Ideas for dates

The goal of the first date should be to learn about the other person, so conversation over drinks or a meal suffices.  But the goal of learning about the other person extends to later dates.  A good date would include an activity that involves interaction, and even better if it is an activity where you work together towards a common goal.  This will reveal how compatible your date will be as a partner. 

Here are some ideas for cool dates. You can even find discounts for some of the suggested activities below on websites such as Groupon and Living Social.

1.  Scavenger hunt, adventure game, or mystery/crime interactive show
This is one of my favorites.  It allows you to see how well you work together and involves excitement.  Stray boots and Accomplice have such games in various cities.

2.  Picking fruit or vegetables on a farm
Then you can use these ingredients for the next activity...

3.  Cooking (or baking) together
Preferably a dish that is new to both of you.  Or have a cook-off and pick one main ingredient that each of you must use in your individual dish, then taste each other's dish.  I suggest not preparing a dish with a lot of garlic or onions, so you don't have bad breath later.

From the movie Up

4.  Hot air balloon ride
Make sure your date is not deathly afraid of heights.

5.  Visit a zoo/aquarium, museum, or botanical garden (my favorite time to go is when the cherry blossoms are blooming) - provides a good opportunity to hold hands

6.  Ice skating (another opportunity to hold hands)

7.  Horseback riding

8.  Arcade, fair, or carnival (win her a huge stuffed animal!)

9.  "fests": Oktoberfest, beerfest, oysterfest, film festival, jazz festival, Just For Laughs

10. Amusement park
It has been shown that the adrenaline rush from rollercoasters makes emotions more intense, and therefore, feelings for your date are heightened.

11. Volunteer together (e.g., at a soup kitchen, animal shelter, or Habitat for Humanity)
This shows your altruistic side and you get to work together to help others.  Win-win!

12. A (unique) show - either on stage, or at a convention (such as ComicCon or AutoShow)

13. Comedy club, improv show, or poetry cafe
Impress her by reading a poem that you wrote for her in front of the audience!

14. Concert (even better if your date is a fan of the performer)

15. Sporting event (even better if it is the playoffs/finals)

16. Taking a class or lessons together (cooking, sailing, pottery, art, dancing, bartending, archery, photography, martial arts)
You can simulate the scene from Ghost during the pottery class, or paint a portrait of your date!

From the movie Ghost

17. For the adventurer: skydiving, ziplining, bungee jumping, piloting a twin-engine plane, or rock climbing
The adrenaline rush theory also applies here.

18. For those who like water activities: sailing, kayaking, rowboating, rafting, or water skiing

19. For the athletic partner: Training for a marathon/triathalon together or picking up a new sport together

20. Spa day
A couples massage would be ideal after an extraneous physical activity to relax sore muscles.
Men, don't be afraid to get facials too - women appreciate nice skin on their partner as well.

21. For activities/sports that do not require a lot of athletics: billiards, table tennis, bowling, or (miniature) golf/driving range
If she is unfamiliar with how to play or hold the equipment, this allows the guy to get close to her when he shows her.  But if she beats you at the game, don't be a sore loser!  Since I am decent at playing these games, my "test" for men is how they handle it if I beat them.

22. Beach
Be creative in making a sand sculpture together, or have a contest to see who can make the coolest sculpture.
Remember to put on sunscreen since you would not look very attractive sunburned.  You can offer to apply sunscreen on your date, but you are only doing this purely out of concern for sun damage, not because you want to feel them up.  Of course that is the reason.

23. Game night
With friends - interactive games are best (Pictionary, Taboo, Cranium, and Outburst are my favorites).
Or alone - try a bedroom board game! (only if you are up to that point in your relationship)
If you really want to impress your date, create your own board or card game using memories, factoids, or keepsakes from prior dates in your relationship.

24. Just walking around and getting lost (in a safe neighborhood)

25. Stroll/(tandem) bike/rollerblade along the water on a promenade or across a bridge

26. Picnic with a game (board game, cards, frisbee, or ball)
You don't have to picnic in a grassy area.  Be creative.  For example, you can picnic on a rooftop of a building with a nice view (but I would recommend against playing frisbee or ball there!).

