Types of love

There are various types of love.  There is love for family, friends and companion animals.  Then there is romantic love.  Within the realm of romance, what we call "love" can be further subdivided into infatuation, eroticism, being in love (and more).

Infatuation/eroticism
It is important to distinguish between infatuation and love.  Infatuation is a "superficial love."  It is an extreme lust or passion for someone, or an obsession.  It typically occurs after you just met the person or the relationship is new. You do not know the person well yet - their values, background, personality, habits, routines, preferences, opinions on various topics, goals for the future, or flaws.  The person and relationship seem exciting and perfect.  The intense joy you feel thinking about, and being around, this person can easily be mistaken for love.  While such feelings might ripen into a lasting love, these feelings are in the early stages and mostly based on a fantasy about a connection we yearn for, and that feels extremely fulfilling in the moment.  Eroticism is similar to infatuation, but eroticism is more focused on the sexual or physical connection.

Caring for someone
You can care for someone, but not love them.  However, if you love them, you care for them.  Once you are settled in a relationship, it is important to distinguish love from merely caring for your partner.  A substantial portion of long-term relationships consist of two people who become good friends that are comfortable with, and care about, each other... but not to the point that they love the other person.  And this lack of love can lead to problems in the relationship.

What is love?
Everyone has their own definition of love.  In general, love is a deep connection to someone after knowing them well. You respect them.  You love them for who they are, and accept them for who they are not.  You accept their flaws (although this does not mean you do not want to them to better themselves).  You care for them deeply.  You are happy when they are happy.  You hurt when they hurt.  Their well-being is important to you such that you will make sacrifices for their happiness without regret or resentment.  

Each love you have for a different person can be a different experience or feeling.  For me, love is such a powerful emotional phenomenon that no single word can adequately nor appropriately capture all that it encompasses, so I have to settle for the word love to merely represent it.

Being in love

Personally, I think loving someone and being in love are different entities, although they share many commonalities. There is a degree of infatuation and eroticism when one is in love.  One tends to be in love earlier in a relationship when the partner and things appear fresh and exciting.  As the relationship further matures, being in love progresses to (a deeper) love.  Of course, one can both be in love and love someone simultaneously.

For me, signs I love/am in love include the following:
-  I would do something drastic for him (such as giving up an organ, assuming I have two of this organ).
-  I would still care for him if something bad happened to him (he acquires a chronic illness or he later has a psychiatric condition).
-  His happiness and welfare supersede mine.
-  I gladly make sacrifices for him.

-  Thinking of him makes me feel happy (inside and out).
-  I act differently around him.
-  I make exceptions for him.

-  I care for him even if he does not reciprocate.
-  A disagreement, argument, criticism or disapproval hurts more coming from him than anyone else
-  I accept him for who he is, and who he is not.  However, this does not mean that I don't want him to better himself.

-  I understand what love songs are talking about.  I really would be willing to walk a thousand miles just to get a glimpse of him.
-  I get very emotional thinking or talking about him.
-  The tone of my voice changes when speaking to him compared to other people.
-  His name, possessions, and things associated with him carry special meaning.
-  I think of him often.  I think about him when I go to sleep, and when I awake.
-  I do not have to question if I am in love.  I know.

You will know when you are in love.  If you have to ask if you are in love, then you are not.

During a bad first date - dash or stay?

Almost everyone has had a bad date (here are some of mine).  That is why it is better to meet for coffee/tea or a drink on the first date.  If you do not like your date, you can leave after half an hour or so.  If you like your date, you can extend the date by having a full meal after drinks.

You generally know whether you like your date within the first few minutes of meeting (if not immediately).  Some women have a friend deliberately call mid-date so she can pretend there is an emergency and she needs to leave immediately, in case she does not like the guy.  The advantages to this are two-fold: 1) it gives an escape plan in case the date is terrible, and 2) you do not necessarily hurt the guy's feeling, at least not at that time and not face-to-face (you will eventually disappoint him when you reject him later if he asks you out again).  However, most guys see through this trick and know what is really happening.

So is it best to dash when you are certain that you do not want to date him again?  It depends.  I would encourage leaving the date early (whether it is by the "emergency" phone call or just walking out) if your date is dangerous, threatening, or a jerk.  Aside from that, stay if you can tolerate the date (e.g., there is no physical attraction or you two are not compatible, but your date is otherwise nice).  Do not show signs of romantic interest or extend the date past what was originally planned, but just be courteous and polite during the remaining time on the date.

