Comebacks to "Why are you still single?"

Funny retorts I found online:

1.  I keep turning down proposals.
2.  Well, you haven’t proposed yet.
3.  My mail-order spouse should be arriving soon.
4.  Having both a husband and a child would be redundant.
5.  I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
6.  There has never been one married superhero.
7.  Perfect men are at every corner of the world.  Unfortunately, Earth is round.
8.  I would have to give up my billion dollar trust fund.
9.  I would no longer get alimony checks if I marry again.
10. Prince Charming made a wrong turn.
11. My knight in shining armor turned out to be a jerk in aluminum foil. 

Realistic answers:

1.  True love is worth waiting for.  I’m not going to settle just because I’ve been single for a while.
2.  I'm not picky but I'm not compromising my standards.
3.  No company is better than bad company.

Advantages and disadvantages of online dating

From my brief experience of being on an online dating website, I have realized the advantages and disadvantages.

Advantages:
-  Efficient way to meet people.
-  Proof that there really are "plenty of fish in the sea."
-  You all have the same agenda - to meet someone.  You know they are single (hopefully!) and sexual orientation right away.  With people you meet in person, you have to find out or guess if they are single.  
-  You can set your preferences (e.g., demographics, location, smoking and drinking habits, religion) for your partner.
-  You can be more bold in contacting people.  There is no face-to-face interaction so you don't feel as bad if rejected.
-  Some people prefer to date someone who is not part of their circle of friends or from work/school to avoid awkwardness if the relationship does not work out.  
-  You get a general sense of the person by their profile.  
-  You can check/search the website whenever, and however often, you want - even while wearing your pajamas in the comfort of your own home.
-  Some websites are free.
-  You can put a hold on getting matches if you are in a relationship.

Disadvantages:
-  Time consuming. You have to scan through many profiles.  You need to invest time in emailing, talking on the phone, or texting back and forth, with no guarantee that you will even end up meeting.
-  People seem dispensible.  If you don't like a particular person or they don't like you, there is likely someone similar next week.
-  People may have a different agenda (e.g., type of relationship they want - casual vs serious).
-  People may be different from the type of person you are interested in meeting.
-  People may seem great on their profile, by email, or on the phone.  But they may seem very different in person or there is no chemistry when you meet.
-  People are strangers and less trustworthy.  If you meet a person through a friend, at least someone can vouch for them.
-  You or the other person may become more picky since you know there are many other options available.  This may lead to hesitancy to commit.

If you decide to try online dating, see my posts on Advice for signing up and Advice for online dating profiles.

Be picky or settle?

A friend sent me an article which supported settling for a man, even when women are young.  The argument was that as women age, the pool of available men dwindle and women become less attractive, so women would be even lucky if a man would settle for them as well.  In addition, the article talks about how romance fades in relationships anyway, so one should be practical and have a guy around to help out with the home and children, and bring in a second income.  I agree that these are all valid points.  However, I have been in relationships that were "okay."  And I wasn't happy.

Should we be picky or should we settle for Mr. Okay, especially as we get older?  Will there ever be truly a Mr. Perfect?  The current high divorce rate and percentage of unhappy marriages tell us likely not.  Even men whom these women thought were their Prince, ended not being so.  (Check out the forum on Why we stay in unhappy relationships.) 

The Honeymooners

I don't expect the guy I end up with to be perfect since everyone has faults or quirks.  But there are certain qualities I would like.  He doesn't have to be objectively good looking, but should be attractive to me (and personality plays an important part in how attractive one is).  We don't have to share many similarities.  I am not looking for a male version of me.  In fact, it is good to have someone who balances us.  I am not looking for the best guy I can find; otherwise, we will never be satisfied with the person we are with.

