Who to date or not date

I have been a serial monogamist and recently got out from a very long-term relationship.  I have not been on many first dates prior to online dating.  Now that I am dating more frequently, questions came up about who to date or not date.  What are the rules or restrictions?

Friends and colleagues
-  Would you date a friend?  I have qualms about dating close friends because it may ruin our friendship if the romance doesn't work out.  The exception may be if I think it could lead to something very serious, then I may risk it.  I am fine with dating an acquaintance, or a friend who is not extremely close.  But it may get messy if we share a circle of friends.  I have a friend who won't date anyone who knows any of his friends. He thinks it may put the mutual friend in an awkward situation.
-  Would you mind being set up by a friend?  That seems safer since it is more removed. 
-  How about dating a friend's ex, if your friend is perfectly fine with it (and they really mean it)?
-  Would you date a colleague?  Similarly, it may be sticky to date a colleague or someone who works in the building, in case the romance does not work out.

Attraction
-  Would you date someone who is devastatingly handsome but a player/bad boy, or is painfully dumb?  Perhaps he would be a good candidate for a fling but a long-term relationship would be difficult.  And would you feel jealous about other women eyeing your stud, or would it boost your ego instead?
-  Or the inverse: unattractive but has a great personality?  Perhaps attraction will eventually develop or maybe physicality is not important to you.
-  Or how about not dating someone based on a habit, such as smoking, drinking, gambling, or picking their nose in public?


Profession
-  If someone is attractive and has a wonderful personality, but had a low paying or menial job, would you date them?  One factor in the decision would be practicality.  Would you mind living paycheck to paycheck, or not living comfortably, if that was the case?
-  Or what if his job paid well but the job is not highly regarded (e.g., sanitation worker)?  Here comes the issue of "social class" (for lack of a better term).
-  Or what if he has a noble profession but it may cause you stress (e.g., you may worry each time your cop or firefighter boyfriend is on duty, or you may be frustrated your businessman boyfriend spends endless hours working)?
-  What if you both make a respectable salary, but one person's salary is greatly disparate from the other?

I personally don't mind what the guy's profession is, as long as he contributes to the relationship in some way (e.g., emotionally supportive, treats me well, helps around the house - it doesn't have to be financially, but of course, it would be nice).  I may be more concerned if his profession causes me to stress though (e.g., his job is not safe or has extremely long hours).

Demographics
-  Would you not date someone based on age or race?  Perhaps you feel that there is less of a connection due to fewer similarities.  I felt this way on a few of my dates.
-  How about height or weight?  If the person had the best personality but was 4' feet or 7' feet tall, would you date them?
-  How about if they have a different religion?  Perhaps this depends on how devout you are, or how disparate your religious beliefs are.
-  Would you date someone who is married but separated, or going through a divorce?  Would you be concerned about the spouse is still involved in the person's life?
-  How about if the person has children?  They will understandably give their children priority over you.  And you would also have to establish a relationship with their children.  You date them, you date their family. 
-  What about long distance relationships?  These are certainly hard and it takes even more effort to maintain the relationship, but it does serve as a good test.
-  Would you date someone with a disability or handicap?  Perhaps that depends on the type of disability or handicap?
 




Conclusion
As you can see, there are many factors to think about when we decide whether to date someone or not.  Sometimes we have a certain type of person in mind who we think is good for us, but the case may be that the person who is truly good for us is not be the person we envisioned.  And we may not meet them in the way we thought we would.  One reason why I am dating different guys is to learn more about what I want and don't want in a partner.

Advice for first dates

From the few first dates I've had so far, I formulated the following suggestions:

1.  Confirm with your date the day, time, and place to meet a day or two beforehand.  This will avoid confusion or misunderstanding, and help keep your dates straight if you are seeing multiple people. 

2.  Be on time.  Call/text your date if you will be late (if even for 5 minutes) - it shows consideration.

3.  Dress appropriately for the venue and weather (attire is different for dinner at a fancy restaurant versus ballgame).  Whether you wear a t-shirt or dress, make sure the clothing is presentable - no wrinkles, stains, or holes.  If the clothing has these imperfections, iron, clean or mend them.  Or pick out another article of clothing.  If it is a brand new article of clothing, make sure you take the tag off.

