What impresses women and men

Everyone wants someone who has good qualities (e.g., honest, kind).  But I have noticed there are some (non-physical) traits that women and men in general especially like (each person is different so not everything may apply to each individual)... and of course, this is not a comprehensive list...

There is a part of every woman's body that will make her tingle, melt, and crave to be with you if it is touched.  It is her heart.  (But you were probably thinking of another body part, weren't you?)
Things about men that impress women:
-  confident (but not arrogant)
-  powerful
-  financially secure
-  goal oriented/ambitious
-  has his own place without roommates
-  intelligent (book and street smart)
-  a problem solver
-  thoughtful/considerate
-  chivalrous
-  reliable and trustworthy
-  communicates well and expressive of feelings
-  able to take care of us
-  pays attention to her only (makes her feel that she is the only woman you are interested in)
-  remembers things we said, our birthday, our anniversary
-  pays attention to detail, especially noticing our new outfit/shoes/haircut (we do things to look pretty for you so it would be nice that you notice)
-  good to other people (both your and our family and friends, servers at the restaurants, etc)
-  good with babies and children (and even animals/pets)
-  spontaneous
-  gives us a card/note/small gift for no occasion
-  sends an email/text saying that you miss/think of us
-  handy around the home
-  comforting when we are upset

Every woman wants to be romanced.  Guys, if you ever have trouble deciding what to get a woman for a gift, here are some safe bets (but remember, these are generalities and not all women may like these): 
-  flowers
-  chocolates
-  spa treatment (mani/pedi, facial, massage)
-  (brand name) handbag
-  jewelry (diamonds are a girl's best friend)
-  a trip
(Men, let's admit it - buying her lingerie is really a gift for you, not for her.)

What girl wouldn't want a spontaneous trip to Paris on your private jet?

Things about women that impress men (per my male friends and various men's online dating profiles):
-  one guy friend said, "men only care about good companionship and sex, and if she likes sports, that's a bonus"
-  intelligent
-  funny/sense of humor
-  open-minded
-  knows when to be serious and when to have fun
-  can look good without having to dress up
-  shares a common interest in a hobby or activity
-  interested in sports, cars, fitness, fixing things, technology
-  understanding
-  not oversensitive
-  a good cook ("the way to a man's heart is through his stomach"... or his private area)
-  "good girl/bad girl" dichotomy
-  knows what she wants
-  happy with who she is
-  has her act together
-  drama-free
-  not catty
-  sane
-  someone he can be himself around
-  gets along with his friends and family
-  inspires him to be a better man just by being the awesome woman she is
* I do notice that men have fewer criteria for what they want in a partner than women.

Gift ideas for men: 
-  anything to do with sex (boudoir photos, a personal lapdance or belly dancing show, new lingerie/custome/sex toy)
-  something related to their favorite sport or sports team (jersey/gear, tickets, memorabilia, equipment)
-  the newest or coolest electronic device available (smartphone, tablet, computer, game console, music/entertainment-related equipment)
-  a cool gadget or tool
-  something related to a hobby, fitness, or activity/recreation he likes (common ones include photography, jogging, biking, camping, traveling)
-  something car-related (tickets to an Auto Show, racecar lessons)
-  massage (you can get a couples massage)

Please see my post on What men and women dislike.

The first date kiss

I think the most awkward part of a first date is the goodbye.  Do you wave goodbye, shake hands, hug, or kiss?  If you are thinking about kissing, here are some tips:

Kiss or no kiss?
Sorry, guys, but you are expected to initiate the kiss.  We understand that this is unfair and it may be difficult to read women to decide whether they want to be kissed or not.  But if you think the date went well and your date won't mind or wants to be kissed, then go for the plunge.

Cheek or lips?
For the first kiss, a simple sweet kiss on the cheek is a safe bet.  Not all women want to be kissed on the lips on the first date, and some women do not prefer public display of affection.

Timing is everything
I would suggest kissing your date at the end of the date rather than during the date (unless there really is a magical moment in the middle of the date where the kiss would be appropriate, but this doesn't often happen since your date is often in the middle of drinking/eating/talking and you are still trying to figure out whether your date is interested in you).

Bad breath
You may be the best kisser but having bad breath ruins a great kiss.  Carry Listerine dissolving strips with you.  It works faster and is more inconspicuous than breath mints.

No slobbery kisses, please!
If your date wipes her cheek or mouth after the kiss, then that implies that the kiss was too wet.  Swallow your saliva before the next kiss. 