I am looking for someone whom I want to live day-to-day with, to do mundane and exciting activities with, someone who is trustworthy and dependable, who respects me and loves me for me (appreciates my good qualities and accepts my bad ones - and I will do the same for him), who contributes to the relationship and reciprocates, who has similar goals and values, and who I can converse and work out problems with.  These are all reasonable qualities to want because if the partner does not have these, the relationship will eventually be in trouble.  I am not nick-picking and requiring certain things such as a specific height, race, etc.  It is important to tease out what is important (what we need) from what we prefer in a relationship (of course, it would be nice if they have what we prefer as well).  It is important to be picky, but to be picky with the important things, and not to compromise certain standards.  (Please see Forum on Can people change?)

Romance is rampant at the beginning of relationships, I want someone whose company I will still enjoy when the jitterbugs subside.  I think it's better to be alone than to come home to someone whom I don't want to come home to.  After all, I do need to spend the next few decades with him, kiss him, sleep next to him, and have children with him.  If I just want an extra body around so I am not alone or to have help with the home and children, I can live with a good friend.

Will & Grace

Progress report - Two months of online dating

It has been two months since I started online dating.  I have not had as many dates with different guys in the second month because I have been busy and because I have been seeing one guy ("Robocop") a few times (whom I met in the first month).  He is the only guy from the dating website whom I have seen again after the first date.  He does not have all the qualities I am looking for in a long-term partner, but he has some very good qualities and I enjoy my time with him, so I will see how things go.

Friends have advised me to have "low expectations" with people I meet online.  One friend has said that online dating is like 'dumpster diving' for a mate.  Another friend calls dating a "rough sport."  I agree with at least the latter statement.  Although each date I have had with the men from online dating went well overall, I did not see most going further past the first date.  I don't think the men were necessarily bad, I just don't think they were for me.  There was no connection or I did not see them as a long-term partner for me.

But I wanted to share some funny or not-so-pleasant events that happened during my first dates so far:

- One guy accidentally stole my metrocard.  Unbeknownst to me, I dropped it onto the floor when I got up to go to the restroom at the restaurant and he picked it up, not knowing it was mine.  When we were walking to the subway station, I realized I was missing my metrocard when I searched my pockets.  He confessed that he found one and that it must have been mine.  He returned it but it was an awkward moment.

- One guy was supposed to take me to a restaurant but needed to get the name of the restaurant from a friend.  However, he never followed through and we ended up having tea.  So I went home hungry.  But he didn't because he had already eaten before we met!  He was also not presentable because his shirt was terribly wrinkled.  And he passed gas in the middle of the date.  The biggest red flag was that he was in his late thirties and still living in a small apt with two roommates, and he admitted he was bad at saving money.

 -  Another guy looked much older for his age (50s) while I look very young for my age (20s), so we looked a generation apart even though we are only 10 years apart.  When the bill came and I offered to pay my share, he didn't even try to pay for me.  He just said, "we'll split the bill" as if he was doing me a favor for not having to pay for him.  And when we left the restaurant that night, instead of walking me to my car, he was going to walk to his car yet he lives a few blocks away!

- I had a real connection with one guy who seemed near perfect.  He seemed to have all the qualities I was looking for, and said all the right things when we texted, emailed, or spoke on the phone.  However, when we were supposed to arrange a time and place to finally meet, he did not call me... and this happened twice.  Although I was disappointed at first, I was not upset for long.  He could not have been that perfect if he did not call after I gave him a second chance.  And he probably was not the person he portrayed himself to be.  He likely said all those nice things to make himself seem like such a great catch.  I learned to be aware of sweet talkers.  It was good to learn that he was a jerk early than after investing time and emotion into the relationship.

From my experiences on these dates, I have comprised suggestions on what to do or not do, and questions to ask, on first dates.  Please refer to my posts on Advice for first dates and Questions to ask on a first date.

I have not given up hope in men... yet.  I know the type of guy I want.  And dating will help me learn or confirm what I like and don't like.  Dating will also show me what I want but didn't know or think I wanted.  It is easy to fall into the mentality that we will never find the perfect one, but I have not given up hope, at least not yet.  And when I do find him, it will be worth the wait because it will be amazing and life will never be the same again.

