How to initiate contact with someone on a dating website

After being on the new dating website for less than one month, I have gotten about 500 emails, winks and "likes."  It is a task to go through all the correspondences.  From what I have encountered, I thought of suggestions for how to initiate contact with someone you find interesting on a dating website:

1.  Do not contact the person on a Friday night or Saturday night.  It will seem as if you do not have a social life.

2.  Writing an email is preferable over winking or "liking them."  An email shows that you put more thought and effort into it.  Also, if you wink or "like" the other person, they will usually only wink or "like" you back if they are interested (rather than emailing you).  Then you have to email anyway.

3.  This is your first impression so you want to make it a good one.  Your profile will be your second impression since they will check your profile next.  For suggestions on how to write a profile description, go to Advice for online dating profiles and Advice for signing up.

4.  Have a photo on your profile. If you do not want to put up a profile photo publicly, then explain to the other person that you can email one to them.  For suggestions on profile pictures, go to Advice for online dating profiles.

5.  Write a catchy subject title to stand out from the other emails they are getting.  "Hi" is very generic.

6.  I find that the vast majority of emails have multiple typos and/or grammatical errors.  Remember, this is your first impression so you want to appear intelligent.  Check your email for typos and grammatical errors.  Use spellcheck if you need.  Speeling erors can b very anoying, n can make o brake u!

7.  A lot of people also do not capitalize words or use punctuation marks.  Other than not appearing intelligent or seeming like you care to put in the effort to write an appropriate email, you may also confuse the other person with you what you are writing.  For example: The sentence, "Tim said the teacher is dumb" can be interpreted in two ways:
    -  Tim said, "The teacher is dumb."
    -  "Tim," said the teacher, "is dumb."

8.  DO NOT WRITE IN ALL CAPS.  The only emphasis you are making is that you seem loud.

9.  Do not address the person as "sweetheart" or "gorgeous."  Use their name!

10. Do not ONLY write one-liners such as "Hi.  How are you?" as your entire message.  This is not Instant Messaging or texting!  You should write something more detailed to show you are putting thought into it, and to grab their attention.

11. A good length would be 1-2 short paragraphs.  Include something specific you read in their profile, something unique about you to make you more memorable, commonalities you have, and a couple of questions.

12. It would be great if you include something witty or humorous.  However, be careful, as you do not know the person yet and not everyone has the same sense of humor as you.

13. Do not lie. Why would you start off being dishonest to someone who is a potential partner, even if it is a small lie?

14. Do not concentrate on writing about their good looks, unless you only want a casual relationship.  You do not want to appear superficial.

15. Instead of writing an email in traditional letter form, you can do something unique.  One guy copied a poem from a book he read because it reminded him of me.  Another copied and pasted the qualities that I said I wanted in my partner from my profile, and addressed how he had each one.  There was one guy who emailed me a funny, witty list entitled Top Ten
Reasons Why You Haven't Written Back.  Of the hundreds of emails, these
stood out in my mind.

Questions to ask on a first date

One of the objectives on a first date is to find out important things about the other person to know whether they are compatible, or at least worthy of a second date.  It is important to learn more about your date without making it seem like an interview or interrogation.  Try to avoid questions or topics that may be too personal, negative or awkward.  The ideal scenario would be to carry the conversation in a relaxed, flowing manner with questions that will foster positive discussion, happy thoughts, and smiles/laughter as you learn more about your date.  (Of course, some questions may lead to negative or awkward answers).  Warning: Be prepared to answer the same questions you ask.  

Here are some questions (some I found online) that may be worthy to ask on a first date:

1.  What do you like to do on weekends?  This allows you to see how they spend their free time, which tells you about their interests/passions, friends, lifestyle, etc.

2.  What are you passionate about?  Why?  Passions and interests are different.  Passions tell us about our values.  Interests are more like hobbies.

3.  What are your goals/dreams?  This tells you whether the person has ambition.  Goals may be short-term and focused.  Dreams are long-term and grander.

4.  Where did you grow up?  How is your family like?  Our childhood can play a role in our emotional health and values as an adult.  If a person had a bad childhood, it is important to see whether they learned from it.

Little House on the Prairie

5.  What is your favorite childhood memory?  This is a light question that gives insight into their childhood and may reveal a good story.

6.  Where do you consider home?  Home may not be where your date currently lives.  It may be where your date grew up, a location close to where their family lives now, a place which may help further their career, or a location where they feel they will be happier in general.

7.  Who are the most important people in your life?  Who do you go to for advice?  This lets you see their ability to form close relationships, their value system, and who they trust.

8.  What are you looking for in a relationship?  This may be straightforward but it will reveal whether you two are looking for something similar.

9.  What things can you not live without?  This tells you about what is important to them, their interests/values, etc.

10. What makes you laugh the most?  People have different senses of humor.

11. What is the best meal you have had?  This fosters a more fun conversation than "What is your favorite cuisine."

12. How was your day?  Simple, lets your date know you care, and can reveal a lot.

This seems like a fun job

13. If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?  Why?
This tells you what they enjoy.

14. What was the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you?
Be prepared to hear a good story.

15. What is the most private thing you are willing to admit?
Another good conversation coming up, but be prepared if they reveal something weird.