Keep your eyes closed
A kiss can be going really well but if you are caught with your eyes open, that just ruins it.

Length of kiss
It is safe to keep a kiss short and simple on the first date, especially if this is the first time you are meeting her.  It may be better not to kiss too long or french unless your date really seems into you or your kiss.  If you have known each other for a while in the past and then decided to start dating, then a longer kiss is acceptable.  If you anticipate a longer kiss, make it more romantic by cupping her face with both hands, either to bring her face closer to yours to initiate the kiss or during the kiss.  No matter the length of the kiss, it is best to keep it sweet and soft. 

Progress report - Four months of online dating

After going through 500+ correspondences on the new dating website, I ended up only meeting with a handful of men.  Most men were weeded out online based on their significantly older age, lack of attraction based on photos, or an unimpressive profile description or email. (See my posts on How to initiate contact with someone on a dating website and Advice for online dating profiles.)  Of the several dates I had, I noticed that oftentimes these men will ask for a second date while still on the first date!  It was not a problem if I wanted to go out with him again.  However, it was awkward if I did not.

Of the men I had a date with, the reasons I did not see them again included lack of chemistry (either physical attraction because they looked significantly worse than their pictures, or we just did not click), lack of potential to be a great long-term partner, or presence of a weird mannerism (such as having a lot of saliva when speaking, a funky goofy laugh, perpetual nose twitching, or a habitual peculiar eye mannerism - although this was not the only reason why I didn't see them again). 

My friend asked me what I have learned from dating.  Here are a few things I observed:
-  Non-Asian men are more explicit about their attraction towards their date than Asian men, as my non-Asian dates will openly tell me that they found me attractive.
-  Three men said that I was hard to read and were not sure whether I was interested in them.  I think I tend to be neutral on dates.  I am typically polite and treat the date as if he was a friend, regardless of whether I like him romantically.  I don't tend to flirt if interested, nor be rude if not interested.
-   Men in their late 30s or older do not have many friends to hang out with, since most of their friends are married with children.
-  A lot of men have or had two professions, either currently or over the course of their life.
-  My mulitple dates confirmed that it is difficult to find a "good guy," at least in the older age pool. 

Difficulties of being a woman with a successful career in dating

Recently, I saw that a guy had viewed my profile on the dating website but did not contact me.  I liked his profile and thought he was attractive, so I emailed him.  I jokingly asked if my profile scared him away.  He replied that he did not think that he would be my type.  He thought that "successful women are not attracted to men who are divorced with a child."

A career can be considered successful in various ways, but for the purpose of this post, I will define it as having a high salary and/or powerful position.  Sometimes I feel that my career hurts me in terms of dating.  I am in a well-regarded profession and earn a very good living (I probably earn more than the majority of men).  In addition, my friends consider me to be intelligent and independent.  However, I think all this hurts me when it comes to dating.  Men may feel intimidated by successful women who are intelligent, well-educated, and independent.  Men may feel that they will not be the provider.  Or they may feel that they are not "good enough" or that successful women would want someone who is "on her level."  That is why I deliberately did not specify certain things on my profile, such as my profession, my income bracket, or that I graduated from an ivy league school.  However, I believe that I should be proud of my accomplishments and who I am.  I should not have to apologize or be punished for them.

I do not judge a person by their career, income, education level or social status.  I also do not care about the person's background because they could not help being born into that; rather, it is the person they have become that matters because that is within their control.  I judge people by their character, values and morals, and by how they treat others.

Men with a successful career, on the other hand, are considered more attractive (see post on Who has it easier in the dating world?).  However, in this modern era, I find that traditional gender roles are being blurred.  More and more men become stay-home dads.  The majority of college and graduate students are now women.  Women are the sole or primary breadwinner in forty percent of all American households.  Women are becoming more successful and independent, yet expected to remain lady-like.  But no matter how successful, independent or powerful a woman is, I suspect that she still wants to be a "damsel in distress" at least occasionally.  There is a part of every woman (or at least the vast majority of women) that wants to be taken care to a certain extent.  Some want to be taken of completely, and they want a guy to make them feel secure physically, emotionally and financially.  Other women are more independent but still want a guy to do things for them occasionally, such as carrying something heavy, opening a tight jar, or standing up to a rude stranger for them.  But all women, no matter how successful, independent or powerful, want to be romanced in some way, whether it is by flowers, chocolates, a candlelit dinner, a trip to Paris, or just a text telling us you miss us.  Women (as do men) want to be acknowledged and appreciated.  (See my post on What impresses women and men.)  For myself and probably most other women with a successful career who are dating a guy less "successful," I think the disparity in salary and/or education does not really matter if the man contributes to the relationship in other ways and is a good partner overall.

