Joining the world of online dating: Advice for signing up

After you have deliberated about the advantages and disadvantages of online dating, and decided to try online dating, the first step is to sign up!

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." - Lao-tzu
 So let's start!

Choose a website
There are various websites, some of which are free.  Some think that dating websites where you pay for membership tend to have people who look for more serious relationships.  However, obviously not everyone on free websites want a casual relationship, and sometimes people on paid websites will also go onto free websites.  There are also websites for specific interests such a particular type of relationship (casual, serious, polyamorous), ethnicity, religion, or profession.

Popular websites:
Paid - Match, eHarmony
Free - OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Coffee Meets Bagel

Sign up
It may take at least an hour (even a few hours) to sign up and create your profile, depending on the number of questions the website has.  Take the time to answer each question accurately.  The time you put into this can help you meet your soulmate (or at least someone who is better matched for you), so isn't that worth it?

You will need an email account to sign up so the website can send you correspondences and notifications.  I recommend having a separate email account for online dating due to the volume of emails you will receive and to separate it from your personal emails.  Do not have personal identifiers linked to your dating email account (such as having your full real name in the username) to keep anonymity in case you give out this email to potential dates.

Questions about you
There will be demographic questions such as your sexual orientation, age, height, body type, eye/hair color, where you live, relationship/children status, ethnicity, language(s) spoken, religion, education, profession, income, political views, and even astrological sign.  You may be asked about your interests/passions/skills, personality traits, values, favorite things, smoking/drinking/drug habits, exercise habits, pets, and last book(s) read.  There may also be icebreaker questions.  Depending on the website, most but not all of your answers are displayed on your profile for others to see.

Answer all questions honestly.  Some people are dishonest about their age, height (rounding up to the nearest inch is fine though), body type, or income in an attempt to get a date more easily.  However, your date will eventually find out and have a bad impression of you.  It's better to just be truthful.

Your profile
You will be asked to create a username.  Do not use your full name (for anonymity purposes) or something inappropriate (such as "big_pimping").

It is crucial to have a good profile description and pictures.  You cannot make your first impression in person.  Your profile is the only thing others will see, and you want to make yourself stand out from the thousands of competitors you have.  You can be Brad Pitt but if you sound dumb or lazy from your profile because you have multiple spelling/grammatical mistakes or a very brief profile description, you won't get as many dates.  Conversely, if you are not the most attractive but have a terrific profile, people may give you a chance.  For help with your profile, see my posts on Advice for online dating profiles and What impresses women and men. 

Examples of actual (bad) profiles I have seen:

"i;m only writng because it won't let me advance without doing this, i really don't have anything to say at this point"

"My do lists are nothing special - almost like everybody else, I don’t like describing myself to much and I don't photograph well (as you can see)"

"My favorite outfit is a spandex and tight pink tank top. when its raining I like to stay in and watch porn."

"Am a simple guy who take life with easy, which to make friends with straight forward people and i luv to meet to luv and be luv. i need love and not players. i am here to find true and real love, i do not want who can not trust. Been with me will be fun, i luv travelling and i smile alot."

 
Questions about your prospective partner

Prince Charming

There may be a battery of questions which will be used to help match you with a prospective partner.  Questions may inquire about preferences for your ideal partner's demographics, appearance, interests, personality traits, values, relationship/children status, profession/income bracket, and smoking/drinking/drug habits.  (See my post on Who to date or not date.)

- Age:  I personally use the person's preferred age parameters as a marker of maturity and the type of relationship they want.  A man in his 60s looking for a 18-25 year old woman likely wants a physical and/or casual relationship.  (I understand this may not always be the case, but it probably is.)  However, I think that a 35 year old man who is looking for a 25-40 year old woman is open-minded, appropriate and mature.  On the flip side, some people don't even regard your age preferences and will contact you even though they are not close to your stated parameters.  Although I specify that I prefer men in their early 30s to early 40s, I often get correspondences from men over 50 (even as old as 93!). 

- Location:  Think about how far you are willing to travel each time to see your partner.