4.  Most people like to meet for coffee/tea/drinks on a first date.  This allows you to easily "escape" and end the date if it is not going well.  If it goes well, you can extend the date by having dinner afterwards, or simply going on a second date.

5.  Turn off your phone or put it on vibrate.  If you forget and you get a call/text, try to ignore it or talk/text briefly.  You want to focus on your date.
6.  Talk about things from your date's profile, but do not make it seem like an interview. 

7.  Do not discuss topics that may be negative (such as how you dislike your job) or awkward (such as salary and past relationships - concentrate on the present instead).  Please see my post on Questions to ask on a first date.
8.  Resist from checking your date out on Facebook, Google, etc.  You may slip and say something which is not in their profiles but only on those sites, so your date will know you stalked them via internet.

9.  You may laugh at this suggestion, but I am writing this because it happened to me on a date - if you need to pass gas, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom!  Otherwise, it is embarrassing for you and not pleasant for your date.  (I thought it was the smell of bad food passing by our table at first until I realized that my date passed gas.  But I was polite and just suffered through it until the smell faded.  This leads to the next suggestion...)
10. It is good to be cordial and classy on dates, even if you do not think it will work out.  You never know if your date may know someone you know, and it may come back to bite you.   (See my post on How to reject someone in dating.)

For the ladies:

1.  Tell a friend when your date is, where you are going, who your date is, and his contact information in case something happens.  Call/text your friend when you get home to let them know you are safe.  You can also discuss how the date went!

2.  Meet in a public place.  Do not go to one of your homes (unless you may want to get intimate - see the forum on Timing of first intercourse in a new relationship).

3.  Have your own way of getting home, so you do not rely on the guy to take/drive you home.  Do not get into his car!  Carry cash in case you need to get a cab.  Have the contact info for car service in case cabs are not frequently available where you are (or if it is very late at night). 

4.  The guy is trying to impress you, so try to compliment or acknowledge his effort or things he does/says.  For example, if he takes you to an expensive restaurant, say, "Thank you for choosing such a wonderful restaurant.  The decor/service was amazing and the food was delicious."  It will make him feel appreciated.

5.  Laugh at his jokes, or at least smile if they weren't that funny. 

6.  If you drink alcohol, do not get buzzed or drunk.  You want to be coherent, make good judgments, and able to get yourself home.  It is also not attractive if you are slurring your speech or vomiting on him.

7.  I think it is nice for women to at least offer to pay for their share of the meal (oftentimes, the guy will still insist on paying for everything anyway), but that is just my own opinion.

For the gentlemen:

1.  Be galant – compliment her beautiful looks/dress/hair, hold the door for her, etc.

2.  Pay for the meal.  Do not use a gift card or coupon.

3.  At the end of the date, if you are debating about kissing on the lips, kissing her cheek, or hugging, I think the latter two are safe since not all women kiss on the lips on the first date.  But if you think there was mutual chemistry and she won't mind kissing on the lips, then go for it.  (See my post on The first date kiss.)

4.  It is classy if you text (or call) your date to make sure she got home safely, even if you don't think you want to go out with her again.

5.  Please do women a favor, and do NOT wait too long to call/text us for the next date.  It is even fine to ask us out again at the end of the first date.

Progress report - One month of online dating

So it's been one month since I've been on the dating website.  Online dating certainly has its own "culture."  (See my post on Advantages and disadvantages of online dating.)

Online
Every morning, I get a match list consisting of 5-8 men, and a few more men appear on my list over the course of the day.  After two weeks, I've developed an efficient system to filter the candidates because the list accumulates over time.  I look at the photos and briefly glance at the basic info about the person (age, height, profession, location) and archive the ones whom I don't think will work out (there is an Archive folder where these matches will be stored).  Although I do not consider myself superficial, physical attraction is important to me (otherwise, he is just a friend).  So here is the importance of a good profile picture (please check out the post on Advice for online dating profiles).  If I cannot decide whether to archive the guy or not, I ask myself, "If this guy has all the personality traits I want in a partner, would I become physically attracted towards him?"  If the answer is no, then I archive him.  One exception to this rule is that I do not archive guys who have an exceptionally interesting job (e.g., broadway producer, military pilot) or profile description.  It would be interesting to talk to them if we do meet.  (Check out my post on Who to date or not date.)