27. Planting a tree or landscaping

28. Food, chocolate, or wine tour (or winery)

29. Cruise - either a dinner/sunset cruise, or 1-2 night getaway cruise
Bring Dramamine in case your date gets seasick.

30. (Surprise) road trip or weekend getaway
Even better if there is a theme (e.g., going to Washington DC for the national cherry blossom festival).
Maybe stay at a Bed and Breakfast.
Check for discounts on last minute getaways/cruises/flights.

Can you be friends with an ex?

After "The Architect" and I stopped seeing each other (please see my post Progress report: Five months of online dating), I was debating whether I should still keep in touch and just be friends.  I think he is a good guy and I don't harbor any negative feelings against him.  We were just not compatible.

There are situations in which couples decide to stay friends, or it is easier for them to be friends:

-  You have to.  For example, you share a social circle or work together.
-  You were good friends before and/or during the romantic relationship, and had a mutual or civil breakup without hard feelings.
-  You are both truly over the other person.
-  You are both dating someone else, and are both happy with your new boy/girlfriend.
-  You both may want to get back together later.
-  You are lonely and/or do not have a good support system (friends/family).
-  You want to help the other person cope post-breakup.
* Note that most of these situations require both parties to feel the same way.

But there are cons about being friends with an ex:

-  It is harder to get over them, and will hurt more if they have gotten over you.
-  Being with them brings back (good) memories.  And you don't think about the problems that led to the breakup.
-  You get mixed signals (and have false hope) because they are being friendly.
-  You do similar things as friends as you did when dating.  This may lead to confusion about your status.
-  There will be a romantic connection.  If you had your heart broken, you crave to get back together.  You want to kiss them but can't.  If you were the heartbreaker, you may feel uncomfortable knowing that your ex still has feelings for you.  You have to avoid situations that may lead to something romantic and avoid doing things that give them false hope.
-  They will eventually start dating someone else.  How will you act and feel then?  Can you still be their friend?  And if they end up getting married, would you attend their wedding (would they even invite you)?
-  You may not be able to fully disclose your personal life (such as who you are dating).  
-  You may not be able to always be emotionally supportive (such as being happy for them when they are dating someone awesome).
-  You may not always want to help them (e.g., help select an engagement ring for their fiance-to-be).
-  The new person you/your ex is dating will likely not be thrilled about your friendship.

I am not saying it is impossible to be friends with an ex.  It certainly is possible, as some of my friends have done it.  However, it is difficult.  The quality of the friendship may not be as good as a platonic one.  And if your ex hurt you or did not make you happy while you were dating, why spend time and energy on your ex rather than family and friends who truly care about you?  If you were the one who hurt your ex, be careful about giving them false hope if you stay friends.

Rachel and Ross on Friends: A great example of how difficult it is to stay platonic after a breakup

Progress report - Five months of online dating

I had decided to see one guy ("The Architect") exclusively.  He was wonderful in many ways.  We clicked well, enjoyed each other's company, and laughed a lot.  However, there were a few things about him that were not ideal.  He had two children (whereas I don't have children) - I didn't mind that he had children per se, but it meant that he had others who took priority over me, and I lost half my weekends with him when he visited them.  In addition, he was not Asian and did not understand my culture nor speak my language, so he would not be able to communicate well with my mother or relatives.  However, these things did not really bother me.  What I had the most problem with was our age difference.  He was 11 years older.  He looked his age but I look significantly young for my age.  (I look about 10-20 years younger than my age depending on how I dress - I understand this is usually a good thing).  So when we were together, we looked about 20-30 years apart!  It reminded me of the Woody Allen/Soon Yi or Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta-Jones phenomenon.  The good thing was that I have noticed more and more "odd couples" - partners who are not similar in age, race, height, or body habitus - in recent years compared to two decades ago; therefore, it has become more acceptable to be with someone who is different in appearance.

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones

I have learned that life does not always work out as we had planned or hoped.  Similarly, our partner may not be the person or type we imagined.  In addition, the man we want to date in our 20s is different from the man we want to date in our 30s and 40s.  As we age, we are less picky about the little things, and physical attraction becomes less important.  The Architect was the first guy that I dated whom I was not initially physically attracted towards.  He was not unattractive.  I thought he was average looking but liked his personality very much, and therefore, quickly became attracted towards him.  We also value men who will be a good long-term partner and father.  We want men who are trustworthy, dependable, reciprocating, handy around the home, problem solvers, and financially secure.  The Architect had all of these qualities, so I was going to overlook the issues and see how things play out.  Those issues would not really matter if he was truly a good man.  And not too long afterwards, the age difference no longer bothered me.  I liked him for the person that he was, which included his age because it was part of who he was (with age comes wisdom and experience).

