Freezing my eggs

I want to share something that is very personal.  I debated about sharing my experience on freezing my eggs, but I hope to help women (and men) learn more about it.  It may seem somewhat liberal but is becoming more mainstream. 

Reasons for freezing
I am in my mid-30s and was concerned that I would not find a husband and have children in time.  Freezing my eggs has relieved this time pressure.  It doesn't mean that I will procrastinate dating or having children, but the "deadline" can be temporarily pushed back.  Freezing my eggs gives me "reproductive insurance" so I don't feel rushed, nor feel so bad when my dates are not near ideal husband material or when a relationship ends.  I can enjoy my dates more, rather than feel the stress of each date being an audition for a husband.  Even if I meet a potential Mr. Right tomorrow, I want to spend enough time with him to know him well and decide whether I want to have children with him.  I don't want to rush into marriage just because I want to have children by a certain age given the risks of birth defects associated with advanced maternal age.  Even if I marry someone in a few years, or end up never meeting Mr. Right, I can still use the eggs I froze because they will be of better genetic quality since they are from my younger self.  Medical technology has essentially helped stop my biological clock.  And it has given me a sense of control over this (reproductive) part of my life.

My fertility doctor showed me a chart listing the chances of having a baby for women in various age groups.  There was a slight difference in fertility between women who were 32 and 35, but a bigger difference between women who were 35 and 38.  So I wanted to freeze my eggs as soon as possible. 

Special considerations
Unfortunately, my insurance would not cover the cost because it was an elective procedure.  There was nothing medically wrong with me, per se.  So I paid out of pocket, which totaled over $10K for the medical visits, medications, and harvest.  There was also a fee for egg storage which was several hundred dollars each year.  This annual fee covered all the eggs to be stored. It does not cover fertilizing or implanting them later.

I recommend researching your area to review the reputation and statistics/success rates of local fertility doctors/centers.  In addition to going to one with a good reputation, location is important as well.  Because you will need daily office visits each morning for about two weeks, it is convenient to pick a place near your home or work. 

Biology 101
Within each ovary are many follicles.  Each follicle contains an immature egg.  Girls are born with all the (immature) eggs she will have in her lifetime.  Over time, the number of eggs decreases.  By puberty, she will have hundreds of thousands left. With each menstrual cycle, another thousand or so are lost, and usually only one egg matures and is released.  With estrogen injections, more eggs mature.  After the eggs are harvested, the doctors see how many are mature or good.  Ideally, 20 eggs are harvested which will likely result in 1-3 babies (but technically could mean 0-20 kids). I have two friends in their late 30's who only harvested 4-5 eggs each.  Another friend underwent several harvests and yielded 14-22 eggs per cycle but only half were usable.  Most women my age harvest 10-12 eggs per cycle.  I was fortunate to have 18 eggs harvested during my cycle, and all were good.

The daily routine 
The entire process takes about 8-14 days.  Once my menstrual period started, I called the fertility nurse because the hormone injections need to be started early in the cycle.  Every morning before work, I had blood drawn to track my estrogen level.  Because the phlebotomists tried to reuse the same couple of veins (which I appreciated), there were multiple track marks and bruises on my arm.  (I could have been mistaken for an intravenous drug user.)  I also had a transvaginal ultrasound every morning to track the maturation of my eggs.  Every afternoon, I received a phone call from the nurse to tell me how many vials of hormones to inject that night, which depended on my estrogen level and maturation of eggs from that morning's labs and ultrasound. 

Hormone injections 
Every night, around the same time (within a 30-60 minute window), I gave myself hormone (estrogen) injections in the lower abdomen to help my eggs mature.  During the second week, I also had to give myself another set of hormone injections every morning to prevent ovulation.  I am generally an independent person but needed a friend to be there for emotional support the first time I gave myself a hormone injection.  I had never given myself an injection before, and it seemed scary.  I was fine after the first time though because I knew what to expect. 

The process of hormone injection starts with preparing the hormone solution by adding saline to the vial of hormone powder and then drawing the solution into a syringe.  The needle I used to inject myself was thin (27 gauge) and 3/4 inch long.  I first cleaned the site of injection with an alcohol pad, pinched the abdomen upwards, and then injected the entire length of the needle.  Sometimes it burned as I injected the needle or hormone.  After I removed the syringe, I put an alcohol pad over the site and applied pressure for a few minutes.  Rubbing and massaging the site helped it burn less. 