Who to date or not date

I have been a serial monogamist and recently got out from a very long-term relationship.  I have not been on many first dates prior to online dating.  Now that I am dating more frequently, questions came up about who to date or not date.  What are the rules or restrictions?

Friends and colleagues
-  Would you date a friend?  I have qualms about dating close friends because it may ruin our friendship if the romance doesn't work out.  The exception may be if I think it could lead to something very serious, then I may risk it.  I am fine with dating an acquaintance, or a friend who is not extremely close.  But it may get messy if we share a circle of friends.  I have a friend who won't date anyone who knows any of his friends. He thinks it may put the mutual friend in an awkward situation.
-  Would you mind being set up by a friend?  That seems safer since it is more removed. 
-  How about dating a friend's ex, if your friend is perfectly fine with it (and they really mean it)?
-  Would you date a colleague?  Similarly, it may be sticky to date a colleague or someone who works in the building, in case the romance does not work out.

Attraction
-  Would you date someone who is devastatingly handsome but a player/bad boy, or is painfully dumb?  Perhaps he would be a good candidate for a fling but a long-term relationship would be difficult.  And would you feel jealous about other women eyeing your stud, or would it boost your ego instead?
-  Or the inverse: unattractive but has a great personality?  Perhaps attraction will eventually develop or maybe physicality is not important to you.
-  Or how about not dating someone based on a habit, such as smoking, drinking, gambling, or picking their nose in public?


Profession
-  If someone is attractive and has a wonderful personality, but had a low paying or menial job, would you date them?  One factor in the decision would be practicality.  Would you mind living paycheck to paycheck, or not living comfortably, if that was the case?
-  Or what if his job paid well but the job is not highly regarded (e.g., sanitation worker)?  Here comes the issue of "social class" (for lack of a better term).
-  Or what if he has a noble profession but it may cause you stress (e.g., you may worry each time your cop or firefighter boyfriend is on duty, or you may be frustrated your businessman boyfriend spends endless hours working)?
-  What if you both make a respectable salary, but one person's salary is greatly disparate from the other?

I personally don't mind what the guy's profession is, as long as he contributes to the relationship in some way (e.g., emotionally supportive, treats me well, helps around the house - it doesn't have to be financially, but of course, it would be nice).  I may be more concerned if his profession causes me to stress though (e.g., his job is not safe or has extremely long hours).

Demographics
-  Would you not date someone based on age or race?  Perhaps you feel that there is less of a connection due to fewer similarities.  I felt this way on a few of my dates.
-  How about height or weight?  If the person had the best personality but was 4' feet or 7' feet tall, would you date them?
-  How about if they have a different religion?  Perhaps this depends on how devout you are, or how disparate your religious beliefs are.
-  Would you date someone who is married but separated, or going through a divorce?  Would you be concerned about the spouse is still involved in the person's life?
-  How about if the person has children?  They will understandably give their children priority over you.  And you would also have to establish a relationship with their children.  You date them, you date their family. 
-  What about long distance relationships?  These are certainly hard and it takes even more effort to maintain the relationship, but it does serve as a good test.
-  Would you date someone with a disability or handicap?  Perhaps that depends on the type of disability or handicap?
 




Conclusion
As you can see, there are many factors to think about when we decide whether to date someone or not.  Sometimes we have a certain type of person in mind who we think is good for us, but the case may be that the person who is truly good for us is not be the person we envisioned.  And we may not meet them in the way we thought we would.  One reason why I am dating different guys is to learn more about what I want and don't want in a partner.

Advice for first dates

From the few first dates I've had so far, I formulated the following suggestions:

1.  Confirm with your date the day, time, and place to meet a day or two beforehand.  This will avoid confusion or misunderstanding, and help keep your dates straight if you are seeing multiple people. 