Manhattan has some of the best architecture

However, The Architect did not think we were a good match.  Even though we shared some interests, we did not have certain things in common.  He designs and builds things for his profession and hobby, and he wanted someone who was "artsy" so he could have in-depth conversation about the artistic and design aspects of architecture and furniture.  He wanted his partner to teach him things on these topics.  He also thought that I would not be able to fully understand him because I would not be able to fully appreciate that side of him.  In addition, The Architect wanted someone
who drank coffee and alcohol, and I did not drink either. 

I thought about what he had said.  For me, it was more important to have the qualities of a good long-term partner (how we treat one another and get along) - that is why I overlooked the less-than-perfect things in the relationship.  But for The Architect, even though he admitted that I had many of the good qualities in a long-term partner and that he was falling in love with me, it was important to him that we had specific interests in common.  I respected his opinion and honesty.  Our priorities were just different.  Even if someone is perfect, they may not be perfect for us.  As we get older, we know what we want and don’t want in a partner, and are less tolerant or patient of people who do not fit our desired mold.  And we do not waste time in relationships that we do not see as potentially long-term.  So I respect him for telling me early in the relationship.

Chicago also has phenomenal architecture

In my opinion, it is refreshing to have someone who shares some of our interests but is also a little different from us to balance us.  Although I may not be very artsy, I still thought I could intelligently converse about art and design, and offer an opinion from a different (non-professional) perspective.  In terms of coffee and alcohol, I think there are two main aspects to their appeal – the taste and the social aspect.  I think if I take sips of his coffee or alcohol to experience the taste (to share the experience with him), and we have good conversation over whatever we drink, then it doesn't really matter if I am not drinking the same thing.

Within a week after we stopped seeing one another, The Architect thought about getting back together.  He said he missed me and how I brought liveliness into his life.  He also thought that I treated him extremely well which was a nice change since he tends to be attracted towards women who don't treat him well.  In the end, we both decided it was best that we did not get back together.  Although I do not expect my partner to think that I am perfect, I want him to love and accept me for all that I am - the good and the bad (or at least what he perceives as bad).

So back to the drawing board...

What impresses women and men

Everyone wants someone who has good qualities (e.g., honest, kind).  But I have noticed there are some (non-physical) traits that women and men in general especially like (each person is different so not everything may apply to each individual)... and of course, this is not a comprehensive list...

There is a part of every woman's body that will make her tingle, melt, and crave to be with you if it is touched.  It is her heart.  (But you were probably thinking of another body part, weren't you?)
Things about men that impress women:
-  confident (but not arrogant)
-  powerful
-  financially secure
-  goal oriented/ambitious
-  has his own place without roommates
-  intelligent (book and street smart)
-  a problem solver
-  thoughtful/considerate
-  chivalrous
-  reliable and trustworthy
-  communicates well and expressive of feelings
-  able to take care of us
-  pays attention to her only (makes her feel that she is the only woman you are interested in)
-  remembers things we said, our birthday, our anniversary
-  pays attention to detail, especially noticing our new outfit/shoes/haircut (we do things to look pretty for you so it would be nice that you notice)
-  good to other people (both your and our family and friends, servers at the restaurants, etc)
-  good with babies and children (and even animals/pets)
-  spontaneous
-  gives us a card/note/small gift for no occasion
-  sends an email/text saying that you miss/think of us
-  handy around the home
-  comforting when we are upset

Every woman wants to be romanced.  Guys, if you ever have trouble deciding what to get a woman for a gift, here are some safe bets (but remember, these are generalities and not all women may like these): 
-  flowers
-  chocolates
-  spa treatment (mani/pedi, facial, massage)
-  (brand name) handbag
-  jewelry (diamonds are a girl's best friend)
-  a trip
(Men, let's admit it - buying her lingerie is really a gift for you, not for her.)

What girl wouldn't want a spontaneous trip to Paris on your private jet?