If you are concerned about the pain associated with injections (or just feel sad/frustrated/tired during any part of this process), just think about the reason you are going through this ordeal - for your future children - and it will help you gather courage.  The hardship from these two weeks will be well worth it when you are holding your baby.

Hyperstimulation syndrome
Although I am extremely happy with my 18 eggs, they came with a health risk.  I was able to produce many eggs because my ovaries responded very well to the estrogen injections.  My estrogen levels were so high that it made my doctors uncomfortable because I was at risk for forming a clot or having a stroke.  I was having daily headaches which made the doctors more nervous that the headaches could be due to a clot or stroke.  They even asked if I wanted to cancel the harvest 36 hours prior to the procedure.  I declined and took the risk because I did not want to come out empty-handed after all I went through and the money I spent.  My ovaries were also very large because there were so many maturing eggs that I was at risk for ovarian torsion.  (I was able to sometimes feel where my ovaries were because of their large size.)  Given my risks, I had to be somewhat active to minimize my chances of forming a clot but could not be too active that I would torse my ovary.

The harvest

How I felt during the process

The harvest is done by placing an instrument transvaginally to suction the eggs from the ovaries.  Because the procedure is done under general anesthesia, you need someone to accompany you on the day of the procedure.  However, the doctors can only know when the harvest will be two days prior to the procedure.  So I scheduled various friends on different days to accompany me.  This way, I would not burden any single friend to clear their schedule for multiple consecutive days.  In return for their help, I jokingly told my friends that I would make them an omelet. 

After the harvest

After I awoke from the anesthesia, I felt tremendous abdominal bloating and discomfort which caused me to have difficulty walking.  (I was walking as slow as a grandmother).  The doctor said that women usually go back to work the day after the harvest.  I have a high tolerance for pain yet I felt I needed two days.  The symptoms gradually subsided over 2-3 days. 

Most women gain 5 pounds per harvest and have a hard time losing the weight.  Because I am very thin and petite, I gained 3 pounds but lost it one week post-harvest.  My period came two weeks after the harvest and was very heavy, which was to be expected since my uterus was preparing for multiple babies.  

I want to have two children.  Because statistics suggest that 20 eggs will likely yield 1-3 babies, I am concerned that I may only end up with one child from my 18 eggs.  Therefore, I will undergo a second harvest. 

How to make your personality more attractive

People who are physically attractive are usually treated better and get more dates.  (See my post on How to make yourself more physically attractive.)  Chemistry based on physical attraction may ignite sparks that lead to a relationship, but personality is what sustains it.  No matter how beautiful you are, your looks will eventually fade or your partner may habituate to your looks.  Or you will turn quickly turn "ugly" if your personality is subpar.
 
Awareness of self and others
Although you are important, the world does not revolve around you.  Appreciate the people in your life.

1.  Be aware of how you feel, act, and come across to others.  Ask friends and family to use five adjectives to best describe you.  This allows you to see whether your perception of yourself is similar to how others perceive you.
2.  Write a personal mission statement and create a list of goals.  This will help you define who you are, clarify what/who is important to you, and focus on how you want to live and the direction you want to take in life. 
3.  Empathize and put yourself in the other person's shoes before judging.
4.  If someone upsets you, take a step back, look at the situation objectively, and consider a reason why the person may have done what they did.  Tactfully talk to the other person about the situation.  If they wronged you, forgive easily.  If you wronged them, admit it.
5.  Try not to talk badly about anyone (it is to easy to fall into this trap). 
6.  Take responsibility for your faults.  Do not be quick to blame others. 
7.  Offer constructive criticism in a non-offensive way or call attention to their mistakes indirectly.  (See my post on Tips for communication.)
8.  If you are in a conversation where the other person is badmouthing someone, defend those who are not present to defend themselves.
9.  Keep up-to-date with local and world news.  It gives you a wider perspective about many things (various issues, government, health/science, economy, communities, cultures, foreign countries, life).  Aside from fostering personal growth and learning, it also provides good conversation topics and makes you (sound) more intelligent.  Discussing issues and ideas are better than talking about people (i.e., gossiping).

