Conflict resolution

There will inevitably be conflicts in every long-term relationship.  Expect them.  What is important is how you handle them.  You have the choice of being proactive and working it out with your partner, or keeping quiet and hope things resolve on their own (but this will less likely happen). 

We are storytellers

Some conflicts arise from seeing or hearing something "suspicious."  We then invent stories, or add meaning or motive, to explain what happened.  These made up stories may or may not be accurate, but we develop emotions and form judgement based on our perception of what happened.  Finally, we act upon these perceptions, usually when we are in an emotional state.  For example, you see your boyfriend's credit card receipt from a florist but he has not recently bought you flowers (the suspicious act).  So you figure he must be seeing another woman (your invented story).  You become angry (your emotion) and go through his apt, computer and phone to see if you can find more evidence of an affair (acting upon emotion).  Shortly afterwards, he comes home to find his apt trashed and you start frantically accusing him of cheating.

In such situations, it is best to be objective and not emotional.  Think of the facts and ask yourself: 

What other explanations can there be?  
Why would a reasonable person do this?  
What objective evidence is there to support my story? 

When to complain

If there is an issue, it is best to talk about it with your partner.  This does not mean to complain about everything that bothers you.  Complaining should serve a purpose: 1) you are upset and need to vent, or 2) it is an attempt to make a change for the better.

If there is something you dislike or are upset about, think about whether you need to actually confront the other person:
Is it your problem or theirs?  It is your problem if your needs are not being met.   
Does it bother or affect you to the point that you need to intervene?  
Is the issue worth confronting them? 

You may not always be able change other people, but you can change yourself.  You can change your perceptions, emotions, actions and habits.  Once you decide that the problem extends beyond you or what you can do, requires a change or input from your partner, and/or is a problem worth discussing, have the talk with your partner early so your emotions will not fester and blow up later.  Think about what you would like to say, and how you would phrase it.  Imagine possible reactions and responses your significant other may have, and how you would handle each scenario.

Having the discussion
Some people are brutally blunt and may use the excuse that they are just being honest if they hurt someone's feelings.  But one is not restricted to being honest and attacking, or being kind and withholding.  There is usually a way to be honest yet respectful.  

During your conversation, focus on the issue and motive.  Think about what you really want for yourself, your partner, and the relationship.  Clarify what you want and do not want.  Perhaps you want your partner to change something about themselves, or just to have your opinion heard.  If the conversation gets heated and digresses from these objectives, refocus and steer the conversation back.

The tone of the conversation should be relaxed yet firm.  If you are addressing a complaint or issue, first state the facts since one cannot argue with the facts.  Do not give opinions.  (I found your credit card receipt from the florist).  Then explain your side/story so they see why you are upset (I thought you may be having an affair because that is how my friend found out her husband was cheating on her).  Then ask for your partner's explanation and feelings (My friend's mother passed away so I was sending flowers to the funeral).

If you are addressing a behavior, first describe the behavior objectively in detail.  (You leave dirty dishes in the sink without washing them for weeks.)  Give examples of recent instances.  (That happened the last three times your friends came over to watch a football game.)  Next, state the consequence of that behavior.  (When the sink is full, it is difficult to use it and cook.)  Then describe your feelings about that behavior and its consequence.  (That makes me frustrated.)  Avoid mentioning your partner's character or personality.  Lastly, pause to hear their response.

Make the discussion "safe"
Actively listen to what your significant other has to say.  Do not just hear what you want.  Clarify information if needed.  Genuinely try to understand them and the message they are telling you.  Focus on their content of speech, emotions, tone of voice, and body language.  Do not interrupt, attack, or be judgmental.  If your partner feels disrespected, attacked or humiliated, they will become defensive or upset, and act on those emotions.  Look for signs of these in their tone of voice and body language.  If you see such signs, do not respond by getting defensive or emotional.  Instead, make your significant other feel safe that they can freely share their thoughts without any negative consequence.

Make the discussion safe by:
1.  Reminding your partner of your goal - you are trying to help them, or attempting to work out a solution for your differences.

2.  Encouraging your significant other to talk about the (real) reason they are upset.  Paraphrase (not parrot) their response and confirm that it is correct (so you truly hear and understand them).  If they are silent, state your hypotheses as to why you think they are upset.