2.  Be on time.  Call/text your date if you will be late (if even for 5 minutes) - it shows consideration.

3.  Dress appropriately for the venue and weather (attire is different for dinner at a fancy restaurant versus ballgame).  Whether you wear a t-shirt or dress, make sure the clothing is presentable - no wrinkles, stains, or holes.  If the clothing has these imperfections, iron, clean or mend them.  Or pick out another article of clothing.  If it is a brand new article of clothing, make sure you take the tag off.

4.  Most people like to meet for coffee/tea/drinks on a first date.  This allows you to easily "escape" and end the date if it is not going well.  If it goes well, you can extend the date by having dinner afterwards, or simply going on a second date.

5.  Turn off your phone or put it on vibrate.  If you forget and you get a call/text, try to ignore it or talk/text briefly.  You want to focus on your date.
6.  Talk about things from your date's profile, but do not make it seem like an interview. 

7.  Do not discuss topics that may be negative (such as how you dislike your job) or awkward (such as salary and past relationships - concentrate on the present instead).  Please see my post on Questions to ask on a first date.
8.  Resist from checking your date out on Facebook, Google, etc.  You may slip and say something which is not in their profiles but only on those sites, so your date will know you stalked them via internet.

9.  You may laugh at this suggestion, but I am writing this because it happened to me on a date - if you need to pass gas, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom!  Otherwise, it is embarrassing for you and not pleasant for your date.  (I thought it was the smell of bad food passing by our table at first until I realized that my date passed gas.  But I was polite and just suffered through it until the smell faded.  This leads to the next suggestion...)
10. It is good to be cordial and classy on dates, even if you do not think it will work out.  You never know if your date may know someone you know, and it may come back to bite you.   (See my post on How to reject someone in dating.)

For the ladies:

1.  Tell a friend when your date is, where you are going, who your date is, and his contact information in case something happens.  Call/text your friend when you get home to let them know you are safe.  You can also discuss how the date went!

2.  Meet in a public place.  Do not go to one of your homes (unless you may want to get intimate - see the forum on Timing of first intercourse in a new relationship).

3.  Have your own way of getting home, so you do not rely on the guy to take/drive you home.  Do not get into his car!  Carry cash in case you need to get a cab.  Have the contact info for car service in case cabs are not frequently available where you are (or if it is very late at night). 

4.  The guy is trying to impress you, so try to compliment or acknowledge his effort or things he does/says.  For example, if he takes you to an expensive restaurant, say, "Thank you for choosing such a wonderful restaurant.  The decor/service was amazing and the food was delicious."  It will make him feel appreciated.

5.  Laugh at his jokes, or at least smile if they weren't that funny. 

6.  If you drink alcohol, do not get buzzed or drunk.  You want to be coherent, make good judgments, and able to get yourself home.  It is also not attractive if you are slurring your speech or vomiting on him.

7.  I think it is nice for women to at least offer to pay for their share of the meal (oftentimes, the guy will still insist on paying for everything anyway), but that is just my own opinion.

For the gentlemen:

1.  Be galant – compliment her beautiful looks/dress/hair, hold the door for her, etc.

2.  Pay for the meal.  Do not use a gift card or coupon.

3.  At the end of the date, if you are debating about kissing on the lips, kissing her cheek, or hugging, I think the latter two are safe since not all women kiss on the lips on the first date.  But if you think there was mutual chemistry and she won't mind kissing on the lips, then go for it.  (See my post on The first date kiss.)

4.  It is classy if you text (or call) your date to make sure she got home safely, even if you don't think you want to go out with her again.

5.  Please do women a favor, and do NOT wait too long to call/text us for the next date.  It is even fine to ask us out again at the end of the first date.

Progress report - One month of online dating

So it's been one month since I've been on the dating website.  Online dating certainly has its own "culture."  (See my post on Advantages and disadvantages of online dating.)