Be happy with who you are
Happiness comes from yourself.  How can you expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself?

1.  No one is perfect.  Accept your faults and/or try to improve them.  You do not have control of your background (i.e., where you came from or what your upbringing was), but you can determine who you become.
2.  Love yourself.  If you don't love yourself, why should you expect others to?
3.  Live simply.  Appreciate loved ones and be grateful for the things you have.  Don't envy or be sad for what you don't have.  Otherwise, you will never be satisfied because there will always be something you covet.
4.  Find or develop a passion or goal, and engage in meaningful activities.  Spend time with people you love or doing things you enjoy.
5.  Have good integrity, even when no one is watching.  The right thing to do is usually the harder thing to do.
6.  Be confident and self-encouraging.  Fake confidence even if you are not truly confident, because it will eventually make you actually confident. 

Be positive
No one wants to be around someone who is a grouch all the time.

1.  Find something positive in a bad situation.  It is not what happens to you that matters, but how you perceive it and react.  Look at a problem as a challenge or an experience from which you will learn or build character.  You may not be able to change other people or your surroundings, but you can change yourself and how your perceive things.
2.  Our lifetime is finite.  Enjoy the moment.  Do not waste precious time worrying about things you cannot control such as the past (just learn from it) or the future.  Find joy in the smaller pleasures in life.  Do not be bothered by the little things.  Even the bigger problems will likely be inconsequential in a few years.
3.  The purpose of complaining should be either to vent or to make a change for the better.
4.  Smile (even when you are not happy).
5.  Be kind and generous to others and yourself.  Treat yourself to something nice occasionally.
6.  Be humble.  Be quick to praise/appreciate others, and slow/cautious to criticize.   
 
Be present, confident and engaging 
Be engaged and interact with people.

1.  When someone invites you to go somewhere or do something, accept if possible.  It is an opportunity to be social, meet people, and have a new experience.
2.  In your daily routine, there are many chances to connect with people.  Do not just focus on what is at hand.  You can talk with people at work or while waiting on line at a coffee shop or grocery store (just be careful who you strike a conversation with).  Do not close yourself off in your office/cubicle or by checking your phone or plugging your ears with headphones to listen to music while waiting on line. 
3.  Have good eye contact.  Smile.
4.  Form close friendships by being a good listener, carrying meaningful conversations, and be genuinely interested in others. 

"The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.  The true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.  It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years."

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."

"As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.  Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm."  - Audrey Hepburn 

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."
- Mahatma Ghandi

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."  - Plato

How to make yourself more physically attractive

Women have insecurities about her body and in romantic relationships.  However, we can combat these concerns by making ourselves more attractive and communicating concerns to our partners.  In regards to insecurities about our body and how attractive we are, it is best to stop comparing ourselves to other women and start focusing on ourselves.  There will always be someone more attractive or younger.  Even if you are already attractive and young, you will eventually age (don't want to be a bummer, but I have to be realistic) and personality will be what carries you through time.  Besides, you don't want someone who is only interested in your looks anyway.  Relationships based on physicality do not last long and/or are not as happy.

Although I do not promote superficiality, looking better makes you more confident and feel good about yourself.  We can only try to be the best person we can be.  And that encompasses two main elements - appearance and personality.  (See my post on How to make your personality more attractive.)  But the things you do to improve yourself should really be for you, not for a man.  Besides, men have different tastes and preferences.  You cannot conform to every man's preferences.  It is best to just be yourself and he will/should love you for who you are.  (See my post on What impresses women and men.) 

Body
You are only given one body, so be good to it.  Your body will treat you well if you treat it well.