3.  Apologizing when appropriate - but do not constantly apologize.  (I didn't mean to offend you.  I just wanted to be honest and talk to you about the issue so we can work it out.  Our relationship is important to me.)

The solution/compromise
After you hear your partner's response, it is time to work on the solution or compromise.  You may or may not have a solution ready to propose, but talking about it with your significant other may help the two of you arise at other potential solutions together.  A solution that is formulated together will likely work out better than one that you or your partner thought of alone.

If your partner agrees to make a change, work out a fair solution and decide on specifics - who does what by when, and when/how to follow-up on the progress.  (See my posts on Advice for relationships and Can people change?)  If your significant other does not want to change, ask for one specific small change or small changes over time, since they are more likely to agree to that.  If you end up disagreeing, find one thing to agree on and build on that.  At a minimal, you can agree to disagree.

Ways to soften the criticism

1.  Mention your own mistakes before criticizing your significant other.

2.  Avoid "absolute" words (always, never) or negative words/phrases (stupid, bad, worst, hate, I don't like).  Instead, substitute with softer words/phrases (usually, rarely, suboptimal, less than perfect, not my favorite, less preferable, room for improvement, I prefer x over y).  Or use "not" in front of the opposite meaning (stupid = not the smartest, bad = not great/good, worst = not the best).

3.  Do not label your significant other.  (You are a dumb jerk.)  That one bad habit they have may be dumb but it does not make them a dumb person.

4.  Start with "I" to express negative feelings and avoid accusing.  Instead of, You make me feel dumb when you correct my grammar in front of friends, say, I feel dumb when you correct my grammar in front of friends.  Or state from an "objective" standpoint.  I feel dumb when my grammar is corrected in front of friends.  Then add, I know that is not your intention.  Could you please not correct my grammar, at least not in front of friends?

5.  Mention something positive relevant to the issue.  (This discussion made me feel closer to you since it proved I can openly talk to you about how I feel.)

6.  Help your partner save face.  Make the issue seem easy to correct or the change easy to make.

7.  Acknowledge any improvement your significant other may have already made in their bad habit/behavior.

How to handle being criticized
If you are on the receiving end of the criticism/complaint, avoid the natural reaction to be defensive or emotional.  Do not ignore/deny the criticism or excuse your behavior.  Instead, ask for details behind the criticism (who, what, when, where, why, how), and for specific examples of the "problem" behavior.  Explain your reasons, thoughts, and/or feelings.  Agree with the things your partner stated that were true and reiterate those points.  (You're right that I usually don't take out the garbage.)  But do not put yourself down or label yourself.  (I am selfish.)  Just because there is one thing that your partner does not like (she finds your picking your nose in front of her annoying) does not mean it generalizes to you as a person (you are an annoying person).

Think of your motive - to win/be right or for the relationship to work?  If you agree to change, then state specifically what you will do differently.  If you do not want to change, then agree with parts of your partner's complaint that you think are true.  If there is nothing you agree with, at a minimum, you can agree that your significant other has the right to their opinion.  Disagree with what you think is inaccurate, and provide proof or examples.

Please see my other post for more Tips for communication.

Tips for communication

Communication is one of the key elements crucial to any successful relationship, not just those that are romantic.  Here are some suggestions I learned over the years for better communication. 

Be clear 
1.  Readback feedback
In situations where it is important that you hear or understand your partner correctly (such as discussions involving plans or division of labor, requests to do something, or your partner is expressing negative feelings), paraphrase what your partner tells you.  Paraphrasing confirms you are both on the same page so there will be no misunderstanding. 

An example where this would have been useful is an instance where I had told my partner to meet me at 42nd St subway station.  But he thought I said 47th street (the two numbers do sound similar).  We got into an argument over what was actually said since we both waited an hour for the other person (our phones did not work underground).  This could have been easily avoided if I just asked him to confirm where we were meeting.

2.  Be careful about using pronouns.  Use the actual nouns the pronouns refer to instead.  For example, if you say, I don't like it, be specific about what "it" is.  Your partner may mistaken "it" for something else.

3.  Be specific.  Your partner is not a mind reader.  We are all guilty of having bickered due to a misunderstanding from omitting details or assuming our significant other knew what we were thinking.  