After speaking to guy friends who are on dating websites, it appears that men do most of the "work."  They initiate contact with the girl, ask the girl out, set the place to meet, and pay for the meal.  And girls just sit back and let it all happen.  I do see some truth to this, as I get several emails from new guys every day, and they are the ones who ask to meet, pick the restaurant, and pay.  (See my post on Who has it easier in the dating world - Men or Women?)  For men who are very attractive or interesting, I allow a few days to pass to see whether they contact me.  If they don't, then I email them. 

I've polled several men, and the response rate from women they have contacted seems to be about 20%.  Some people wait a little before they reply.  Perhaps they were dating someone in the interim or did not want to appear too eager, interested, or desperate.

Meeting in person
I received about 100 emails from men within the first two weeks.  It was a good thing I developed my filtering system.  Otherwise, I would be inundated.  Going through all the profiles, email exchanges, and dating feels like a part-time job.  After two weeks, I had my first date.  I have an average of 2 dates (with different guys) per week.  I find it difficult to keep everyone straight.  I haven't called anyone by the wrong name (yet), but I forget who I told what.  Of the four dates I've had so far, I have gone out with one of them on a second date.  I have 3 dates scheduled for next week, and still have to set up another 2 more (probably will save them for the week after).

The majority of the men on my dating website is Caucasian, so 3 of the 4 men I've dated so far are Caucasian (I've primarily only dated Asians before).  I originally set my preferences to date men between ages 30-45.  Three of the four men I dated were in their 40s.  Two of the men did NOT look like their profile pictures (quite disappointing).  One guy said I looked even better than my profile picture and complimented me on my dress (that was so nice!).  I did not feel a connection with 3 of the 4 guys - perhaps due to racial or age differences, physical attraction, or differences in interests.  Having learned from these dates, I have adjusted my age preferences to 32-42 years and am more selective about who I meet (common interests, looks). 

It is a good idea to meet for coffee/tea on a first date, but I've only had dinner on the dates so far.  The dinner conversation has gone well on each date.  I consider myself a pretty good conversationalist.  Whenever the guy doesn't know what to say, I ask him a question or mention something about myself.  I read the guy's profile before the date (so I remember who he is and don't confuse him with another guy), and ask him about facts from his profile (where he is from, his family, interests).  On the first date, I try to avoid questions about past relationships or topics that may be awkward or make him uncomfortable.  (See my posts on Questions to ask on a first date, and Advice for first dates.)

When the check for dinner comes, the guy has always paid, but I offer to at least pay my share.  However, the guy has never let me do that.

The most awkward part of the date is the goodbye.  I don't want to kiss on the lips on the first date.  Most dates have kissed me on the cheek.  One guy gave me a hug.  I think if the guy did end up kissing me on the lips, I would have to "take it" as I don't want to be rude.  However, my friends say I should turn my head so he kisses my cheek instead or pull back if I am not interested in him.  Another friend suggested I wear a surgical mask :)

Advice for online dating profiles

Over the course of the few weeks I have been on the dating website, I have seen some bad profiles.  It is very important to have a good profile (picture and description of yourself), since this is the only way you are representing yourself and is your first impression.  It is similar to a personal essay for college or a resume for a potential job.  Remember, you are competing against other bachelors so you want to give the best impression.

