My worst date ever... and what I learned

On my last post, Why first dates fail, I noted how important it is to learn from unsuccessful dates.  So I will share my worst first date and what it taught me.  I have had multiple bad first dates, but there is one that stands out.  This date was over two years ago, so I will try to recall the sequence of events and relevant details as best I can.  I met "Adam" on a dating website.  We exchanged a couple of brief emails and spoke once on the phone before we met.  He was not a great phone conversationalist (for example, he was eating steak while we were talking on the phone).  My friend convinced me to meet him anyway because some people are not great conversationalists on the phone, yet are better in person.

Adam and I decided to meet at a bar in Manhattan on a Friday night.  When I first saw Adam, I immediately knew that his photos online were at least several years old.  He looked older and had gained weight since the photos were taken.  He had told me over the phone about his upcoming birthday, so shortly after I introduced myself and sat down at the bar, I wished him a happy 39th birthday (his online profile said he was 38).  He then admitted that he actually turned 41.  Two strikes already... and we were only a couple of minutes into the date.

We ordered drinks - Adam ordered an alcoholic drink and I ordered a ginger ale (I cannot tolerate much alcohol). Over the next hour, we talked about various topics.  Among those topics, Adam mentioned that he wanted to start a family soon, and later said he would like to travel around the world to help people.  I suggested joining the Peace Corps but he did not know what that was.  I subsequently explained that the Peace Corps was an American organization that sends volunteers to foreign countries to help fulfill their needs.  I also commented that perhaps Adam may think about joining soon if his goal was to start a family in America over the next few years.  He subsequently laughed and stated that having young children would not be a hindering factor for joining the Peace Corps since he would leave them with their mother in America.

A couple of other things irked me at various points on the date.  Adam laughed inappropriately for prolonged periods at things that were not funny.  (He was not drunk at any point during the date.)  He was also fidgety, as if he had ADHD.  This increased level of activity was congruent with his life.  He informed me that he had multiple activities occurring simultaneously because he was easily bored.  He was in the process of buying properties, learning Spanish (so he could conduct business in Latin America), and starting his own line of purses (at that point in the conversation, he caressed my purse and complimented the fabric).  I did not have an issue with someone being involved in numerous projects, as long as the person could handle them.  I was just not sure whether Adam's constant fidgeting was an indication of mental hyperactivity, and that he had difficulty focusing on one thing, and therefore, ended up with multiple incomplete projects.

I was not enjoying myself on the date and could not wait to leave.  However, I sat through the entire date and carried the conversation politely.  We departed at the end of the date without mention of follow-up plans (such as "I'll call you" or "I had a good time, let's do this again").  I deleted his phone number as soon as I left the bar.

The weekend passed and Adam texted me on Monday to ask if I wanted to go out with him again - this time to Chinatown (I had mentioned on the date that I occasionally go there).  I texted that I was not interested, and thought that was the end of the conversation.  However, he replied asking why.  I never had a guy ask me for the reason I declined a second date.  But I did not want to be rude by ignoring him, so I replied that we had different values.  I gave the example of how he would not mind joining the Peace Corps and traveling abroad for a prolonged period if we had started a family.  I would want the father of my children to be present, especially when they were young. Adam subsequently texted that he was currently at a bank yet could not stop laughing out loud.  He thought his traveling had nothing to do with how good I was as a mother.  I explained that I was not concerned about it affecting my abilities as a mother, but that I wanted my children to have their father around.  I said that we had different values, and that no one was right or wrong.  Our values were just different and I respected his.  He stated that I was so funny, I should be on a comedy show and that he could not wait to have drinks with his friend that night to show him our text conversation so they could have a big laugh.  At that point, I stopped texting him.

So what did I learn?
1.  I should have stopped texting him much earlier.  There was no need to explain why I was not interested in a second date after I (politely) declined the offer.  I thought it was rude not to respond, but in retrospect, it would not have been inappropriate.  (If we have had several dates, then I think I owed him a reason.)  You open a can of worms when you give a reason.
2.  I should have stopped texting after he went on and on.  I felt the need to explain myself but he was neither logical nor respectful (probably to any explanation I would have provided for not wanting a second date).
3.  If someone is a poor phone conversationalist, they are unlikely to be a great conversationalist in person.  (This is different from people who merely prefer speaking with someone in person rather than on the phone.)
4.  My instincts were accurate.  I was correct in concluding (very soon after we met on the date) that he was not the one for me, and the text conversation confirmed it.
5.  People handle rejection differently.  Adam's way was to ridicule the other person.  (See my post on How to handle rejection in dating.)