Guy:  Sweetheart, I got the eggs you asked for.

Girl:  These are large eggs.  I wanted jumbo.

Guy:  You didn't tell me that.  You just said to buy a dozen eggs.

Girl:  You should know!  Jumbo is the only size of eggs we ever have in the frig.

Guy:  You are the one in charge of buying groceries and cooking.  I can't tell the size of the egg when it is cooked!

Girl:  You never notice anything!

4.  Explain your thought process
Describe your thought process or reasoning before making your concluding statement or asking your question.  Your partner will then understand you better and not jump to conclusions.  For example, my friend's girlfriend got mad when he asked if he could start calling her his "girlfriend" after dating for a month.  She was upset because she had already assumed she was his girlfriend.  Her anger could have been prevented if he had started the conversation with, Some people do not consider themselves boyfriend-girlfriend until a certain amount of time into their relationship or after a certain milestone.  Everyone has different preferences, so I want to be respectful and would like to know if it is ok that I start calling you my girlfriend.

5.  Write things down

Sometimes it is helpful to write things down to be clear or as a reminder. 

Be honest

"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - Sir Walter Scott 

Do not lie.  It will only lead to more lies to cover up the first one.  You will also feel the burden of having to remember what you lied about.  However, you do not have to always confess the entire truth if the details are minor.  For example, your girlfriend asks the dreaded question, Does this dress make me look fat?  Even though you think it does, you can reply, I think the dress you had on last week is more flattering because the cut emphasized your figure better.  This response leads to the outcome you want (her not wearing the dress she currently has on), yet avoids lying or hurting her feelings, and sprinkles a little praise.

Some of my friends have a completely open and honest relationship with their significant other.  And other friends prefer telling white lies to avoid hurting their partner's feelings.  I understand the latter perspective, but personally, I am a proponent of being completely honest.  I try to be honest without being hurtful.  I think my partner would appreciate the truth, especially if they know my intention is good (i.e., to be open and honest) and I tell them the truth tactfully without attacking, disrespecting, or ridiculing them.

As an example, your girlfriend asks you, What do you think of my cooking?  Even though you do not enjoy her cooking, telling her you like it may be more harmful over the long-term.  You have to endure her cooking each time, and she may cook more often because she thinks you enjoy her food.  Instead of saying, I don't like your cooking, you can say, Thank you for all the work and effort you put into cooking.  I like the x dishes that you make (name one or two).  But for the y dish, it would be even better if but you just add a little more sauce. 

Complain without complaining
1.  Focus on the positive
One way to make a change without complaining (since it is negative reinforcement), is to praise your partner immediately after they do something you like (positive reinforcement).  Or if your partner has not done what you want yet, tell them what you would like (do not mention what you dislike).  And your partner will want to start doing it, and/or do it more often.  For example, you think your boyfriend uses too much pressure during massages.  Instead of complaining that he is hurting you, tell him, I like it when you massage me, especially when you use light pressure.  This gets your point across without hurting his feelings or seem like you are complaining. 

2.  Give your partner a reputation to live up to
When you declare that your partner is great at something (you should be honest about this!), they will want to perpetuate that reputation.  For example, You are great at keeping the lawn beautiful.  But I've been noticing some weeds lately.  Would you mind taking care of that? 

3.  Act cool when you "complain"
You may merely be stating an observation but it may come across as a complaint.  For example, I am hungry and there is no food in the refrigerator.  So be careful about your tone of voice and body language.  If you appear angry, it will seem like a complaint.  If you appear cool and calm, it will seem like an observation instead.  Follow your statement with your thought process that led to the statement, or by saying a change you will make/want made.  It will help your partner understand why you feel the way you do, and makes you seem like a problem solver.  It will also make your statement seem more of an observation and less of a complaint.  For example, you can follow the prior "hungry statement" with, I am going out to buy some food.  Do you want me to bring back anything for you?

4.  The feedback sandwich

First praise the person, follow with the criticism, and end with another praise.  This method helps lessen the blow of the criticism.  If done well, the other person may not even know you criticized them.  You are a very good public speaker.  What would make you even better would be if you spoke a little more slowly.  This way, people can fully hear you and appreciate the great points you are making. 