Here are reasons you should stay:
1.  Use this time to practice being on a date.  Practice the social skills you would use on a date (just do not implement your flirting or kissing skills).

2.  Make a friend.  Just because you may not be destined to be lovers does not mean you two cannot be friends.  Just make it clear that the relationship is platonic if you decide to see him again.

3.  Learn from your date.  Use this opportunity to learn something you would not otherwise.  For example, ask him about where he/his family is from, his travels/adventures, profession, or interests/hobbies.  There is bound to be something he mentions with which you are not familiar, and ask him more about it to learn about that topic.  (See my post on Questions to ask on first date.)

4.  Make the most of your time on the date.  Even though you may not see him again, enjoy the moment and company.  Everyone has interesting stories.  Ask him some fun questions and be prepared to hear entertaining stories.

-  What is the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you?
-  What is the hardest (or scariest) thing you had to do?
-  Tell me about a recent adventure or spontaneous thing you have done.
-  What is your favorite childhood memory?
-  What is the most private thing you are willing to admit?
-  If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?
-  Tell me a random fact about you.
-  What accomplishment are you most proud of?

5.  You do not know whether your date may be a connection to someone you know (such as a a friend of a friend) or another encounter later in life (for example, be a loan officer at a bank when you need to borrow money).

Benefits of singledom

Although being in a relationship has its benefits, being single has its perks as well.  First, you must feel comfortable not being in a relationship.  It can be difficult if you just ended a long term relationship.  But you will heal with time, social support, and distractions.  (See my post on How to handle rejection in dating.)

It is good to have time by yourself when you come out from a relationship before dating again.  Get into the mindset that there is no pressure to find someone soon.  Take this time to concentrate on yourself.  You can lose, or forget about, yourself in a long term relationship after adapting or accommodating to the other person for a prolonged period.  So learn about yourself again.  Be introspective.  Improve yourself.  It is important to know, respect and love yourself first before getting into a relationship.  If you do not understand yourself well or appreciate yourself, how do you expect someone else to?

You have more time for yourself.  Do things you enjoy.  Find a new hobby.  Travel.  Volunteer in community services. Improve your work performance or chances of a promotion (but do not become a workaholic).  If you recently came out from a relationship, these are all things that will also distract you and help you get over your ex.

Another benefit of being single is that you do not have to adapt or accommodate to a partner.  You can go ahead with your own routines, habits and preferences.  You can do whatever you want... whenever, however and wherever you want... with whom you want, and for as long as you want.  You do not have confer with a partner, or accommodate to their preferences or schedule.  You also do not have to do things they wanted that you did not enjoy.

Being single, you save money that would have been spent on your partner.  Spend it on yourself instead.

Being single does not mean that you are alone.  You can have family, friends, and even pets be an active and important part of your life.  Spend time cultivating your relationships with them - make these relationships strong and meaningful.  These are the people who are your support system and stable factors in your life.  Until you meet "The One," your boy/girlfriends will just come and go.

Enjoy dating.  Flirt and play the field if you want.  Enjoy the excitement of meeting new people and tingles of a first date or new relationship.  Even though you may have bad dates or short term relationships, make the most of that time.  Learn from your bad dates and relationships.

The grass is always greener on the other side.  People who are single want to be in a long term relationship.  Those who are in a long term relationship or married miss aspects of being single.   With the greener grass, there are also weeds and more fertilizer/manure you have to face.  And sometimes the grass may appear greener but it is actually artificial turf.  So water your own grass and it will naturally become more green.  

My worst date ever... and what I learned

On my last post, Why first dates fail, I noted how important it is to learn from unsuccessful dates.  So I will share my worst first date and what it taught me.  I have had multiple bad first dates, but there is one that stands out.  This date was over two years ago, so I will try to recall the sequence of events and relevant details as best I can.  I met "Adam" on a dating website.  We exchanged a couple of brief emails and spoke once on the phone before we met.  He was not a great phone conversationalist (for example, he was eating steak while we were talking on the phone).  My friend convinced me to meet him anyway because some people are not great conversationalists on the phone, yet are better in person.

Adam and I decided to meet at a bar in Manhattan on a Friday night.  When I first saw Adam, I immediately knew that his photos online were at least several years old.  He looked older and had gained weight since the photos were taken.  He had told me over the phone about his upcoming birthday, so shortly after I introduced myself and sat down at the bar, I wished him a happy 39th birthday (his online profile said he was 38).  He then admitted that he actually turned 41.  Two strikes already... and we were only a couple of minutes into the date.

