Women's insecurities about her body

From speaking with both male and female friends over the years, I have learned that women have various insecurities.  (See my post on Women's insecurities in romantic relationships.)  The following are general insecurities that some women have about her body (may not apply to every woman).

* Please note that these are not my own insecurities... not that I don't have any.  My insecurity is that you won't revisit my blog, or share my blog on Facebook or Twitter (so please do!).

Does this outfit make me look fat?

Body dysmorphia

Women:  Even if we are as thin as a twig, we often feel (at one time or another) that there is at least one part of our body, if not our entire body, that is fat.

Men:  This is entrapment.  When she asks you that dreadful question, if you don't think she looks fat, you can answer, "What?!  You look like you need a piece of cake!"  If you do think she looks fat, don't say that it does.  Instead, suggest another outfit that is more flattering on her, or quickly change the subject.

I am getting old 

Women:  It seems that society thinks that when men age, they become distinguished; when women age, they become old hags.  Therefore, we feel less attractive as we age.  However, no matter what age we are, we often feel that we are old, or at least relatively older.  A 40 year old will think she is old compared to a 20 year old, but a 70 year old will think the 40 year old is young!

Men:  Make her feel that she is the only woman you want to be with.  Her life experiences and accomplishments have helped her to develop maturity and provide valuable insight into things.  Appreciate these qualities and how important they are to you and your relationship.  

My boobs are too small (or too big)
Why don't men have good eye contact?  Because nipples are not considered eyes!

Women:  Most of us want bigger breasts because we think men want that.  But not all men are obsessed with big breasts (although sometimes it seems that way).  Some men don't care about breast size, or even prefer small breasts.  Some men are more into legs or butts.  On the other end of the spectrum, women who are well-endowed may complain about back pain, and that men are attracted towards them primarily based on their chest.  These women may also feel that men do not respect them as much for their mind and personality, and they have to work harder to prove that they are more than just a Barbie doll.

Men:  Please try to control yourself and do not stare at our chest.  Please show us respect and don't embarrass yourself.  And if you think you are slickly sneak furtive glances, we can still tell!  Whatever breast size your partner has, tell her that they are beautiful (especially if they are small).

I am too short (or too tall)

Women:  Most of us want to be taller because we think tall, long-legged women are more desirable.  But keep in mind that some men prefer petite women.  On the other hand, tall women may feel self-conscious about their height, and think their selection of men is limited because they need to find someone the same height or taller.

Men:  Reassure her that you like her size (petite or tall).  And be confident being with her (especially if she is taller).
 
I am unattractive

Women:  We are concerned about our fashion sense (style, clothes, shoes, jewelry, handbags), makeup, hair (color, shape, thickness, balding, excessive facial or body hair), or butt size/shape.  We may check out other women and envy those who have what we don't.  But the grass is always greener on the other side.  Women with straight hair perm their hair or use a curling iron.  Women with curly hair get a straight perm or use a straight iron.  Women with a small butt want a bigger, rounder one because that is the current trend.  Women with a big, round butt want a smaller one because they feel fat.  (See my post on How to make yourself more physically attractive.)

Men:  Praise her about these things.  Notice if she is wearing a new outfit or shoes, or has a new haircut/hairstyle.  She puts in effort to look good for you, so it would be great if you acknowledge it.

Snow White's stepmother was so insecure about her looks that she would kill to be the most beautiful.

Ideas for dates

The goal of the first date should be to learn about the other person, so conversation over drinks or a meal suffices.  But the goal of learning about the other person extends to later dates.  A good date would include an activity that involves interaction, and even better if it is an activity where you work together towards a common goal.  This will reveal how compatible your date will be as a partner. 

Here are some ideas for cool dates. You can even find discounts for some of the suggested activities below on websites such as Groupon and Living Social.

1.  Scavenger hunt, adventure game, or mystery/crime interactive show
This is one of my favorites.  It allows you to see how well you work together and involves excitement.  Stray boots and Accomplice have such games in various cities.

2.  Picking fruit or vegetables on a farm
Then you can use these ingredients for the next activity...

3.  Cooking (or baking) together
Preferably a dish that is new to both of you.  Or have a cook-off and pick one main ingredient that each of you must use in your individual dish, then taste each other's dish.  I suggest not preparing a dish with a lot of garlic or onions, so you don't have bad breath later.

From the movie Up

4.  Hot air balloon ride
Make sure your date is not deathly afraid of heights.

5.  Visit a zoo/aquarium, museum, or botanical garden (my favorite time to go is when the cherry blossoms are blooming) - provides a good opportunity to hold hands

6.  Ice skating (another opportunity to hold hands)

7.  Horseback riding

8.  Arcade, fair, or carnival (win her a huge stuffed animal!)

9.  "fests": Oktoberfest, beerfest, oysterfest, film festival, jazz festival, Just For Laughs

10. Amusement park
It has been shown that the adrenaline rush from rollercoasters makes emotions more intense, and therefore, feelings for your date are heightened.

