Similarities between the dating market and the house market

While I was house hunting, I noticed the housing market is very similar to the dating market/online dating.

1. You learn about new prospects online which seem exciting and have potential.

2. Then you meet them/go to the open house, which makes you feel more excited because it may actually be "the one." Or you feel disappointed because the online pictures were deceiving.

3. Even when you see the person/house a few times and there seems to be potential when the other person seemingly likes you/when you make a bid, it may still not work because your prospect meets another person who seems more attractive/makes a higher bid.

4. Until you actually walk down the aisle/close on the house, anyone can break it off at any time.

5. But don't worry, another potential person/house will be available soon online.

Is it ok to have an innocent crush on someone else when in a relationship?

My colleague and I had a discussion as to whether it was ok to have an "innocent" crush on someone else when you are in a relationship.  My simple answer is "no" because you cannot control the situation and many bad things can stem from having a crush, even if it is seemingly innocent.  Here are my reasons:

Having a crush means that you are not completely faithful to your significant other.
You may not be physically cheating but you are mentally/emotionally cheating.  It means you are not 100% dedicated to your significant other.  Your diverted attention will likely take away from your partner and you may lose interest in your current relationship.  In addition, you may not be lying outright, but you may hide things from your significant other (such as not telling them when you hang out with your crush, not wanting your partner see your flirtatious texts).  Not being able to be completely open and honest will harm your relationship.  Please see my post on cheating.

Your feelings for your crush can grow.
What you thought was an innocent crush can potentially grow into strong feelings.  You cannot control if this happens, and it will make it harder for you to get over your crush.  The stronger your feelings, the more it takes away from your current relationship.

You want to impress your crush.
Even if you do not have the intention of pursuing something or you don't even flirt with your crush, you are consciously or unconsciously trying to impress them by seeming more intelligent, funny, charismatic, etc.  Or putting effort into looking more attractive, smelling better, being more visible to them, or contacting them more via text/email/calls.  This may lead to your crush suspecting you have feelings for them, or your crush eventually having feelings for you. 

A friend or colleague may find out about your crush.
Now you are threatened that they may accidentally or intentionally tell someone else in the group, your crush, or your significant other. 

Your crush may find out.
If your crush finds out you have feelings for them, if they don't reciprocate the feelings, imagine how awkward it may be for them, especially knowing you are already in a relationship.  Even if your crush does have mutual feelings for you, then the situation is worse because now you definitely would not want to get over your crush.  Now you have more reason to want to be with them.  This will only make it more difficult on your current relationship.

Your significant other may find out.
Imagine how devastated your partner would feel if they found out about your crush.  It would permanently change your relationship even if they eventually forgive you.  Once trust is lost, it is very difficult to fully regain.  Your significant other may always be suspicious you are cheating again, even if you are not.

Would you want your significant other to have a crush on someone else?
Think how you would feel if your partner had a crush on someone else.  You would not want your partner to experience that pain.

If your crush has feelings for you, then what would you do?
If your answer is you would prefer to stay in your current relationship, then having the crush can only be harmful to your relationship for the reasons above.  If your answer is you would prefer to be with the crush, then just end your current relationship because it is obviously wrong for you.

Checklist for qualities in a lifetime partner

You find them attractive.

This doesn't have to mean they are attractive to everyone, at least just to you.  But even the most  attractive people eventually lose their good looks.  You may get used to their face, no matter how attractive it is, and their beauty may no longer captivate you as it once did.  Or they may get old and their beauty fades.  Therefore, it is more important that they have the other qualities below.

Someone who treats you well and with whom you get along.

You will be living and spending a lot of time with this person so better make sure they respect you, are good to you, and you both get along well.  Also great if they can make you laugh. 

Someone you can talk to, is supportive, and willing to work things out.

It is important to be able to carry long conversations with your partner, but they should also be a good listener, able to talk you through problems, and help you when stressed.  In addition, there will undoubtedly be problems in a relationship so make sure the person is willing to work things out.  It helps if they are open minded and do not find it necessary to always to be right.

Someone you will still care for when someone goes wrong.

Will you still stay with, and care for, your partner if they have develop a chronic medical condition, cancer, or a psychiatric condition?  Or if they become bald, disfigured, or disabled?  Or if you guys become poor?  

Someone whom you know well.

It is important to know the person you are with - for both who they are and who they are not.  Many of us imagine the other person as someone we want them to be, or hope they will become that person we want.  We may not accept them for who they truly are, and get upset that they do not meet our expectations.    

Someone who complements you.

People seek those who encompass the same qualities they have that they consider as good.  For example, an intelligent person would prefer to date another intelligent person rather than someone who is not.  However, we seek the opposite when it comes to qualities we consider we have that are bad.  For example, someone who is messy and thinks that is not a good trait would prefer someone who is neat.  Otherwise, it may be difficult for two messy people to live together.  However, if the messy person does not think their messiness is a problem, then they would not mind being with another messy person.

Someone who has similar values and interests.

Having similar values will play out in your everyday life in big ways, such as where you live, whether to have children (and how many, how to raise them), religion, and even dietary preferences (vegan/vegetarian).  Having similar interests help form a bond through common activities.  It is also good to have different interests so you are exposed to new things, but of course that requires the willingness to be open minded.  If you don't share any common interests at all, then try to develop one you may both like.

A team player.

We often want a partner who is similar to us, a companion to do the things we like, someone who has the same lifestyle, preferences, tastes, and routines, because we think that is what is better.  This is because we project our thoughts and opinions onto the behavior of others.  For example, we may think staying up late and waking up late is a bad habit.  However, perhaps the person is a night owl and is very productive at night.  And waking up late in the morning is fine because they work from home and run their own business.  

We want an extension of ourselves and look for a companion who enhances our life.  But we rarely find such a person who is exactly like us, or what we envision or want.  Instead, we are in a relationship with someone who may have different opinions, preferences, routines, habits, and values.  But we may not think about enhancing their life.  Being in a long term relationship means compromising and being open to the possibility of doing things that you are not used to.  It means not just caring about ourselves but truly caring about your partner as well.  And that means thinking from their perspective, trying to understand them, respecting their thoughts and values, and making sacrifices to accommodate them.  This does not mean you have to do everything they ask, nor surrender everything to them.  But it does mean that the relationship is not all about you.  You are no longer two individuals just living together.  You are now a team.  If one of you does not do well, then it is up to the other to help or the "team" will suffer.  Even in an argument, if one person wins, both of you actually lose.

Someone who is committed to you.

Your partner may meet all the qualities above but it means nothing if they are not committed to you.