A person's career is only one aspect of who they are.  Looks and personality play major roles in attraction.  I think a woman's successful career would not hinder men from being interested if he knew what her personality is like.  A man may be less intimidated if he knew that she was down-to-earth and did not care much what his salary, career or education level was.  I think men care more about how a woman makes him feel, rather than her salary or career.  Even though she may make more money or have a more successful career, does she come off as that way?  In addition, some men may find that a successful career shows that the woman "has her act together," which tends to be an attractive quality rather than a deterrent.

There is a little bit of Ally in all of us

Another reason why men may not want to date a successful woman is that he is afraid that she will be dedicated to work, and not have enough time for the relationship.  It is important for both men and women not to allow their career to interfere with their relationship by allowing work to detract quality time together or force them to break promises.  There will always be more work to do, but your significant other can be understanding for only so long before the quality of the relationship (permanently) deteriorates.  No one on their deathbed wishes they spend more time working.  Instead, they wish they spent more time with their loved ones and doing the things they enjoy.


It may also be helpful if a successful woman demonstrates that she has a feminine side and can let the man be the provider or an equal:
-  Wear a dress with heels rather than a business suit with penny loafers on a date.  (See my post on What to wear on a first date.)
-  Leave work at work - do not answer your business (or personal) calls/texts/emails during the date.
-  If he asks what your job is, be truthful about your job/position but don't dwell on how the "power" of your position or all your accomplishments such that it seems like you are bragging.  Instead, discuss what you like about your job or how it may help/affect others, and certainly ask him about his job.
-  Let the man pay for the meal if he offers, even if you may make more money. 

How to initiate contact with someone on a dating website

After being on the new dating website for less than one month, I have gotten about 500 emails, winks and "likes."  It is a task to go through all the correspondences.  From what I have encountered, I thought of suggestions for how to initiate contact with someone you find interesting on a dating website:

1.  Do not contact the person on a Friday night or Saturday night.  It will seem as if you do not have a social life.

2.  Writing an email is preferable over winking or "liking them."  An email shows that you put more thought and effort into it.  Also, if you wink or "like" the other person, they will usually only wink or "like" you back if they are interested (rather than emailing you).  Then you have to email anyway.

3.  This is your first impression so you want to make it a good one.  Your profile will be your second impression since they will check your profile next.  For suggestions on how to write a profile description, go to Advice for online dating profiles and Advice for signing up.

4.  Have a photo on your profile. If you do not want to put up a profile photo publicly, then explain to the other person that you can email one to them.  For suggestions on profile pictures, go to Advice for online dating profiles.

5.  Write a catchy subject title to stand out from the other emails they are getting.  "Hi" is very generic.

6.  I find that the vast majority of emails have multiple typos and/or grammatical errors.  Remember, this is your first impression so you want to appear intelligent.  Check your email for typos and grammatical errors.  Use spellcheck if you need.  Speeling erors can b very anoying, n can make o brake u!

7.  A lot of people also do not capitalize words or use punctuation marks.  Other than not appearing intelligent or seeming like you care to put in the effort to write an appropriate email, you may also confuse the other person with you what you are writing.  For example: The sentence, "Tim said the teacher is dumb" can be interpreted in two ways:
    -  Tim said, "The teacher is dumb."
    -  "Tim," said the teacher, "is dumb."

8.  DO NOT WRITE IN ALL CAPS.  The only emphasis you are making is that you seem loud.

9.  Do not address the person as "sweetheart" or "gorgeous."  Use their name!

10. Do not ONLY write one-liners such as "Hi.  How are you?" as your entire message.  This is not Instant Messaging or texting!  You should write something more detailed to show you are putting thought into it, and to grab their attention.

11. A good length would be 1-2 short paragraphs.  Include something specific you read in their profile, something unique about you to make you more memorable, commonalities you have, and a couple of questions.

12. It would be great if you include something witty or humorous.  However, be careful, as you do not know the person yet and not everyone has the same sense of humor as you.

13. Do not lie. Why would you start off being dishonest to someone who is a potential partner, even if it is a small lie?

14. Do not concentrate on writing about their good looks, unless you only want a casual relationship.  You do not want to appear superficial.