Suggestions for profile pictures:

How not to pose for a profile photo

1.  Have a picture!  Otherwise, we assume the worse.
2.  Have more than one picture so we get a good sense of how you look like.
3.  Make sure the picture is a recent photo and representative of how you look.  Otherwise, if you look very different from your photo, we are very disappointed when we meet you.
4.  Do not have a picture where there is another woman next to you, regardless of whether she is your sister, friend, etc.  This also applies for pictures where you cropped her out, but her hand is still around your waist or shoulder.
5.  Do not have a picture that includes a guy who is better looking than you.  Otherwise, we concentrate on your friend instead.
6.  Do not have a picture that includes many people.  Otherwise, we don't know which one you are.
7.  Smile in your photos!  You don't want to seem like a grouch.
8.  Preferentially, there should be at least one photo of a close-up and another of full-body.
9.  Do not be shirtless (especially if you don't have a good body)... Or be bottomless!
10. Do not have a photo where you are not in it!  I have seen multiple pictures of people's pets or vacation spots.  It's better if you are in the picture with your pet or the beautiful landscape.
11. Do not have too many photos where you wear something that hides part of your face (e.g., sunglasses, cap).
12. Include photos where you are doing something you enjoy.
13. Make sure the photo is good quality (e.g., not fuzzy, has good lighting, eyes are not red or closed). 
14. If you include glamour shots or black/white photos, also post regular (non-glamour) photos in color so people know how you really look like.
15. Do not take a photo of yourself by yourself using a smartphone in the mirror.  It implies you do not have friends who can take a picture of you.

Suggestions for profile descriptions:
1.  Think of this as an ad or eulogy about you.  One guy was creative and wrote his profile as if he was a house on sale.  What would you want the ad to say?  Talk about your background, personality, (unique) interests, accomplishments, and job (especially if it is interesting or you are passionate about it).  Also include what you want in your relationship and partner.
2.  Proofread what your write!  Do not have typos.  Use punctuations and capital letters appropriately.  Again, this is the first impression you are giving so you want to appear polished.
3.  Do not write something lame such as "my friend made me do online dating."  Write something catchy or unique so the other person wants to know more.
4.  Do not write something generic about yourself or your interests.  Everyone is nice, likes to spend time with family/friends, have fun, travel, try new restaurants, and the beach.  It's fine to include these things, but also include other things that are unique.  You don't want to blend in with the thousands of other profiles. 
5.  Do not have an extremely short or lengthy profile description.  Writing too little shows you did not put much effort into it or care.  But we also do not want to read your life story either.  You want others to learn enough about you to be interested but we will learn more about you on the date. 
6.  Do not include anything negative.  (You can tell her about your mommy issues later in the relationship, but you have to get a first date first.) 
7.  Write about what/who you want instead of what/who you don't want.  I've seen profiles listing things that they don't want in a person.  Even though I didn't have any of those "bad" criteria, it was a turn-off that they were so high maintenance. 
8.  Try to avoid include strong terms such as "marriage" and "children."  Most people just want to get to get a sense of who you are from your porfile.  You can talk about these more serious things in person.
9.  Instead of listing descriptors of yourself, demonstrate it in your profile if possible.  For example, instead of saying how funny you are, be funny in your profile.
10. Be truthful in what you write.  Otherwise, you come off as a liar when you are caught later.  Not a quality we want in a partner.
11. Have a friend read your profile to see whether it is accurate, appropriate, and catchy.  Perhaps they have ideas on how to improve it.

From the movie You've Got Mail

As proof of how much profile pictures or descriptions matter, I did an experiment.  I originally uploaded regular photos of myself and got a few emails from men each day.  Two weeks later, I posted "glamour pictures" which were professionally taken (where I had makeup and hair done), and I had more than 50 views and emails within the next day!  (The dating website allows you to see who has viewed your profile.)  A handful of these men had not emailed me after they saw the original photos, but contacted me after the glamour shots were posted.  Two weeks after the glamour photos were posted, I edited my profile description (added more facts about myself) and only had 12 views and a few emails the next day.  Perhaps this implies that the picture is more important than the description.  We are visual creatures.

From the movie You've Got Mail

As for the importance of having a good profile description, I helped a guy friend improve the writing in his dating profile (e.g., using capital letters appropriately, stringing thoughts more coherently, adding more interesting facts), and he started receiving more emails from women each week since then.

For more help on your profile, see my post on Advice for signing up.