- Height, body type, relationship/children status, ethnicity, religion, income, etc:  Be honest if you have specific preferences.  Otherwise, you will waste someone else's time if they contact you but you are not interested based on a specific parameter.  However, if there is the slightest chance you are willing to date outside your preferred parameters, leave the preference "open" (or have a wide range) so you don't limit prospects.

After you are done signing up and creating your profile, the fun starts!  Welcome to the world of online dating!  For the next step, please see my post on How to get a date.

Defining the relationship

What is it?
Defining the relationship means discussing with people whom you are romantically involved (or potentially involved) about what your relationship specifically is, and what you want in that relationship.  This primarily includes whether you want something short- or long-term, a casual fling, or a serious committed relationship.  But there are many types of relationships: platonic friendship, friends with romantic feelings (but nothing sexual), "friends with benefits," one-night stand, "few-night" stands, casual sex (which could be a fling that is clustered for a finite time, or on/off over long-term), serious/committed, and even non-sexual long-term partners.

You could also discuss things such as whether you are seeing (or can see) other people, how much space/time you want, what to expect in your relationship, what you want/don't want, how quickly you want to progress sexually, and boundaries.  If you both want a serious relationship, you should also discuss at some point about being mutually exclusive.

Why define the relationship?
This conversation is not easy but is important to have so there is mutual understanding about what to expect.  This is a sign of respect and prevents feelings from being hurt later if there were discrepant intentions.  It will also promote an honest and open relationship.

Who should I define the relationship with?
Have this discussion with everyone you are involved with romantically (or potentially involved with), even if it is on the first date.  You don't want to lead anyone on.  

When should I define the relationship?
It is beneficial to have this discussion early (especially the type of relationship you want - casual or serious).  I would recommend talking about it within the first couple of dates, especially before you get intimate.  You don't want to waste time pursuing a relationship that will inevitably end because you both had different agendas.  You could also feel hurt/used if you became intimate, thinking you both were in a serious relationship, only to find out later that the other person wanted something casual. 

Even if you are both seeking a serious relationship, it doesn't mean that you are mutually exclusive.  You and/or your partner may be dating other people, and haven't decided which one to become committed to yet.  Note that dating more than one person does not necessarily translate into your partner not liking you, not taking your relationship seriously, or not being able to commit to a serious long-term relationship later.

Do not assume that you are mutually exclusive after going out on a certain number of dates or after a certain number of week/months, sleeping together, or hitting a particular milestone in the relationship (such as meeting their friends/family).  It is not official until it has been explicitly discussed and agreed upon.  So when does one have this discussion?  I personally think it's best to discuss being mutually exclusive once you have decided the other person is a potential good long-term partner.

Where should I have the discussion?
Discuss this personal and important matter when you are both not rushed for time, and in a private place in case emotions run high.  The exception may be someone you are meeting for the first time.  In that case, you will most likely discuss it in a public setting since that is where you are meeting.

How should I discuss it?
Explain that you want to have this discussion so you are both on the same page and know what to expect.  You don't want to waste anyone's time (yours or theirs), nor want either one of you to get hurt.  Be direct, clear and honest.  It could be as simple as: "I am looking for a serious committed relationship, and want to make sure you are too, so that I don't waste either your or my time."  If you are discussing being mutually exclusive, tell them that you are ready to make that step because they have such wonderful qualities, and ask if they feel the same about you.

The other person may not be able to give you a yes/no answer right away.  Listen to what they have to say and what their current position is.  Discuss but don't push them to give you an absolute yes/no answer.  You sprang this important conversation topic on them, so give them time to think about it if they need. 

Dating someone who has children

A substantial portion of the men I have dated are divorced with children.  It made me think about issues to consider when dating a single parent:

Not being your partner's #1 priority
Their children will come first.  It doesn't mean that your partner doesn't care about you.  But if you think about it, your partner should prioritize their children over you.  (I would be wary of someone who does not.)  So expect that your partner may have to break a date because their child is sick.  Or your partner's schedule is less flexible because their children are with them on certain days/weekends.