1.  Exercise to be in shape.  Weight and body type play a large factor in attraction, so it is important to maintain a good physique.  You will also feel more energetic, confident and positive with exercise and an attractive, healthy body.
2.  Eat healthy.  You are what you eat.  Your body is built upon the nutrients you feed it.  If you give your body mostly junk food, your body will become "junk."  Your body is like a car.  It will work better and last longer if you use premium oil than regular.  So have a sensible and well-balanced diet.  Starving yourself is an unhealthy way to become thinner.
3.  Drink more water.  A good indication of adequate hydration is having light yellow or clear urine.
4.  Get adequate quality sleep.  You will feel more energetic and have fewer eye circles/bags.
5.  Groom yourself and maintain good hygiene.  You want to look presentable and show that you take care of yourself.  Mani-pedi's add to the polished appearance.  When brushing teeth, brush your tongue to help prevent bad breath. You could be Angelina Jolie but if you have bad breath or body odor, you will drive Brad Pitt away. 
6.  Remove excessive facial and body hair.  Pluck, shave, bleach, wax or laser it.  Common areas people often forget about are stray hairs in between the eyes, emanating from the nose, above the lip, and under the chin... (and for the men - hair in the ears).
7.  Have good posture.  It will make you appear more confident and taller (and have a bigger chest).
8.  Improve what you feel you issues have with.
-  Too short?  (I prefer the term petite.)  Wear high heels.
-  Too tall?  Wear flats.
-  Flat chested?  Wear a bra with a lift. (For a more polished look, use a bra strap holder to prevent the straps from showing or falling off your shoulder.)
-  Have unattractive feet?  (Hammertoes and bunions are often a result of wearing uncomfortable shoes.)  See a podiatrist.

Face

From Princess Diaries

We have all seen a movie or show where the geeky girl transforms into a beauty when she wears makeup, changes her hairstyle, puts on contacts, and dresses better.

1.  The purpose of makeup is to hide blemishes and enhance facial features.  However, most men do not like women who wear excessive makeup.  You also do not want to scare or disappoint him if you wear a lot of makeup but look very different when he sees you later without any makeup.  I personally prefer natural-looking makeup so my face looks enhanced without looking like I'm wearing (much) makeup.  Women may think glitter on makeup is attractive but men don't care much for it.
2.  Go to a place/store where a professional makeup artist can give you a makeover and makeup tips.  First check out how they put on their own makeup or how they make up other clients to see if you like their work.  They tend to put on a lot of makeup so tell them if you have preferences (e.g., a natural but enhanced look, emphasis on making your eyes stand out).  They may encourage you to buy products afterwards.  Don't feel pressured to buy them all, just the ones you think you will use.  Ask if they can give you samples if you are unsure.
3.  BB creams are an all-in-one facial product that acts as a moisturizer, primer, foundation, and sunblock.  It is tinted so it evens skin tone and hides blemishes.
4.  Wear sunscreen on both your face and neck to prevent premature wrinkles and age spots.  People often forget to take care of their neck, and it gives away their age even though their face appears younger.
5.  Research has shown that men are attracted towards red lipstick. 
6.  A healthy, clear complexion with a glow catches a lot of attention.  So if you have skin problems such as moderate to severe acne, consider treatment or see a dermatologist.  If you have oily skin, occasionally powder or blot your face to remove excess oil.
7.  Eyebrows are particularly important because they shape your face and eyes.  I suggest having them professionally done the first time so they will be shaped well.  Afterwards, you can maintain them yourself.  Be careful not to make them too thin or short though. 
8.  Wear contacts or glasses, whichever flatters your face better (it's contacts for most people).
9.  Wear a flattering hairstyle, especially one that conforms to the shape of your face.  Trim/cut your hair regularly to keep the ends healthy.  If you have longer hair, having different looks/styles such as braids and/or flowers in the hair can be attractive because men do not see the same look every time.
10. Switch/alternate your facial and hair products.  Your body gets used to the same products over time, making them work less well.
11. Smiling makes you more attractive.  If you do not have (relatively) perfect teeth, consult your dentist about whitening or straightening them.  You will want to smile more and show off your teeth if you have a great set of pearly whites.

Clothing
The function of clothes is more than keeping us warm and preventing us from getting arrested for indecent exposure.  Clothes can help us hide our worst features and emphasize our best ones.  We can improve our appearance (and confidence) by dressing better.  But dressing better does not necessarily mean dressing younger, wearing tight clothes, or showing more skin.