We ordered drinks - Adam ordered an alcoholic drink and I ordered a ginger ale (I cannot tolerate much alcohol). Over the next hour, we talked about various topics.  Among those topics, Adam mentioned that he wanted to start a family soon, and later said he would like to travel around the world to help people.  I suggested joining the Peace Corps but he did not know what that was.  I subsequently explained that the Peace Corps was an American organization that sends volunteers to foreign countries to help fulfill their needs.  I also commented that perhaps Adam may think about joining soon if his goal was to start a family in America over the next few years.  He subsequently laughed and stated that having young children would not be a hindering factor for joining the Peace Corps since he would leave them with their mother in America.

A couple of other things irked me at various points on the date.  Adam laughed inappropriately for prolonged periods at things that were not funny.  (He was not drunk at any point during the date.)  He was also fidgety, as if he had ADHD.  This increased level of activity was congruent with his life.  He informed me that he had multiple activities occurring simultaneously because he was easily bored.  He was in the process of buying properties, learning Spanish (so he could conduct business in Latin America), and starting his own line of purses (at that point in the conversation, he caressed my purse and complimented the fabric).  I did not have an issue with someone being involved in numerous projects, as long as the person could handle them.  I was just not sure whether Adam's constant fidgeting was an indication of mental hyperactivity, and that he had difficulty focusing on one thing, and therefore, ended up with multiple incomplete projects.

I was not enjoying myself on the date and could not wait to leave.  However, I sat through the entire date and carried the conversation politely.  We departed at the end of the date without mention of follow-up plans (such as "I'll call you" or "I had a good time, let's do this again").  I deleted his phone number as soon as I left the bar.

The weekend passed and Adam texted me on Monday to ask if I wanted to go out with him again - this time to Chinatown (I had mentioned on the date that I occasionally go there).  I texted that I was not interested, and thought that was the end of the conversation.  However, he replied asking why.  I never had a guy ask me for the reason I declined a second date.  But I did not want to be rude by ignoring him, so I replied that we had different values.  I gave the example of how he would not mind joining the Peace Corps and traveling abroad for a prolonged period if we had started a family.  I would want the father of my children to be present, especially when they were young. Adam subsequently texted that he was currently at a bank yet could not stop laughing out loud.  He thought his traveling had nothing to do with how good I was as a mother.  I explained that I was not concerned about it affecting my abilities as a mother, but that I wanted my children to have their father around.  I said that we had different values, and that no one was right or wrong.  Our values were just different and I respected his.  He stated that I was so funny, I should be on a comedy show and that he could not wait to have drinks with his friend that night to show him our text conversation so they could have a big laugh.  At that point, I stopped texting him.

So what did I learn?
1.  I should have stopped texting him much earlier.  There was no need to explain why I was not interested in a second date after I (politely) declined the offer.  I thought it was rude not to respond, but in retrospect, it would not have been inappropriate.  (If we have had several dates, then I think I owed him a reason.)  You open a can of worms when you give a reason.
2.  I should have stopped texting after he went on and on.  I felt the need to explain myself but he was neither logical nor respectful (probably to any explanation I would have provided for not wanting a second date).
3.  If someone is a poor phone conversationalist, they are unlikely to be a great conversationalist in person.  (This is different from people who merely prefer speaking with someone in person rather than on the phone.)
4.  My instincts were accurate.  I was correct in concluding (very soon after we met on the date) that he was not the one for me, and the text conversation confirmed it.
5.  People handle rejection differently.  Adam's way was to ridicule the other person.  (See my post on How to handle rejection in dating.)

Why first dates fail

I listen to a segment called "Blown Off" on the radio station 95.5 WPLJ on my way to work in the morning.  Callers ask the station for help after they had what seemingly was a great first date (or few great dates) but did not hear back from the other person afterwards.  In an attempt to help the caller, the radio station calls the date to ask why they blew the caller off.  The reasons people gave included:

1. Lack of physical attraction
-  bad teeth, thinning hairline, and bad breath
-  too hairy
-  too sweaty
-  overweight
-  not the ethnicity date wants
-  awkwardly large breast implants (though some men may not mind this)
-  persistent eye twitch

2. Unattractive or weird personality
-  extremely uptight
-  hypochondriac
-  extreme negativity about men
-  lazy (does not like to go out or do anything physically active)
-  angers easily (road rage, paranoid other men are checking date out)