Things about women that impress men (per my male friends and various men's online dating profiles):
-  one guy friend said, "men only care about good companionship and sex, and if she likes sports, that's a bonus"
-  intelligent
-  funny/sense of humor
-  open-minded
-  knows when to be serious and when to have fun
-  can look good without having to dress up
-  shares a common interest in a hobby or activity
-  interested in sports, cars, fitness, fixing things, technology
-  understanding
-  not oversensitive
-  a good cook ("the way to a man's heart is through his stomach"... or his private area)
-  "good girl/bad girl" dichotomy
-  knows what she wants
-  happy with who she is
-  has her act together
-  drama-free
-  not catty
-  sane
-  someone he can be himself around
-  gets along with his friends and family
-  inspires him to be a better man just by being the awesome woman she is
* I do notice that men have fewer criteria for what they want in a partner than women.

Gift ideas for men: 
-  anything to do with sex (boudoir photos, a personal lapdance or belly dancing show, new lingerie/custome/sex toy)
-  something related to their favorite sport or sports team (jersey/gear, tickets, memorabilia, equipment)
-  the newest or coolest electronic device available (smartphone, tablet, computer, game console, music/entertainment-related equipment)
-  a cool gadget or tool
-  something related to a hobby, fitness, or activity/recreation he likes (common ones include photography, jogging, biking, camping, traveling)
-  something car-related (tickets to an Auto Show, racecar lessons)
-  massage (you can get a couples massage)

Please see my post on What men and women dislike.

The first date kiss

I think the most awkward part of a first date is the goodbye.  Do you wave goodbye, shake hands, hug, or kiss?  If you are thinking about kissing, here are some tips:

Kiss or no kiss?
Sorry, guys, but you are expected to initiate the kiss.  We understand that this is unfair and it may be difficult to read women to decide whether they want to be kissed or not.  But if you think the date went well and your date won't mind or wants to be kissed, then go for the plunge.

Cheek or lips?
For the first kiss, a simple sweet kiss on the cheek is a safe bet.  Not all women want to be kissed on the lips on the first date, and some women do not prefer public display of affection.

Timing is everything
I would suggest kissing your date at the end of the date rather than during the date (unless there really is a magical moment in the middle of the date where the kiss would be appropriate, but this doesn't often happen since your date is often in the middle of drinking/eating/talking and you are still trying to figure out whether your date is interested in you).

Bad breath
You may be the best kisser but having bad breath ruins a great kiss.  Carry Listerine dissolving strips with you.  It works faster and is more inconspicuous than breath mints.

No slobbery kisses, please!
If your date wipes her cheek or mouth after the kiss, then that implies that the kiss was too wet.  Swallow your saliva before the next kiss. 

Keep your eyes closed
A kiss can be going really well but if you are caught with your eyes open, that just ruins it.

Length of kiss
It is safe to keep a kiss short and simple on the first date, especially if this is the first time you are meeting her.  It may be better not to kiss too long or french unless your date really seems into you or your kiss.  If you have known each other for a while in the past and then decided to start dating, then a longer kiss is acceptable.  If you anticipate a longer kiss, make it more romantic by cupping her face with both hands, either to bring her face closer to yours to initiate the kiss or during the kiss.  No matter the length of the kiss, it is best to keep it sweet and soft. 

Progress report - Four months of online dating

After going through 500+ correspondences on the new dating website, I ended up only meeting with a handful of men.  Most men were weeded out online based on their significantly older age, lack of attraction based on photos, or an unimpressive profile description or email. (See my posts on How to initiate contact with someone on a dating website and Advice for online dating profiles.)  Of the several dates I had, I noticed that oftentimes these men will ask for a second date while still on the first date!  It was not a problem if I wanted to go out with him again.  However, it was awkward if I did not.

Of the men I had a date with, the reasons I did not see them again included lack of chemistry (either physical attraction because they looked significantly worse than their pictures, or we just did not click), lack of potential to be a great long-term partner, or presence of a weird mannerism (such as having a lot of saliva when speaking, a funky goofy laugh, perpetual nose twitching, or a habitual peculiar eye mannerism - although this was not the only reason why I didn't see them again). 

My friend asked me what I have learned from dating.  Here are a few things I observed:
-  Non-Asian men are more explicit about their attraction towards their date than Asian men, as my non-Asian dates will openly tell me that they found me attractive.
-  Three men said that I was hard to read and were not sure whether I was interested in them.  I think I tend to be neutral on dates.  I am typically polite and treat the date as if he was a friend, regardless of whether I like him romantically.  I don't tend to flirt if interested, nor be rude if not interested.
-   Men in their late 30s or older do not have many friends to hang out with, since most of their friends are married with children.
-  A lot of men have or had two professions, either currently or over the course of their life.
-  My mulitple dates confirmed that it is difficult to find a "good guy," at least in the older age pool. 