Online
Every morning, I get a match list consisting of 5-8 men, and a few more men appear on my list over the course of the day.  After two weeks, I've developed an efficient system to filter the candidates because the list accumulates over time.  I look at the photos and briefly glance at the basic info about the person (age, height, profession, location) and archive the ones whom I don't think will work out (there is an Archive folder where these matches will be stored).  Although I do not consider myself superficial, physical attraction is important to me (otherwise, he is just a friend).  So here is the importance of a good profile picture (please check out the post on Advice for online dating profiles).  If I cannot decide whether to archive the guy or not, I ask myself, "If this guy has all the personality traits I want in a partner, would I become physically attracted towards him?"  If the answer is no, then I archive him.  One exception to this rule is that I do not archive guys who have an exceptionally interesting job (e.g., broadway producer, military pilot) or profile description.  It would be interesting to talk to them if we do meet.  (Check out my post on Who to date or not date.)

After speaking to guy friends who are on dating websites, it appears that men do most of the "work."  They initiate contact with the girl, ask the girl out, set the place to meet, and pay for the meal.  And girls just sit back and let it all happen.  I do see some truth to this, as I get several emails from new guys every day, and they are the ones who ask to meet, pick the restaurant, and pay.  (See my post on Who has it easier in the dating world - Men or Women?)  For men who are very attractive or interesting, I allow a few days to pass to see whether they contact me.  If they don't, then I email them. 

I've polled several men, and the response rate from women they have contacted seems to be about 20%.  Some people wait a little before they reply.  Perhaps they were dating someone in the interim or did not want to appear too eager, interested, or desperate.

Meeting in person
I received about 100 emails from men within the first two weeks.  It was a good thing I developed my filtering system.  Otherwise, I would be inundated.  Going through all the profiles, email exchanges, and dating feels like a part-time job.  After two weeks, I had my first date.  I have an average of 2 dates (with different guys) per week.  I find it difficult to keep everyone straight.  I haven't called anyone by the wrong name (yet), but I forget who I told what.  Of the four dates I've had so far, I have gone out with one of them on a second date.  I have 3 dates scheduled for next week, and still have to set up another 2 more (probably will save them for the week after).

The majority of the men on my dating website is Caucasian, so 3 of the 4 men I've dated so far are Caucasian (I've primarily only dated Asians before).  I originally set my preferences to date men between ages 30-45.  Three of the four men I dated were in their 40s.  Two of the men did NOT look like their profile pictures (quite disappointing).  One guy said I looked even better than my profile picture and complimented me on my dress (that was so nice!).  I did not feel a connection with 3 of the 4 guys - perhaps due to racial or age differences, physical attraction, or differences in interests.  Having learned from these dates, I have adjusted my age preferences to 32-42 years and am more selective about who I meet (common interests, looks). 

It is a good idea to meet for coffee/tea on a first date, but I've only had dinner on the dates so far.  The dinner conversation has gone well on each date.  I consider myself a pretty good conversationalist.  Whenever the guy doesn't know what to say, I ask him a question or mention something about myself.  I read the guy's profile before the date (so I remember who he is and don't confuse him with another guy), and ask him about facts from his profile (where he is from, his family, interests).  On the first date, I try to avoid questions about past relationships or topics that may be awkward or make him uncomfortable.  (See my posts on Questions to ask on a first date, and Advice for first dates.)

When the check for dinner comes, the guy has always paid, but I offer to at least pay my share.  However, the guy has never let me do that.

The most awkward part of the date is the goodbye.  I don't want to kiss on the lips on the first date.  Most dates have kissed me on the cheek.  One guy gave me a hug.  I think if the guy did end up kissing me on the lips, I would have to "take it" as I don't want to be rude.  However, my friends say I should turn my head so he kisses my cheek instead or pull back if I am not interested in him.  Another friend suggested I wear a surgical mask :)