1.  It is best to look presentable, age-appropriate, and classy.  Classy does not mean the clothing has to be formal or expensive.  But it should look neat without wrinkles, clean, well-maintained, and most importantly, good on you.
2.  From clothes to bra, wear things that fit you well and flatter you (most women wear the incorrect bra size).  Fitting well does not mean that the clothing has to be tight.  In fact, it may be less flattering if you are not thin and wear something tight because it focuses attention on the problem areas (common areas include the belly and sides of the back).  Different cuts of clothing are more appropriate for certain body shapes.  Watch What Not to Wear or hire a wardrobe consultant.
3.  Quality over quantity.  If you have a limited budget, I recommend buying a few good-quality articles of clothing over many poor-quality ones because the good-quality clothes will look better and last longer.  You don't want clothes that will pill, stretch, shrink, bleed, fade, damage, or wrinkle easily.
4.  When buying clothes, consider how easy it would be to maintain it.  Does it require ironing frequently?  (I prefer garment steamers which remove wrinkles quicker and do not damage fabrics.)  If you have a lot of clothes that require dry cleaning, can you afford this expense regularly?
5.  Tailor your clothes if needed.  But add the cost of tailoring to the price tag when purchasing the item to decide whether it is worth the overall price. 

Cinderella as she transforms

6.  Go through your closet.
-  You may discover clothes you forgot about but still like.
-  Mix and match clothes and accessories to create many combinations.  This will make you seem more stylish and as if you have more outfits and various looks.
-  Donate clothes and accessories you no longer like or wear.  Most of us only wear a small fraction of the clothes we own.
-  You should look forward to wearing your clothes.  If you are unsure about keeping a certain article of clothing, ask yourself, "Would I want to be seen wearing this if I bumped into an ex?"  If you haven't worn an item for 1-2 years, then donate it because it implies you don't like it enough (unless you haven't worn it because it is only for special occasions).  Going forward, if you want to keep track of which clothes you have worn, turn the hanger around so the hook faces the opposite direction when you hang up the item after wearing it. 
-  If your wardrobe consists of only a few colors, consider buying clothes of other colors for a refreshing look.  For example, several of my friends primarily have clothes in blue, gray or black.  When they wear a brighter color, they appear more vibrant and young.
-  If you do not want to get rid of clothes for sentimental reasons, think of how long you will keep them for - a lifetime?  Keep pieces that are most sentimental or representative of that era or memory.
-  If you are keeping clothes because you think they will come back in style later - there is no guarantee that it will happen.  And even if it did, that will take decades, your clothes may not be in good condition by then, and the new style will probably have a modern version, so your clothes will still look dated.
-  Aside from clothes you keep because they are necessary (such as a sweatshirt for cold weather), keep clothes that are "basic" (such as a white tank top/cami) or classic because they are versatile and can be worn on various occasions.  There will be also clothes you keep just to wear at home or on occasions where the clothes may get dirty (such as cleaning, gardening or painting). 
-  Tailor clothes that you like but do not fit well.
7.  I used to wear plain monochromatic oversized clothing.  Then I revamped my entire wardrobe by buying more stylish clothes that fit me (sometimes they required tailoring).  Now I feel more confident and frequently get compliments. 

Age
It is all mentality.  Your attitude contributes to the aura you exude, and people generally prefer to be in the presence of others who are light and lively.  Are you young at heart, or a 20 year old going on 70?  Be happy with your age and current stage of life.  Every stage has its good points.

1.  When you are young, you are more attractive and have the advantage of time, energy, and potential.
2.  When you are older, you are more self-aware, secure about yourself, confident, mature and wise, established in your career and life, financially better off, and aware of what you want in life and in a partner.

Women's insecurities in romantic relationships

Woman may have numerous types of insecurities.  (See my post on Women's insecurities about her body.)  In relationships, women want to know that they are appreciated for both their body and everything else other than their body.  If this is not clear to them, some women tend to overanalyze situations, and take small details and build a whole story from them.  Therefore, it is best to understand what some of these insecurities are so they can be alleviated. 

Short-term relationships

When will he call? 
Men, if you went out on a date, or got the contact information of a girl you are interested in, don't wait too long to contact us even though you don't want to appear too eager.  Be considerate.  Women do not like men who play games.  If you want to wait a little before contacting us, I would suggest no longer than 2-4 days.  The older we are, the less of a waiting game we want to play.  If you are busy, just send a brief text or email saying you are busy but will contact her again soon to chat or meet.  It puts you in a good light by demonstrating that you are reliable and thinking of us even if you are busy.  However, if you specify that you will call on a certain day, make sure to call her on that day.  Otherwise, you will give the impression that you cannot keep your word.

