Online
Every morning, I get a match list consisting of 5-8 men, and a few more men appear on my list over the course of the day. After two weeks, I've developed an efficient system to filter the candidates because the list accumulates over time. I look at the photos and briefly glance at the basic info about the person (age, height, profession, location) and archive the ones whom I don't think will work out (there is an Archive folder where these matches will be stored). Although I do not consider myself superficial, physical attraction is important to me (otherwise, he is just a friend). So here is the importance of a good profile picture (please check out the post on Advice for online dating profiles). If I cannot decide whether to archive the guy or not, I ask myself, "If this guy has all the personality traits I want in a partner, would I become physically attracted towards him?" If the answer is no, then I archive him. One exception to this rule is that I do not archive guys who have an exceptionally interesting job (e.g., broadway producer, military pilot) or profile description. It would be interesting to talk to them if we do meet. (Check out my post on Who to date or not date.)
After speaking to guy friends who are on dating websites, it appears that men do most of the "work." They initiate contact with the girl, ask the girl out, set the place to meet, and pay for the meal. And girls just sit back and let it all happen. I do see some truth to this, as I get several emails from new guys every day, and they are the ones who ask to meet, pick the restaurant, and pay. (See my post on Who has it easier in the dating world - Men or Women?) For men who are very attractive or interesting, I allow a few days to pass to see whether they contact me. If they don't, then I email them.
I've polled several men, and the response rate from women they have contacted seems to be about 20%. Some people wait a little before they reply. Perhaps they were dating someone in the interim or did not want to appear too eager, interested, or desperate.
Meeting in person
I received about 100 emails from men within the first two weeks. It was a good thing I developed my filtering system. Otherwise, I would be inundated. Going through all the profiles, email exchanges, and dating feels like a part-time job. After two weeks, I had my first date. I have an average of 2 dates (with different guys) per week. I find it difficult to keep everyone straight. I haven't called anyone by the wrong name (yet), but I forget who I told what. Of the four dates I've had so far, I have gone out with one of them on a second date. I have 3 dates scheduled for next week, and still have to set up another 2 more (probably will save them for the week after).
The majority of the men on my dating website is Caucasian, so 3 of the 4 men I've dated so far are Caucasian (I've primarily only dated Asians before). I originally set my preferences to date men between ages 30-45. Three of the four men I dated were in their 40s. Two of the men did NOT look like their profile pictures (quite disappointing). One guy said I looked even better than my profile picture and complimented me on my dress (that was so nice!). I did not feel a connection with 3 of the 4 guys - perhaps due to racial or age differences, physical attraction, or differences in interests. Having learned from these dates, I have adjusted my age preferences to 32-42 years and am more selective about who I meet (common interests, looks).
It is a good idea to meet for coffee/tea on a first date, but I've only had dinner on the dates so far. The dinner conversation has gone well on each date. I consider myself a pretty good conversationalist. Whenever the guy doesn't know what to say, I ask him a question or mention something about myself. I read the guy's profile before the date (so I remember who he is and don't confuse him with another guy), and ask him about facts from his profile (where he is from, his family, interests). On the first date, I try to avoid questions about past relationships or topics that may be awkward or make him uncomfortable. (See my posts on Questions to ask on a first date, and Advice for first dates.)
When the check for dinner comes, the guy has always paid, but I offer to at least pay my share. However, the guy has never let me do that.
The most awkward part of the date is the goodbye. I don't want to kiss on the lips on the first date. Most dates have kissed me on the cheek. One guy gave me a hug. I think if the guy did end up kissing me on the lips, I would have to "take it" as I don't want to be rude. However, my friends say I should turn my head so he kisses my cheek instead or pull back if I am not interested in him. Another friend suggested I wear a surgical mask :)
Do you think you may be eliminating potential boyfriends by screening on physical attributes? i am assuming that you are only archiving guys who are absolutely hideous but attractiveness is relative. i think that in general most guys look alike. it's most likely a bell curve distribution. 10% of guys out there are hideous, 10% are gorgeous, and 80% are average looking. for the average looking guys, it's personality that distinguishes them. my question is- how accurate is their profile in terms of personality, i.e. when you finally meet them in person and have a conversation with them, how like or unlike are they versus the personality that comes across on their profile or emails?
ReplyDeleteMost people say they are picky about who they date (and they should be), but I think I am pickier. If 100 men in their mid-20s to mid-40s walked down the street, I would only think about 5 were attractive. Unfortunately, the men on my dating website do not follow the bell curve. This may sound mean, but I don't find at least half of the men on the site attractive (perhaps other women may find them attractive though). I end up only leaving 10% of men on the active list - the attractive ones, and the average looking ones with a decent profile. I understand that looks fade so the guy needs to be more than a pretty face. I've been with men who were good looking but did not have a great personality, and the chemistry fizzles quickly. Give me a hot guy and I will pounce on him for a year (at most). But give me a hot or average looking guy with a stellar personality, and I will pounce on him for years to come :)
ReplyDeleteI think most guys from the dating website have been relatively congruent with their profile when I meet them. However, most people sound great on paper, but it may be different when you meet them. There just may not be any chemistry. However, I don't necessarily expect there to be chemistry right away. I understand it could come with time. What I am looking for is the POTENTIAL for chemistry, which is based on a combination of looks and personality.