16. Tell me a random fact about you.
This will make for good conversation (hopefully) while learning about your date.

17. What is the hardest (or scariest) thing you had to do?  This tells you what your date defines as hard or scary, and how they deal with obstacles.  This may be a little touchy so perhaps it can be saved for the second or third date.

18.  What accomplishment are you most proud of?  This tells you something positive about your date and what they value.

19.  If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?  This allows you to see whether they have the insight and humility to know and acknowledge their faults, as well as the willingness and ways to improve themselves.

20.  Tell me about a recent adventure or spontaneous thing you have done.  Another fun story coming up...

For other suggestions on first dates, please refer to my post Advice for first dates and The first date kiss.

Progress report - Three months of online dating

In the last month, I have stopped seeing the guy ("Robocop").  Although I enjoyed my time with him and found him physically attractive, we would not be compatible long-term because he did not have some key qualities I want in a partner.  It would be harder to break it off later, so it was better to do it sooner.  I think he is genuinely a good guy, but just not for me.

A couple of friends asked me how accurate men's online profiles on dating websites are.  Of the 7 men I have dated so far, only 2 had representative pictures.  Of the 5 without representative pictures, most looked significantly older (about 5 years) in person.  The profile descriptions for everyone were pretty accurate though.  Interestingly, 3 of the 7 men were in law enforcement and carried a gun with them at all times including dates.

My friend who has been single until her late thirties shared her wisdom with me.  Even though we feel like giving up on finding a partner sometimes, do we really actually give up?  No.  We are sad for a while and complain that all men suck to our girlfriends.  But in the end, we suck it up and get back into the dating game.  We do this because we have to.  And it will make us appreciate the one we end up with even more.

Because the emails on the dating website were slowing down, I decided to join another big dating website to put myself out there.  After being on this new site for two weeks, I have received over 150 emails and winks.  However, none have caught my interest... yet.

Who has it easier in the dating world - Men or Women?

From a woman's perspective, I always thought that men have it easier in the dating world.  And all my girlfriends agree with me.  But to be fair, I asked several guy friends to share their views on the advantages and disadvantages of being a man in the dating world.  Here are our thoughts:

One of my guy friends commented, "Dating is like sex - men do all the work, women decide how much work they want to do.  In the end, the man is always at fault if it was a bad experience (and it's usually the woman who decides if it was a bad experience)."
  

From The Bachelor

Advantages for men in the dating world:
1.  Men are expected to initiate.  This gives them control in picking the girl to ask out, planning the date (choosing the restaurant), if/when to call girl again, etc.
2.  Men can date a wider range of women in terms of age.  It is more socially acceptable if men date women who are significantly younger or older than them.  It may even be considered a compliment if an older man is dating a much younger woman because it will give the sense that he is still attractive (he has still got "it").  However, for serious relationships, women cannot usually date significantly younger men they are still "boys."  They tend to be less mature, in a different stage of life, not financially stable, or not ready to get married and have children.  Although younger women may share some of these characteristics, women are typically more mature or ready to marry and have children.  In addition, it is less important if women are not financially stable because men are usually the providers.
3.  Men are looked upon as "studs" if they date a lot of women.  Women are considered promiscuous if they date a lot of men.




Disadvantages for men:
1.  Attractive women are highly sought by other men and are often asked out.
2.  Men are expected to ask the woman out, plan the date, entertain her, and initiate the kiss, which requires more effort on their part, adds pressure, and puts them at risk for rejection.
3.  Men are expected to pay for the date so it can hurt their wallet.
4.  Men are considered less desirable if they do not have good career, money, or a place of their own. This may not be the case for women. 

From The Bachelorette

Advantages for women in the dating world:
1.  Women don't have to initiate or plan.  We leave that for the men so it is less "work."
2.  Women spend less money on dating.  Men typically pay, and some venues (clubs, lounges) may allow women to get in for free on certain nights. 

Disadvantages for women:
1.  Women have to wait for men to ask them out, kiss them, or call for another date.
2.  Women who are extremely intelligent, successful, powerful, or have money may intimidate some men.  Men are typically the providers.  
(See my post on Difficulties of being a woman with a successful career in dating.)
3.  Few "good" (heterosexual) men are available as we age because they are already taken.

I did an experiment to see how hard men have it on the dating scene, so I initiated contact with 10 men on the dating website whom I found attractive. (BTW, my friend advised me not to contact people on a Friday or Saturday night because it will appear that I do not have a social life.)  So far, I have not received any responses.  Perhaps they are not interested, or some may wait a little before replying as to not appear overinterested, or they may be currently in a relationship. 

So who has it easier in the dating world - men or women?  My conclusion is neither.  Both genders have their own set of darn issues.  However, I do think it is easier for women when we are younger because men do most of the "work," but more difficult for women as we get older because the selection of men is limited due to age constraints (and because men prefer younger women).