Is he interested in me?  
If a woman is interested in a man, she naturally wants to know if the feeling is mutual.  So guys, let her know that you are interested - tell her straightout, or hint by giving her a casual call/text/email or flowers.  (You can get more ideas from my post on What impresses women and men.) 

Does he just want to sleep with me?
It is important to discuss whether you are looking for a casual or serious relationship early so there is no confusion.  If both parties want a serious relationship, then it is a matter of getting a feel of how quickly the other person wants to progress in intimacy.  Either explicitly discuss it, or go slow and follow her signals.

Is he seeing someone else?
Especially in the world of online dating, it is common that your date is communicating with, or seeing, other people.  It is important to be honest about this, either when asked or by bringing the topic up yourself.  And when you are at the point in the relationship where you want to be mutually exclusive, have a conversation about it.  Do not assume that sleeping together means that you will be (or already are) mutually exclusive, so perhaps this topic should be broached prior to being intimate.   

Long-term relationships

Does he still find me attractive? 
Passion in the relationship usually simmers over time and women may think that you are no longer interested in her.  It is important to reassure her that you still find her attractive and love her.  Therefore, compliment her, write her a note, or plan something outside of the daily routine.  (See my posts on Ideas for dates and What impresses women and men.)

Is he interested in someone else?
Think about why she may think you are interested in someone else.  Is it because she had a prior partner who cheated on her?  Or is it because you are giving her a reason to think that you are cheating - do you flirt, look at other women, or barely pay attention to her?  Whatever the reason, address it.  Reassure her that you are only interested in her and not anyone else, and that you do not intend to cheat.

How is my performance in bed?
Men are not the only ones who have performance anxiety.  Women also want to know that they are satisfying their partner.  So let her know that you are happy with the way things are going.  But if you are not happy, tell her delicately.  Do not say what she is doing wrong.  Instead, tell her there is a different technique or something new that you want to try.

Will this relationship lead to marriage?
Most (but not all) women want to eventually get married.  If you have no intention of marrying her, let her know soon.  If you think there may be a chance of marriage, discuss it casually or allude to it (either the topic of marriage in general or marrying her specifically) so she knows it is a possibility in the future.  However, the further along in the relationship, the more serious you would have to be about taking the plunge.

Other insecurities

There are other things that women may feel insecure about in a relationship.  She may think that her financial status/income, job/career, intelligence, educational level, or even fertility may affect how her partner perceives her.  This applies to women on both ends of the spectrum.  (See my post on Difficulties of being a woman with a successful career in dating.)

Women's insecurities about her body

From speaking with both male and female friends over the years, I have learned that women have various insecurities.  (See my post on Women's insecurities in romantic relationships.)  The following are general insecurities that some women have about her body (may not apply to every woman).

* Please note that these are not my own insecurities... not that I don't have any.  My insecurity is that you won't revisit my blog, or share my blog on Facebook or Twitter (so please do!).

Does this outfit make me look fat?

Body dysmorphia

Women:  Even if we are as thin as a twig, we often feel (at one time or another) that there is at least one part of our body, if not our entire body, that is fat.

Men:  This is entrapment.  When she asks you that dreadful question, if you don't think she looks fat, you can answer, "What?!  You look like you need a piece of cake!"  If you do think she looks fat, don't say that it does.  Instead, suggest another outfit that is more flattering on her, or quickly change the subject.

I am getting old 

Women:  It seems that society thinks that when men age, they become distinguished; when women age, they become old hags.  Therefore, we feel less attractive as we age.  However, no matter what age we are, we often feel that we are old, or at least relatively older.  A 40 year old will think she is old compared to a 20 year old, but a 70 year old will think the 40 year old is young!

Men:  Make her feel that she is the only woman you want to be with.  Her life experiences and accomplishments have helped her to develop maturity and provide valuable insight into things.  Appreciate these qualities and how important they are to you and your relationship.  

My boobs are too small (or too big)
Why don't men have good eye contact?  Because nipples are not considered eyes!

Women:  Most of us want bigger breasts because we think men want that.  But not all men are obsessed with big breasts (although sometimes it seems that way).  Some men don't care about breast size, or even prefer small breasts.  Some men are more into legs or butts.  On the other end of the spectrum, women who are well-endowed may complain about back pain, and that men are attracted towards them primarily based on their chest.  These women may also feel that men do not respect them as much for their mind and personality, and they have to work harder to prove that they are more than just a Barbie doll.