11. Volunteer together (e.g., at a soup kitchen, animal shelter, or Habitat for Humanity)
This shows your altruistic side and you get to work together to help others.  Win-win!

12. A (unique) show - either on stage, or at a convention (such as ComicCon or AutoShow)

13. Comedy club, improv show, or poetry cafe
Impress her by reading a poem that you wrote for her in front of the audience!

14. Concert (even better if your date is a fan of the performer)

15. Sporting event (even better if it is the playoffs/finals)

16. Taking a class or lessons together (cooking, sailing, pottery, art, dancing, bartending, archery, photography, martial arts)
You can simulate the scene from Ghost during the pottery class, or paint a portrait of your date!

From the movie Ghost

17. For the adventurer: skydiving, ziplining, bungee jumping, piloting a twin-engine plane, or rock climbing
The adrenaline rush theory also applies here.

18. For those who like water activities: sailing, kayaking, rowboating, rafting, or water skiing

19. For the athletic partner: Training for a marathon/triathalon together or picking up a new sport together

20. Spa day
A couples massage would be ideal after an extraneous physical activity to relax sore muscles.
Men, don't be afraid to get facials too - women appreciate nice skin on their partner as well.

21. For activities/sports that do not require a lot of athletics: billiards, table tennis, bowling, or (miniature) golf/driving range
If she is unfamiliar with how to play or hold the equipment, this allows the guy to get close to her when he shows her.  But if she beats you at the game, don't be a sore loser!  Since I am decent at playing these games, my "test" for men is how they handle it if I beat them.

22. Beach
Be creative in making a sand sculpture together, or have a contest to see who can make the coolest sculpture.
Remember to put on sunscreen since you would not look very attractive sunburned.  You can offer to apply sunscreen on your date, but you are only doing this purely out of concern for sun damage, not because you want to feel them up.  Of course that is the reason.

23. Game night
With friends - interactive games are best (Pictionary, Taboo, Cranium, and Outburst are my favorites).
Or alone - try a bedroom board game! (only if you are up to that point in your relationship)
If you really want to impress your date, create your own board or card game using memories, factoids, or keepsakes from prior dates in your relationship.

24. Just walking around and getting lost (in a safe neighborhood)

25. Stroll/(tandem) bike/rollerblade along the water on a promenade or across a bridge

26. Picnic with a game (board game, cards, frisbee, or ball)
You don't have to picnic in a grassy area.  Be creative.  For example, you can picnic on a rooftop of a building with a nice view (but I would recommend against playing frisbee or ball there!).

27. Planting a tree or landscaping

28. Food, chocolate, or wine tour (or winery)

29. Cruise - either a dinner/sunset cruise, or 1-2 night getaway cruise
Bring Dramamine in case your date gets seasick.

30. (Surprise) road trip or weekend getaway
Even better if there is a theme (e.g., going to Washington DC for the national cherry blossom festival).
Maybe stay at a Bed and Breakfast.
Check for discounts on last minute getaways/cruises/flights.

Can you be friends with an ex?

After "The Architect" and I stopped seeing each other (please see my post Progress report: Five months of online dating), I was debating whether I should still keep in touch and just be friends.  I think he is a good guy and I don't harbor any negative feelings against him.  We were just not compatible.

There are situations in which couples decide to stay friends, or it is easier for them to be friends:

-  You have to.  For example, you share a social circle or work together.
-  You were good friends before and/or during the romantic relationship, and had a mutual or civil breakup without hard feelings.
-  You are both truly over the other person.
-  You are both dating someone else, and are both happy with your new boy/girlfriend.
-  You both may want to get back together later.
-  You are lonely and/or do not have a good support system (friends/family).
-  You want to help the other person cope post-breakup.
* Note that most of these situations require both parties to feel the same way.

But there are cons about being friends with an ex:

-  It is harder to get over them, and will hurt more if they have gotten over you.
-  Being with them brings back (good) memories.  And you don't think about the problems that led to the breakup.
-  You get mixed signals (and have false hope) because they are being friendly.
-  You do similar things as friends as you did when dating.  This may lead to confusion about your status.
-  There will be a romantic connection.  If you had your heart broken, you crave to get back together.  You want to kiss them but can't.  If you were the heartbreaker, you may feel uncomfortable knowing that your ex still has feelings for you.  You have to avoid situations that may lead to something romantic and avoid doing things that give them false hope.
-  They will eventually start dating someone else.  How will you act and feel then?  Can you still be their friend?  And if they end up getting married, would you attend their wedding (would they even invite you)?
-  You may not be able to fully disclose your personal life (such as who you are dating).  
-  You may not be able to always be emotionally supportive (such as being happy for them when they are dating someone awesome).
-  You may not always want to help them (e.g., help select an engagement ring for their fiance-to-be).
-  The new person you/your ex is dating will likely not be thrilled about your friendship.