3.  Unattractive or inappropriate behavior
-  constantly speaks like a baby
-  weird laugh
-  frequently curses
-  talks very loudly
-  sexting inappropriate photos after date
-  speaks then silent for prolonged intervals
-  poor dining etiquette (chews with mouth open, spits out food while talking and eating, food in hair)
-  frequently on cell phone during date
- "story-topper" (tries to trump person's story by telling a better one)

4.   Inappropriate activity for first date
-  dinner with parents who asks about date's fertility
-  brings children to first date
-  goes shopping at various dealerships for used cars (guy feels he was being used to drive girl around)
-  goes to a comedy club on open mic night and girl incessantly makes fun of her date on stage
-  shows photos of ex

5.  Gets drunk or stoned during date

6.  Inappropriate conversation topics
-  divorce
-  engagement rings and wedding ideas
-  having children
-  obsessively talks about working out and asks girl her percentage of body fat
-  pushy about buying phone app

7.  Not romantic
-  goes to AppleBee's and guy uses gift card to pay for dinner
-  guy licks girl's face instead of a simple kiss at end of date
-  guy wears the same clothes to date as to gym

8.  Sexual incompatibility
-  girl does not want to have pre-marital sex
-  guy is a player
-  guy only wants a one-night stand
-  guy takes out private part during dinner
-  girl mistakenly thinks it is a romantic date but guy is actually homosexual

9.  Economic/social status
-  guy's credit card is declined so girl has to pay for steak dinner
-  guy works at Walmart

10. Safety or theft
-  threatening ex-boyfriend
-  family may be violent
-  guy thinks girl stole money from drawer after staying overnight

Because specific reasons were given as to why the date lost interest, one could argue that the person could just fix that one particular factor.  However, there are two bigger lessons to be learned.

The first lesson is to have awareness.  Be aware and observant of yourself, your date, and the situation.  All callers on the radio show were oblivious to the reason as to why the other person did not respond after the first date.  Callers sincerely thought the date went well and could not think of a reason why the other person lost interest.

1.  Be aware of yourself
If you are consistently not getting second dates, then there is likely a good reason.  Take time to think  about your imperfections and/or observe yourself in all aspects - physical appearance, personality, and behavior.  Be brutally honest with yourself.  You can ask friends and family members to tell you what they think your imperfections are, but be mentally prepared and do not get upset with them if they give you feedback you do not like or agree with.  Do not instantaneously deny or make excuses for the flaws they say you have.  Instead, think objectively and observe yourself over time to see whether what they say is accurate.  It is better to learn about these imperfections you did not know about, and decide whether you want to change them, rather than being oblivious and wonder why you do not get second dates.

Helpful links:
How to make yourself more physically attractive
How to make your personality more attractive
What impresses women and men
What men and women dislike about the other

2.  Be aware of your date
If you are meeting people online, you can minimize wasting time going on a date only to quickly find out you were not a match due to lack of attraction or compatibility.  Make sure both you and your date have recent and representative photos available.  If they do not, ask them to post, email, or text at least two photos (since one photo may not be an accurate depiction).  Also, search for matches on the dating website using the criteria you deem important, or ask the potential date about those things in your emails.  During the date, watch out for your date's body language and clues as to whether they are interested in you.

Helpful links:
Who to date or not date
Questions to ask on a first date
Defining the relationship

3.  Be aware of the situation
Remember, this is a first date.  You need to make a good impression.  Therefore, be appropriate - the setting/activity, attire, conversation topics, and behavior.

Helpful links:
Advice for first dates
Ideas for dates
What to wear on a first date
Proper dinner date etiquette
Comebacks to "Why are you still single?"
The first date kiss

The second lesson is to think about whether you want to change in order to date the other person.  Obviously, if you think the other person pointed out a valid flaw and you want to improve, then go ahead.  Keep in mind it is better to change for yourself than for someone else.  If you are uncertain whether you want to make the change, consider:

-  if the change is truly for the better
-  whether the change is really for your benefit or your date's (the change will help you improve as a person rather than merely accommodate to your date's preferences)
-  how major the change is
-  how important that trait/value/activity is to you (how much it is the essence of who you are)
-  how difficult the change would be

Keep in mind that everyone has different preferences.  You may change for one person, but someone else may like that particular trait you have.  For example, I thought that my petite size would not be considered attractive since the typical beautiful woman portrayed in the media is tall.  However, I learned from dating that there is a subpopulation of men who prefer petite women.

Helpful links:
Be picky or settle?
Can people change?

The most important thing about unsuccessful first dates is what you learn from them.  Try to learn about yourself and improve as a person.  The second dates will naturally come afterwards.  (Read about my worst date ever... and what I learned.)