5.  Ask questions instead of giving orders
Forming your idea or request as a question will plant the seed for your partner to do it.  For example, instead of telling your partner to switch cell phone providers to the cheaper one you found, ask, I found cell phone provider A is cheaper than B.  Do you think it would be a good idea to switch?

6.  Point out your partner's mistake indirectly
Instead of telling your significant other that they did something wrong, state what is wrong without mentioning your partner was the cause.  For example, instead of saying, You forgot to clean up the water off the kitchen floor so I slipped, you can say, There was water on the kitchen floor that was not cleaned up and I slipped.  The latter statement is less accusatory yet conveys the same information.

7.  Use positive words/phrases
Positive phrases such as "even better" or "this is good already but it would be great if" make it seem that something is already wonderful, but there is still room for improvement. 

Using "I want to be respectful of your..." conveys the impression that you are thinking of the other person's best interest (hopefully, this is true!).  For example, your colleague has a dentist appointment soon but is in a talkative mood and you wish they would leave so you can do some work.  You can interrupt by saying, I enjoy chatting with you but want to be respectful of your time.  Didn't you say you have an appointment you need to get to?  

Please see my post on Conflict resolution.

Nonverbal communication

Communication is not restricted to just the content of speech (i.e., words used).  Tone of voice and body language are other ways of communicating.  What a person says may not be what they mean or really want.  Of these three factors, body language is the most indicative of what a person really wants, followed by tone of voice, and content is the least important.  For example, the word, "please" can be spoken in various ways/tones to express a different connotation: "please" in being polite during a request, "pleeeeeease" while pleading for a favor, or "puh-LEASE" in sarcasm or disgust.  Be aware of your (and your partner's) emotions and tone of voice.  Make sure the content of your words match your tone of  voice and body language.

Your partner
1.  Actively listen to your partner and hear what they are trying to tell you.  Be genuinely interested in what they say/do.  See things from their perspective.

2.  Praise and appreciate the things your significant other does.  Everyone craves acknowledgement.  Make them feel important, and do it sincerely.

3.  Say your partner's name when you talk to them.  We are narcissistic creatures and like the sound of our names. 

4.  If you want your partner to talk more, encourage them to talk about themselves or topics they are interested in.  Use open-ended questions:
How...?  
What...?  
Why...?  
What are your thoughts?  
I value your opinion and am interested to hear your thoughts on this matter.

5.  You two are on the same team.  So their problems are yours too.  Encourage your significant other to talk about anything that bothers them.  Treat it as importantly as if it was your own.  And tackle the problem together.

Advice for relationships: Lessons learned

Although I have not had many long-term relationships, I have learned from them, and hope to take these lessons with me to future relationships. 

Communicate.  Communicate.  Communicate.

Communication is instrumental to any successful relationship.  Your partner is not a mind reader.  Do not assume they know exactly what you are thinking or want.  A lot of disagreements arise due to poor communication.  Therefore, it is important to clearly communicate your thoughts and feelings.  Please see my post on Tips for communication.

Compromise
Every couple have differences and arguments.  In those instances, think about what your goal is - to win/be right or to have a good relationship?  This does not mean to always give in, but to listen to each other, objectively evaluate the situation, and not act on emotions.  You want your partner to feel comfortable that they can share anything with you without being disrespected, attacked, or instantly proven wrong.  Try to understand from the other person's perspective, and explain your own thoughts and feelings.  Be calm and respectful during the discussion.  Do not bring up irrelevant issues or past events.  Work out something that is fair and ideally benefits both of you, or at least a situation where it is not only one person who makes all the sacrifice.  When one person wins, both partners in the relationship actually lose. 

Compromise but don't compromise who you are

Inherently in a relationship, there are issues and differences in opinions, values, beliefs, styles, preferences, "personal cultures," habits, and lifestyles.  We all have to compromise in relationships for things to work.  However, it is important not to compromise who you are.  Think about the changes you are making, being asked to make, or feel you should make for the sake of the relationship.

Ask yourself:

How minor or major are the changes?  
Are the changes for my benefit, my partner's, or the relationship's?  
Are the changes reasonable to ask of me to be made?  
Do the changes affect the core of who I am? 
How comfortable do I feel making these changes?
 