Why first dates fail

I listen to a segment called "Blown Off" on the radio station 95.5 WPLJ on my way to work in the morning.  Callers ask the station for help after they had what seemingly was a great first date (or few great dates) but did not hear back from the other person afterwards.  In an attempt to help the caller, the radio station calls the date to ask why they blew the caller off.  The reasons people gave included:

1. Lack of physical attraction
-  bad teeth, thinning hairline, and bad breath
-  too hairy
-  too sweaty
-  overweight
-  not the ethnicity date wants
-  awkwardly large breast implants (though some men may not mind this)
-  persistent eye twitch

2. Unattractive or weird personality
-  extremely uptight
-  hypochondriac
-  extreme negativity about men
-  lazy (does not like to go out or do anything physically active)
-  angers easily (road rage, paranoid other men are checking date out)

3.  Unattractive or inappropriate behavior
-  constantly speaks like a baby
-  weird laugh
-  frequently curses
-  talks very loudly
-  sexting inappropriate photos after date
-  speaks then silent for prolonged intervals
-  poor dining etiquette (chews with mouth open, spits out food while talking and eating, food in hair)
-  frequently on cell phone during date
- "story-topper" (tries to trump person's story by telling a better one)

4.   Inappropriate activity for first date
-  dinner with parents who asks about date's fertility
-  brings children to first date
-  goes shopping at various dealerships for used cars (guy feels he was being used to drive girl around)
-  goes to a comedy club on open mic night and girl incessantly makes fun of her date on stage
-  shows photos of ex

5.  Gets drunk or stoned during date

6.  Inappropriate conversation topics
-  divorce
-  engagement rings and wedding ideas
-  having children
-  obsessively talks about working out and asks girl her percentage of body fat
-  pushy about buying phone app

7.  Not romantic
-  goes to AppleBee's and guy uses gift card to pay for dinner
-  guy licks girl's face instead of a simple kiss at end of date
-  guy wears the same clothes to date as to gym

8.  Sexual incompatibility
-  girl does not want to have pre-marital sex
-  guy is a player
-  guy only wants a one-night stand
-  guy takes out private part during dinner
-  girl mistakenly thinks it is a romantic date but guy is actually homosexual

9.  Economic/social status
-  guy's credit card is declined so girl has to pay for steak dinner
-  guy works at Walmart

10. Safety or theft
-  threatening ex-boyfriend
-  family may be violent
-  guy thinks girl stole money from drawer after staying overnight

Because specific reasons were given as to why the date lost interest, one could argue that the person could just fix that one particular factor.  However, there are two bigger lessons to be learned.

The first lesson is to have awareness.  Be aware and observant of yourself, your date, and the situation.  All callers on the radio show were oblivious to the reason as to why the other person did not respond after the first date.  Callers sincerely thought the date went well and could not think of a reason why the other person lost interest.

1.  Be aware of yourself
If you are consistently not getting second dates, then there is likely a good reason.  Take time to think  about your imperfections and/or observe yourself in all aspects - physical appearance, personality, and behavior.  Be brutally honest with yourself.  You can ask friends and family members to tell you what they think your imperfections are, but be mentally prepared and do not get upset with them if they give you feedback you do not like or agree with.  Do not instantaneously deny or make excuses for the flaws they say you have.  Instead, think objectively and observe yourself over time to see whether what they say is accurate.  It is better to learn about these imperfections you did not know about, and decide whether you want to change them, rather than being oblivious and wonder why you do not get second dates.

Helpful links:
How to make yourself more physically attractive
How to make your personality more attractive
What impresses women and men
What men and women dislike about the other

2.  Be aware of your date
If you are meeting people online, you can minimize wasting time going on a date only to quickly find out you were not a match due to lack of attraction or compatibility.  Make sure both you and your date have recent and representative photos available.  If they do not, ask them to post, email, or text at least two photos (since one photo may not be an accurate depiction).  Also, search for matches on the dating website using the criteria you deem important, or ask the potential date about those things in your emails.  During the date, watch out for your date's body language and clues as to whether they are interested in you.

Helpful links:
Who to date or not date
Questions to ask on a first date
Defining the relationship

3.  Be aware of the situation
Remember, this is a first date.  You need to make a good impression.  Therefore, be appropriate - the setting/activity, attire, conversation topics, and behavior.

Helpful links:
Advice for first dates
Ideas for dates
What to wear on a first date
Proper dinner date etiquette
Comebacks to "Why are you still single?"
The first date kiss

The second lesson is to think about whether you want to change in order to date the other person.  Obviously, if you think the other person pointed out a valid flaw and you want to improve, then go ahead.  Keep in mind it is better to change for yourself than for someone else.  If you are uncertain whether you want to make the change, consider:

-  if the change is truly for the better
-  whether the change is really for your benefit or your date's (the change will help you improve as a person rather than merely accommodate to your date's preferences)
-  how major the change is
-  how important that trait/value/activity is to you (how much it is the essence of who you are)
-  how difficult the change would be

Keep in mind that everyone has different preferences.  You may change for one person, but someone else may like that particular trait you have.  For example, I thought that my petite size would not be considered attractive since the typical beautiful woman portrayed in the media is tall.  However, I learned from dating that there is a subpopulation of men who prefer petite women.

Helpful links:
Be picky or settle?
Can people change?

The most important thing about unsuccessful first dates is what you learn from them.  Try to learn about yourself and improve as a person.  The second dates will naturally come afterwards.  (Read about my worst date ever... and what I learned.)