15. Instead of writing an email in traditional letter form, you can do something unique.  One guy copied a poem from a book he read because it reminded him of me.  Another copied and pasted the qualities that I said I wanted in my partner from my profile, and addressed how he had each one.  There was one guy who emailed me a funny, witty list entitled Top Ten
Reasons Why You Haven't Written Back.  Of the hundreds of emails, these
stood out in my mind.

Questions to ask on a first date

One of the objectives on a first date is to find out important things about the other person to know whether they are compatible, or at least worthy of a second date.  It is important to learn more about your date without making it seem like an interview or interrogation.  Try to avoid questions or topics that may be too personal, negative or awkward.  The ideal scenario would be to carry the conversation in a relaxed, flowing manner with questions that will foster positive discussion, happy thoughts, and smiles/laughter as you learn more about your date.  (Of course, some questions may lead to negative or awkward answers).  Warning: Be prepared to answer the same questions you ask.  

Here are some questions (some I found online) that may be worthy to ask on a first date:

1.  What do you like to do on weekends?  This allows you to see how they spend their free time, which tells you about their interests/passions, friends, lifestyle, etc.

2.  What are you passionate about?  Why?  Passions and interests are different.  Passions tell us about our values.  Interests are more like hobbies.

3.  What are your goals/dreams?  This tells you whether the person has ambition.  Goals may be short-term and focused.  Dreams are long-term and grander.

4.  Where did you grow up?  How is your family like?  Our childhood can play a role in our emotional health and values as an adult.  If a person had a bad childhood, it is important to see whether they learned from it.

Little House on the Prairie

5.  What is your favorite childhood memory?  This is a light question that gives insight into their childhood and may reveal a good story.

6.  Where do you consider home?  Home may not be where your date currently lives.  It may be where your date grew up, a location close to where their family lives now, a place which may help further their career, or a location where they feel they will be happier in general.

7.  Who are the most important people in your life?  Who do you go to for advice?  This lets you see their ability to form close relationships, their value system, and who they trust.

8.  What are you looking for in a relationship?  This may be straightforward but it will reveal whether you two are looking for something similar.

9.  What things can you not live without?  This tells you about what is important to them, their interests/values, etc.

10. What makes you laugh the most?  People have different senses of humor.

11. What is the best meal you have had?  This fosters a more fun conversation than "What is your favorite cuisine."

12. How was your day?  Simple, lets your date know you care, and can reveal a lot.

This seems like a fun job

13. If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?  Why?
This tells you what they enjoy.

14. What was the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you?
Be prepared to hear a good story.

15. What is the most private thing you are willing to admit?
Another good conversation coming up, but be prepared if they reveal something weird.

16. Tell me a random fact about you.
This will make for good conversation (hopefully) while learning about your date.

17. What is the hardest (or scariest) thing you had to do?  This tells you what your date defines as hard or scary, and how they deal with obstacles.  This may be a little touchy so perhaps it can be saved for the second or third date.

18.  What accomplishment are you most proud of?  This tells you something positive about your date and what they value.

19.  If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?  This allows you to see whether they have the insight and humility to know and acknowledge their faults, as well as the willingness and ways to improve themselves.

20.  Tell me about a recent adventure or spontaneous thing you have done.  Another fun story coming up...

For other suggestions on first dates, please refer to my post Advice for first dates and The first date kiss.

Progress report - Three months of online dating

In the last month, I have stopped seeing the guy ("Robocop").  Although I enjoyed my time with him and found him physically attractive, we would not be compatible long-term because he did not have some key qualities I want in a partner.  It would be harder to break it off later, so it was better to do it sooner.  I think he is genuinely a good guy, but just not for me.

A couple of friends asked me how accurate men's online profiles on dating websites are.  Of the 7 men I have dated so far, only 2 had representative pictures.  Of the 5 without representative pictures, most looked significantly older (about 5 years) in person.  The profile descriptions for everyone were pretty accurate though.  Interestingly, 3 of the 7 men were in law enforcement and carried a gun with them at all times including dates.

My friend who has been single until her late thirties shared her wisdom with me.  Even though we feel like giving up on finding a partner sometimes, do we really actually give up?  No.  We are sad for a while and complain that all men suck to our girlfriends.  But in the end, we suck it up and get back into the dating game.  We do this because we have to.  And it will make us appreciate the one we end up with even more.

Because the emails on the dating website were slowing down, I decided to join another big dating website to put myself out there.  After being on this new site for two weeks, I have received over 150 emails and winks.  However, none have caught my interest... yet.