Minor changes are easy.  For major changes, make those you feel are necessary, reasonable and comfortable with.  Voice any changes you do not feel comfortable with, or that you should not be making.  Also, the same partner should not always be the one accommodating to the other person.  A relationship is only successful when both partners work towards it.  Please see my forum on Can people change?

An example of a change I have made is to start exercising.  I have not exercised in years because my schedule is hectic.  However, a health-conscious boyfriend encouraged me to exercise.  There is actually no excuse I can give for not exercising since it benefits my health.  Not only does it benefit me, but it also benefits our relationship because it is an activity we can do together.  He encourages me to exercise, but he does not push me.  He understands that exercising regularly is not a minor change since I have to make time for it in my busy schedule and it takes effort.  So he helps me to start slowly - both in terms of frequency (to accommodate my schedule) and intensity of exercise (so I do not get too sore at the beginning).

An example of a change that was requested by another partner was not to hang out with my male friends.  I did not feel comfortable with this change.  It was a major and unreasonable change that only benefited my partner. 

Please see my post on Conflict resolution.

Know your partner well

Things seem great at the beginning of a relationship.  Everything is new and exciting.  There is passion.  Both partners are on their best behavior.  But it is important to know who your partner truly is.  This will only happen with time.  Therefore, it may be preferable not to rush into things (such as marriage) until you know your partner better (and they know you better).  This may take more than a year.  If your partner and you are truly compatible and meant to be together, then waiting a little until marriage will not make a big difference - you will still be together, it is just a matter of what your status is.  Waiting is a small price to pay since you may potentially avoid committing to the wrong person.

Listen to your friends and family
You may be blind to your partner's imperfections, especially under love's spell or the passion of a new relationship.  Your friends and family are more objective, so if multiple people have concerns about your new partner, listen to them.  This does not mean to solely rely on their opinions to determine who you date, but do not immediately disregard what they are saying.  Listen to them and then decide for yourself whether your new relationship is something you really want or is good for you. 

Love alone does not sustain a relationship

Of course love is fundamental to a relationship.  But love alone cannot make a relationship last without other essential elements.  Make sure your priorities are compatible - Do you both want a long-term relationship/marriage?  Agree to have children?  Do your priorities/goals/dreams conflict?  (See my post on Progress report - Five months of online dating.)  Also be practical, logical, and realistic - Do you have the financial means to be together?  Do you agree to live at the same place/city?  Do you have religious differences that may be problematic?

Live together before marriage
There is a big difference between dating and marriage.  One step towards knowing whether you will be compatible in marriage is the intermediary step of living together.  Many things are revealed while living together that are not obvious while dating or staying over at your partner's place for short periods of time.  You will see whether your living styles, habits, routines, and/or schedules are compatible or tolerable.  For example, after moving in with a partner, I learned that we were not compatible because he refused to do any chores or pay part of the rent.

Appreciate your partner
Everyone wants to be acknowledged and appreciated.  When the novelty of a relationship fades, we come to expect things to be done because they become routine, and we take things and people for granted.  Therefore, it is important to show appreciation by saying "thank you" (or by giving small gifts) for even the little things.

Spend time together

When the relationship is new, you want to spend a lot of time with your partner.  After the novelty fades, you spend time apart.  It is important to still do things together, preferably something new occasionally to keep things fresh and away from the old routines.  Even though you both may have busy schedules, set aside time to do something together.  (See my post on Ideas for dates.)  The two of you doing your own work in the same living space does not count.  You do not want your partner to just be a good roommate.  You want to be an integral part in each other's lives - to truly connect with one another on various levels. 

Have a life outside your partner
Even though you should be actively involved in your partner's life, it is also important to maintain your own friends and hobbies.  Spending time away from the relationship allows both partners to have their own personal space, and the chance to "miss" and appreciate the other.  When you see your partner again, you can talk about the new insights and experiences you had.  In addition, should your relationship end, it is helpful to have friends to help you move on. 

Do not waste time

If you are unhappy in the relationship or think the relationship will not work, do not waste your time or your partner's time - move on.  There may be many excuses you have for not breaking up (e.g., they will be very hurt, they need me, it is difficult to ask them to move out), but ending the relationship earlier than later will be more respectful to them.  Allowing them to stay in an unhappy relationship prevents them from finding someone who can provide them with the attention and happiness they deserve.  Please see my posts on How to reject someone and How to handle rejection in dating.