I am not saying it is impossible to be friends with an ex.  It certainly is possible, as some of my friends have done it.  However, it is difficult.  The quality of the friendship may not be as good as a platonic one.  And if your ex hurt you or did not make you happy while you were dating, why spend time and energy on your ex rather than family and friends who truly care about you?  If you were the one who hurt your ex, be careful about giving them false hope if you stay friends.

Rachel and Ross on Friends: A great example of how difficult it is to stay platonic after a breakup

Progress report - Five months of online dating

I had decided to see one guy ("The Architect") exclusively.  He was wonderful in many ways.  We clicked well, enjoyed each other's company, and laughed a lot.  However, there were a few things about him that were not ideal.  He had two children (whereas I don't have children) - I didn't mind that he had children per se, but it meant that he had others who took priority over me, and I lost half my weekends with him when he visited them.  In addition, he was not Asian and did not understand my culture nor speak my language, so he would not be able to communicate well with my mother or relatives.  However, these things did not really bother me.  What I had the most problem with was our age difference.  He was 11 years older.  He looked his age but I look significantly young for my age.  (I look about 10-20 years younger than my age depending on how I dress - I understand this is usually a good thing).  So when we were together, we looked about 20-30 years apart!  It reminded me of the Woody Allen/Soon Yi or Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta-Jones phenomenon.  The good thing was that I have noticed more and more "odd couples" - partners who are not similar in age, race, height, or body habitus - in recent years compared to two decades ago; therefore, it has become more acceptable to be with someone who is different in appearance.

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones

I have learned that life does not always work out as we had planned or hoped.  Similarly, our partner may not be the person or type we imagined.  In addition, the man we want to date in our 20s is different from the man we want to date in our 30s and 40s.  As we age, we are less picky about the little things, and physical attraction becomes less important.  The Architect was the first guy that I dated whom I was not initially physically attracted towards.  He was not unattractive.  I thought he was average looking but liked his personality very much, and therefore, quickly became attracted towards him.  We also value men who will be a good long-term partner and father.  We want men who are trustworthy, dependable, reciprocating, handy around the home, problem solvers, and financially secure.  The Architect had all of these qualities, so I was going to overlook the issues and see how things play out.  Those issues would not really matter if he was truly a good man.  And not too long afterwards, the age difference no longer bothered me.  I liked him for the person that he was, which included his age because it was part of who he was (with age comes wisdom and experience).

Manhattan has some of the best architecture

However, The Architect did not think we were a good match.  Even though we shared some interests, we did not have certain things in common.  He designs and builds things for his profession and hobby, and he wanted someone who was "artsy" so he could have in-depth conversation about the artistic and design aspects of architecture and furniture.  He wanted his partner to teach him things on these topics.  He also thought that I would not be able to fully understand him because I would not be able to fully appreciate that side of him.  In addition, The Architect wanted someone
who drank coffee and alcohol, and I did not drink either. 

I thought about what he had said.  For me, it was more important to have the qualities of a good long-term partner (how we treat one another and get along) - that is why I overlooked the less-than-perfect things in the relationship.  But for The Architect, even though he admitted that I had many of the good qualities in a long-term partner and that he was falling in love with me, it was important to him that we had specific interests in common.  I respected his opinion and honesty.  Our priorities were just different.  Even if someone is perfect, they may not be perfect for us.  As we get older, we know what we want and don’t want in a partner, and are less tolerant or patient of people who do not fit our desired mold.  And we do not waste time in relationships that we do not see as potentially long-term.  So I respect him for telling me early in the relationship.

Chicago also has phenomenal architecture

In my opinion, it is refreshing to have someone who shares some of our interests but is also a little different from us to balance us.  Although I may not be very artsy, I still thought I could intelligently converse about art and design, and offer an opinion from a different (non-professional) perspective.  In terms of coffee and alcohol, I think there are two main aspects to their appeal – the taste and the social aspect.  I think if I take sips of his coffee or alcohol to experience the taste (to share the experience with him), and we have good conversation over whatever we drink, then it doesn't really matter if I am not drinking the same thing.

Within a week after we stopped seeing one another, The Architect thought about getting back together.  He said he missed me and how I brought liveliness into his life.  He also thought that I treated him extremely well which was a nice change since he tends to be attracted towards women who don't treat him well.  In the end, we both decided it was best that we did not get back together.  Although I do not expect my partner to think that I am perfect, I want him to love and accept me for all that I am - the good and the bad (or at least what he perceives as bad).

So back to the drawing board...