It is important to be understanding of your partner's situation, but at the same time, to make sure your needs are met as well.  Discuss with your partner if your needs are not being met.  Perhaps a different arrangement or a compromise can be made so there is a win-win situation.  Otherwise, you will let things fester and be unhappy, and this will eventually adversely affect the relationship.  It is also important to have hobbies/interests that you can do when you are not with your partner, so you are not just sitting around and waiting for your "turn" with your partner, which will make you resentful.


 Restrictions on your relationship
Your dates may not all be "grown-up" dates.  Their children may tag along so the venues may not be as mature.  In addition, it may be awkward to display affection in front of their children or to stay overnight at your partner's place.  It is better to avoid doing these things, at least at the beginning.


Being involved in their children's lives
Do you even like being around children in general?  Parents view children as an extension of themselves.  So if you get into a serious relationship with your partner, you will also be in a "relationship" with their children.  It is difficult to take on the role of a parent figure without being the actual parent.  There is a fine line when it comes to things that you can/should do, such as discipline (better to leave that to the parents).  It is better to think of yourself as an addition to their family unit, rather than a replacement of the parent.  Try to be a friendly and supportive adult figure. 

Timing of meeting their children
It is best to meet their children once you and your partner decide the relationship is becoming serious.  If you and your partner are not in a committed relationship, there is a higher chance of breaking up later.  And if their children have become attached to you, they may be hurt and disappointed, as if they are going through another "divorce."

Their children's reaction to you
Your partner's children may think of you as the wicked step-parent, even if you are Mary Poppins or Maria from Sound of Music.  They may not like the fact that you are dating their parent.  It means that their parents will not get back together.  They may think you are competing with them for their parent's time and love.  They may think you are replacing them or their other parent.  Do not expect that your partner's children will treat/love you like a parent; they may even be unfriendly (hopefully, this will only be temporary).  Children do not always listen to their own parents; they will do less so with you.

Keep in mind that your interactions and relationship with your partner's children may play a factor in how your partner feels about you.  Naturally, they prefer someone who gets along with their children.

Sound of Music

It matters who their children primarily lives with
If your partner does not have primary custody of the children, then these issues may affect you less.  Your partner has more time to potentially spend with you, and the dates will be more "mature."  The issue of showing affection or staying overnight occur less frequently.  You won't see the children as often so it is less of a headache if they dislike you.  However, the disadvantage of having fewer interactions with the children is that it is more difficult to build a good, strong relationship.  As with any relationship, you get what you put in.

It matters how old their children are
Older children may be more understanding of their parent's dating.  You also have more common interests and hobbies.  They may dorm at school or be grown and living on their own, so they will have fewer interactions with you. 

Dealing with your partner's ex
Even if their ex is a horrible person, it is best to be cordial for the sake of the children, and not to speak badly about the ex in front of the children.  The ex will always have a connection to your partner through the children, so you will have to eventually interact with the ex.  Better/easier to have it be on (relatively) friendly terms.  Even if you do not agree with their parenting style, they are still the children's parent, but you can act as a support system for the children.

Also consider the relationship your partner has with their ex.  Are they on friendly or nonspeaking terms?  This may give you insight as to how your partner deals with relationships and breakups.  For the sake of their children, it is important that your partner and the ex communicate at least about their children.  However, if they are on friendly terms, will you get jealous and think that they may still have romantic feelings for one another?

Your partner may be on a tight budget
Your partner may be paying alimony and child support, which means less money to spend on you and your relationship.  However, their monthly payments are a sign that they are responsible and care about their children.  I would be wary of someone who skips out on these payments.

Advantages of dating a single parent
Discuss with your partner whether they want more children, and see if you are both on the same page.  If you both want more children, you get a preview of how your partner is as a parent.  If you do not like or agree with their parenting style, it may be a dealbreaker.  You don't have to be unpleasantly surprised after having children with them to find out.

The other advantage is that you may end up loving their children!