Difficulties of being a woman with a successful career in dating

Recently, I saw that a guy had viewed my profile on the dating website but did not contact me.  I liked his profile and thought he was attractive, so I emailed him.  I jokingly asked if my profile scared him away.  He replied that he did not think that he would be my type.  He thought that "successful women are not attracted to men who are divorced with a child."

A career can be considered successful in various ways, but for the purpose of this post, I will define it as having a high salary and/or powerful position.  Sometimes I feel that my career hurts me in terms of dating.  I am in a well-regarded profession and earn a very good living (I probably earn more than the majority of men).  In addition, my friends consider me to be intelligent and independent.  However, I think all this hurts me when it comes to dating.  Men may feel intimidated by successful women who are intelligent, well-educated, and independent.  Men may feel that they will not be the provider.  Or they may feel that they are not "good enough" or that successful women would want someone who is "on her level."  That is why I deliberately did not specify certain things on my profile, such as my profession, my income bracket, or that I graduated from an ivy league school.  However, I believe that I should be proud of my accomplishments and who I am.  I should not have to apologize or be punished for them.

I do not judge a person by their career, income, education level or social status.  I also do not care about the person's background because they could not help being born into that; rather, it is the person they have become that matters because that is within their control.  I judge people by their character, values and morals, and by how they treat others.

Men with a successful career, on the other hand, are considered more attractive (see post on Who has it easier in the dating world?).  However, in this modern era, I find that traditional gender roles are being blurred.  More and more men become stay-home dads.  The majority of college and graduate students are now women.  Women are the sole or primary breadwinner in forty percent of all American households.  Women are becoming more successful and independent, yet expected to remain lady-like.  But no matter how successful, independent or powerful a woman is, I suspect that she still wants to be a "damsel in distress" at least occasionally.  There is a part of every woman (or at least the vast majority of women) that wants to be taken care to a certain extent.  Some want to be taken of completely, and they want a guy to make them feel secure physically, emotionally and financially.  Other women are more independent but still want a guy to do things for them occasionally, such as carrying something heavy, opening a tight jar, or standing up to a rude stranger for them.  But all women, no matter how successful, independent or powerful, want to be romanced in some way, whether it is by flowers, chocolates, a candlelit dinner, a trip to Paris, or just a text telling us you miss us.  Women (as do men) want to be acknowledged and appreciated.  (See my post on What impresses women and men.)  For myself and probably most other women with a successful career who are dating a guy less "successful," I think the disparity in salary and/or education does not really matter if the man contributes to the relationship in other ways and is a good partner overall.

A person's career is only one aspect of who they are.  Looks and personality play major roles in attraction.  I think a woman's successful career would not hinder men from being interested if he knew what her personality is like.  A man may be less intimidated if he knew that she was down-to-earth and did not care much what his salary, career or education level was.  I think men care more about how a woman makes him feel, rather than her salary or career.  Even though she may make more money or have a more successful career, does she come off as that way?  In addition, some men may find that a successful career shows that the woman "has her act together," which tends to be an attractive quality rather than a deterrent.

There is a little bit of Ally in all of us

Another reason why men may not want to date a successful woman is that he is afraid that she will be dedicated to work, and not have enough time for the relationship.  It is important for both men and women not to allow their career to interfere with their relationship by allowing work to detract quality time together or force them to break promises.  There will always be more work to do, but your significant other can be understanding for only so long before the quality of the relationship (permanently) deteriorates.  No one on their deathbed wishes they spend more time working.  Instead, they wish they spent more time with their loved ones and doing the things they enjoy.


It may also be helpful if a successful woman demonstrates that she has a feminine side and can let the man be the provider or an equal:
-  Wear a dress with heels rather than a business suit with penny loafers on a date.  (See my post on What to wear on a first date.)
-  Leave work at work - do not answer your business (or personal) calls/texts/emails during the date.
-  If he asks what your job is, be truthful about your job/position but don't dwell on how the "power" of your position or all your accomplishments such that it seems like you are bragging.  Instead, discuss what you like about your job or how it may help/affect others, and certainly ask him about his job.
-  Let the man pay for the meal if he offers, even if you may make more money.