Men:  Please try to control yourself and do not stare at our chest.  Please show us respect and don't embarrass yourself.  And if you think you are slickly sneak furtive glances, we can still tell!  Whatever breast size your partner has, tell her that they are beautiful (especially if they are small).

I am too short (or too tall)

Women:  Most of us want to be taller because we think tall, long-legged women are more desirable.  But keep in mind that some men prefer petite women.  On the other hand, tall women may feel self-conscious about their height, and think their selection of men is limited because they need to find someone the same height or taller.

Men:  Reassure her that you like her size (petite or tall).  And be confident being with her (especially if she is taller).
 
I am unattractive

Women:  We are concerned about our fashion sense (style, clothes, shoes, jewelry, handbags), makeup, hair (color, shape, thickness, balding, excessive facial or body hair), or butt size/shape.  We may check out other women and envy those who have what we don't.  But the grass is always greener on the other side.  Women with straight hair perm their hair or use a curling iron.  Women with curly hair get a straight perm or use a straight iron.  Women with a small butt want a bigger, rounder one because that is the current trend.  Women with a big, round butt want a smaller one because they feel fat.  (See my post on How to make yourself more physically attractive.)

Men:  Praise her about these things.  Notice if she is wearing a new outfit or shoes, or has a new haircut/hairstyle.  She puts in effort to look good for you, so it would be great if you acknowledge it.

Snow White's stepmother was so insecure about her looks that she would kill to be the most beautiful.

Ideas for dates

The goal of the first date should be to learn about the other person, so conversation over drinks or a meal suffices.  But the goal of learning about the other person extends to later dates.  A good date would include an activity that involves interaction, and even better if it is an activity where you work together towards a common goal.  This will reveal how compatible your date will be as a partner. 

Here are some ideas for cool dates. You can even find discounts for some of the suggested activities below on websites such as Groupon and Living Social.

1.  Scavenger hunt, adventure game, or mystery/crime interactive show
This is one of my favorites.  It allows you to see how well you work together and involves excitement.  Stray boots and Accomplice have such games in various cities.

2.  Picking fruit or vegetables on a farm
Then you can use these ingredients for the next activity...

3.  Cooking (or baking) together
Preferably a dish that is new to both of you.  Or have a cook-off and pick one main ingredient that each of you must use in your individual dish, then taste each other's dish.  I suggest not preparing a dish with a lot of garlic or onions, so you don't have bad breath later.

From the movie Up

4.  Hot air balloon ride
Make sure your date is not deathly afraid of heights.

5.  Visit a zoo/aquarium, museum, or botanical garden (my favorite time to go is when the cherry blossoms are blooming) - provides a good opportunity to hold hands

6.  Ice skating (another opportunity to hold hands)

7.  Horseback riding

8.  Arcade, fair, or carnival (win her a huge stuffed animal!)

9.  "fests": Oktoberfest, beerfest, oysterfest, film festival, jazz festival, Just For Laughs

10. Amusement park
It has been shown that the adrenaline rush from rollercoasters makes emotions more intense, and therefore, feelings for your date are heightened.

11. Volunteer together (e.g., at a soup kitchen, animal shelter, or Habitat for Humanity)
This shows your altruistic side and you get to work together to help others.  Win-win!

12. A (unique) show - either on stage, or at a convention (such as ComicCon or AutoShow)

13. Comedy club, improv show, or poetry cafe
Impress her by reading a poem that you wrote for her in front of the audience!

14. Concert (even better if your date is a fan of the performer)

15. Sporting event (even better if it is the playoffs/finals)

16. Taking a class or lessons together (cooking, sailing, pottery, art, dancing, bartending, archery, photography, martial arts)
You can simulate the scene from Ghost during the pottery class, or paint a portrait of your date!

From the movie Ghost

17. For the adventurer: skydiving, ziplining, bungee jumping, piloting a twin-engine plane, or rock climbing
The adrenaline rush theory also applies here.

18. For those who like water activities: sailing, kayaking, rowboating, rafting, or water skiing

19. For the athletic partner: Training for a marathon/triathalon together or picking up a new sport together

20. Spa day
A couples massage would be ideal after an extraneous physical activity to relax sore muscles.
Men, don't be afraid to get facials too - women appreciate nice skin on their partner as well.

