

Your partner may be on a tight budget
Your partner may be paying alimony and child support, which means less money to spend on you and your relationship.  However, their monthly payments are a sign that they are responsible and care about their children.  I would be wary of someone who skips out on these payments.

Advantages of dating a single parent
Discuss with your partner whether they want more children, and see if you are both on the same page.  If you both want more children, you get a preview of how your partner is as a parent.  If you do not like or agree with their parenting style, it may be a dealbreaker.  You don't have to be unpleasantly surprised after having children with them to find out.

The other advantage is that you may end up loving their children!