Dating someone who has children

A substantial portion of the men I have dated are divorced with children.  It made me think about issues to consider when dating a single parent:

Not being your partner's #1 priority
Their children will come first.  It doesn't mean that your partner doesn't care about you.  But if you think about it, your partner should prioritize their children over you.  (I would be wary of someone who does not.)  So expect that your partner may have to break a date because their child is sick.  Or your partner's schedule is less flexible because their children are with them on certain days/weekends.

It is important to be understanding of your partner's situation, but at the same time, to make sure your needs are met as well.  Discuss with your partner if your needs are not being met.  Perhaps a different arrangement or a compromise can be made so there is a win-win situation.  Otherwise, you will let things fester and be unhappy, and this will eventually adversely affect the relationship.  It is also important to have hobbies/interests that you can do when you are not with your partner, so you are not just sitting around and waiting for your "turn" with your partner, which will make you resentful.


 Restrictions on your relationship
Your dates may not all be "grown-up" dates.  Their children may tag along so the venues may not be as mature.  In addition, it may be awkward to display affection in front of their children or to stay overnight at your partner's place.  It is better to avoid doing these things, at least at the beginning.


Being involved in their children's lives
Do you even like being around children in general?  Parents view children as an extension of themselves.  So if you get into a serious relationship with your partner, you will also be in a "relationship" with their children.  It is difficult to take on the role of a parent figure without being the actual parent.  There is a fine line when it comes to things that you can/should do, such as discipline (better to leave that to the parents).  It is better to think of yourself as an addition to their family unit, rather than a replacement of the parent.  Try to be a friendly and supportive adult figure. 

Timing of meeting their children
It is best to meet their children once you and your partner decide the relationship is becoming serious.  If you and your partner are not in a committed relationship, there is a higher chance of breaking up later.  And if their children have become attached to you, they may be hurt and disappointed, as if they are going through another "divorce."

Their children's reaction to you
Your partner's children may think of you as the wicked step-parent, even if you are Mary Poppins or Maria from Sound of Music.  They may not like the fact that you are dating their parent.  It means that their parents will not get back together.  They may think you are competing with them for their parent's time and love.  They may think you are replacing them or their other parent.  Do not expect that your partner's children will treat/love you like a parent; they may even be unfriendly (hopefully, this will only be temporary).  Children do not always listen to their own parents; they will do less so with you.

Keep in mind that your interactions and relationship with your partner's children may play a factor in how your partner feels about you.  Naturally, they prefer someone who gets along with their children.

Sound of Music

It matters who their children primarily lives with
If your partner does not have primary custody of the children, then these issues may affect you less.  Your partner has more time to potentially spend with you, and the dates will be more "mature."  The issue of showing affection or staying overnight occur less frequently.  You won't see the children as often so it is less of a headache if they dislike you.  However, the disadvantage of having fewer interactions with the children is that it is more difficult to build a good, strong relationship.  As with any relationship, you get what you put in.

It matters how old their children are
Older children may be more understanding of their parent's dating.  You also have more common interests and hobbies.  They may dorm at school or be grown and living on their own, so they will have fewer interactions with you. 

Dealing with your partner's ex
Even if their ex is a horrible person, it is best to be cordial for the sake of the children, and not to speak badly about the ex in front of the children.  The ex will always have a connection to your partner through the children, so you will have to eventually interact with the ex.  Better/easier to have it be on (relatively) friendly terms.  Even if you do not agree with their parenting style, they are still the children's parent, but you can act as a support system for the children.

Also consider the relationship your partner has with their ex.  Are they on friendly or nonspeaking terms?  This may give you insight as to how your partner deals with relationships and breakups.  For the sake of their children, it is important that your partner and the ex communicate at least about their children.  However, if they are on friendly terms, will you get jealous and think that they may still have romantic feelings for one another?

Your partner may be on a tight budget
Your partner may be paying alimony and child support, which means less money to spend on you and your relationship.  However, their monthly payments are a sign that they are responsible and care about their children.  I would be wary of someone who skips out on these payments.

Advantages of dating a single parent
Discuss with your partner whether they want more children, and see if you are both on the same page.  If you both want more children, you get a preview of how your partner is as a parent.  If you do not like or agree with their parenting style, it may be a dealbreaker.  You don't have to be unpleasantly surprised after having children with them to find out.

The other advantage is that you may end up loving their children!