21. For activities/sports that do not require a lot of athletics: billiards, table tennis, bowling, or (miniature) golf/driving range
If she is unfamiliar with how to play or hold the equipment, this allows the guy to get close to her when he shows her.  But if she beats you at the game, don't be a sore loser!  Since I am decent at playing these games, my "test" for men is how they handle it if I beat them.

22. Beach
Be creative in making a sand sculpture together, or have a contest to see who can make the coolest sculpture.
Remember to put on sunscreen since you would not look very attractive sunburned.  You can offer to apply sunscreen on your date, but you are only doing this purely out of concern for sun damage, not because you want to feel them up.  Of course that is the reason.

23. Game night
With friends - interactive games are best (Pictionary, Taboo, Cranium, and Outburst are my favorites).
Or alone - try a bedroom board game! (only if you are up to that point in your relationship)
If you really want to impress your date, create your own board or card game using memories, factoids, or keepsakes from prior dates in your relationship.

24. Just walking around and getting lost (in a safe neighborhood)

25. Stroll/(tandem) bike/rollerblade along the water on a promenade or across a bridge

26. Picnic with a game (board game, cards, frisbee, or ball)
You don't have to picnic in a grassy area.  Be creative.  For example, you can picnic on a rooftop of a building with a nice view (but I would recommend against playing frisbee or ball there!).

27. Planting a tree or landscaping

28. Food, chocolate, or wine tour (or winery)

29. Cruise - either a dinner/sunset cruise, or 1-2 night getaway cruise
Bring Dramamine in case your date gets seasick.

30. (Surprise) road trip or weekend getaway
Even better if there is a theme (e.g., going to Washington DC for the national cherry blossom festival).
Maybe stay at a Bed and Breakfast.
Check for discounts on last minute getaways/cruises/flights.

Can you be friends with an ex?

After "The Architect" and I stopped seeing each other (please see my post Progress report: Five months of online dating), I was debating whether I should still keep in touch and just be friends.  I think he is a good guy and I don't harbor any negative feelings against him.  We were just not compatible.

There are situations in which couples decide to stay friends, or it is easier for them to be friends:

-  You have to.  For example, you share a social circle or work together.
-  You were good friends before and/or during the romantic relationship, and had a mutual or civil breakup without hard feelings.
-  You are both truly over the other person.
-  You are both dating someone else, and are both happy with your new boy/girlfriend.
-  You both may want to get back together later.
-  You are lonely and/or do not have a good support system (friends/family).
-  You want to help the other person cope post-breakup.
* Note that most of these situations require both parties to feel the same way.

But there are cons about being friends with an ex:

-  It is harder to get over them, and will hurt more if they have gotten over you.
-  Being with them brings back (good) memories.  And you don't think about the problems that led to the breakup.
-  You get mixed signals (and have false hope) because they are being friendly.
-  You do similar things as friends as you did when dating.  This may lead to confusion about your status.
-  There will be a romantic connection.  If you had your heart broken, you crave to get back together.  You want to kiss them but can't.  If you were the heartbreaker, you may feel uncomfortable knowing that your ex still has feelings for you.  You have to avoid situations that may lead to something romantic and avoid doing things that give them false hope.
-  They will eventually start dating someone else.  How will you act and feel then?  Can you still be their friend?  And if they end up getting married, would you attend their wedding (would they even invite you)?
-  You may not be able to fully disclose your personal life (such as who you are dating).  
-  You may not be able to always be emotionally supportive (such as being happy for them when they are dating someone awesome).
-  You may not always want to help them (e.g., help select an engagement ring for their fiance-to-be).
-  The new person you/your ex is dating will likely not be thrilled about your friendship.

I am not saying it is impossible to be friends with an ex.  It certainly is possible, as some of my friends have done it.  However, it is difficult.  The quality of the friendship may not be as good as a platonic one.  And if your ex hurt you or did not make you happy while you were dating, why spend time and energy on your ex rather than family and friends who truly care about you?  If you were the one who hurt your ex, be careful about giving them false hope if you stay friends.

Rachel and Ross on Friends: A great example of how difficult it is to stay platonic after a breakup